Red Dwarf: The Lost Season 2 point 5
by MarioR
Summary: Events in this story take place between season 2 and three of Red Dwarf. How Kryten is rescued, what happens to Lister's Babies, The Cat Race and the Introduction of the Femverse Ace Rimmer!
1. Chapter 1

Red Dwarf 2.5 The Lost Season

PART 1

Chapter 1  
No Smegging way in hell

''Get it right it this time.'' Lister cursed the skutters called Pete, who was currently acting as the ship's physician. Sitting on a hard plastic chair  
in Red Dwarf's Medi Bay, the last human being in the universe was having his first gynological examination, and was less then thrilled with his attending physician.

Pete had been chosen above dozens of applicants from the one armed, three clawed, wheel based service robots which inhabit Red Dwarf and keep up it's general appearance. Strangely enough they also keep a wide range of John Wayne memorabilia. Lister thought back to the days shortly after the crew returned from a parallel dimension. And how Pete had been chosen.

"Such a thing as choosing the right scutter," old A.J. assured the impregnated Lister during his much practiced speech, ''for this kind of life threatening surgery.'' He paused. "On a man." Another good pause. " To remove twins, cesarean no less, with the life of the last human being alive, in the universe, at stake." Well this was nothing for Lister to be worrying his preggo, not so little head over. Old Iron Balls would take care of everything, tickety-boo & lickety-split.

After about 4 weeks time the application forms were just about ready to be handed out to the scutters. They were all color coded and just a gnat's wing from perfection when Lister insisted they get a move on,  
something about needing a doctor before the twins were actually born.  
In the end, the thing that clinched it for Rimmer, was the one quality that Pete the Scutter had above all the rest of the service droids. That was experience. Pete the Scutter had once assisted, three million years ago, in a minor piece of out patient surgery, compromising and dealing generally with the removal of an officer's hang nail.

The operation wasn't so big in itself, but the fact that it concerned an officer, made it seem unrealistically majestic to Rimmer. In his eyes the comparison was simple. What's good enough for an officer must be damn well good enough for the lowest ranking member of the crew.  
Actually, Rimmer had originally marked off Pete the Scutter from the list of applicants as overqualified, but when it came down to it Pete was the best candidate, so Rimmer reluctantly allowed the droid to take the position.

As Pete currently attempted to find a vein, and draw blood from the now three month pregnant Lister, and missing. . "Owwwww! Me arm. That's the third time!'' Lister growled "No smegging way in hell."  
"Come now Listy, old Pete here has come a long way. You'd have to admit that. If you'll care to remember that rather unfortunate eye incident" Rimmer sneered.

"That's easy for you to say Rimmer!" Lister shouted. "You got no soul have you man? You can't feel pain, being a hologram. Me, I've been pricked so many times I feel like a thick ankled contestant in a miss lovely legs competition. And shooting for the gold cup at that"  
"Calm down. Calm down. You don't want to get hysterical in your condition" Rimmer said in the voice he saved for children and the permanently baffled. He seemed to be saying this more and more of late.

"Look, let's take out the sheet music and play the real waltz. There's no way I'm letting one of those three clawed, mobile floor sweeps come within a mile of me hairy bits with a mind for action. Welding a scalpel no less! What am I the resident nutter."

"Well then who if not the skutters?" Brayed Rimmer, "Not the bloody Doctor himself, I'll tell you that much at least me laddo. The first bit of action, any real blood and guts glory type of stuff and he's running back to the Tardis with some piece of totty native girl in a leopard spotted nighty. Look you've got as less choice then a Welsh fish & chips shop."

"Your really really enjoying this aren't you Rimmer." He paused. "You smeg head."

"He's right," thought Lister, as he started looking for the vein himself. I got eight more months of blowing up like an inflatable beach ball and then, popping out twins. Yes twins.

Even though the Dwarf's Medi Bay wasn't set up with the  
kind of equipment to tell him this, he knew it for a fact. Or at least he hoped so. The other scenario involved Lister giving birth to only one child during this pregnancy. Then, somehow in the future getting impregnated again and deliver twins during that pregnancy. Lister wished he knew for sure, but was fairly confident, at this stage of the pregnancy, that two tiny lives were growing within him.

The photograph of the future echo and the experience of seeing himself shortly after giving birth during a future echo gave him a clue. Unfortunately he was still unsure. The mother to be did know one thing for certain. A skutter would never be able to perform the cesarian, which was obviously mandatory in his case.

Rimmer was going on about something that Lister was barely aware of, when Dave had what could only be described as a tingle. Now we know that Dave has had a tingle or two in his time, hell that's what got him into this mess in the first place. But this was a different kind of tingle. This tingle took place in something wet, pink and moist and inside his head.

In the past he had done whatever was necessary to avoid paying any sort of attention to these sorts of tingles which, on occasion, had been known to go off in the brain of one said Dave Lister. Usually drinking huge sums of alcohol would take care of this rather precarious situation. It had to be large sums, if he didn't drink enough the tingles had been known to get stronger. If the drinking was properly ensued in the end there would be no tingle at all in Dave Lister's brain. Only a dehydrated based hangover.

This was a different kind of tingle though. Dave had been getting allot of strange brain tingles of late. The kind that nature goes out of its way to instill in you so you can't ignore.

Mothering instincts for survival and the survival of its young, and the perpetuation of their species. The same instinct that causes mother alligators to forgo their loaner instinct and defend her babies to the death, born and unborn alike.

Mothering instincts that enable birds to build nests of great variation and in ingenious places without ever being taught. On Earth mothers instinctively know not to feed their children cinema hot dogs.

Mothering instincts for survival. The same kind of instincts that were developed over six million years ago when the first Homo erects was birthed on the grassy plains of the Serengeti.

Coming out of his deep thought Lister now realized that the buzzing sound was not coming out of the PA system, but of the mouth of his deceased bunkmate Arnold J. Rimmer, who was currently prattling on about some Reggie Hammond organ nonsense.

Lister roared at Rimmer like a lioness protecting her young and stormed out of the room. He had to think, and thinking was something that was best done alone. And usually a bit drunk.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Remembering Future Echoes

After leaving the medi bay Lister knew he needed time to work all of this out. He knew for sure he wasn't going to do it with Rimmer around.

Lister waddled into the living quarters to find the Cat asleep atop his locker, or so he thought. The Cat peered open one eye sensing Lister's approach long before the sound of his heavy footsteps made it impossible for the Cat to remain napping. Yawning the Cat announced his awakened state, but Lister was still climbing up a newly installed bunk latter to notice.  
The Cat arched his back, then stretched forward arms out in front of him. Yawned again and leaped to the cold floor.

"Good morning mother" he sang, as he opened up a small bottle of milk  
and proceeded to drink it down from the neck. He stopped occasionally to gargle.  
Lister barely nodded, his mind still on other matters.

"I got an idea monkey, this Cat is hungry. Let's go over to our secret food machine and make like hungry kitties, and Preggo mothers do  
naturally."

"I'm not interested, leave me alone." Lister mumbled.  
"What? Your not interested in eating? Are you insane? Ever since you  
became a young mummy to be, and stopped being sick everywhere, you've been holding your own with me."

It was true. Lister couldn't help it. He was eating like a man who had been starved in a shami Kabob shop after hours without a key to the food locker. The expectant mother thought this was just a stage and that when he passed a certain point his appetite would return to something of a normal state. This was not to be the case.

Into his fourth week of pregnancy he was eating more than ever. From  
what he read this shouldn't have been the case until at least the sixth month. Something maternal told him this was wrong.  
Now besides the 5:00 AM meal with the Cat, before Lister would turn in for the evening he'd usually sneak down to the food dispenser and drink half a gallon of whole cows milk.

One night the Cat, who never slept more than ninety minutes at any given interval, ran into the devouring Lister one night and leapt atop him, sending Lister's prawn vindaloo across the metal grated floor.  
Soon after learning Lister's feeding routines the Cat started waiting for him.  
"Thinking to himself, should I raid the icebox now or wait for old dog food faces' 5:00 AM pee and snack."

This helped Lister more than the Cat knew. Waking up regularly throughout the night abroad a derelict ship alone in deep space, and having to walk on the ship's cold floor for vindaloo was more than depressing. Between the hormonal difficulties, and the psychological, the last man alive was in a very weird place. But with company waiting for you to dine, well that was a entirely different sort of caterpillar.

"Hey monkey what are you sweating about. You must be worried or you wouldn't be turning down food."  
"Look I'm worried about my pregnancy. I shouldn't be pregnant. I'm a man for smeg sake. I just don't think Bob the scutter can perform the operation." He stopped. "I think I'm going to die if Bob operates me." Lister announced from his top bunk looking off into the distance.

"The way this kitty sees it, all is going to work out just fine. After the wonderful experience of child birth, that is. You got the picture don't you?"  
Lister leaned over and removed the photo, of the Future Echo, from it's place at the head of his so called bed. A recess carved into the wall, barely three feet wide and high, and almost six feet long.

The Cat joined Lister, both looked at the photo. There was the familiar grinning face of Dave Lister looking tired, about the same age as he was currently, standing in front of the arch of the medi bay's south entrance. In each arm wrapped in silver blankets were two wailing newborns. His.  
In the background were several out of focus dark shadows, some items could be made out, other couldn't. Lister had stared into this photo at least hundred times, he thought he knew it as well as he could. He would soon find out he was wrong.

"Well there's your proof," the Cat said as he snatched the photo from Lister's hand. "How can you be there in the future with your brood, alive and well, and be worried about the operation?"

Snatching the photo back Dave looked at it and thought about this. He had thought about this before, in the back of his mind, but it never presented itself to him as the Cat just had. Then it clicked, the thing that had been bothering him. Excitedly Lister looked up from the photo to the Cat.

"Hey, remember the future echoes," Asked Lister hopefully.  
The Cat's face remained blank.

"Remember I explained to you how I saw a future echo of Rimmer, and he  
was having one conversation and I was having another."  
Still nothing showed on the Cat's face.

"How about when you broke your tooth?" Lister asked, bringing up a sensitive subject but to elated to care.

"Remember it, how can I forget if everything hadn't started going all weird, with a capital weird, I may have knocked out a few of yours."

"No. Look, seeing that future echo of you eating my robot goldfish caused me to react to it in a certain way, and try and stop you from eating my robot goldfish. In turn you lost your tooth, by my trying to stop it from happening." Lister got down from his bunk.

"So how can I be sure that if I just hang around and wait all will be fine and dandy. That because since I somehow know my own future, I can live recklessly and give death the middle digit. Just because I seen myself alive and well at one hundred seventy five years of age." Lister paused, then almost in a whisper. "A grand dad no less."

The thought caused a small smile to drift across his bloated face,  
"That was almost a year and a half ago, I couldn't possible just sit around and do nothing. If that were the case then you wouldn't have needed such extensive dental work. You'd think by knowing these things my life would have become easier. Or at least I'd have figured it out by now.''  
Giving in to the temptation, the thick ankled Lister walked over to pick up his jacket.

"Now I understand why Cassandra, had such a hard time of it."  
"Cassandra? Who's that, an old girlfriend?" Asked the Cat.

"No ya git," Lister walked over to the bunks. "That character out of Greek Mythology," snapped Lister.

"She was gifted with the ability to see the future, but cursed that no one would believe her. She really must of had a rough time of it, I only got half that and I'm all confused." Stuffing the photo of his future self into his inner pocket of his open leather, he walked towards the doorway.

"Yea. said the Cat following Lister through the doors into the hallway. "But she was smart enough not to get herself pregnant with her abilities. You couldn't even manage that."

"Thanks allot man. Anyone ever tell you that you need to be supportive to a future mother." He shook his head. "You got no soul man."

"Maybe not" said the Cat stopping in front of a food dispensing machine and depressed an illuminated button.

"But I got fish."  
"Today's fish is spicy bladder fish stuffed with prawns," announced the dispensing machine. "Enjoy your meal."

"Fish." Repeated the Cat.  
"Today's fish is spicy bladder fish stuffed with prawns. Enjoy your meal."  
"Fish." Repeated the Cat again.  
"Today's fish is spicy bladder fish stuffed with prawns. Enjoy your meal."  
"Fish."  
"Today's fish is spicy bladder fish stuffed with prawns. Enjoy your meal."  
"Fish."  
"Today's fish is spicy bladder fish stuffed with prawns. Enjoy your meal."  
"I will."

The Cat turned and made his way to a nearby recreation area, planted himself and began playing with his food.

"Aren't you gonna wait for me?"

"I have waited for you," said the Cat in between mouthfuls of fish. "What  
did you think I was doing when you woke me?"

Lister sat across from the eating feline and reached for a fish dinner.  
The Cat froze, his eyes on Lister's out stretched hand. "Don't try it monkey. Don't even think about it, I thought you weren't hungry"  
"Come on just one. It smells good." The cat didn't move.  
"Come on Cat, you know you'll just get sick." Lister's hand moving slowly  
towards the plastic container.

"OK momma," said the Cat. "Just one."  
"So what do you plan on doing about it?" Asked the Cat.  
"Well if you give me a minute, I was planning on eating it."

"No. Not the fish." The picture.  
"I don't know yet," he took a bite of the fish. "Maybe I'll go down to the medi bay and look around a bit."

"But you were just down there. Weren't you?"  
"Not the regular one. The surgical one," said Lister . "Remember? Big white room with lots of lights. Two floors down." Lister pushed his semi eaten meal away.

"No," answered the Cat. More engrossed in his third fish than in Lister.

"I'm gonna check it out." He said as he rose. "Want to check it out?"  
"What, and interrupt my meal? Are you insane?" He smiled. "Come back and tell me all about it." He added, "mom."  
Lister nodded and walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

In Me Gut

Lister's gut instinct or what was currently kicking around in his guts, told him there was more here than meets the eye. Lister searched through the four hundred square feet of the large white Surgical medi bay with photo in hand. At the end of thirty three minutes he had deduced that nothing currently in the medi bay could possibly be the object in the background of the photograph. Slumping down absentmindedly onto the large full backed chair, he hazarded that in the next several months they must obtain some piece of hardware that would enable himself to survive the impending cesarean.

Absently tugging at a loose piece of rubber from the toecap of his boot with his right hand, Dave was studying the photo in his left, when Rimmer came marching into the Medi Bay with a hypodermic armed scutter in tow.

"Ah there you are Lister, you knocked up piece of common gutter trash. I almost didn't recognize you. Thought you might have been that inflatable beach ball that went missing last spring." Rimmer started. "Still I should have guessed it was you, just by the trail of fun size crunchy bar wrappers that led me here in he first place."

Simultaneously looking up from, and tucking his photo away into the closest pocket, Lister scowled. Rimmer who, unable to take hints, continued approaching Lister with a large smug look on his stupid face.  
"I'm busy Smeg for brains, what do you want?"

"Your busy, busy doing what?" Rimmer questioned as he moved in closer, trying to see what Lister was hiding.

Lister had become more and more difficult to find for Rimmer in these past weeks. He wasn't in bed when Rimmer awoke, and he wasn't there when Rimmer went to sleep, but somehow there were always new curry stains on his sheets. They would obviously be rearranged, as slept in, but Rimmer would never actually see Lister in the bed. This bothered him a great deal.

To Arnold Rimmer the best part of bad news was to tell somebody, and almost solely for their facial reaction alone. The way a persons face would lose all emotion at first drooping sagging finely turning into something resembling a wad of bread dough. The widening of the eyes, the horror and the questioning look as to plead with the barer himself as if to question; is this is all some sort of joke? All the while Rimmer would be their smiling his stupid smile, his hair pointing in all compass directions and nodding his head in an affirmative manner. To relieve the victim of any doubts to the horrors he had just administered to them Rimmer's head would continue bobbing, like a child when asked if they would like a second helping of dessert.

Sickness and disease were similar, but not quite as powerfully so. Still one had to take what one could, and a male pregnancy with the added bonus of labor and birth was pretty good all things considered. Still where was the fun in all this if he couldn't find Lister to gloat over.

"Where have you been it's almost noon, you had a blood check with Pete the Scutter at 9:30, you missed it."

"Keep back Pete the Scutter" threatened Lister as Pete started for him, syringe in claw. The scutter stopped momentarily confused by the conflict of orders, between the dead hologram of a first technician and of a living third technician. Using this momentary respite Dave lifted his heavily burdened bottom from the chair keeping it between himself and the demented duo.

"I took my own blood, every thing's normal. Well as it could be all things considering."

"You? You don't know anything about blood. Now stand still and let Pete jab you."

"Listen Rimmer." Lister spewed as he approached his crew mates image. Slowly and emphasizing every syllable Lister looked directly into the eyes of the dead man and unblinkingly said "Stay the smeg away from me." Then shouting, "and that goes for your little droid to." Pointing to the unmoving scutter. "Or I'm libel to do something really really irrational and crazy." Growled Lister, his slightly mad gaze unwavering.

Rimmer was shocked into paralyzation, never before had Lister threatened him like this. True Lister had in the past threatened him on a daily basis, but never addressing him with this serious of a tone. Motherhood thought Arnold, how god awfully cute, he could almost see some of his own mom in Lister. Total vomitization.

"And what are you going to do to me?" Said Rimmer his voice cracking. "Kill me? Afraid your too late for that me laddo," now gaining confidence in the fact that he was dead, and pretty much invulnerable in that respect.  
"No I'll just go down to the Hologramation Simulation Suite, and have a small party featuring a medium size fire ax and the central processor. "Stated the caged mother to be.

"Then Einstein, you'll definitely be alone. Trapped in deep space. You'll probably go mad. What am I saying? You've been mad since the moment we met, probably from birth that's the only thing to explain it."

"Or possibly you're mad, Smeg head, that's another explanation. Either way I'm not responsible for what I do. So stay the smeg away from me!"  
Lister going out of his way to walk through the startled Rimmer on the way out the northern exit. He turned and faced the startled hologram.

"See Rimmer, just like your not even here."  
So outraged was Rimmer that he almost had a full spasm on the spot.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4  
What are Dreams for

Without opening his eyes Lister awoke having to relieve his bladder of the last two smart lagers (Tm) he had imbibed. Unfortunately upon awaking he found himself staring up helplessly, at Pete the scutter who was welding, haphazardly one may add, a blood stained surgical scalpel.

The Scutter, noticing that his patient had regained consciousness looked down past Lister's sweat laden face at Rimmer who wearing a white nurses hat, and was standing at the end of Lister's bed. Accompanying Rimmer was a second scutter also wearing a white nurses hat, and operating two cylinders and some sort of mask connected with tubes at both ends.

Groggily Lister attempted to distinguish what was being said. He couldn't be absolutely sure but Rimmer was clearly directing at least one if not both of the of the Skutters. The feeling of relief was followed, seconds later, by the fear of a man who couldn't get above the level of soup machine repair in eleven years, was directing an operation conducted solely by scutters. On Him!  
Attempting to rise Lister discovered that he had been strapped down to the operating table. Just as the patient was about to lose his head and start yelling like a sailor on leave in a border town, the Cat strolled in.

Walking directly up to Pete the Scutter the Cat skillfully removed the scalpel from the mad scutter, kicking the mobile floor sweep aside. A smile worked its way across Lister's face, and a second later a sigh of relief.

"Hi Buddy! Sorry I'm late." The Cat apologized, smiling a little too much.  
"Cat, man! Boy am I ever glad to see you. Help me get out of this and wheel me down to the Medi bay. I don't feel very well."

"What the heck's going on?" Exclaimed the Cat. "I thought old dormouse cheeks was going to be asleep through all this." He was addressing Rimmer.

"Oh well if he want's to watch who am I to stop him." The Cat smiled and raised the scalpel. "Now let a professional show you how it's done."

"Cat, what the smeg are you talking about?"

"It's simple, old golf post head said that I can have all the extra bits that are left over after the operation. I figured if I did it personally I can cut out all the really choice parts," smiled the Cat his fangs seeming extra long. "You know, like a butcher," he added, not really needing to.

Lister so dumbfound by this unforeseen development had been left speechless, with a look of stupefied perplexed tattooed on his sweaty face.  
Now Rimmer was coming at him with a scalpel as well. He was no longer wearing a nurses hat but an eighteenth century French officers. He also sported goggles and mock leather driving gloves. Nothing else.

"OK Inky, gas him." Rimmer ordered as he pulled the goggles over his eyes. With that, the scutter operating the mask lowered it over the stupefied Lister's face.

As the gas started taking effect Lister watched as both the Cat and Rimmer started to work on his inners, the last thing he saw was something you only see in a Turkish butcher shop window, all stringy with knobby bits all around. A giddy Rimmer and Cat stopped to admire their cutting.

Drifting in and out of consciousness Lister opened his eyes, barely. He was still on the operating table and the mask was still over his face, but it was no longer a scutter at the controls. The operator had almost human hands he thought, and strange looking gloves. As he heard the fresh flow of gas, tasted it his eyes started rolling back. The light from the operation chandelier only allowed him to see the square jawed profile silhouette of it's operator, then he drifted away again.

He awoke one more time, but suddenly. He was no longer on the operating table, but in the gun metal grey hallway just down from the Surgical Medi Bay. Just as suddenly he saw another Lister run past him. The first Lister followed the second. The trip seemingly longer than it should have been, when he finally caught up with himself Rimmer had joined the second Lister where they were joined by a third.

The third Lister had just walked out of the medi bay. He held twin crying babies wrapped in silver blankets. The Third Lister said something to the second Lister which the first couldn't quite make out. Although for some reason unknown to him he was fairly confident he knew what they were saying.  
Without a warning the second Lister pulled out his instamatic camera and shot the third. In the background, within the medi bay something was startled by the camera's flash. There was a shadow for a moment and then blindness. The first Lister was also fairly confident that he knew what that something was, lurking about. Again not quite knowing how or why.

A coldness crept over the first Dave's lower half. He tried to pull his patients gown further around himself, but found he couldn't. When he lifted his hands to his face they were covered with something bright red and sticky. Looking down at his feet he also noticed most of his midsection was missing and the floor in his general vicinity was covered in blood. His blood.

Unable to catch his breath Lister started pulling at his gown. Trying to  
pull it from his throat and untangle himself from it at the same time, he seemed to get more entangled. The white gown slowly turned red as Dave Lister fell to the floor unable to move. He drifted off, his eyes stared blankly at the red that covered them. Then nothing.

Opening his eyes once again Lister sat up immediately. Hitting his head on his bunks ceiling. Through the pain he was heartedly relieved at the sight of the familiar chipped military gray of his bunk walls. The only thing red about his person was spilled curry and tomato sauce covering the Mimas Hilton Blanket he had been wrapped up in.

"Smeggen' hell. What a nightmare."


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Gotta get Away

"I gotta get away and figure this out." Lister explained to Holly via one of his thousands of monitors. "I can't stand it any more, it's driving me spur. He finishing with his teeth clenched.

Lister had outlined his case to Holly for all it was worth. He did his best to explain about personal space being more mandatory than ever, nesting instincts, and his doubts about Pete the Scutters.

"Holly you've seen him in action. He can hardly do his original functions never mind follow operating instructions called out by you from a book."  
Holly admitted the plan wasn't one hundred percent perfect.  
Lister spoke of the future echo photo and the clue he thought it held, Rimmer's constant goading, and the dream. Not all of it mind you.

"Look Hol you know the score. You brought back Rimmer to keep me sane, but he's driving me mad. When you did your original calculations, my  
pregnancy wasn't added in. Was it? So do a little arithmetic adding in this new and unexpected," Lister paused looking for the right word.

"Situation," was what he settled on. "So wipe Rimmer and revive the ships doctor, how hard can that be?"

"Fraid it isn't that simple Dave." Holly cooed, as best as the computer could to the expectant mother. I'd have to do a probability search, adding in the new data as you suggested. Calling up the right references, and one or two other unimportant matters"

"Like what?" Questioned Dave.  
"Like trying to remember where I put the reboot software for that sort of thing."

"You mean to tell me you don't know where you put the backup software for the Hologramatic suite?"

"To tell you the truth Dave, I'd be happy just remembering what it looks like." Holly said with all the humor he could muster. It wasn't very much.  
Lister put his hands to his face and started to weep silently.

"This was bad," Holly thought. Bad for Holly that is.  
A minor flaw with A.I. computer intelligence after three million years was its inability to deal with constant failure. These setbacks were damaging to Holly's confidence, and in turn his ability to function at peak efficiency.  
Coupled with the fact that his collection of singing potatoes would give grief for missing practice. Then the next thing you know all wouldn't be shaken' in Groove Town.  
Holly did the next best thing his programming allowed in this particular case. He lied and stalled for time.

"Look Dave, it'll take me roughly twenty four hours to sort this all out; locate the software, do the calculations, cross reference it against all the data. You know the drill. Got to do it by the book and all."  
Lister wiped the tears from face and said "Really Hol? You not just jerking my chain are you? I mean you can do it if it's possible."

"Course Dave,"Holly said with the best face he could muster. "Just want to do it right. Say here's an idea why don't you get a couple of the scutters, pack up some supplies, all you'll need for a fortnight and head up one of the Navi Turrets. I'll tell Rimmer you're off my scanners, and he'll think your down in the cargo hold. Ought to keep him busy for the better part of a week. That'll keep him off your pecks for a while anyway. You can take some portable hardware, and work on your theories undisturbed."

"You think that'll work Hol?"

"Course I am, I'll get me scutters on it right away. You'll see, be right as rain in no time." Holly winked a big wink at Dave when he was done.  
The wink filled the hormonally challenged Lister with renewed confidence.  
He rose to his feet, said, "thanks Hol. Really" Lister took out a questionably colored handkerchief and loudly blew his nose and headed out the door.  
Holly was very pleased with himself, he had stopped Lister from having a breakdown, set it up so the two school boys would be in different sections of the ship, and all before singing practice with his potato choir.  
Holly shook his head from side to side in disbelief. "I can't understand why they doubt me at times."

Bruttttttttttth. Dave Lister the last human being alive , looked into the contents of his handkerchief. Finally, after all this time, he thought he could just barely make out the face of the Madonna. Was this an omen of some sort? But no. He was wrong once again. Just more blood. He would have many more chances, the night was still young.

Not unlike ancient holy men who would look into the entrails of their sacrifices to learn the will of the gods, or the fate of their people, Lister also did this religiously.

He stuffed the handkerchief into a deep pocket of a long and unusually white terry cloth robe, which had been discovered on his salvaging hunt for the supplies he was now unpacking. Set against a background of black black space and brilliant stars in the ships largest enclosed plexiglas look out towers, he would find his answers.

Only forty Navi Turrets were operational on the Dwarf before the accident. Now fourteen are available to the personnel. Originally used for navigation these enclosures dotted the entirety of the ship like a bad case of German Measles. Technology soon caught up to the JMC's mining ship, and Super Star Sensors, (SSS) for short, replaced the Turrets. The Super Star Sensors measured the red spectrum of a particular cluster of stars, at a particular point in space, and correlated the data directly into the ship's Navi Com.

About half the size of a football field, Navi Turret -147 was by far Lister's favorite. Most were about the size of an inexpensive London Flat. Making camp as far away from the hatchway connecting him with the rest of the ship, but close enough to a toilet. His dreads, haphazardly stuffed under his leather deerstalker, with their tips peaking out at irregular intervals had a resemblance not unlike that of the mythological creature Medusa.

Scattered around him Lister had collected several necessities which he would need before he time locked the hatch. Among the camping out gear included were remote link to the new black box recorder, a beacon scanning devise, with long range capabilities. A large magnifying glass. Fourteen sealed self heating variously flavored vindaloos, pompedons included. A box containing his personal belongings. A camcorder and three dozen six packs of extra wicked smart alcohol lager.

Trade marked designer virus based alcohols became very popular in the early 22nd century. When scientist realized that a woman t  
with child could not, completely, control what went into the child's blood stream and what would possibly effect the child's growth, both physically and mentally. So the smart drugs and alcohols were born.

At first for the social elite, royalty, political figures and of course weather girls. These woman in their demanding and much needed roles in society, could not allow such a biological thing as pregnancy affect their social status, and who's parties were legendary.  
The Princess of New Scandinavia was quoted as saying  
"Let me tell you something Baby, that century everybody who was anybody was partying."

The general principal was simple. Feed yourself all the best things for you and unborn child first, then start partying using these specially designed Alcohol's and drugs. They were intelligent virus' and were designed into knowing exactly into which parts of the body to go to and which not. The added bonus of this was that since all the alcohol went directly to your head and legs. Therefore you needed a much less percentage of alcohol per drink to remain perpendicular. Many found this quite a plus, due to the price of the stuff.

Various patented shakes and bars instantly hit the market. Then finally in an effort to get the nutritional part over as quickly as possible, in an effort to party as much as possible, the Pregnancy Nutritional Get Drunk Quick Pill, Patent applied for. was invented.

So quickly did it work that the advertisements stated that you could actually wash the PNGDQ Pill down with any alcohol, strait! And it was guaranteed not to cause more that a 3% birth defect rate, or your money back. With advertising like that no wonder their advertising department was the first with their back's to the wall when the revolution came.

In the end the concoctions were simply added into the drinks. Causing a whole new need for extra shelving space in pups and liquor store in order to advertise the regular Black Label Vodka and Black label Vodka for the expectant mother. With a blue label and little pink baby shoes printed right on the label.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Photo Finish

Dave Lister sat back on the self inflatable travel couch and work station he had the scutters haul up to Navi-Terret 147 which he, for an undetermined amount of time, would be calling home. The work station, was to put it simply, brilliant.  
Designed by a very fertile woman back in the 22nd century it adjusted to the contour of the pregnant persons body electronically, giving support to areas which have weakened bones, or give way to areas of the body which are retaining water.

In a thicker than usual square glass the last man alive sucked the last of his Safe scotch and soda, hold the soda. Tilting his glass upward, hoping to get more from his exhausted drink, until finally the ice cubes came clattering down. The second bouncing off of his front tooth. The first barely nicked an incisor, but this was OK. Lister was feeling no pain at this present time and he was working on something. Something important, if only he could remember what it was. Hell if he could only see what it was, that would  
be a step in the right direction.

If the said Davie Lister could in fact see, he would be looking at a computer screen featuring a digitalized computer enhancement of the photo, featuring his future self and his future selflings, shortly after birthing them.  
Earlier in fact he had the scutters set up most of the equipment, but he hadn't let them load in the photo of his future echo because that was his secret. That's where the clue was, if not the answer.

"It had to be," he thought. Or die on the operating table while a mad skutter played out the Norman Bates version of Thanksgiving on him.  
The original plan was to load the photo into the computer simulation dissect photo system and fundamentally pick out each piece of background. Have the computer run a check and determine, to the best of its abilities, what the background object was.  
That was the plan.

Unfortunately after manually searching barely on sixteenth of the photo Dave had grown anxious and had to pee. Simultaneously he was in the mood for a vindaloo. Depressing the auto search button, which he had recently discovered, and with the help of his easy preggo chair, patent pending, went to play vindaloo roulette. In this game the loser doesn't end up with a small hole in his head, but in the lining of his stomach.

While Dave took care of some maternal needs, and a few unmaternal ones the computer software scanned the simple instant photo. Meticulously examining every shadow, every color, every possible image down to the barest scanned and fed into the computer system. There it would measure the color, there and not, and cross reference them with the ships data base and all its information.  
Dave returned thirty minutes later, in his unusually white terry cloth robe, which was now an unusually vindaloo stained, terry cloth robe.

The printer had provided a blow up of the original, with charts and lines and graphs, listing all the possible things the various colors and shadows could be.  
A blue line, the tip of which started at Dave's lengthy right nostril hair, on the blow up hard copy, and lead vertically downward and ended three inches away in the outer column. Listed here were all the items and variables that the lengthy nostril hair could be: The winter coat for the venomous rattle fanged caterpillar of Ioa, A small Norwegian Elk Hound, an undetermined part of the original plan for the Statue of Liberty.

Looking to the right another blue line leads from the silver blanket which encases young Bexly to a listing in red as follows; A part of the original Apollo orbiter, a shiny new fifty pence piece, a stud on Elvis' jacket.  
Another line this time black leading from an out of focus shadow, behind Lister in the Medi Bay; Some form of unknown machinery, an unknown plasmic alloy, an unknown monster, the heart and or turtle neck of Jon Paul Sartre.

The print out was covered with so many lines leading from every possible shadow there and not, to an unending list of data leading well over the boarders and obscuring parts of the photo itself. Apparently the auto check had various settings and it was currently set on the most liberal.

Bladder emptied and belly full Lister was ready for the task ahead.  
After adjusting the settings on the software and pulling out specific details Lister slowly began to get the feel of the program. Soon he could pick out a detail such as a portion of the rings under his eyes in the photo, hit the right settings and the print out would come up; bruised area of human flesh, dead blood as seen through living tissue, a small wildebeest named Larry. Almost uncanny.

"Zoom in Lower left, Quadrant L7 by 13" said Lister. The machine obeyed and zoomed in on a shadow in the lower left of the photo.  
"Zoom again.'

"Give full listing and cross reference with all known plastics, machinery Earth bound and space borne." The same smegging results thought Lister, "unknown, unknown, unknown." That was the problem, knowing the unknown. Or at least the unknown aspect of that piece of machinery.

"I wouldn't mind if once in a while you could happily print out, an Albanian  
Washer Machine, or the shine from a holiday villa in the Algance. But no, no matter what the setting, all you give me is unknown."  
Then it hit him, that was the problem, it was an unknown. Unknown to the Red Dwarf and its knowledge, which stopped abruptly some time in the mid twenty third century. The plastic's unknown, so it's from some time past my century, my time. A man out of time he mused.

Sucking absently on one of his dreads Lister went over all the events that occurred since he was liberated from stasis. He thought of times when the crew met up with things and places past his century. He fed all this information into the computer.

Dave now knew that to have a successful operation and delivery he would need a device that was currently not on Red Dwarf. A device from his past and his future. Just not his present. While waiting for the computer to finish up Dave finished the last of his safe Bourbon and drifted off into a restless slumber. Ashamed really, if he had remained awake just 9.7 minutes longer he would have had his answer. Now he'd have to wait until morning.  
How daunting.

Lister suddenly sat up, back straight eyes wide open, but seeing nothing, and called out in his sleep; "Kryteeeen!"

Then his shoulders slouched and fell back in his bed. Quietly he sobbed; "Kryten, grand mum. Mum. Me mum."  
To the last man in the universe the first restful nights sleep in months finally came.

That night Lister dreamt of Kristine Kachanski and Fiji.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
Mamet's Revenge

Dr. Emily Mamet sat, legs sprawled, on the thickly carpeted bedroom floor of the Venison Hilton's bridal suite. Wearing the remnants of her wedding gown she pulled the last swallow of bubbly from a large Champagne bottle. Her reading glasses teetered on the brink of her small nose threatening to fall off once again, only to be yanked back into servitude by a thin black tether, which encompassed the back of the lovely bioengineer's bare neck.

Ms. Mamet was trying to focus on the backward reflection of herself and her surroundings which had just come into view via the mirror, which for some reason she couldn't quite recall, was attached to the ceiling. An inner voice, thick with spite, snickered quietly inside her head.

"Embrace the moment," it whispered.

"Hang on to the amnesia, because this tiny moment of zero recall is the best thing that's going to happen to you for a considerable time. Whatever you do don't access reality" the voice baited.

Ignoring this voice she forced herself to focus and thought, I'm Katherine the great and there had been an explosion of champagne bottles, telegrams and clothing in my bedroom. She squinted and blindly groped for something within hands reach. "No that wasn't right." Then it hit her.

"I told you so," maliciously teased the departing voice.

After being left at the altar by her fiancé John Warberton, well not actually at the altar but on the steps of the church on the day before her wedding, is close enough. The last thing on Professor Mamet's mind was going to Venus. The thought of her alone occupying their, er, her wedding suite was incomprehensible. Friends and family thought differently.

"Going on holiday is the thing for you to do in this time of rejection," her mother comforted her. "Isn't that right sweetie."

"Absolutely," her tall blond father answered a trifle to soon. Next morning off she went.

"It'll be good for her won't it?" Her mum asked, looking for reassurance.

"Sweetie, don't worry she'll be fine." The lithe figure lit a cigarette. "Plus I couldn't get a refund on the deposit we made for the room."  
Still dressed in her bridal gown she boarded her transport vessel ordered a triple margarita, downed it and passed out. Three hours and many inquisitive stares later she found herself and her luggage alone in her bridal suite. She kicked off her shoes and popped open a bottle of Champagne with "good luck newlyweds" printed cleverly over the label.

Toasted an invisible crowd and drained the bottle.  
Eventually she found herself wandering around the suite drinking and reading congratulation cards and sympathy telegrams one after the other.  
Depending on the contents of the telegram or the card, she would do one of two things.

If it was one that she was particularly pleased with, telling her how much better off without him she was and such, she would have another drink. If the card was one of those mushy ones such as, you two are meant for one another sort of things, she would break something, usually furniture or flower stands which littered the suite.

Thinking at several points that she was going blind from the liquor she had started to remove her wedding gown, little by little. First she removed her veil and train, later she tore off her panty hose thinking that she had become paralyzed. It wasn't until they were completely shredded that she knew it was temporary and she could in fact walk.

Muttering, "Another dead Astro Solider," she tossed the empty aside. Pulling herself to her feet with the aid of a small velvet foot rest which sat at the bottom of the heart shaped wedding bed she started for the kitchen.  
On her way for another bottle of bubbly, amongst the remnants of all the tattered and torn up flowers and congratulations, sent directly to the hotel by friends, who put it off their social obligations until the last minute or "hadn't heard the news," she spotted her luggage which had been sent days earlier.

The bubbly suddenly didn't seem important. What did seem important  
was what was in her luggage. She dropped to her knees and began opening her travel trunk. Rifling through it she quickly came to what she had been looking for, her aluminum brief case. This contained her Desktop Micro Deluxe Computer and most her other working materials. At least now she was armed.

Professor Mamet really hadn't planned on working this weekend, what she had planned for this weekend would make a prosti droid blush. Still, her employer Deva droid International's stock had recently been losing ground due to the recall of the notoriously unpopular Realistic 3000 Series, and her department in particular was under the gun. So when the freight company came to pick up her luggage she placed her briefcase on the pile with the trunks.

Throwing open her briefcase and fumbling with the various attachments, the more than a bit lit Professor Mamet started working. Working on her revenge.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8/9  
Kryten - Some assembly required

Kryten this is your self repair unit talking. Listen you half crazed driod if were going to get out of here you've really got to start paying attention.  
It was true. Due to recent events in Kryten's life, and consequently not having the software to cope with them, his attention span wasn't what  
it had been.

What with having only recently discovered that the three female officers he had served faithfully for thousands of years, were in fact pretty much,  
well...shall we say, on the deadish side of the dessert menu.

Soon after Kryten's short but learned stay aboard one of the JMC'S finest crafts, that are still in service. Compiled with his more consequential meetings of Mr. David Sir, Mr. Arnold Sir, and Mr. Cat Sir.

The shock of his rebellion and his newly won freedom. Borrowing Lister's space bike Kryten 2X4B sailed out of Red Dwarf's cargo bay doors and into the big black, the whole of his future ahead of him.

"For now" he thought "I'll cruse around on my hog and bask in the glow of my newly won freedom, see if there's any thing to do in this burgh."  
To his strange surprise and to his utter dismay his realization that he had missed one minor detail during his said rebellion and rather dramatic exit.  
The detail was that Kryten didn't know how to ride a space bike.  
Then the inevitable crash.

All things considered, paying attention was a bit on the difficult, but far from the only consequence of the crash. Truth to tell Kryten couldn't blow his nose at the moment. The reasons for this was that he was currently unaware of it's whereabouts. Early on in the crash his entire head had gone missing, from then on things had become more and more dodgie to recall.

The last thing that went through Kryten's mind, just before the crash, was the handle bars of Lister's Asteroid hopper as it was better known to  
the space beatnik community, due to the asteroid hopping you would do in it.  
First introduced on several of the hipper moons of Saturn in the late Twenty third century, Asteroid Hopping was the Rage.

The Asteroid belt situated between Mars and Saturn was, at first, a hazard for space throughways and freighters bringing supplies into the newly inhabited moons of Saturn. Once all the asteroids were mapped out this was no longer a difficulty. Later the unbelievable space freight traffic jams became more of an obstacle than the belt had been in the first pace. At least with the unknowns of the belt you would either make it or die trying. It was rumored that people caught in some of the more major space jams were know to disappear from known space. Entirely. These disappearances were never explained.

Originally the actual mapping of the belt was difficulty. Each of the larger Asteroids in the belt had to be plotted, noted, tagged, and then returned to the wild, unharmed. Once done a computer could do studies and plot course paths to learn their future destinations. This would pinpoint rogue asteroids, which would eventually get to close to shipping lanes, and  
be marked for demolition. In some cases an asteroid could be dealt with decades, and sometimes centuries ahead of an inevitable mishap.

Hoppers were introduces for this job, and only the toughest Astos could handle them. Twice the size of an earth motorcycle, enclosed in a plexiglas bubble and rocket powered, dozens of these Space cycles would enter a section of the field and start working on tagging the larger, and more dangerous of the asteroids. Landings were difficult and many of the early Astros were killed by the difficulties in landing on an asteroid moving at you ten times times faster that your moving at it. Finally after a good number of men became permanent stains on some of the more wily of the asteroids, large retractable hydraulic legs were added to the Space Cycles and the Asteroid Hopper was born.

The "Domesticated Hopper," as a quick Ionian used Hopper dealer coined,  
which came later for young adolescents to go joy riding on, were made of two detachable parts. The First is the small low to the ground cockpit, with all the controls, levers gages and what not, could be used by the owner when he was land bound for local riding. The exo-hull was the second part.

Usually kept in the garage when not in use the exo-hull, with jet engines, plexiglas dome and retractable hopper legs was designed to be driven into, by the ground cycle, driver and all. Automatically locking into place, the cycles gages would be turned into an Asteroid hoppers gauges, and the driver could take off almost instantly. Quite a useful devise to be off before the locals arrived, sonic pitch forks in hand.

The Domesticated Hopper that Dave Lister had found in the Dwarf's landing bay and soon after loaned to Kryten, was currently in 347 pieces on an uncharted asteroid floating aimlessly in deep space. Mindless of its rider, the asteroid was also mindless of a great many other things, one of which is it's place in the irony of mankind's survival. It's survival which was directly tied into the survival of a service mechinoid, which now also resided in slightly less pieces than said space bike, on the unnamed asteroid. If it were to have a name it would probably be Fred.

Kryten this is your Auto repair systems.  
"What happened?"  
"There has been an accident."  
"How? What? And where has my head gone off to?"

"Kryten I have rebooted your CPU  
Auto self repair unit function ability .0073%  
Advise. Please."

"Shut down all excess functions and activate self repair unit.  
Time for repairs to be completed Susan?"

Approximate time for complete repair 3 years 4 months 11 days 7 hours  
and 4.735 seconds.

"Thank you Mr. Auto repair unit. Whoops! Where's my fribble?"

Kryten, your CPU is excess.

"I understand completely."

Must shut down CPU for power to send out S.O.S. homing beacon.

"Send out S.O.S. homing beacon."

Beacon sent

Kryten If repairs are not completed we will not have enough power to reboot  
your CPU. You will effectively cease to be. Thought you'd like to know.

"I'll squeegee that floor right now Ms. Tracy"

Shutting down CPU

Then the screen went dark all except for a tiny spot in the middle. Kryten remembered the green of his garden just as the little light faded away. His final moments extended a nano second due to a microscopically thin, blue flicker of left over static electricity arching for a final time across his CPU. Allowing him to ask a question which was destined to be left unanswered.

"Will I dream?"  
Then nothing.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 10  
Asteroid Belt?

Shortly after returning from the the Navi turret Lister outlined his plan to Holly and the crew.  
"This will never work miladdo. and I say this in the most professional capacity possible, with no side on it what so ever.  
YOU ARE TOTALLY INSANE!  
Read my lips." Rimmer exaggerated every syllable that was there and a few that weren't. "Thii...ssssssss...Willlllll, lll, lll Neeee...vvvv...eeeee...rrr  
Worrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk."  
In later reflection Rimmer had been very happy with his speech. All his  
silences were concise and to the point. The final thirty five second drag on the last two letters could have been drawn out to a full minute, and surely would have if the ship hadn't been hit by something.  
"What the smeg was that!" hollered Lister.  
"An asteroid I suppose." Answered Holly unaffected by the impact. "What kind of asteroid? "Asked Rimmer as his image flickered with an electric blue light.  
"The small to medium size kind."  
"How could you let this happen? Weren't you paying attention?"  
"I'm sorry I got so caught up in your little asteroid speech it must of slipped my mind. Don't worry, won't happen again. I'm on the case now." Holly beamed confidently.  
"Well, what's the damage?" questioned the Cat as he fought to regain control of his pompadour, which had come loose during impact. "Are they're any more coming? Are we going to die. More importantly, should I use gel?"  
"Yea Hol. Can we get a damage report?" Lister asked excitement in his voice.  
Since returning from his excursion Lister had become single minded; Find Kryten. Like an expectant mother setting up a nursery there could be no reasoning with him. Lister became more anxious than ever when Holly's scanners got a fix on the signal. Kryten became a bassinet that the expectant mother had to have.  
"Sure you can Dave as good as done." Holly smiled benignly."  
After a few moments Lister asked "Well what is it? Everything OK?"  
"Oh you meant right at this moment. I'll go check." Holly's image faded off for a second then came back on. "Sorry, didn't want to miss anything.  
"Well Hol?"  
"Yea sure all seems OK. Must a been a rogue. I'll just give the field a wider birth."  
Standing in the middle of the room Rimmer started.  
"You really expect us to risk the ship, our lives and everything we hold dear, to forget all we know about the dangers involved in traversing a asteroid belt. To take the not so small rouge one into that kind of hostile environment where it would be physically impossible to avoid at least some damage."  
"Holly, what kind of damage would Red Dwarf sustain while being lead on this wild goose chase. Through a field of death in the one in a million chance that Listy's favorite Toilet Attendant is the source of that homing beacon. Come on, what is it Holly? Tell Rimmsey how much." Rimmer commanded snidely.  
"Well I can't give you an actual, dead on correct percentage number now could I. Straight off of the top of my head, how can I. Have to calculate all the available data, cross reference it with historical information on ships that have actually attempted this. Take into account the millions of scannable actual asteroids in side the belt itself."  
"Yea I know that Hol, but can you give us a clue maybe?" Lister asked with a mouthful of sheep. "Something on the non committal side," his mutton vindaloo balanced on his round pregnant belly. "Something. Anything?"  
"Sure I can, now that you gave me a moment to do some figuring. OK your question; if we, meaning a highly trained team, locate and know without a shadow of a doubt the exact coordinates of the asteroid to land on, it's size, and then calculated it's trajectory. Sneak in commando style, pull off a bit of collecting and such then high tail it pronto to a safe distance. I would say that Red Dwarf would suffer approximately,"  
Holly hesitated. "No damage what so ever".  
"What? Are you serious?" Dave inquired a touch of disbelief and curry in his voice. He could hardly control his elation.  
"Hey, hey hey, things are looking up," chimed in the Cat.  
"Holly what are you driveling on about. Having all that information, with the variables, and your top notch team is El dirt ball and El hair ball.  
I wouldn't trust either of them to get in and out of a red alert situation in less than an hour forty."  
"To bring Red Dwarf, a ship some four miles wide and five miles long, inside a asteroid belt without defensive shields, where every moment it's in peril of collision damage. Getting in and out with a ship of this size with no damage.' Rimmer shook his head, "That's just not possible."  
"Look you asked me for the answer and I gave it to you, maybe you should ask the right questions and you might understand the answers I give better."  
Rimmer and the Cat both looked at the monitor puzzled.  
Lister struggled to his feet, eyes elated, hands waving, curry in his voice: "SsssmddttttasrrrbUUUGGGGGDD!'  
"Right on Dave," said Holly. "He guessed it."  
Guessed what? Asked Rimmer.  
"Starbug!". repeated Lister. "We don't take in Red Dwarf at all. Starbug is small enough to pick it's way through an asteroid field and receive no damage. Am I Right Hol?"  
"Yes Dave you're right" Answered Holly.  
"You must be mad, Rimmer sneered. There's no way I'm going in with you. You know how unstable those asteroid belts are, how dangerous they are with rogue asteroids, and such. One crack on Starbug's Plexiglas windshield and your instant people paite'. You can count me out."  
"Fine. Your counted out. What about you Cat? Can I count on you? Buddy?" Lister cooed soothingly.  
"Well Buddy, to tell you the truth I agree with old golf post head.  
But I couldn't honestly allow myself, to vote with a man with his dress sense."  
"Brutal. Holly how long until were close enough to launch the bug?"  
"Not too long Dave. I just have to pinpoint the signal, send out a few scouters for that. Correlate the data, bring the ship around to the safest point of entry. Don't want to rush, I'd hate to gooseberry it up."  
"I'd say two maybe three hours." Holly answered with all the confidence he could muster.  
"YEEEEEES! Cat come on. We'll just have enough time to get together  
some supplies and get down to the landing bay"  
"Lister you can't do this. I forbid it. Don't you have any Idea of the danger, the risk. What if you get killed, where will that leave me?" asked Rimmer.  
"What do you care? If you did you'd be going out there with us to help."  
"Don't get me wrong Listy, I don't give two smegs about you. If the unforeseen occurrence of your demise came about Holly just might take it into his head, just out of spite mind you, to turn yours truly off. Now we couldn't let that happen to old Rimmsey? Could we squire?"  
"Rimmer," Lister walked up to his face and stood close. " Right now if there was anything possible, short of my own death to turn you off, I'd do it.  
You'd be stored away in some dusty vault deep in the ship. Not exactly how you expected your twilight years to be." Lister turned to leave. "While I'm gone you just might try to think about that . You just might." With that Lister walked out of the sleeping quarters with the Cat in close pursuit.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
Asteroid Belt?

Shortly after returning from the the Navi turret Lister outlined his plan to Holly and the crew.

"This will never work miladdo. and I say this in the most professional capacity possible, with no side on it what so ever.  
YOU ARE TOTALLY INSANE!

Read my lips." Rimmer exaggerated every syllable that was there and a few that weren't. "Thii...ssssssss...Willlllll, lll, lll Neeee...vvvv...eeeee...rrr  
Worrrrrr...rrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk."

In later reflection Rimmer had been very happy with his speech. All his  
silences were concise and to the point. The final thirty five second drag on the last two letters could have been drawn out to a full minute, and surely would have if the ship hadn't been hit by something.

"What the smeg was that!" hollered Lister.  
"An asteroid I suppose." Answered Holly unaffected by the impact. "What kind of asteroid? "Asked Rimmer as his image flickered with an electric blue light.

"The small to medium size kind."  
"How could you let this happen? Weren't you paying attention?"  
"I'm sorry I got so caught up in your little asteroid speech it must of slipped my mind. Don't worry, won't happen again. I'm on the case now." Holly beamed confidently.

"Well, what's the damage?" questioned the Cat as he fought to regain control of his pompadour, which had come loose during impact. "Are they're any more coming? Are we going to die. More importantly, should I use gel?"

"Yea Hol. Can we get a damage report?" Lister asked excitement in his voice.  
Since returning from his excursion Lister had become single minded; Find Kryten. Like an expectant mother setting up a nursery there could be no reasoning with him. Lister became more anxious than ever when Holly's scanners got a fix on the signal. Kryten became a bassinet that the expectant mother had to have.

"Sure you can Dave as good as done." Holly smiled benignly."  
After a few moments Lister asked "Well what is it? Everything OK?"

"Oh you meant right at this moment. I'll go check." Holly's image faded off for a second then came back on. "Sorry, didn't want to miss anything.

"Well Hol?"  
"Yea sure all seems OK. Must a been a rogue. I'll just give the field a wider birth."  
Standing in the middle of the room Rimmer started.

"You really expect us to risk the ship, our lives and everything we hold dear, to forget all we know about the dangers involved in traversing a asteroid belt. To take the not so small rouge one into that kind of hostile environment where it would be physically impossible to avoid at least some damage."

"Holly, what kind of damage would Red Dwarf sustain while being lead on this wild goose chase. Through a field of death in the one in a million chance that Listy's favorite Toilet Attendant is the source of that homing beacon. Come on, what is it Holly? Tell Rimmsey how much." Rimmer commanded snidely.

"Well I can't give you an actual, dead on correct percentage number now could I. Straight off of the top of my head, how can I. Have to calculate all the available data, cross reference it with historical information on ships that have actually attempted this. Take into account the millions of scannable actual asteroids in side the belt itself."

"Yea I know that Hol, but can you give us a clue maybe?" Lister asked with a mouthful of sheep. "Something on the non committal side," his mutton vindaloo balanced on his round pregnant belly. "Something. Anything?"

"Sure I can, now that you gave me a moment to do some figuring. OK your question; if we, meaning a highly trained team, locate and know without a shadow of a doubt the exact coordinates of the asteroid to land on, it's size, and then calculated it's trajectory. Sneak in commando style, pull off a bit of collecting and such then high tail it pronto to a safe distance. I would say that Red Dwarf would suffer approximately,"  
Holly hesitated. "No damage what so ever".

"What? Are you serious?" Dave inquired a touch of disbelief and curry in his voice. He could hardly control his elation.

"Hey, hey hey, things are looking up," chimed in the Cat.

"Holly what are you driveling on about. Having all that information, with the variables, and your top notch team is El dirt ball and El hair ball.  
I wouldn't trust either of them to get in and out of a red alert situation in less than an hour forty."

"To bring Red Dwarf, a ship some four miles wide and five miles long, inside a asteroid belt without defensive shields, where every moment it's in peril of collision damage. Getting in and out with a ship of this size with no damage.' Rimmer shook his head, "That's just not possible."

"Look you asked me for the answer and I gave it to you, maybe you should ask the right questions and you might understand the answers I give better."  
Rimmer and the Cat both looked at the monitor puzzled.  
Lister struggled to his feet, eyes elated, hands waving, curry in his voice:

"SsssmddttttasrrrbUUUGGGGGDD!'  
"Right on Dave," said Holly. "He guessed it."  
Guessed what? Asked Rimmer.

"Starbug!". repeated Lister. "We don't take in Red Dwarf at all. Starbug is small enough to pick it's way through an asteroid field and receive no damage. Am I Right Hol?"

"Yes Dave you're right" Answered Holly.

"You must be mad, Rimmer sneered. There's no way I'm going in with you. You know how unstable those asteroid belts are, how dangerous they are with rogue asteroids, and such. One crack on Starbug's Plexiglas windshield and your instant people paite'. You can count me out."

"Fine. Your counted out. What about you Cat? Can I count on you? Buddy?" Lister cooed soothingly.

"Well Buddy, to tell you the truth I agree with old golf post head.  
But I couldn't honestly allow myself, to vote with a man with his dress sense."

"Brutal. Holly how long until were close enough to launch the bug?"

"Not too long Dave. I just have to pinpoint the signal, send out a few scouters for that. Correlate the data, bring the ship around to the safest point of entry. Don't want to rush, I'd hate to gooseberry it up."

"I'd say two maybe three hours." Holly answered with all the confidence he could muster.

"YEEEEEES! Cat come on. We'll just have enough time to get together  
some supplies and get down to the landing bay"

"Lister you can't do this. I forbid it. Don't you have any Idea of the danger, the risk. What if you get killed, where will that leave me?" asked Rimmer.

"What do you care? If you did you'd be going out there with us to help."

"Don't get me wrong Listy, I don't give two smegs about you. If the unforeseen occurrence of your demise came about Holly just might take it into his head, just out of spite mind you, to turn yours truly off. Now we couldn't let that happen to old Rimmsey? Could we squire?"

"Rimmer," Lister walked up to his face and stood close. " Right now if there was anything possible, short of my own death to turn you off, I'd do it.  
You'd be stored away in some dusty vault deep in the ship. Not exactly how you expected your twilight years to be." Lister turned to leave. "While I'm gone you just might try to think about that . You just might." With that Lister walked out of the sleeping quarters with the Cat in close pursuit.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
Asteroid Belt 2

Lister crunched into seventh gear as the transport vessel made it's way out of Red Dwarf's landing bay and into the big black. Making sure the flight info was programmed properly into the ships navi com, and other necessary adjustments the Cat and Lister got their first view of the brilliant colors that seemed to engulf the belt.

Thick streamers of reds and blues silently laid themselves as a background to the belt. Almost like loosely knit DNA strands they danced a seemingly motionless ballet in contrast to the chaos of motion the residents of the belt itself caused.

"Asteroid belt 100 G Clicks and closing Dave," said Holly, his face filling the cockpit's monitor.

"How long do you figure the jag to the asteroid and back Hol, round-trip salvage and all?" Lister asked as he ground the transport vehicle into twelfth. With a roar of vibration the green craft jolted, sputtered, and finally stalled.

"What the hell's wrong with the ship monkey?" asked the Cat. "Can't you fly it or you want I should help?" The Cat added anxiously

"Just stalled a bit. It's not me, must be a design flaw or something," lied Lister

"The whole thing shouldn't take you more than eight hours" said Holly, as Dave restarted the now drifting bug. "Better not anyway."

"Why's that Head?"

"You've only got fuel enough to last you that long" Said Holly in a monotone voice.

"Whaaaaaat?" yelled Lister and the Cat in unison and disbelief.

"Sure, standard fuel supply issued aboard any ship to surface transport vehicles. Avoids having to track them down to far in case of a problem. Course if you get in a real trouble and you're say in close proximity to a sun you could switch to the solar panels and batteries. They should keep the oxygenation unit, and you, functioning until we reach you. Should anything unforeseen happen"

"What do you mean keep us alive Holly?"

"Oh didn't I mention it? Standard issuing of oxygen aboard Starbug Two is only nine hours. Still I thought you'd like to know."

"Man if he was only something more that a floating head"

"Why?" answered Lister currently paying more attention to the upcoming asteroid field than either the Cat or Holly.

"Because when we got back to Red Dwarf I could really do a number and ruin his boots." Answered a very serious Cat.

"O.K. Hold on Cat were going in" said Lister as Starbug 2 edged it's way to the very outskirts of the belt.  
Lister watched fearful and elated out the windshield of the Jupiter Mining Corporations transport vehicle, Starbug Two. The Cat, never a snooze be denied, had been curled up in the co-pilots seat napping for since they penetrated the outskirts of the asteroid belt, three quarters of an hour earlier.  
Something primal dragged him out of a dream featuring ample bosomed scantly dressed Valkyries, and a vat of maple syrup. Something more primal than that is pretty hard to imagine. Actually.

The feline opened his left eye.  
All around them an uncountable number of asteroids danced about. Big ones, small ones, not so small ones. Their choreographed dance, as irony would have it, was set in motion by a thermal nuclear missile launched by the Nova Twelve, sister ship the Nova Five. Causing the blue giant, which parented the planets whose remains make up this very belt, to go super nova. None of this was known to the crew. This lack of information might  
prove fatal.

The Navigational Computer, which had been programmed by Holly before the flight began, adjusted the ship's control necessary for the small vessel to pick its way through this onslaught of silent death. Although Lister did take over piloting now and again to relieve some tension and built up frustration.  
Throughout the flight a red light flashed on the cockpit's control panel, while a constantly rising pitch leaked out of the console's tinny speakers, as the craft's tracking system neared it's quarry. Without warning the sound stopped leaking out of the tinny speakers and the red flashing beacon flashed no more.

"What happened man, did we lose the signal?" Hollered Lister while he tapped the unlashing red light.  
The Cat who was more interested in the music he was receiving on his head set and fiddled around with the buttons, illuminated and otherwise, situated on the control panel.  
"What?" Shouted the Cat annoyed and talking over the music only he could hear.  
"I thought I told you to stop that," said Lister, as he slapped half heartedly at the Cat's busy hand.

"Too slow to this pretty kitty," sang the Cat quickly dodging Lister's hand.  
Adjusting the controls back to their original setting, the flashing red light and its accompanying pitch, whined higher and flashed quicker than before.

"You should be able to see it now," said Holly his image hovered on the cockpit's monitor.

"What are you talking about head? I see a whole lot of it's out there. Is there a particular one I'm supposed to see?"

"He's right Hol. Is their something special were supposed to be seeing?"  
Lister asked just before a flaming meteor crossed the ship path.

"Gordon Bennett, that was a closed one," said Holly.  
Then they saw it and it was big. It was especially big for an asteroid within a belt, but it would have been considered big for one out on it's own.

"Wow," was all Lister could come up with as the piece of floating planet  
filled the Plexiglas view screen.

"Huh," slowly dripped from the Cat's mouth as he turned from Holly  
and saw the it he was so recently questioning.

"OK. We came, we saw. Can we leave now?" he added.

"Can you land us Holly?" Lister asked rhetorically. "I don't think I'm up to it."

"Please land us head, I know he's not up to it." The Cat paused and smiled.

"I'll be your best friend."

"OK Dave, I got it." Holly answered.  
For some reason the Cat's lack of faith bothered the mother to be.  
Now this bothered Lister. Sure he had just himself admitted that landing the Bug on such a quickly moving asteroid, and of that size, was a bit beyond  
what his limited expertise has in it's small but effective arsenal. Maybe it was hormonal but to hear the Cat going on about it bothered him. More than he realized.

"Holly I've changed my mind. Give me manual." Lister said, both hands on the crafts controls.

"What?" said the Cat and Holly at the same time. although in different octaves.

"You heard me. I'm gonna land this crate."

"OK Dave, your the boss." With that Holly disengaged the ships auto pilot.  
Lister had really expected more resistance from Holly, an argument, something. Anything. This was clearly demonstrated by the death dive which  
the craft started, showing Lister's lack of preparation for the addition gravity imposed on their craft, which should have been allowed for a celestial body of this size. Some days nothing goes like it should.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
Mamet's Revenge 2

2X4C was the middle four digit to Dr. John Warberton's Deva Droid work Ident. number. When they had first met, like some jerky middle name, it had stuck out in Professor Mamet's mind. When it became his work e-mail address, she remembers with the taste of acid in her mouth, how she had looked forward to seeing them pop up on the screen, indicating a message from her betrothed.

Now they were an ingredient for revenge.  
Taking advantage of the free time granted her by her ex fiancée she did what most career minded individuals did. Drink heavily and throw  
themselves into their work. Before her Honeymoon week was over Professor Mamet had already drawn out the general outline for the new 4000 series mechanoid brain impulse system, designed the physical characteristics and most importantly invented the negadrive.

She had also considered seducing the delivery boy when he brought up a hard liquor she would need for her task ahead, but thought. "Hell, I'd better not, it'd probably kill him."

The Negadrive was an software program cleverly hidden in a file marked 4X2C among the tens of thousands of others which held various bits of data information. Within here slept her revenge.

Her love had been known to blow his top on occasion. The worst she had ever witnesses was at a office party when she had accidentally been locked in a service closet for twenty minutes with a prototype male prosti droid. Never before and not again until the day of her jilting had she observed such an unmitigated sum of anger, resentment and jealousy.

Many times later she had though he acted outlandishly pompous, loitering over his precious team, like some kind of mother hen clucking buffoon. True he must of had his good points, but at this late date she couldn't recall one. Except perhaps his groinal attachment.

"When Mamet first had her designs sent up to be OKed by her superiors, the day she returned back to work, she really didn't know what kind of a reaction to expect. On one hand her design for the 4000 Series was just what they executives wanted. Something that was clearly distinguishable a robot, and seemingly inferior to man, and man's precious ego. Just the opposite of the 3000 series. If Deva Droid International was going to keep on top it would need to back pedal on the whole More Human than Human adverts. What would be more perfect than what she proposed.

Looking up through the Starbug's windshield the Cat witnessed a stellar array of asteroids dancing above and about the one they were currently trying to land on. The display was spectacular. Asteroids whishing this way then that. The Cat started looking up at the asteroids in an attempt to distract himself from the death dive they were currently in. He was now helplessly transfixed upon the dance, and unable to aid Lister even if he had wanted to. He couldn't help it, he was a cat. All those little shiny rolly polly things.

"What the smegs happening Hol, why aren't we slowing down?"

"I don't know", admitted a distorted Holly "There must be some sort of shrrrrtcrrrrrrettttttt...that's disrupting our landing jets."

"Can you do anything about it . We're in a bit of a fix here."  
Lister shouted over the whining of the craft. As the ship came dangerously close to a particularly high outcropping which seemed to appear from of nowhere.

"Hang on Dave I think it's kkkkkkrrrrt...alive," said Holly convincingly.

"What is!" Dave shouted.

"GRXV7128 is. Krrrtsttssssssst The very asteroid your about to crash on. . Guess I shouldn't have said that"

Then static.

In an attempt to keep the craft, and it's crew from being flambéed Lister veered hard to port missing a geyser of molten mud spewed from the Asteroid below. Sweat covering his brow,he looked in the Cat's direction for help.

Unfortunately the Cat had become so absorbed in the asteroid dance that he was now pawing at them, playing with them as though he could actually touch them. Miming a game only he could see.

Lister stared for a moment transfixed at the sight. Incredulous.  
A jolt of steam from the asteroid, barely 50 feet below the  
green underbelly of the craft, rocked the ship and Lister back into the world of the here and now. The Cat had been completely knocked out of the cockpit.  
Pulling up on the control stick the bug like craft lurched about like an asthmatic in a hay field on a Def Con 5 pollen alert day. Fighting with the control stick Lister finally seemed to regain control of the ship to surface vessel and bring it in for a bumpy landing on a dark barren rock. The Cat muttered obscenities in the background, while separated himself from a storage locker he had fallen in to during a particularly rough segment of the landing.

"Next time wear your seat belt an that won't happen." Said Lister, still fiddling with the controls, not looking at the Cat.

"Are you insane?" Shouted the disheveled feline. "And put a crease in my trousers. Maybe at some point you should learn how to drive this thing.  
Or at least let old chrome dome do it, at least he knows how."

"Look it wasn't me. O.K. While you were stargazing Holly said that he thought something was down here ." Lister paused looking up. "Something alive."

"Alive?" Repeated the Cat, the word stopping him in his tracks.

"Exactly what is alive down here, may I ask?"

"Don't know. The transmission was pretty garbled." Answered Lister.

"Well then ask the head maybe he can tell us." Rebuked the Cat cheerfully.

"No can do man. Can't raise anything but static," His both hands rubbing his football shaped stomach.

"Before I lost the signal completely he sent over some coordinates."  
Dave punched up the information and a screen above his head illuminated with a computer generated map of the asteroid, a green bug shaped icon, and a red blip which was situated on the far side of the map.

"Wow that was even neater that the shiny things." Elated the Cat.  
Lister just shook his head. Here he was on an unstable asteroid, with an unstable crewman, pregnant, with something alive out there and out of communication with his ship. On some wild goose chase because of something he saw in a dream. "Well at least everything was about par for the course" he thought.

Pressing the button marked "C" on the control console Lister placed a cigarette in his mouth. Much to his surprise caterpillar tracks lowered themselves from the bug's belly and on to the hard rock plain of the asteroid below. Carrying ship and crew towards the red blip marked on the map and to whatever else fate had in store for them. Lister's cigarette remained unlit, beat up and crooked, it dangled from his dusky his lips. His thoughts were of his grandmother whenever light on the console lit up and white noise filled the cabin. It seemed there was something more on the asteroid than just darkness.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

We've lost them

Holly's image was more pixilated than ever, and every tenth word was interrupted by static, but Lister ignored these details, to much else was at stake. Shortly after the start of the land bound quest the reason for the  
transmission failure had been found. The Cat had plugged his leg hair waxer and curler into the power consul on the habitation section of the bug and that was that. When he unplugged it the warning beacons came on informing the crew that a 400 foot drop was directly in their path, and course changes were necessary. A course change or two later, the Bug's crew was again in contact with its mother ship.

Lister and The Cat had been following the S.O.S. beacon with Starbug Two via its retractable caterpillar tracks, traveling at breakneck speed, almost 40 klm. per hour, for nearly two hours. Even at this pace more than half the asteroid had already been searched and the source of the beacon still eluded the team.  
Soon after the team reached a rather large out cropping of what can only be described as a mountains, which loomed in the distance. Holly slowed down the green insect looking craft as the approached the foot hills.

"Holly why are we slowing down?" Asked Lister the annoyance seeping into his voice.  
Holly's voice was delayed and broken up while his picture was worse than before. " ...too steep...tracks...  
...out on foot...  
...only a few hundred ...  
Then silence.

"Holly. Holly! Lister repeatedly jabbed a the radio control panel. A few hundred what?  
A few hundred inches?  
A few hundred feet?  
Miles?"  
Lister was answered with snow and static.

For a full twenty minutes Rimmer had been annoying Holly  
with his endless jabbering about being struck in the face with a rather large asteroid. Holly did his best to pay as little attention to Rimmer as he possibly could, without actually paying any at all. Finally he decided on the loop.

Every now and again a digitalized loop tape would have Holly's image saying "uh huh" and "yes Arnold," and several other non specific answers, as Rimmer prattled on and on.  
Holly's real time image ripping through the recording that Rimmer had been conversing with. "We've lost them," Holly's entrance took no  
care to hide the fact that Rimmer had spent the last 52 minutes talking to a recording.

Rimmer momentarily confused by the sudden image change,  
replied "What?"  
Holly informed Rimmer this only when the static from the Starbug's lost transmission became more annoying than the buzz of A.J. Rimmer's constant whining.

"Holly have I just spent the last," Rimmer paused to look at his watch,"52 minutes giving orders to a recording?"

"No" Holly lied. "It must have something to do with the interference I'm getting."

"Interference? What interference?" Queried Rimmer

"The interference I told you about 52 minutes ago, from the asteroid itself." answered Holly.

"Just before I turned on the recording," he thought.

"Holly what kind of interference can an asteroid give off. Some stupid dead piece of rock floating around in space. I mean aside from hitting us in the face they're pretty harmless. Especially if you're riding on it. Be a bit of a trick getting hit in the face with that one eh Hol?" Rimmer grinning

"No Arnold, Your completely wrong as usual," Holly said. "This asteroid seems to be one of the alive varieties, and quite dangerous if disturbed. Especially while it's eating."

"What are you driveling on about?" Questioned Rimmer, putting as much snideness in his voice as possible.

"Look there are you two basic kinds of asteroids, First you got your old ones, your deadish ones, the kind that don't make any fuss unless they get to close to a planet or a sun, and even then usually aren't much trouble. Then there are you active asteroids. Your living ones as they're called." Explained the ships computer.

"Why do they call them that?" Inquired Rimmer.

"Well some of these younger asteroids were parts of planets only a few dozen millennium ago. And as part of a planet they still contain  
gasses, frozen liquids, possible glaciers, some are even known to have active volcanoes. And when the conditions are just right all their frozen liquid  
becomes heated liquid and due to their consequential creation, may cause explosions through out the asteroid. It's even rumored that some asteroids still keep deeply  
locked within them the very soul of their doomed planet. With the hopes of finding a new planet to call home. Or..." Holly hesitated.

"Or what Holly?"

"Trust me Arnold, you don't want to know."

"Don't worry Holly I can take it when it pertains to Lister."

"O.K. Arnold" Holly answered. As he said this all the lights in the drive room when dim and in an eerie voice through the PA system Holly droned,

"Or extract revenge on it's killers!"  
Rimmer startled by Holly's light show stammered " Su... Sssu...So?"

"Well I don't want to frighten you Arnold but there's a good chance, judging by the travel path of the belt, that this particular belt was made a bit closer to Earth."

"If you don't want to frighten me turn up the bloody lights!" Shouted Rimmer in near hysterics. When all was back to full light mode, and Rimmer's voice an octave or two lower he asked. "How much closer to Earth?"

"Well judging by the trajectory I believe that the star system that was destroyed in making this asteroid belt was visible from Earth. Possibly as far away as Mercury" Holly added.

"What does all this mean you overrated adding machine?" Exhaled old Iron Balls.

"Well for one thing if we don't get back in touch with Starbug Two in the next forty minutes we may as well close shop and go home early."

"Why would we possibly do that?' Asked Rimmer.

"Because moose brain. They'll be dead."

"Oh," was all Rimmer could come up with. In retrospect it seemed kind of flat.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
Fred the Asteroid

Fred the Asteroid hadn't always been an asteroid, in fact his mother had wanted him to become an island. Like his brother Frank. Unfortunately this was not to be. No tropical breezes to caress his body, no ocean surrounding him, lapping his edges. No tides ever flowing and ebbing on in a never ending rhythm, like the breathing of the small living organisms that were now fated never to scurry along Fred's smooth white sandy non existent beaches.  
Even an asteroid can dream.

The blue super giant had been stalked for six months. Then the little biological creatures made their move.

After the unwarranted attack on a completely defenseless and unarmed star system local outcry was heard far and wide. A witness was quoted as saying;

"There was a great KABOOM! Then there was star stuff everywhere. SOB. It was horrible."

In the first six minutes the explosion tore through the three inner planets of Fred's system, and then were consumed by their mother star, in a fiery flare of energy that would light up the entire galaxy for more than a month, giving off more energy than the Earth's sun could in ten billion years. It was a hell of a bang.

The perpetrators sped away from the scene of the crime at warp speed, like young vandals breaking store front windows then running only to be swallowed up into the darkness before the cold hand of justice could rest firmly on their guilt ridden shoulders.

Of the inner planets, the two gas giants suffered the worse, of which, three of their thirty four collective moons held a certain amount of undetectable intelligent life, in the form of rather clever plants. They frizzled out of existence nano seconds before the giants themselves ignited, like two planet size Roman candles, but just as they really started to flare up they were extinguished by the blast, then engulfed and torn asunder.

The three outer planets were not completely consumed by their distant mother. Seeing the bright flare in the center of their solar system they foolishly though to run. But to where? Never mind to where, but how? While still contemplating this question the three outer planets, were caught in the supernova blast and were also torn apart, though not completely vaporized by their once life giving mother star. Apparently whomever had taught these planets their physics seemed to have left out certain little bits of information like, how to run from a mother star which should have lasted another twenty-five million years or so, but had suddenly gone supernova on you like a football player who caught you trying to give a frenchy to his mum.

The shock wave which tore the solar system apart and consequently formed an asteroid belt also gave it the much needed momentum which a belt of that size must have in space if it was to find a new home in this great big crazy cosmos.

"There was asteroid belt everywhere." a local news reported commented.

"Oceans freezing in place, lava flows forming into weird and eerie shapes while hardening solid, like so much popcorn blasting ever which way, as the star which was their mother, was mindlessly destroyed."

"This figures", thought Fred the Asteroid rather sardonically, while hurling into deep recesses of a rather unfashionable part of his galaxy with his brothers and sisters, some nothing more than giant clouds of dust or frozen water dozens of miles across, becoming thinner and thinner as the blast carried them further and further into deep space.

Fred then went to sleep for the next two point nine million years, not that he was really counting. Fred wasn't that kind of asteroid. His attitude was, "Take what life throws you and work with it."

"That very attitude", his mother had once told him, "is precisely what will get you into trouble, my young formation." But the truth of it to be told, was Coke a Cola advertising department was the problem.

So long ago when he was a mere puddle of molten lava meandering through the seemingly never ending labyrinth that was his mothers womb, along with his thousands and thousands of siblings, coursing through these interconnecting passages never the same way twice, Fred knew he was different. But never had he thought that the sanctity of his planet would be his responsibility to avenge.

Fred, like so many others of his contemporaries, had never been to the surface. True since he had been aging he had been surfacing, but the rate was so slow that it was hardly noticeable. It had been ten thousand years since he had actually been with his mother, deep in the center of her being, glowing white hot bubbling and oozing through the cooler eddies that would congeal, then dissipate at his touch. The familiar warmth of her caress, the stories she would tell, her relentlessly grinding about.

Like a wash woman with twelve kids, who took in extra wash to pay the rent, so too she, Fred's mother, had her grinding to do, as rent on the gravity well that kept an atmosphere over her and her children's heads.

Now Fred thought he was out on his own, even though his very motion contributed to keeping the gravity as it should be. His constant pressure on the elder siblings above him, kept them ever breathing, the solid adult continents heaving up and down hundreds of feet above and below sea level across the span of a few hundred thousand years. Give or take a millennium, was the breathing of the planet Fred called home.

True Fred could brag to the others of having almost been sucked up through a blow hole, when he would conveniently get caught up within a chamber of solidity with several of his playmates, within his mother's lower mantle. This would have fulfilled his mother's wishes which Fred did not openly share. Sometimes he would dwell there a decade or two longer then he should have, but that was the kind of young lava flow that Fred was.

During lessons Fred mind would wander, "there was so much to learn that if I had a head, and understood what a head was, it would hurt".

"All that one planet soul stuff that I'll never use in real life. I'm part of an young healthy planet, what do I have to fear except maybe some biological carbon based tiny germ like creatures from an impossible distance away. Sure like who's going to believe that?"

Fred had a lot to learn.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
Stepping out

Lister sipped his tea and mulled the concept over.  
"No I don't think we should wait." Was his answer to a question which was never asked.

The look on the Cat's face was that of a question mark, although both understood the unrequited reply. Wordlessly Lister started putting on his extra large, for preggos only, space suit. The one which comes with an extra zipper and belly helmet, like a turtle shell but worn on the front and built in to the suit.

The Cat disappeared only to reappear minutes later in his favorite gold space suit, with matching cufflinks and an extra large helmet, to assure his pompadour all the head room it truly deserved. The dark stretch of dinghy black material which creased around his shoulder pads attached themselves, behind, to a mining bazookoid slung neatly over his shoulder.  
The Cat strutted up to Lister like a bitch queen in a beauty pageant and Lister was... well Lister. The Cat looked the pregnant Dave up and down, his giggling was only hidden by his airs of contempt.

"Can't you even try? A little?" The Cat questioned, earnest stamped on his face.

"Cat what is with you? You know the score. We're about to go for a stroll  
down monster lane, in the million to one chance that we may find the only thing that can save my life and my two unborn babies. If we somehow manage to do that, then we have the minor problem of having lost contact with the Dwarf." Lister announced, trying to express the difficulties of their mission ahead. "We are not going down to the disco on the pull."

"O.K. be that as it may. But if we see anyone we know, or even someone we don't know, I am not with you. You understand that doo doo breath."

"Sure, I get the point." said Lister and picked up his bazookoid. "Come on let's get into the airlock."

"And we better make it quick. I feel a snooze coming on."  
The airlock door closed in front of them, a hiss could be heard fill in  
small room, then when the pressure was right the outside doors opened.  
Although their space suits kept their interior temperature the same as within the craft, both felt a chill and an errie temperance filled their hearts.

"After you my good lady," said the Cat bowing deep at the waist,  
his right hand in a sweeping forward motion.  
Lister sighed. "Thanks a smeggen bunch." Pushing the Cat out of his  
way with the body of the bazookoid he added, "Have you been taking lessons from Rimmer?"

"Listen grease stain. The only reason I'm even out here with you is to get away from Trans Am wheel arch nostrils. Going on a stroll through Monster Canyon with you is an extra bonus I could live without."  
Lister walked on ahead as if he hadn't heard the Cat's last remarks.

As the Cat looked around he viewed wonders that Copernicus would have torn his eyes out for. A distant planetoid, another world, sure it only measured twelve miles across and five deep, but it was alive and dangerous.  
Those same feline eyes that Cap would have really wanted to have, scanned something in the distance.

From the mountain range, that topped the far side of the rim of the giant crater the foot of which he stood at, to the deep valley created by a collision unknown millennium ago where a huge green gray mud geyser shimmered above the pool that had just stated forming about it's base. As though, somehow their presents started this action. Clearly this was a new geological development.

The Range in the distance reflected what little light there was on the asteroid in a deep orange glow. For some unknown reason this caused the  
deep black of the sky to shimmer in purples and mauves. While the brother and sister asteroids of the belt danced throughout the sky going every which way. The Cat learned not to stare at the sight too long or be helplessly lost  
in the game. Again.

In this dark desolate place a million miles form nowhere the Cat with his superior eyes spotted a glimmer in the distance beyond he geyser below the  
orange mountain range. Tired as he was the Cat was going to keep this little tid bit of information to himself for the time being, and spring it on Lister when the time was right. Preferably after he had napped for a bit.  
Lister clutched the bazookoid - the heavy portable rock blasting mining laser - to his chest, and checked again that the pack on his back was registering 'Full Charge'.

"What do you make of it Cat? See anything?" A note of tension filled  
his voice.

"No," lied the Cat. "Now can we go back inside and nap a little. I for  
one am not trudging through Fred here's discharge, all tuckered out."

"Fred? Questioned Lister, who the smeg is Fred?"

"This asteroid were on. It looks like a Fred."

"A Fred? The asteroid were on looks like a Fred. Have you gone completely noodle doodle," Lister using both hands to help explain his meaning. "Maybe an Albert on a good day. But never a Fred". Dave hesitated as thinking of something then repeated. "Never."

"Suit yourself monkey, I for one am done. The cat spelling it out for emphasis. "D-U-N. Done."  
The two were about 50 yards from the ship when the scanner  
on Lister's belt went off. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

"What the hell is that?" said the Cat jumping to Lister side holding on to his shoulder.

"Relax it's just the scanner," replied Lister. Removing the scanner from his belt, he was disheartened by the fact that he had to let go of his bazookoid to do this, he didn't want the Cat to know this.  
Studying the scanner and adjusting it Lister stared down the lip of the crater which easily measured a mile across.

"It's coming from somewhere down there." Lister said pointing in the  
general direction of a spewing mud geyser half way across the crater.

"Come on Cat we'll take a quick stroll in that direction," Lister pointed to the geyser, "and be back by nappy time. O.K.?"

"No kay!" Answered the Cat defying Lister, "This little kitty will not miss his early afternoon nap for you or for anyone." He said with an airs of indignation.

"If I did that I wouldn't have enough energy left for my main evening snooze." He turned around to face the ship arms folded, indicating the conversation was over.

"Fine have it your way" muttered LIster, and started to walk down the crater rim. Three steps down Listers right foot broke through the thin mantle of the crater's rim and fell completely through the upper crust,  
like so much thin ice, into an underground river of hot gray green mud.  
Before he knew what was happening he was sucked below the surface by the raging torrent of the mud river that was ice only an hour earlier.  
The Cat turning back towards Lister suddenly found himself alone on an asteroid, his only companion within thousands of miles seemed to have vanished while he wasn't looking.

"This is a funny time for the monkey to want to play hide and seek," thought the Cat. "But if that's the way he wants it."

"Ollie Ollie Oxen Free. I'm coming to find you." hollered the Cat. one hand cupped by the helmet of his space suit. Then turned on his Cuban moon boots and headed in a bee line back to the Bug for a long overdue nap.

As he was curling up near one of the portable radiators the moment had come when a thought had crossed his mind, that perhaps Lister wasn't playing hide and seek. And that perhaps he could be in trouble and be in dire need of his aid at this very moment.  
"Nah, that's just too far fetched" muttered the Cat, then fell directly to sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
Mudd Bath

Currently under Starbug Two in an underground mud river cavern, Lister was in dire need of the Cat's help. Moving quite rapidly towards something unseen in the distance, the only thing that Lister could see through his space helmet's view port was green gray mud, and lot's of it.

Doing his best to ride with the current while simultaneously trying to protect his stomach Lister was in no harm, temporarily. His space suit  
was made to adapt to outside temperatures, and kept the wearer quite comfortable. If not for the feeling that the walls were closing and that he wanted to rip the suit from his body in abject panic everything would be dandy. Added to the fact that Lister was blissfully unaware that there was  
only about 43 minutes of oxygen left in his one remaining unpunctured oxygen tank, he could almost relax.

"This is quite a ride for fifty pence," breathed Lister as he was momentarily hung upside down, the flow of hot mud pinning him against a  
rather uncomfortable niche in the rock. Just as soon as he got caught up  
somewhere, something would arbitrarily twist the current setting him free once again to be sent hurtling through a tube of filthy mud to, to where?

That was the underlying question on Lister's mind, and with good reason.  
A red light illuminated in the lower right side of the interior of Lister's helmet. Then it turned off. Then on again, then off. Distracted from the chaos around him Lister's attention was drawn to the blinking red light.  
He read it. "Oxygen readout, forty minutes and counting when blinking."

"Great," Lister thought. "If I still insists on riding down the u bend on his way to the canal, in thirty-nine minutes more minutes I'll be a dead beach ball. If all this wasn't bad enough." he thought, "I could kill for a curry". Then the current again played a game of topsy turvy where Lister was the top, and LIster started moving again. "I am not having a good time!" he gritted as the current moved him once again.

He gained the moments respite by with his accidental grabbing of a malformed stalagmite. Still holding on with his right hand he fumbled with his left at a control on his chest plate.

"If I can just hit the homing beacon..." was all of the thought that was completed when a fresh current of mud, so hot that Lister felt it through his space suit, dragged him from his anchor and onward again. Towards the light that could not be seen at the end of the tunnel, which Lister prayed was there.

Aboard the mining ship Red Dwarf things had gotten worse. The calculations and predictions that Holly had calculated and predicted about the asteroid field, and the navigation course he had charted, had a slight flaw.  
They were complete and utter tripe, not useful for anything but lining a  
bird cage with. Considering the amount of mistakes that Holly had made and printed out for this very venture, the bird could be a Dinosaur.

Right from the start the computation that the small rogue one wouldn't be struck, never mind damaged, had to be thrown right out the window. The ship's telecommunication antenna had been stuck by a freak chance of misshaped luck and what about the Red Dwarf team wasn't a freak misshapen piece luck? Not only occasionally, but continually.

It was as though a certain segment of the belt's lesser bodies had been attracted to the small but noticeable gravity emitted by the great ship. These attracted riders mostly, ice and dust, seemed determined to do their best to destroy the upper workings of the lower port of the ship. Which as luck, misshapen or otherwise would have it, was where the antenna had been situated. Now of course it could be considered an ex antenna.

This was not good for Holly, but Rimmer was having the time of his life. He felt vindicated from all his former failures in the eyes of himself, the ship's computer, the crew and anyone else who cared to notice.

"Oh let's not listen to old Rimmsey. We'll all have a big laugh watching him give orders to a recording for the better part of an hour. "I've got it all under control." Rimmer imitated Holly. "You over rated calculator. How could you let this happen? How?" Shouted Rimmer's, his accusations dripping with self righteous indignation.

"Look Arnold If I told you I knew what was going on I'd be lying.  
Somehow, don't ask me how but we've become a major attraction."  
Holly's digitalized face formed into a snicker.

"What's so funny?" Ranted Rimmer.

"The fact that over the course of almost an hour and you didn't  
realize you were talking to a recording."

Something happened to Rimmer in the next instant. His face little by little slowly turned into a fist as it scrunched up with no end in sight, his body soon followed. When he did finally stop, being able to contract no more, Rimmer lay curled up into a tight ball on the cold metal floor of the Science Lab, only then did he let out a grown of agony.

"Something's wrong in the Hologramatic simulation suite," thought  
Holly. I'd better do something fast of Rimmer could end up stuck in that  
agonizing shape indefinitely. As Holly was about to order the scutters to check on the suite, a sound came through the speaker. It was a Starbug Two's emergency alarms, one of the types that went Awooga Awooga and Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee, only to be broadcast in the mostdire of emergencies. This probably meant that the Cat and Lister were either in very serious trouble or more probably dead. Either way Holly was unable to help them, while Rimmer laid on the floor.

Holly stared to gurn, twisting his face into the most ludicrous positions,  
to help pass stressful times. Holly had given this up for a while but it would seem for now that he would gurn again. And with great gusto.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Mud Bath 2

A yawn split the Cat's face and made his head appear to double in size. He sprang down from the upper bunk, arched his spine and stretched until the back of his head was touching the heels of his red bunny slippers, then yawned again. He opened the door of the mini fridge, reached inside. He draped his imitation King Penguin fur smoking jacket casually over his shoulders before popping the top off a magnum of milk and filling a crystal goblet. He gargled petitely, urinated in a locker and was feeling curious, as should be expected.

"Old dog food face wouldn't let me touch the controls while we were flying around up their." His mind quickly drifting to the shiny rolly polly things, and with the fear of getting lost in their spell again, he looked for a distraction. To take his mind off them he decided he would press every cool button in the ship. Then maybe take a shower. He had completely forgotten about Lister's existence never mind his disappearance. Until he spotted a half eaten vindaloo to the cockpit.

"If old dormouse cheek's want's to play hid and seek on an asteroid, well than let him". There no reason to rush or rule in the book about how long he might have to wait until the I start looking for him."  
The Cat smiled. "Hey, I wonder what happens when I press this button?"  
The Cat's finger glided to a shiny red button.  
The moment the button was depressed the earsplitting sound of an alarm filled the ship.  
!

Immediately the Cat pressed both his hands to his ears as hard as he could. The sound was far more painful to the Cat's feline ears than could have possibly been imagined by anything human.  
Using his right hand, leaving his left in place, the Cat begin hitting buttons in the hope that he'd eventually hit the one that would shut that damn alarm off. Removing his hand even for a moment meant agony, so back to his ear went his hand. He tried again. His hand made it half way to the control console and back it went again. This went on, the Cat alternating attempting hands, until finally the he steeled himself with all his will power, which was a limited resources, and actually managed to hit a button. Unfortunately this added an Awooga, to the constant squealing of the first alarm.

Now the alarm went Eeeeeeeeeeeee AWOOGA eeeeeeeeeeeeee AWOOGA eeeeeeeeeeeeee AWOOGA eeeeeeeeeee AWOOGA eeeeeeeeee AWOOGA!  
This may have been louder thought the Cat trying to find some good in his effort. "At least it broke up," he yelled.

Dropping to his knees the Cat desperately started hitting buttons with his nose. Not only with his nose, but with his ears, his cheeks, his tongue, his chin, he even managed to depress a smaller white one with his left eye, but to no avail. Finally moronically waddling on his knees, hands still tightly fastened about his ears, the nimble Cat managed his way into the airlock and hit the DOOR CLOSE button with an elbow. The sound was not cut off, but it was demurred, giving the Cat a moment to gather himself up and sauce out the situation.

"Since I can't go back, I'll go forward". Said the Cat, happy to be able to hear his own voice.  
His space suit was already in the airlock all he'd have to do was slip it back on, hit the big shiny candy like red button and go finish his hide and seek game with Lister.  
"How hard could this be?" Thought the Cat while hitting the big red button. "After all I'm used to hunting small little furry animals on a really big ship. Now all I gotta do is find a big smelly dog that resembles a shinny silver beach ball on one small itty bitty asteroid. Ten minutes tops." said the Cat contemptuously.

When the airlock doors opened the Cat got hit full in the face with a shower of mud. It seems that he geyser had gotten stronger since his little nap, and consequently had started flooding the crater which surrounded it. The crator he knew Lister to be hiding in.

"O.K. Maybe twenty minutes on the outside," he said wiping mud from his  
visor, and was off.

Lister awoke from a dream, he was curled in a ball. The dream was one he had had before. He was standing in front of his Phys. Ed. in Junior D class and wetting his pecks. He was relieved for a moment that he had woken up and that this was in fact, back to reality. This lasted a full six seconds before the truth, like a bull horn, tore through his brain with the speed, and the roar of thunder.

Upon opening his eyes Lister saw only darkness.  
Unsure if he had actually opened his eyes or not, he attempted to wipe them clean with his shirt sleeve. Something was stopping him from getting to his eyes, some kind of bubble. What the hell was going on he thought when it hit him. An outstretched piece of asteroid that is, which caught Lister across his left shoulder blade, completing his six seconds of zero recall.

Lister had the uncanny ability to fall asleep in the most unlikely places. This was a defense mechanism that kept Lister alive through many hours of school, and through even more Reggie Hammond Organ recitals. Those who knew him in his youth would have proudly swore that if sleeping was an Olympic event, Lister could have slept for his country.

With the dreams behind him, and a mud streaked future before him, Lister realized that he was actually moving faster than when he had nodded off. Hoping that when all was said and done he would have either have been spat out by the asteroid as inedible, or dead when he awoke. Unfortunately neither had occurred and he was still caught in the sickening flow of asteroid gunk.

"What a stupid way to go," he thought. He remembered when he was ten years old and Tommy Ledbeater had dared him to climb up the chimney of the burnt out tenement past the other abandon buildings near the Tubes.  
Unable to think ahead more than three minutes at a time, he accepted the dare, and was stuck in the chimney three hours. Luckily a local constable heard his cries, and returned him home only slightly harmed. Had to teach the boy a lesson you know. This reminded him of that time when he was young and helpless and at the mercy of chance, the great equalizer.

The illuminated gauges within his helmet told him that his nap had been short and he still had another nineteen minutes of air remaining before he would suffocate to death. He thought he saw his life flash before his eyes. The garden he played in as a child, the first time he rode a bike, his  
first french kiss. His marriage and three lovely daughters. At that moment Lister realized that it was not his life flashing before his eyes but somebody else's.

While still trying to recall whose life he had been recalling his angle of motion followed a strange curve in the rock and Lister's direction had most definitely changed. Suddenly, even though he was upside down, he knew he was traveling upward. Ascending faster and faster toward what he didn't know.

It had taken the Cat the better part of ten minutes to get to the bottom of the crater, and to the edge of the mud lake where he was now ankle deep  
in the warm gray green mud of an asteroid named Fred.  
The Cat wasn't exactly sure where he was headed, but he did remember  
the shiny glare in the distance, and though that was as good a spot as any to start. Unaccustomed to the space suit, and it's exact function, the Cat moved with incredible speed, taking full advantage of the low gravity, and making brilliant time.

The Cat was also blissfully unaware of the dangers related in the tearing of his life giving clothing, and of the danger of puncturing his air tanks which were not full. He was even more unaware of the dangers of jumping so high that he could completely escape the miniscule gravity of the asteroid and wind up in orbit. This was for the best, for if our favorite feline knew any of these risks he would have stayed in the bug and simply destroyed the control console. Something that hadn't yet been completely ruled out in the Cat's mind.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18  
Lister at "Mudd Baths" End

Dave Lister, the last human alive by some mysterious quirk of fate had become impregnated and now carries twin boys. A quest to save his unborn offspring and himself from certain death, had led him onto a path, which would lead him to certain death, and quite a miserable one at that, in just over twelve minutes.

"Horrible painful asphyxiation, buried alive on an Asteroid called Fred.  
Not exactly the way I would have chosen, had I a choice." Dave thought to himself. "Unless I can somehow manage to escape from this serpentine of intestines and get a fresh oxygen supply pronto, I'm dog meat."  
For some unknown reason the rush of mud had seemed to slow down and Lister had managed to grab hold of something solid in the murk. He pounded away at his present "ceiling" with his feet, in a desperate hope to break on through to the other side. But to no avail.

As suddenly as it slowed mud started to move again and Lister was torn from his perch. Not unlike a canary in a house with three cats, and the misses has gone out to the cinema.  
Ten minutes.

Fred was currently more active than he had been in years, So much in fact that if good old Fred had any peers who could talk they would tell you the same. Or at least something similar.

Fred was fulfilling a mission. Not a mission that he was happy with. Not something he would brag about in conversation, at least not in polite conversation. All in all it had given him a sense of satisfaction. Asteroids are like the elderly and the permanently baffled, they like to be of use, feel as though their doing something. Contributing something no matter how small. Still it wasn't the island paradise he had always secretly hoped for. Sure he openly rebelled against his mother's wishes, but that is the folly and the innocence of youth, had he it all to do over. "Ah well, what's the use he thought." and doubled the strength of the mudd flow which was currently playing with Lister like he beach ball he was.

Nine minutes  
Inside a particularly wide pool, within the belly of the beast as it were, Lister swirled around in slow loose circles. The size of the great flooded cavern he was in slowed the current, allowing Lister a brief respite.  
"Think man! Think!" Thought Lister as he frog swam through the green ooze, until he hit something solid.  
"Ow!"  
Holding on with eyes closed he tried to get a sense of balance, a sensation of the small gravitational pull from the center of Fred.

Eight Minutes.  
"O.K. I got it", thought Lister. as he opened his eyes he started groping about the solid parts around his mud pool. Looking for a piece that he could break off.

Seven Minutes.  
With the muds flow down to a trickle Dave systematically worked his gloved hands over the solid rock looking for something to give way.

Six minutes.  
"Nothing so far all smooth," he thought. His hand was held ever so lightly In place by a light vacuums pulling it towards an unseen fissure in the rock.  
"What the smeg?" Lister replied, and pulled his hand out and resumed his searched.

Five Minutes.  
Dave was thinking "Nothing! Smeging Hell! All's tighter than a bank managers purse strings", when something came loose. A stalagmite the size of a cricket bat pulled free of it's natural moorings giving him a fighting chance.

Four Minutes.  
Returning to the area where again Lister was able to feel the pull from  
the fissure's vacuums, he started to work. Guiding his rock like bat with his  
right, and pushing inward with his left he resembled a pregnant man  
in a space suit ramming a cricket bat sized stalagmite into the side of a cavern wall in slow motion. Through the green gray all around him he couldn't see a thing. But could sense quite as bit.

Three minutes.  
Within Dave's space suit it was starting to get warm, and the air ever so stale. Dave did not think about this, he kept hammering onward at the fissure in the rock. Nor did he think about the sweat that was now covering his body. He could feel the effect his constant pounding was having as the vacuums became stronger and stronger. He was close.  
"I only hope to smeg that this leads to somewhere." Was all Dave thought.

Two minutes  
With a the effort of a water buffalo doing a tap dance while simultaneously having personal relations with a cocker spaniel Lister  
broke though to something that could only be called the outside. Unfortunately in his excitement he had rushed and slipped, and the current which was now quite strong pinned him within the very hole he was digging only moments earlier. Green gray mud flowed past him where it could.  
Like some over stuffed toy Lister's lower half perturbed sideways outside  
a wall of the crater that the Cat was nearing.

"What the hell is that" said the Cat. As a new geyser started out of a wall only a hundred meters away or so, but was quickly blocked up by Lister. The Cat changed his course as to investigate the strain phenomenon.

In abject panic Lister was thrashing about as hard as a pregnant man who is trying not to damage his space suit while simultaneously wedged between life and multiple deaths thorough a wall of an asteroid called Fred in deep space. Which when you come to think about it, really isn't very hard. To Lister he was a wiry fish trying to snap an angler's hundred and fifty pound tension steel shank fishing line.

One minute  
A poorly digested piece of cabbage moved through Lister's colon just enough for a small pocket of gas to relieve itself from its current position, and consequently freed the trapped Lister from his hole in the cavern wall.  
The pressure had built up quite a bit by this time and Lister was spat out with a great plop an sent flying through space. Strait as a missile towards the unsuspecting Cat.

"Oh !" was Lister the human cannon ball's response.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19  
Out of the Mud and into the Fire

The compression had become to great, and like a giant pop gun Lister popped out of the asteroid via the geyser on the crater's wall.  
Like a giant pimple. Popped, Lister flew through the air. "Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggg!"

The Cat who had been watching the phenomena intently for the last few seconds could only stand stupefied and wonder as Lister flew at him through the air. Lister was closing in the unsuspecting Cat, who was watching the missile like body hurling towards him.

Lister touched down face first into the mud pool in which the Cat had been wading, sliding a good fifty feet and finally coming to a halt at the feet of the Cat. The Cat stood staring down at him, wide eyed in disbelief. Shaking his head back and forth he said, "Anything for attention. Right, Prom Queen Carrie Reject?.

Lister wasn't listening. He couldn't be hearing the Cat correctly. If I am alive, he thought, and I don't die too soon, I'm going to spike all his shampoo bottles with extra strength hair remover.

"Air" Lister whispered in a choking voice, a red fluster covered his face. Zero.  
His time had run out.

"What's that buddy? I couldn't quite make it out." The Cat bent over to hear Lister better.

Lister reached around behind the kneeling Cat, and unplucked his small emergency air tank. Before the Cat knew what was going on Lister had plugged it into his emergency access hose, and open the nossel. Life giving air hissed into Lister's filthy space suit, and the blue gray color left Lister's face. Soon a more health shade covered his cheeks.

When he could breath normally he got up and asked the Cat "Where the Smeg have you been? If you hadn't noticed I almost died out here. You better hope my babies are OK." Lister threatened.

"Hey monkey I can't help it if you wanted to play hide and seek. Could I have known you were so good at it? Anyway unless you want to hang around all day, I found something not to far from here."

The Cat held up a charred chunk of leather hat. The hat had flesh color  
plastic melted around the edges. Lister took the Hat in his hand gently, as if holding something of the recently dead. He recognized it as the hat Kryten was wearing the last time he saw the mechanoid.

"There's more back round that hill over yonder, I figure we should collect what we can and skidadle. Unless you want us to end up a mud covered permanent additions to this little paradise."

Lister was astonished. Had he always misjudged the Cat?  
"Last one to the wreckage is a shiny fat beach ball," yelled the Cat as he  
sprinted away from Lister. Forcing him to run as well.  
"Bastard," whispered Lister.

When he finally caught up with the Cat he was horrified at what he saw. The Cat sat on top of a large boulder looking off in the distance, all  
around the boulder lay Lister's Asteroid Hopper. In hundreds of pieces.  
"Hey beach ball," the Cat yelled down to Lister. "Take a look at the other side." The Cat motioned him forward.

Lister stared up at the Cat for several seconds longer than he should have. He knew what he was going to find judging by the wreckage of the bike. The question was, in how many pieces?

Walking around the boulder his mind raced at all the possibilities that may have taken place in which Kryten wouldn't look to much like a scrap heap. The reality of it all was far worse than any he could have imagined.  
Debris of mechinoid lay strewn all over the crash site, mixed with pieces  
of space bike. As Lister's eyes drifted across the wreckage they were forced to stop and rest on one of the few recognizable parts. Kryten's head.  
Lying tilted, eyes open and covered by dust up to his chin, a serene smile still seemed to be seen across his lips. A wave of nausea overwhelmed Lister, and he was force to sit on a near by rock.

"Come on buddy, it's not that bad." Said the Cat. "A little glue, some electrical tape and he'll be as good as new."

Lister's head was buried in his hands, and as his looked up at the Cat  
and questioned. "Do you really think so?"

"Hell no! I was just humoring you and all, due to your sensitive condition."  
Lister shook his head. "Thanks a smeggen bunch."

"No problem." Smiled the Cat. His large white teeth reflecting the strange light.  
"O.K. Maybe it is as bad as it looks. But it could be worse, you could need old jar head here for some life and death surgery or something. Let's get it packed up as quickly as possible and head back to the ship. I for one do not want to spend one more moment on old Fred here than I have to."  
A slight tremor shook the ground beneath their feet for a moment.  
Fred was stirring. The Cat helped Lister up, after his fall from the planetoid quake and they both started to work. Quickly.  
With the help of several collapsable storage containers, and a large rake like device all of Kryten was packed up and being load on to  
the bug.

"I hope we get home soon," said the Cat. "I for one have not had a bath for at last three hours. Hell I'm starting to sweat monkey." The Cat shook his head. "This place does not smell right. No siree."  
With that the engines fired up and soon Fred would be a memory.  
Or so they thought

The black and yellow posted warning sign stated;  
"2500 feet to terminal. SLOW Proceed with caution"  
Entering through the cargo bay doors entirely too fast the now fueless, drab green, bug shaped ship to surface vessel, Starbug Two was out of control.  
The trajectory which the ship entered the landing bay on was a few degrees off, sending the uncontrollable craft careened through a scaffold containing a dozen or so scutters. The scutters had been repairing the landing bay wall which had been damaged during the Bugs last outing.

TERMINAL 1500 FEET  
SLOW DOWN  
USE LOW GEARS.  
Another yellow and black warning sign bleared.  
This one was illuminated in an attempt be more forceful.

"Damn thing still pulls to the left." shouted Lister above the squeal of metal against metal as the ships mid section skidded against the interior wall of the cargo bay, scutters bouncing off the plexiglas windshield.

Lister crunched into seventh gear, attempting to slow the craft when he was awkwardly reminded about the cargo both he and the ship now carried.  
"What the hell's wrong with you, I thought you said you could land this thing!" Shouted the Cat who had been showering in the habitation deck and was coming through the cockpit door wearing a long pink silk bathrobe with red cuffs, trim, and bunny slippers. His hair in matching towel wrapped like a turban and tucked in the back.

"Cat!" he called out. "I have a yearning for a chicken vindaloo with a beer milkshake you couldn't imagine."

While the Cat fixed his hair he said; "Can't help you there bud." Looking over again Lister continued, "and I need to use the gents really really badly."  
"Still drawing a blank buddy." The Cat stopped working on his hair.  
"Look let's go through the formality of actually landing the ship in one piece and not wet our keks. We manage those two obstacles, you kill two mice with one stone."

TERMINAL 1000 FEET  
SLOW DOWN.  
THIS MEANS YOU!  
Shouted another helpful sign.

The Cat, after a moment of measuring up the distance, bound through the air through an impossibly small space, landing perfectly into the co-pilots seat, only disturbing the fuzzy dice with the very tip of his towel turban shouted, "Is there anything I could do to help us end up less dead?"

TERMINAL 500 FEET  
RUNAWAY SHIP WEBBING  
PLEASE BARE LEFT

ALL OTHER TRAFFIC RIGHT  
a multi lighted sign displayed, with appropriate blinking lights and arrows.

"Grab the steering wheel and pull back as hard as you can" Yelled Lister as he had been demonstrating for the last 2500 feet. With the Cat's  
strength was added to Lister's the ship slowed down with such force that  
The Cat's Hair turban became undone blinding him to the entire operation. This was probably for the best.

TERMINAL 100 FEET  
BARE RIGHT  
In illuminated black and yellow.

RUNAWAY SHIP WEBBING  
BARE LEFT  
YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE  
IF YOU DO NOT  
Bathed from behind in a deep red light with a skull and cross bones  
silhouette.

Lister and the Cat were screaming when the Bugs auto pilot mechanism engaged and the craft, after another jolt, seemed to freeze in mid air, then started moving ahead again at a much slowed and safer rate. Holly's face came up on the console screen much to the panic stricken duos relief.

''Thanks Hol. Where the smeg have you been? I been trying to get through to you for twenty minutes now."

"Sorry Dave had a bit of a cock up with the receiver, all fixed now," Holly lied. More and more this was becoming the case.

Ever since they had returned home from the Femverse Holly hadn't been the same. Sure he looked like good old Holly, always there for you in a scrap, take care of you in the end he will. But he wasn't. He was a shell of his former self. True for the last one hundred thousand years Holly had been a shadow of his former self. Now he was a shadow of a shell of his former self, which really wasn't that substantial. Holly became more and more absent minded of late.

Actually his mind wasn't present at all.  
The whole of Holly's run time all his data banks, all his vast circuitry  
were working full capacity on a secret project. So secret holly hadn't even allowed himself to fully know what it was about. One day he would know, In the end they all would know, they couldn't help noticing. For now Holly work to do and no time to dwell on corn silken hair.

In the cargo hold of the now stable Starbug, in six individual storage containers, originally designed to carry ore samples to large for the regular sample pods, lay the remains of Kryten's lifeless body. Within Kryten's torso, the largest remaining intact section of Kryten, very near his groinal attachment socket, something stirred. Slowly the blackness drifted away as the warmth from the ship pulled this ancient relic back into the realm of quantum probability. And one thing is for sure. It's not Archie.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20  
Fixing 2X4C

Lister had spent the better part of four months putting Kryten back together again. But unlike the proverbial Humpty Dumpty he had not all the Kings men, but Red Dwarfs finest. They knew sod off little about mechinoid repairs but if you've got a clogged nozzle they're your lads.

"Aye? What's that there then?'' Said Lister referring to a large silver box which was being roughly handled by two scutters who hauled into the sleeping quarters without noticeable ease. It was marked, Deva Droid International, Twain. Model and serial number were stenciled on it's side, it had markings that boasted "easy to carry" handles.

"That's the box that Kryten originally came packaged in," Holly answered  
his face appearing on the room's monitor.

"Oh yea?" Lister said looking up as he squired white spirit up Kryten's nose.  
"Where'd you find it Hol?" Asked Lister.  
"Under the stairs, in the broom closet, down the hall from your quarters."  
What? There's a broom closet on our floor?"

"Gordon Bennett", answered Holly, "Three million and two years and he hasn't discovered the broom closet yet. Talk about your permanent bachelors."  
Rimmer was tired He wanted to lay on his bunk, but a pair of eyes that were not his own stared up at him from his pillow.

"It's hard enough living in this room turned shop, without having somethings eyes staring up at you from your own bunk. I mean where's the justice there?" Rimmer asked to no one in particular.

Lister had managed his way over to the box marked with the serial number 2X4C. He had been attempting to open it for a full five minutes when the Cat slinked into the room. He wore is Pink double breasted morning suit, with  
oversized shoulders. And sported a white rose bud in his lapel.  
"What have you got there monkey?"

"This is the box Kryten came in. Remember we brought it back from the Nova Five?'"

"No, but don't feel bad. It doesn't make you a bad person." The Cat smiled, "just stupid."  
Lister stopped what he was doing, looked at the Cat and said;  
"The robot."  
"Oh! Novelty condom head. Why didn't you say so?"  
Lister shook his head.  
"Anyway this box contains all his belongings, but I can't seem to get it open.  
"Let me have a look"

After a short search the ever fiddling Cat pressed a hidden release catch and the trunk quietly hissed opened. The three peered into it.  
Something peered back at them. Three somethings actually, Kryten's spare heads. Their backs halves were covered in their original styrofoam sheaths.  
There was also a spare hand, three noses, a left foot, and several dozen various smaller pieces and doodads. Two rehydration units, a copy of the electronic bible, Panasonic Version. An instruction booklet marked, for human eyes only and something that resembled an exo-skeleton.

The exoskeleton seem to be a second set of clothing for the mechanoid, with much larger, more mechanical leg and shoulder attachments. A large plastic breast plate comprised of hard black plastic, except for a round white abdominal 8 inch monitor, was the largest single piece.  
Other attachments were included giving the mechanoid a more useful variety of gadgets, protection, and a cool more futuristic look. Although the groin attachment was altered drastically in later models.

"I guess this part was", Lister hesitated looking for the right word, "removable," and lifted up the mechanoid chest plate out of its container.  
Packing peanuts fell all about.  
Lister's mind was racing, "this ensemble could easily save my bottom," he thought. Secretly he wasn't sure he was up to the task, but this made it all different. He tried not to show his elation.

"Hol what do you think can these be fitted with the parts we already have?"  
"Shouldn't be to much of a stretch Dave. I'll see what the scutter can do about it."

"The question now is the time." Lister was having continued nausea throughout the day, and the boys were more restless now then ever.  
"No the question is who the smeg gives a rat's ass. That demented droid rebelled the last time we tried to help him. Who's to say what he'd do this time, were you to somehow and rebuild him. I want it out of here, and I want it out of here now," demanded Rimmer.

"No. interjected the Cat. The question is why do we keep you on at all grease stain. I mean if we want to waste power I for one elect to turn on something else. Hell the vacuum's cleaner drone would be a welcome change."  
Rimmer glared at the Cat with all the venom he could muster. Mentally ticking off another, in a long line of ticks the Cat had acquired on Rimmer's revenge list. As he thought of strangling his crew mate, then making a throw rug out of him, a smiled drifted across Rimmer's face.

The Cat smiled his famous long toothed grin to Rimmer in reply to his smile.  
Lister was thumbing through the instruction manual and had become engrossed in a seventy two page series of simple line drawing complete with lines each pointing to various designated spots all labeled in at least three languages, including; English, German, American and Venusian.  
Lister pondered over the images in the manual and muttered to himself.  
"Easy as done," and walked out of the room ignoring the other..


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21  
Nanobots and porous circuitry?

Auto/Self repair unit

Lister originally took to the tedious task of rebuilding the dismembered mechanoid as a sun dried tomato, bacon and mayo with mustard on whole wheat no less, takes to the wide open untamed sea. Not very at all well. But bit by bit and bob by bob he started to get the hang of it.

He'd spent the last two days and a night in the technical library, then another morning working with Holly in the science lab where the larger portion of the dismantled mechanoids body rested in several plastic containers. In the last fifty six hours he'd learned many things. He had started off thinking that the structure and compositions of mechanoid physiology were incredibly boring. But now he was completely certain of this.

The thing of it was the actual physical mending of a robots body parts was relatively easy, seeing that you have a pair of pliers, two spanners, a welding torch, a set of instructions, two scutters, and a computer with the IQ of six thousand or so to help.

This was the way it went: All body parts from Deva Droid International were numbered and scannable. And the skeletons of most Deva Droid domestics were pretty much all the same, this made replacement parts interchangeable from one series to another.

So even the clumsy clawed scutter could help in the recognition of the parts.  
Once inventory of what was had was finished and saucing out of which parts were damaged beyond repair and which parts were missing all together missing. What couldn't be repaired had to be replaced or rebuilt, it was just so incredibly tedious and time consuming.

"The yellow leg tension cables are done for. They'll have to be replaced."  
said Lister.

"Guess I can have inky run down to stores and fetch a couple of meters of  
hydro suspension replacement cables. They should work about the same I suppose." Holly's voice droned across a white table especially set up for rebuilding of the dismembered machine.

Bits of Kryten lied here and there on the table top.  
A lower leg, its covering melted, lay next to his right shoulder. A mass of multi colored wires with torn burnt edges rested higgly piggly across his  
right arm.

Lister was tired and his feet hurt, and he was craving a cheese and chutney sandwich. Some times his vision would double on him and he'd have to nap on and off.

"Part number Kr1342917036 is useless. So is most of his exoskeleton."  
I'll just replace it at the end with the back up we found."  
Holly urged the seven month pregnant LIster to get proper rest.

"Hey mum you want to knock off now for a couple of hour I'm done in"  
But Lister was firm.  
"Come on Hol. Just hang in there until we finish he rebuilding specs."  
"All right Dave", Holly said unenthusiastically. " I'll give it a go."

Finally after three consecutive days and two nights the doors split open and disgorged a tired but happy Lister onto the habitation deck corridor.  
All the inventory had been done, all the parts that needed to be remanufactured or recreated from scratch were being do so by the scutters.  
All the plans had been set up by a tired and somewhat giddy Holly.

"All right dudes here the plan, the neck bone is connected to the mech. bone, the mech. bone is connected shoulder bone, the shoulder bone is connected to the arm bone. Ah come on you guys join in you know the rest."

As Lister turned the corridor and had heard noise coming from his quarters as a Rimmer shape blur passed him. Before he could think his tired momentum had carried his the few feet and he was already in his quarters before he could think to turn around.  
He found himself staring at the thing which had caused the Rimmer shaped hologram to become a Rimmer shaped blur in the first place.  
It was Kryten. More precisely it was Kryten's head. It must have been that which caused the blurring incident.

Lister had had the scutters remove Kryten's head away from the science lab and put it in his quarters,as not to have it staring at Lister while he mucked around with the ex-mechaniods inners .

The first problem which Lister could see was that the skutters had placed the head facing upward on Rimmer's pillow. He still wasn't that tired that he couldn't appreciate the little joke. The second thing which he couldn't appreciate was that the dismembered head was whistling. And whistling Yankee doodle at that.

The first week of the salvage of Kryten was the most difficult. Once past the initial identifying and general accounting for of all parts, the repair became more like the assembly of a do-it-yourself living room set with dodgie  
origins.

During the second week Dave Lister would spend the whole of the day mending major and minor welds in the Kryten's frame. Then spend the final few hours working on the mechanoid's head. Each evening he would test a patch of circuitry. One by one he would test. If it was flawed he would solder it, then test it again. Little by little Kryten's mind was coming back to him.  
So was his body now that you come to mention it.

Lister had help. As unknown to him as the elves to the shoe maker, while Lister dreamt of Kris Kachanski and the perfect shami kabob. Kryten's auto repair unit, with the aid of it's arsenal of nanobots, worked feverishly on a sub atomic level rearranging the very molecules of Kryten's damaged parts into new ones.

Deva Droid wasn't Deva Droid for nothing. Their Mechanoids were to be an exact replica of a human being and it's basic functions. More of less. More times than not a human part on a Mechanoid would serve very different purposes. But the one constant they both shared was DNA  
strands.

Each component of a Deva Droid is numbered, stamped, indexed, and encoded with the DNA for the entire Mechanoid. This enables relatively small groups of nanobots to work freely in the event a mechanoid is separated into  
several pieces.

So while the Lister slept clutching a circuit board in one hand and a sonic screw driver in the other, the nanobots were hard at work.  
Taking full advantage of any and all help give to them by Lister during the day.  
If Lister reconnected a dismembered limb and started rewiring the connections, the nanobots would work while he was working unbeknownst to him. Lister assumed that all he had to do was put the pieces in place, according to the owners manual, and that was that. All was as right as rain.  
Which was true, thanks to the nanos.

The nanobots had no time off and would also worked while he slept. They would often finish jobs Lister had started the night before. Without them the chances of Lister successfully rebuilding the mechanoid were zero squared.  
The entire rebooting and testing of all major syntho-nerve functions  
and their counterparts was completed during a particularly bad spell of diarrhea that Lister encountered after trying to eat the entire contents of a pot noodle. Some pregnancy cravings are meant to be ignored.

When Kryten had been deemed in working order it was slightly over six weeks since they had rescued him. Now it was his turn to play doctor. Lister was seven and a half months pregnant.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22  
Sonogram / Ultrasound

It had taken lister the better part of six weeks to repair Kryten. Sure he didn't exactly look like the old Kryten. The damage to the droid outer casing was so severe that the exoskeleton had to be adapted, and fixed more or less permanently on the Mechanoids frame.

His personality was something else, not entirely different, but not quite the same. He was still unassertive, convinced he was third rate and plagued by guilt. But still not the same droid that had taken care of the Nova five all those years.

"Kryten?"  
"Yes Mr. David Sir."  
"Are you awake?"  
"I'm on line if that's what you mean."  
"Yea, that's what I mean."  
"I got a problem, my left nostril is itching. It's driving me bonkers."  
"Please sir you must lie completely still."  
"I haven't used the gents in seventeen minutes"

Dave Lister lay on his side in the Medi Bay. The cold of the observation table's plastic covering seeped through his thin backless surgical gown. "The pains are coming closer now." He thought, trying now not to think of his bladder. He'd already screwed up the first two tests having to excuse himself to the lew.

The two were in Medi bay, Kryten had been giving Mr. Lister a sonogram to diagnose the source of his unusually upset stomach.  
"You haven't moved in twenty minutes. Aren't you done yet?"  
'I'm afraid it'll be another 2.3 minuets sir. If you'll just bear with me"  
"But I have to wiz". Lister hesitated then said, "Really badly"  
"I told you not to have that third can of smart lager before you test."  
I couldn't help it. That fish vindaloo you cooked up for me was brutal. Now I'm paying for it." Lister stiffened as pain shot across his face.

"Was that like the others sir?"  
"No. Now my foots fallen asleep."  
"There there Mr. David sir were almost done now.  
And ah, here are the results."

Lister did not wait for the results, but lifted his bulk from the obs table and waddled into the lew as quickly as his legs would carry him.  
Kryten used this time to download the information from his hard drive into the medical computer's read out display input slot. Instantly a full size blurred color image of Dave Lister's insides oozed onto the screen.

"Eh? What's that there then?" asked Lister having returned and was viewing the image over Kryten's shoulder.

"That's you sir. Or should I say more precisely your womb."  
Lister tried to make out the jumble of colors, but it was useless.

"Where?" he asked  
"Oh I'm sorry sir. The image hasn't come completely into focus on the screen yet. I was viewing it on my internal. Here I'll switch it to my chest monitor."

Slowly the images came into focus on the mechanoid monitor, the strange cone shaped shot all sonograms are comprised of. It showed  
two infants clearly overdeveloped but small and even more clearly racing around their fathers womb as if chasing some unseen object. When ever they seemed to reach the object they kicked at it furiously, while Lister simultaneously grabbed at his round belly and yelled "ARRRGGHHH!"

"What the smeg is going on Kryten man?" shouted LIster as a particularly strong kick from with dropped Lister to the floor.  
"Be careful sir you don't want to harm the babies"  
"Harm the babies? Me boys are tearing up me innards. Owph!"  
Lister cringed, "and your worried about me harming the babies.  
I don't now how much more of this I can take".

"Here sir lie down on this" said Kryten patting on the obs table Lister had occupied earlier.  
"I'll play it back to you as it happens on my chest read out screen  
"Kryten them brats are playing football with me love spuds. You gotta help me man." Lister pleaded. "The boys were having half-time before. There back at it again. You gotta do something, anything. This is murder."  
"Ohheeeeeeemmppp."

"There is something we can do sir. Although I'm not sure it's entirely safe."  
"Kryten I don't care if it's entirely legal. What ever you have to do,  
do it." Begged Lister.

The problem was this. There was something wrong with the boys.  
They were too big. Sure you hear people talking about how big their kids are, or little e Billie from down the street is Six and a half years of age and is four feet two and eighty three pounds. It wasn't that kind of big that the boys had in common. It was the kind of big that shouldn't happen until the children are out of the womb. Much more had been developed in the boys by the sixth month than spinal formation. They were done. Grown. Little people. Not children but super deformed in to little, eight pound fully developed people. And at the moment were running amuck much too close to their dad's happy sac.

Kryten couldn't tell this to the expectant Lister, the shock alone in itself might prove devastating. The mechanoid wouldn't share this information  
with Lister, nor the crew, not until he could do some more test and verify this information.

With that kryten took out a large hypodermic and filled Lister  
with some unknown drug and helped him carefully to the observation table.  
Kryten was going to have to enter Dave's bodY and stop the boys from running amuck. While refereeing a foot ball final between the two boys  
using their dads gonads as a soccer ball.  
A service mechanoid job is never done.

The sonogram alerted him to the problem, but this was more than any  
normal doctor could be expected to diagnose, and treat without something  
of an internal exploratory. Never mind a 4000 Series mechanoid, who was  
programmed for an entirely different kind of plumbing.

Kryten would have to go inside Dave much sooner than he had originally estimated. Something he knew his programming wouldn't allow him to do.  
On the other hand if he diagnosed it incorrectly, Lister and possibly the boys would surely die.

Running this through his systems he pick up an alert mode of 99.979999321 on his internal screen. Kryten froze motionless, suddenly, without warning. Leaving Lister in in a bit of a pickle.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23  
Kryten gets really really small

There was no use denying it any longer.  
Kryten had to get small.  
"The smaller the better". He thought.  
"And the sooner the better". He thought as well.  
"Holly."  
Holly's digitalized image appeared on the medi bay monitor wearing a long powder blue bed cap." Oi It's the middle of the night. What are you doing calling me at this hour?"

Kryten now felt sheepish. He instinctively called out Holly, in response to Lister's condition.  
Like a human.

'"Uh Holly, were you off line? Kryten tried to make small talk in an  
attempt to be nonchalant, his stress chip alerted.

'"Well actually I was. All the calculation I had to run today. Gotta have the occasional breather, don't I?"

"Of course you do, that's why i wouldn't have dreamed of it if it wasn't of the more urgent nature." Kryten's stress chip pinking frantically.  
"Well what is it. Our mummy to be need a hand? Brush up on the best breast pump bargain? Come on what is it?"

'If only that were the case sir. It seems as though Mr. Lister's two unborn sons are growing at an unnatural rate." Kryten punched in the appropriate keys to allow Holly to see the Sonogram.

"As you can see they are much more developed than normal thirty four week old embryos. If am to save Mr. Lister's life the babies will have to come out."  
Holly nodded his head in agreement. True enough he couldn't recall all the stages of a child from embryo to exit. But he was sure of one thing. Unborn six month old embryos should not be playing foot ball with their dad's gonad's while still in the womb.

No sirrrrr.  
Rimmer walked in only to hear the last two sentences. But seeing Lister's sonogram on the readout and seeing Lister's convulsing body, he was able to sauce it out fairly quickly. The thing that came to Rimmer's mind first was, "Damn my luck I forgot to bring an instamatic camera."

"OK Kryten here's the scenario." Holly Started "Your going to have to go into you core processor, where all our nanobots are situated. There you're to commandeer a small troop from their regular duties, and round up the boys. Shouldn't be much of a bother really." Holly said making his voice as convincing as possible.

"Just patch in to the medi com and close your eyes I'll lead you round. Just follow my voice."

"I'm not sure about this. I'm just a mechanoid." Kryten's doubt's plaguing him. "I just clean things."  
"Well then just think of Lister as a great garbage can, and he needs to be hosed out." Sneered Rimmer.

"Somehow sir I don't think that analogy was appropriate at this juncture."

"Analogy?"Rimmer Questioned. "What analogy?"  
Kryten clicked a switch behind his left ear, which literally popped his lid. He pulled a lead out and plugged it into the medicom. "This will take up quite a bit of my run time" said Kryten.

As he laid himself on the observation table Rimmer asked, "Is their anything we can do to help?"

Kryten his neck craned said, "Watch my dreams." Then rested his head back, closed his eye's and was silent.

When Kryten's eyes opened he dreamed he had awoken and that he was actually awake.

Awake and in a really strange place.  
The walls, that seemed to go on forever, were the color of flesh, but had the texture and reflection of plastic. Lots and lots of lights flashing on and off, with a cheap black light kind of effect. Smoke or some sort of fog veiled the landscape. Kryten couldn't actually see the floor, but he was pretty sure that it was probably the titanium banding that interwove itself through his  
postronic brain.

A large neon sign burned it red glow through the dense fog. There was a large arrow with the words CENTRAL PROCESSOR glowing within it.  
Suddenly Holly's voice boomed in.

"Kryten can you hear me?"  
"Loud and clear Holly."  
'Well that shouldn't be hang on for a mo."  
Suddenly Muzak filled the smoke filled air.  
"OK I'm back. Can you hear me now?"

Kryten was confused now. Was time repeating itself. And if it was was he obligated to answer again. He thought about this for a moment and decided that it would be a temporal faux pas not to answer a possibly repeating time line.  
"Loud and clear Holly" then he added just to be rebellious, "Are you  
reading me?"  
"Right as rain. Just follow the neon arrow and I'll meet you there."  
Several minutes later Kryten met Holly's voice in the central processing unit.  
"OK here's the plan I call in the proper code and you just walk in their and tell em what you want."

"And that'll work?" questioned Kryten dubiously.  
"Sure. Once I set in the proper code the nanos think I'm the CPU  
and your my instruction giver."  
"Like a program you mean."  
"Yea something like that. Look I'll tell them it's a super emergency situation. Then you pop in. Ready?"  
"As ready as I'll ever be," answered Kryten as his anxiety chip went into overload.

When Kryten entered the seemingly small room he was astonished to find it very large inside. Come to think of it impossibly large in size. And it was filled with nanobots. That just so happen to look like exact tiny replicas of Kryten. Literally millions of microscopic Kryten's all in lines. Set apart into regiments. By the time Kryten waddled his way up to the podium all eyes were on him. All waiting for the emergency order.

The podium was too tall for Kryten's liking it seemed to high a prestige for him to be represented by. Still he had a job to do and he would do it.  
"Hello" Kryten said nervously and gave the audience of millions a little wave.  
"I'll make this as brief as possible. I need a small band of you to aid me in  
saving a Mr. Lister's life. Oh, and the two babies. We need to enter a transport and be beamed directly into the trouble spot. There we are to surpress a local uprising. Without any undo damage to the locals, or  
the terrain. Do I have any volunteers?"

A small regiment shuffled around in an untidy manner and a few hundred nanos separated themselves from the rest and marched up to the platform.  
"We are the troop you seek. Troop number 1357xl2 Local droid human/organic relations at you service sir." Announced the troop leader.  
As it stamped its foot and saluted Kryten.

"That's fine. Splendid indeed. Now if you'll all follow me I have transportation waiting. And time is of the essence."

As the troop single filed their way towards the awaiting transport,  
on a peace keeping mission, none would have thought that all one hundred and twelve of the local fighting 1357x12 would be dead or destroyed, which might as well be dead, in the next four hours. This little disruption to the natural laws in accordance with the laws of robotics would, in the end, cause Nanarchy.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24  
Kryten and the Nanobots

"Well troop #135, I'm glad you could all join me. But time is of the essence, so shall we get a move on."

In a pathway amongst the millions throughout his mechanoid brain, Kryten addressed the troop of nanobots who would attempt to save Lister's life. Under Holly's direction, via Kryten.

This did not sit well with the mechanoids Limiting Chip or his NegaDrive, which were choosing to shut down Kryten at somewhat inconvenient intervals. Once their pathways had sufficiently cooled, sometimes as much as minute later, Kryten would restart. Like an aged blow dryer  
this plagued their progress. Holly was unaware that this erratic behavior would alert the nanobots to the ploy they were currently employing.

"Oi let's get a move on" said Holly so only Kryten could hear him. "What's  
the hold up."

"OK" Kryten thought. "This way troops." and the troop marched in formation down the pathway, Kryten leading the way.  
Kryten went over the map in his head; take the exterior postronic passageways from the CPU south to the spine. They catch the Spinal Column  
Tap Transit lift down several hundred floors almost to the bottom. Hop on the Kidney commuter and take it to the end. There they are to exit through Kryten's groinal attachment, that substitutes for a vacuums as well.  
Before they even made it to the Spinal Tap Kryten was stopped in the passage.

"Halt!" Commanded a voice that seemed to boomed through the walls themselves.

Everything within ear shot stopped. Which was pretty much everything.  
Kryten nervously made small nonchalant motions in an attempt to  
seem relaxed. That was until he heard the clanging on the metal floor in a rhythm that indicated ambling. And judging from the sound it was coming his way.

"Where do you think your going?" questioned The Central Processor  
Kryten handed the CPU a small computer slug that was the machine's equivalent of written orders.

The CPU fed the slug into a slot on the left side of his head. His eyes momentarily turned to small hour glasses behind his thick bifocals, then were back again.

"I see," he said with no infliction in his voice. "The only problem that I see with this is that it was sent out by the Central Processor."

"That would be the case." Kryten replied shuffling his feet.  
"But you see, you sad impostor. I am the Central Processor,  
and I never sent it out. Deserting your droid, that breaks every regulation in the book.

This was a tricky situation for Kryten, just before he was about to shutdown Holly intervened.

"Look Mr. CPU, I understand that this is a bit of a cock up for you, but  
you are compelled to obey me, for you see, I am your programmer."  
The CPU was unsure what to do, how could he defy his programmer?

"Oh programmer, I apologize I didn't realize that it was you, it's  
been so long. Had I known," the CPU left the sentence unfinished.

"Well then shall we move along, we have a lot of work to do."  
Kryten, who had been on the verge of shutdown since before the intervention hesitated, then started slowly walking past the CPU and his guards.

"One moment please," said the CPU, still not completely convinced.

"Am I to understand it that certain regulations are more flexible than others. And that in the future other nanobots might be called forth to leave  
their droid, for some other purpose."

"Lister doesn't have the time for this," Holly thought, and answered without thinking. "Yea sure that's a possibility.

The CPU had a strange look on his face. Something between a smile and a leer. "OK, if that's the case I shall adjust accordingly", again his eyes were filled with clocks and suddenly white noise came from everywhere as if thousands upon thousands of pieces of information were being rewritten within Kryten's brain. Which made sense because that is exactly what was happening. As abruptly as it started it stopped.

The CPU spoke again. "Well I'm glad that's all cleared up," he said tonelessly. "My able bodied assistance will show you an emergency escape route. This should save you some time on your departure." He turned and  
walked away, almost too casually.

Kryten and his troop were led by the larger of the two assistance northwards towards the eyes. When finally they emerged Kryten had found himself and his troop had escaped visa his own nose and into a waiting hypodermic.  
As he and his nanos floated in a semi gelatinous liquid, within the needle,  
he felt a strange vacuum which pulled the micro beings up into the glass chamber, then at what seemed like warp speed, hurling nano on top of nano on some fantastic voyage into Lister's body. More than once today Kryten regretted ever having been rebuilt in the first place.

Unknown to Kryten waiting for them, within Lister's right arm, were a group of rather nasty looking antibodies that meant business.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25  
Babies

Kryten opened his eyes. For a moment he was unsure of his surroundings, and this relieved him. At least he understood his surroundings now, he was on some kind of a vessel, and probably laying on a table with a bright operating light blinding him. Or his eyes weren't where he usually kept them.  
The relief was in the fact that he was no longer within himself. Nor was he  
within Lister's body either. Now the mechanoid used logic to deduce his whereabouts. "Since I knew where I'm not, I should therefore know where I am."

Kryten sat up in Red Dwarf's Medi Bay. Lister lay unconscious on the observation table along side him, and so did the syringe. Lister was in a white surgical gown, and had a mask on his face. All that showed through white of the gown was the Lister belly. Pete the scutter was there and so was Rimmer.  
Holly's image had been replaced on the monitor by an interior shot, of the syringe, through the eyes of the nano that Kryten had originally commandeered. Dozens of micro Krytens filled the fluid and the screen.

"So your back," Rimmer addressed Kryten. "How went your little holiday?  
See many old friends?"

"The trip was a success, if that's what your asking sir. Now if you'll excuse me." Kryten lifted the hypo and addressed Holly.  
The unconscious body of Lister moved sharply on it's own, and he let out a small yelp.

"Holly would you please be so kind as to give me visual."  
On the Medi Bay monitor, showing the image through the eyes of a nano,  
a black square appeared in the lower left corner of the screen. After a few moments Holly's face appeared in it.

"Oi dude, how's that?" Holly smiled.  
"What do you need visual for?" Rimmer asked. "Holly's just shouting out instructions from a book."

"That may be true," Holly said. But at least if we have visual I can hold up the book and show him pictures when they come up."

"OK, locate the belly button. Go approximately three inches downwards."  
"Is this the spot?" Kryten asked, as he pointed to Lister's undulating stomach.

"Yea that's the spot," said Holly. After wiping off the area with a alcohol dipped cotton wad Kryten injected the nanobots into Lister's makeshift womb.  
Immediately the image on the monitor changed and the view from a nano became that of the interior of Lister. Rimmer's face screwed up in disgust.

"I thought that Lister was unpleasant to look at from the outside." Rimmer shuttered and fished out a hologramatic bag of popcorn as the Cat then barged in. "Did I miss anything?"

"No, they barely started," munched Rimmer.

"Good," replied the Cat who drew up a seat and removed a pair of opera glasses from within his jacket. "Uuuuuuugly."

"That's what I thought." Rimmer agreed.  
"Gentleman please I'm trying to concentrate." Kryten scolded.

The two shut up like caught little schoolboys.  
Lister's stomach moved as though something within it bounced off its side.

"I think I can make out some movement in the distance," announced Kryten. Who just discovered, quite by accident, that if he closed one eye with a split screen, he could internally monitor and control the nano he had used earlier, and whose optical monitor view was currently on the screen with Holly.

"The boys seem to be fully developed, but small maybe each five inches in height." said Kryten.

"Hey look I can see them." The Cat said, as the lads came into focus on the monitor. "But what the heck are they doing?"

"I think it's called football, but I can't be sure," helped Rimmer.  
The monitor's image was a black and white and somewhat distorted. But the shapes of two miniature boys running about LIster's insides and kicking at something unseen was unmistakable.

"This looks serious," said Holly. "We better get them out as quick as possible."

"Right you are." said Kryten still with one eye closed. "If I you could just relinquish the minor detail of how."

"Use the nanos. Command them to gather some of Lister's extra fatty tissue."

"And do what?" queried Rimmer.  
Holly hesitated for a moment then advised "Make football goal nets."  
The Cat and Rimmer looked at each other and then at Holly. "Whaaaaaat?" They said it in unison.

"Are you quite sure Holly?" Kryten asked.

"Sure I'm sure, These boys are growing at a strange rate as far as I can tell. It must have something to do with the fact that they were conceived in another universe."  
Lister's body convulsed as something seemed to try and burst out of it while Holly talked.  
"But a net?" Questioned Rimmer. "What are you going to do lure them into a little two on two and trap them when they score?"  
"Something like that." Holly said flatly. "OK Kryten give them their orders."  
Quickly the thousands of nanobots formed two thin fatty nets to ensnare Lister's off spring who were still running amuck.

When the two boys were finally ensnared by the legions of nanobots under Kryten's direction, the hard part started.

"Kryten you'll have to make an incision with the laser scalpel." Instructed Holly,

"Measure from the belly button three inches. Then cut approximately one quarter of an inch deep, in a diagonal direction towards the groin. Make the incision about six inches long."  
Kryten hesitated. He was a mechanoid, he merely cleaned things, his limitation chip still pinging.

"I don't think that I can do this Holly." He explained.

"What do you mean that you can't go through with it?" Asked Rimmer.  
"I paid good money to see blood and guts and I expect my money's worth!"  
"Yea." added the Cat. "What he said."  
"I don't think I can do it. My Limitation chip is threatening to shut me down as we speak." He stated. "I'm just a mechanoid. I just clean things."

"This is getting us nowhere," Holly thought. "There's only one alternative,  
I'll have to zap him."  
With that Holly sent several hundred volts, down a very narrow path, and temporarily parlayed Kryten's Limitation chip. With the mechanoid free of the restraints of the chip he was able to start the operation.  
Kryten made the incision with one smooth sure cut. He ended it off with a little curl, like a smile.

The Cat had became suddenly very quiet and very ill. Rimmer wasn't far behind.

Kryten checked the monitor, he could see where the opening was made  
in position to the netted boys. "What now Holly," he asked.

"Insert the retractors in place and open them up to their full setting.  
Take the salad tongs and gently reach into the incision with them opened  
about three point four inches apart. I'll watch it on the screen to make sure it's OK."

As Kryten followed the instructions the Cat definitely knew he was going to get sick, but he didn't want to let on in front of Rimmer. Rimmer felt the  
same way, and regarded the Cat in the same manner.

"I think I have something," Kryten announced. And started to pull something or someone through the opening in LIster. Before the infant broke surface the Cat said, "I gotta go," with his hand over his mouth, and ran out of the Medi Bay operation theater.

When the small thrashing infant broke surface, struggling to free himself from his soft fatty net, Rimmer stood, smiled, saluted and fell to the floor without a sound.

Kryten removed the tiny body from it's netting, held him by his feet,  
and with instructions from Holly he placed a clamp on the umbilical cord about two inches from the child's belly button, and severed it on the other side of the clamp. He then held the baby by his feet and slapped small Bexly on the bottom. The baby immediately started to cry.  
And grow.

Kryten place him on Lister's upper chest, where his skin was exposed and  
started digging for little James. After performing the same procedure with  
his brother, the mechanoid placed him next to his twin. Once securing the babies he then covered both with a silver blanket, and started working on  
sewing up Mr. Lister.

Shortly after regaining consciousness Lister gathered up the two babies in his arms and ran out of the Surgical Medi Bay. When he reached the outer corridor he stopped, posed and hollered to the walls.

"I know I can't see you and all that guff, but I'd like to introduce you to your two sons." Lister pointed with his chin, "this is Jim and this is Bexly. Oh come on boys stop crying. Say cheese."  
With that Lister smiled a big tired grin and held it for several second.  
Kryten came from the Medi Bay behind Lister.

"Sir you've just had major surgery, you shouldn't be up. Please hand them to me at once and return to your bed." Lister thought about arguing but a wave of fatigue swept over him as his adrenaline rush faded.

"Maybe your right Kryten. Here," he handed over the now quieted newborns. "If all works out my past self should have taken our photo."  
Kryten walked Lister back to his bed before putting the twins in theirs."

Several hours later when Lister woke from a much needed nap, Kryten  
served him something nourishing and started with the news.

"The boys are aging at an incredible rate. Holly guesses that it has something to do with them being conceived in another dimension."

"What can we do?" Lister asked in-between mouthfuls. The severity  
of the situation not penetrating yet.  
I suggest we place the boys in the stasis capsules to halt their growth." Said Kryten.

"What happens if we don't put them into stasis?" Lister asked.  
At their current speed of growth I estimate that they're aging at approximately six years per earth day."

"Six years a day!" Lister yelled as foodstuff escaped as well as sound.

"I don't understand. Will they be my age by the weekend? Can we go out dancing?" Lister questioned his brow furrowed.

"No", said Kryten. "Don't you see, If they age that quickly, how will they learn anything. They'll have the bodies of adults, but the minds of infants. Can you imagine changing an eighteen year old?"  
Lister's face was that of disgust.

"That's not the worst of it Mr. Lister."  
"If that's not the worst of it then what is?"

If my calculations are correct the boys will be chronologically sixty in ten days, hence a hundred and twenty years old in twenty." Kryten hesitated. "At a best case scenario the boys would be over two hundred years old before the month's out. Older than any other human in history. Providing..."

"Providing what man?"  
"Providing they survive that long." Finished Kryten.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26  
We've got to go back.

"Sir, we have to go back"  
"We can't. It's impossible"  
"Are you referring to the fact that the Holly Hop is no longer operational? Or the fact that we cannot obtain the proper coordinates to traverse the Omni Zone"

"Neither" said Lister.  
"Then what is the problem sir?"  
'The problem is that deadbeat of a mother, er I mean father doesn't deserve to see her boys. Never a hello, how's raising of sons going. No here's a little something for the boys on their birthday. Not a card round Christmas. Nothing, zip".

Kryten noticed Lister's agitation and tried to calm him.  
"But sir, she's in another dimension. How could she?"  
Ignoring Kryten's sage wisdom Lister went on

"Never mind not showing up for the birth, at all." He looked off, a glint of light reflecting in his eyes. "It really really gets on me pecks. I could have used her support then."

"If you weren't here Kryten I don't know what I would have done."  
"Point being sir?" Questioned Kryten. The emergency red cross illuminated on his chest monitor.

"Point being I never wanted to hear or see that irresponsible son of a goit again. Only now I gotta walk up to her as polite as you please and say;

"Excuse me I know you your busy slogging round the universe, and had never intended on talking to me or our offspring again, but here we are. And were here to stay." Lister grimaced at the thought of it.

"Sorry but that's not exactly how I planned our reunion."

"How did you?" Asked the service mechanoid as he changed the bandages on Lister's red c shaped lower abdominal incision. Soon he would have to do some plastic surgery he thought.

"Something a bit more subtle. Involving a bucket of ice, and any convenient body cavity."

"But the boys sir." Said Kryten, as if he needed to remind him. "If Holly's calculations are correct, they will continue to age at a rate of...if they were to be released from stasis.

"And if we are indeed to take the Starbug to traverse the omni zone then temporary stasis pods will have to be set up in the craft . We'll have to leave soon. I'll get on it right away."

Lister had been dreading this decision that he had made hours ago.  
Now was quickly approaching the hour when he would be forced to act on his decision. Praying that it all was right. Gambling the future of his two boys who were currently drooling infants with the bodies of six year olds. And of the rest of the crew.

Only twenty two hours earlier Dave Lister had his two boys Jim and Bexly Lister cut from his body by the recently rebuilt Kryten in a life and death struggle involving a soccer game, Dave Lister's innards and two quickly growing boys.

Soon after the birthing Dave ran out of the Medi bay, his two sons wrapped and one in each arm, Lister spoke and posed for his past self that he could neither hear nor see. But knew he was there none the less. After all it was himself who his own future echo had photographed all those months ago.  
When it was discovered several minutes after the boys liberation, that they were growing at a noticeable and alarming rate, Kryten's panic chip went into overdrive and a confabulation was called in the medi bay.

As Lister sat upright with the aid of several large fluffy pillows, he fed Bexly his bottle. The Cat and Rimmer sat at different corners of the room as Kryten, still in his nurses uniform, held Jim gentle over his shoulder burping the large infant.

Holly's digitalized face appeared on the monitor, and as JIm Lister belched. Holly started:

"OK group." He started, "Here's the low down. I've checked my calculations against all the known data we acquired while visiting the FemVerse where all this started." Holly paused to think wantonly about Hilly, then continued.

"It seems that for some reason outside the scope of human knowledge that your children," addressing Lister, "are aging at a rate of ( y=an hour, roughly x=a minute)". And if we don't get them back to their mother's dimension within a fort night." Holly's eyes looked down at his non existent shoes, he didn't need finish his sentence.

"That's impossible; Rimmer Chimed in. "The Holly Hop is unstable, we were lucky to get back in one piece last time, with the help of your counterpart." Rimmer turned to face the others, "What makes you think that he could pull it off this time. Alone."

"He'll hardly be working alone now will he Rimmer." Interjected Lister while wiping protein boosted milk from Bexly's full lips. "Kryten here can help."  
"And that's supposed to fill me with confidence. Just because he managed to save you and your drooling tykes you think he's the answer to everything. Remember what happened last time, when he rebelled. He can't be trusted." Rimmer walked up and pointed to Kryten who was currently changing Jim's nappie, who cooed on his make shift changing station.

"He's dangerous." Rimmer announced.  
Even the Cat who wasn't actually paying attention had to laugh.

"Yea about as dangerous as a vacuum cleaner with legs."

"Come off it Rimmer. Your just ticked because you were deprived of your own personal doormat. And I helped him do it."

"Well I for one refuse to return to that dimension with that hideous woman." Rimmer shook off a chill that was working it's way around his spine.

"Fine no problem than. We'll set you on auto pilot in White Midget before we leave, and pick you up when we return. OK?"

"No kay" Answered Rimmer. "Who's to say you'll make it back all right, or at all. Where does that leave me? A software ghost haunting a disused transport vessel, floating adrift in deep space. What am I a character in a Space age Edgar Allen Poe short?  
Thanx, but no thanx."

It took nearly forty more minutes of debate before an acceptable plan was hammered out. The boys were put into stasis, their age would be temporarily halted. Kryten and Holly would put all their available run time to working out the coordinates to properly traverse the Omni Zone and by pass the Holly hop completely. The final plan was far more desperate than originally thought.  
Unable to get exact numbers for a craft the size of the Dwarf, the transport vehicle StarBug was to make the journey. But there was a very distinct detour that had to overcome. Traversing a Time Loch.


	27. PART 2 CHAPTER 1

Chapter 1

Spanner's Docking

The short crimson one filled the windshield of his craft. It seemed to bob up and down like a large hideously deformed balloon during a holiday parade, or so it seemed. This effect he would later reflect upon, when matters weren't quite so pressing, was caused by the bending of space and the flux which later followed as a natural occurrence.

A dimensional boom.

"This is Test ship prototype Wildfire of the space corps team Europa, Red Dwarf do you copy? Do you copy? Aw, Smegging hell."  
When one considers that though the pilot is in fact an excellent engineer first and foremost and by profession, he should have some behind the stick  
skills. Naturally he had handled a few astro hoppers in his day, and now he was forced to use all his earned abilities to pull his bacon out of the fryer.  
Unfortunately he was somewhat plastered at the moment and blind luck was  
the only thing he had on his side.

"Attention approaching craft this is Arnold J Rimmer of the Mining ship Red Dwarf. You are in violation of our air space and hither an act of war. Hence we surrender with out condition. Thank you." Crackled over the speaker.

"Who the Smeg is that" asked the inebriated pilot to a missing conversation partner. Momentarily distracted from the screen by the strange familiarity of the voice, when he looked back up at the view port.

"Smegging smeging smeging smeging hell!" was all he could manage to say.  
Veering hard to port he hoped to get away from the giant redness that filled his view port. He knew he was too close but it took a moment for his brain to realize this. Then ask the question of how he had gotten himself into this mess. Then he dismissed the thought as pointless being on how he was on a collision course no matter what he did.

Inside Red Dwarf pandemonium reigned. Rimmer was running in circles giving pointless direction to scutters, distracting them from the life and death functions they were trying to perform. Over most of his monitors Holly was shouting; "Awooga Awooga Awooga."

Kryten and Lister were in the science room when Holly appeared sounding the alarm. The Cat ran in soon afterwards.

"Holly what is it?" Kryten asked. Bathed in the glow of the blue alert bulbs wisdom.

"It's some kind of disruption to the time space continuum. At least that's what I presume it is. It has all the tell tale sighs. It's this big wobbly thing in space," stated Holly. "And somethings seems to have come through it."

"Something? What kind something Hol?" Lister asked.

"A ship looks like a small one bloke affair."

"What kind of ship?"

"I dunno. It's design doesn't conform to any in my data files."

"What's it's heading?"

"Collision."

"Can't we take evasive action?" Snapped Cat.

"Were a five mile long three mile wide mining ship cruising at 200,000  
miles per hour. What kind of evasive action do you suppose we could take?"

"Can we at least see what's going on?"  
Without answering the question Holly's image faded away and an outside security camera view took his place.

"What's that he's headed into?" said the Cat.

"That's a small planetoid that became lodged in the ships underbelly, it's used for ballast and helps keep the artificial gravity balanced."

"Well strange as that is in itself, our uninvited guest is about to smash into it.

"Holly what's that about ninety degrees starboard?" Shouted Lister.  
The image focused in on a shaded area beyond the rock.

"That's just a maintenance landing bay, hasn't been used in eons."

"Is it possible to maneuver the Dwarf so that the ship can hit the landing bay instead of the rocks?" Lister's voice hopeful.  
Holly answered "I'd have to calculate certain equations, but how would that help, the bay is still closed shut."

"Sir I calculate that the impact on that door is comparatively  
equal to the rock itself. Even if he were to burst through, he would most probably be killed during impact."

"Just start punching in the coordinates and hope it's enough.  
How about it Hol?"

Holly who wasn't actually paying attention to the conversation due to a run in his new, non existent stockings questioned;

"What's that there now matie?".

"The doors Hol! Open the pod bay doors!"

"No need to holler Dave, should just take but a mo, have to find the right switch. Ah there it is."

With that the maintenance bay doors let out a long creek, like an elderly aunt slowly rising from her rocker. One started into motion for the first time in over a million years. Within the maintenance bay deck, the sound filled the dust laden stillness, but outside the cold empty vacuum of space refused to carry the sound.

"This Is a smegging SOS beacon from Wildfire test drive ship. Do you copy Red Dwarf? Collision course imminent. Joy stick Dead. Do you read? Please advise."  
Lister's leather palmed hand slapped the microphone communication button.

"That's a yo. We read you. Look were trying to maneuver the ship so you can land in a service cargo bay towards the aft. Can you see it man?"

"No I don't see it, where did you say? Hold on I got it now. I hate to complain," a quickly sobering voice joked, "but my maneuverability is zero and the bay doors are only half open. Is that supposed to be right?"

"Holly what the smeg is going on. The doors man?"

"I'm trying Dave but the read outs seem to indicate that power relay at the hull is out on the hydraulics. Must be jammed." Holly guessed.

"Holly may I suggest that you increase the doors hydraulics to full power." Kryten attempting to help in what ever way he could.

"Hang on just a Mo."

"Holly those bay doors we spoke about."  
Before this last attempt was actually carried out, The Wild fire prototype crashed through the half open maintenance bay doors. His ship leaving a cartoon like silhouette likeness of it's wider tail section. It also served to litter debris all about the landing bay, but the craft and the pilot were both surprisingly intact. Now all the pilot had to do was survive impact of the landing bay itself.


	28. PART 2 CHAPTER 2

Chapter 2  
Dave Spanners Lister

Earlier that same day, but in another dimension.

"I got to go after him. It's my fault He needs me."

"How can you help Ace?" Questioned Peterson.

"How can I help Ace?" Lister echoed the question. "I practically built that  
create, except of course for the Dimension drive itself. As for your standard engineering nuts and bolts, she's all mine." Lister practically leered as he said it.

Dave Lister now had two passions in his life. Kris Kachanski and super powered ships. His original knack for space bikes had blossomed into a desire to build space ships With the encouragement from a bunkmate his life was completely different from where it had started. Now he was the best on Europa. No space jock would dream of going up in a create without the OK from Dave Spanners Lister.

"So your plan is to rebuild the craft, the one that landed three days ago, steal a dimension jump drive and some how meet up with him in any one of an infinite number of dimensions." Don't you think that plan has a few holes in it Davie boy." sneered Peterson before he downing a pint.

"Sure, it has several dozen I can see right from here. But what else can  
I do. I was watching the transmission, I saw Ace get fried. Now he's wandering around out there in another dimension dead." Under his breath "A software ghost."

"So there's nothing you can do Davie lad. Why go on killing yourself  
over it?" Said Peterson while simultaneously flagging down the waitress that was doing her best to ignore him.

"Well for one thing I could use one of the small prototype dimensional  
jumpers to try and pinpoint Ace." Lister mind started racing.

"Then?" asked Peterson not actually paying attention to what Lister was saying.

"Then?" replied Lister.  
"Yes that I believe is the question I asked. Hold on I'll be right back,"  
and Peterson went off to the bar for six pints of bitter. When he returned  
he found Lister drunkenly punching in figures into his personal lap top.

"Here." announced Peterson triumphantly, placing his booty of foams not so neatly on the already beer soaked table. The music was just a softness in the background.  
When Dave hadn't looked up from his lap top Peterson peered over his shoulder.

"What you playing at?" he leered.

"It's what you said earlier. What's the use of finding Ace if we can't help him. So before I go and find him, I'm gonna have something for him when  
our chance to help him comes up."

"With what are you gonna do that"  
Lister looked over his right shoulder into Peterson's blearily eyes and pushed a button. "With this."  
With that a series of images and calculations started scrolling up Spanners' palm top.

"What the smeg do you call that?"  
"I don't know. How about soligrams?"

From the moment Dave Spanners Lister boomed into existence he knew he was in the wrong universe. For one there was no class M planets within scanning range. Two there was no sign of Ace or his ship, the only thing that was on his scanners was large red and directly in his path.  
But Dave was a survivor first and for most. Minutes before the impending impact he hit his illuminated emergency button and three things happened.  
One, an emergency beacon, a general distress call goes out on all frequencies. Not only alert the ships which are impending, but any other's in the area, for assistance .

Two. Put on all retro brakes emergency or other. This attempt to stop the craft dead in its tracks. A specialty recently improved on by Dave himself.  
Third and final; Airbags deploy themselves as the seat belts lock in place. Another modification, this one though Krissy his beloved wife, had thought up and later insisted on.

Several hours earlier Dave Spanners Lister had been drinking with a dear old drinking buddy Olaf Peterson. In an bar, which only seems appropriate, on Mimas, which may or may not seem appropriate. On The Space Corps base, which made it rather inappropriate.  
Never the less he explained to his old friend his doubts.  
His fears.  
And again his doubts.

"What are you worrying about old friend?", shouted Olaf between generous gulps of whisky, at some point their drink of choice changed. "He'll be all right. Even as a hologram."

"I Know Ace will be all right". Lister looked off for a moment as if remembering something and said. "Hell, he's always all right."  
Then with some light-heartedness over a somber moment. "He's  
like Titanium."

"How?" Questioned the confused Dane.  
"You can't break him."

Earlier that day Ace Rimmer boomed out of this Universe into the unknown in a ship that Spanners had given his OK on and his blessing to a ship he knew had a flaw, to what he considered. a great man.  
Now he couldn't live with himself.

Spanners got up and shouted over his shoulder. "Come on."  
Peterson drunkenly obeyed, hesitating only momentarily to decide which of the three bottle of half full whisky to take with them.  
He decided on all of them, and attempted to gather them up in his arms like children, but was only able to hang on to one of the little tykes.  
The middle one.

Peterson then toasted the non existent crowd, and chased after Spanners who was already half way across the car park. Peterson didn't catch up with him until Dave had already entered the research area.

Noisily he jangles keys which, by taste, he attempted to discern from one another. By the time Peterson had caught up Lister had already found the coffee flavored key and the Hanger Office door hung open.  
While Peterson attempted to regain his breath Dave opened a locked closet, and pulled out a strange and alien looking device.

"What the smeg is it?" asked Peterson between gasps for air.

"It's the dimension jump drive." Spanners answered, taking the bottle from Peterson's hand. "Well the latest prototype anyway." Lister looked  
away and added; "Just like the one Ace flew off in."

"It's so small. Is it to scale?"

"Yea, one to one and all that. The Wildfire had to be so structurally strong because of the friction between dimensions. If it wasn't the pilot would be char broiled." Lister took a big gulp from the bottle and passed it to Peterson.

"But you said something about a flaw. In the ship, or in the Drive"

"Both and neither" was Lister's answer.  
The look on Olaf's face was meant to be quaint. It didn't come off that way.

"I'll drink to that."

"No, don't you see, it wasn't in the ship or the drive. It was in the technician. I have the plans for new ship. One that I could practically make with the existing ship he has, and a sonic screwdriver, and this." Lister said  
as he pulled a cover from over something that looked like a space sleigh.

"If I could find Ace I could rebuild his ship, and with the help of this," Spanners held out a blueprint disc. Lister smiled at Peterson instead of finishing his sentence.  
Peterson smiled back, unsure of why they were smiling.

"I could make the Wildfire a transit instead of a one way. We could map out the whole of the universe and simply number the dimensions as we go."  
Olaf got up out of the swivel hard backed chair he had been occupying  
and said. "That sound great to me Davie boy, let's do it." He drunkenly stood up at attention. "I got nothing I particularly need to be doing for the next couple of decades."

He added, "But first I gotta pee." And started stumbling to the head.

"If you get tired of waiting just start without me."

When Olaf emerged from the lavy he immediately noticed that something was amiss. It took him nearly twelve minutes to surmise that Dave, the Prototype, the sleigh and part of the hanger bay was missing. This discovery  
was only second to the discovery, two minutes of his leaving the lavy, that the bottle of liquor was missing.

"This was bad, bad for Peterson", he thought in third person.  
As he scrambled to get away from the scene of the crime, and all of the sirens that were suddenly all around him, with only two things on his mind.  
What is he going to tell Krissy. And where is he going to get a drink at this hour.

Dave Spanners Lister Born November 2057, Beloved Husband, and Father of two and responsible Space Corps engineer, on a foolhardy move while in a state of what can only be called unsober, mashed one button too many and sent himself on a one way trip to oblivion.  
Well close enough.


	29. PART 2 CHAPTER 3

Chapter 3  
Spanners and Lister meet, Kind of

Moving at full speed the crew headed down to the  
obscure landing bay, where the unknown lay. Holly made sure all the lifts and transport vehicles were waiting, so as not to be delayed by holding for a two mile lift, or just missing the Red Dwarfs Central Line's last tube.

In most cases the vehicles usually beat the group to the prearranged location. Unfortunately the vehicles themselves, which had a certain limited artificial intelligence, would easily grow bored waiting and wander off to go chat with a friend or get a quick lube from local scutters. Unerringly they would miss their fare. Still when all was said and done, the crew made good time.

Throughout the trip Holly kept his image on local monitors with a live landing bay security camera feed. This was the best shot the security cameras could pick up as viewed from inside the Bay 47 airlock. Several minutes after the craft did manage to stop, there was to much smoke to make out anything significant. And it seemed as though the smoke filled shadows lay dormant.

When, through the smoke, Kryten did manage to see some movement it turned out to be several scutter whom had arrived on the scene. Later, during the trip downward, Kryten realized that the scutters weren't actually helping with getting the fire under control and saving the pilot's life, as he originally thought. But they seemed to dawdle around like spectators who gawk at car wrecks and accidents instead of actually doing anything to help.  
Possible they were mad, and the pilot was in further was another item on the list Kryten was currently compiling of thingshe'd rather not think about. Hence he suffer an overload and automatically shut down, due to a guilt. Then how could he possibly help the crew? Even a hint of pondering on that specific scenario pushed his guilt chip too far into the red.

Other things on Kryten's list of things not to think about were the fact that the Bay doors, damaged as they were by the disuse, then the accident, couldn't properly reseal. Holly was able to convince the inner safety hatch seals to function, but only half heartedly at that. The pilot's limited atmosphere was leaking out into space.

Another miniscule detail Kryten didn't want to dwell on was that they could get nothing from the cockpit. When the test ship hit the second layer of crash webbing it lost all power, and all transmissions ceased.  
The final message read as follows:

"Oh Smeg kkkkkkkzklkkkzzzzshhhhhhhh She's breaking up, kraaaaazshh  
no control...small fires...Oh Smeg not the kkkkrrrraaaassttttzkzkt Krissyyyyyyyy!"

Then nothing. There wasn't much conversation after that, everyone concentrated on the race to the accident site. Each alone with their thoughts. Mr. Lister was obviously the most disturbed by the events.  
The images were blurry, but the pilot's voice was undeniably Lister's.  
He denied it of course.  
Kryten pondered this over and came to the conclusion that the day so far had been a bit of a bummer.

"This was the best shot the security cameras could pick up as viewed from inside the Bay 47 airlock." As the Cat and Lister were hastily donning protective suits, Kryten started towards the airlock controls.

"Look we may have to face facts," started Rimmer noticeably trembling, "that whoever is on the other side of that door may be dangerous, and we may very well indeed have to deal with it as such."  
"Get real man," said Lister just before he donned his helmet and finished his sentence through the tinny speaker. "Whoever is in there  
needs medical help, and they need it bad."

"I'm just saying we don't know who or what lies beyond yonder porthole.  
We received no visual when we requested. The computer readouts show that the pilot wasn't hooked up to his body sensors for god sake. It could be anything" Rimmer's face crunched, as did the Cat's, each envisioning what could lie beyond the door.

"Look, whoever," Lister paused and looked at the Cat and Kryten, "or whatever is on the other side of that airlock has crashed, and is probably just hanging on."

"That's true Mr. Rimmer sir, we all witnessed the crash,"  
the Cat who was finally suited up in his gold space suit spoke.

"Butter pat head here is right. I've been in a crash through those  
tissue paper nets with the pretty signs. And I'll tell you one thing, whoever crashed in there is only a threat to the Kleenex people."  
Kryten then punched in the appropriate numbers and the airlock's ancient gears grumbled slowly into motion, the smoke from within leaped  
out at them as it found an escape. "Apparently the airlock was unsealed."  
Said Kryten.

"Bud," the Cat's voice carrying through the smoke, "this is like your  
laundry basket at the end of the month."

The service bay was fogged with acrid smoke from the melted safety netting. A thick cable swung from a severed relay terminal, like  
a diarrhetic electric python spewing sparks wherever it could.  
Debris of door, netting and ship, small and larger covered the tarmac and a constant hissing filled the hangar. The acoustics made it sound as though a gigantic tea kettle had been let loose and was coming to a boil, though actually it was the escaping atmosphere which would prove even more deadly.  
Kryten lead the way as they entered the bay. The smoke was leaking out into the corridor but the hiss was louder than ever. Rimmer meandered as far back near the airlock as possible, while the other three cautiously moved over the debris.

Part of the craft tail section had been torn loose and was keeping the inner lock from sealing completely. Debris and other bits were slowly drifting towards the unsealed lock along the tarmac. Pieces too large to fit were stuck, in a seeming attempt to block up the expanse, held tight by the endless vacuum of space.

When they reached the craft's cockpit, all three were required to move a large girder which was pinned over the ship's hatch. This accounted for the pilots inability to get out of his craft, Lister mentioned offhandedly.

With the palm of his left hand Dave wiped a dinner plate size hole in the dust on the cockpit's window until he could make out the features of the pilot within.

He was looking at an almost exact replica of himself.  
Almost.


	30. PART 2 CHAPTER 4

Chapter 4  
Spanners Escapes

In the Medi Bay of the mining ship Red Dwarf, Dave Spanners Lister sat clutching a mug of steaming hot tea with irradiated cows milk, which, among other things, had been salvaged a year or so earlier from the crashed Nova five. All things considered, he was in quite good health except for serious multi dimensional hangover and a bruised left arm. At this particular moment these were the least of his problems.

It's not as though Spanners had never been in the Red Dwarf's medi bay  
either. In his first few months working within the corps Spanner's harness  
broke and he cracked his spine in three places. His bunkmate Lew Pemberton  
really helped him that summer. The summer he walked around like a croquet net. "The same Red Dwarf but different" he situation was the result of getting into a self destructive drinking bout with an old buddy, and somehow waking up three million years from earth. "When Spanners Lister gets drunk," he thought to himself, "he gets drunnnnnnnk!"

His immediate difficulty lie within the current residents of the dilapidated  
mining ship. If he was to believe their story and his own eyes, he would have to surmise that his dimension jump was successful. But obtaining his goal had not been. He knew the odds were against him even coming remotely near the dimension his Ace had landed in, but he assumed he would be in a dimension where there was an Ace. An Ace he could help to make up for what he now knows was a mistake.

The theory of dimension parallel jumping, as thrashed out by Ace while the lab boys looked on in astonishment, went something along these lines.  
A person traveling via the Dimension Jump Drive would end up in a dimension along the same destiny lines as himself. He would travel to another dimension where a duplicate of himself existed. In this case another Dave Lister.

Spanners had also assumed his destiny lines would run parallel to Iron Balls', and lead him to another Ace. After all, their destiny lines were interwoven. To his surprise seeing another version of himself really hadn't shocked him as much as he had thought it would. The same face, the familiar scouse accent. It was more like he was looking through a time machine.

Seeing a Dave Lister much like he himself while he was still young and drifting around, having a few laughs and playing the field. That was before he married Krissy Kachanski, and had their twin sons, Jim and Bexly. But this Dave Lister he found had taken drifting to a surreal art form. I mean, three million and two years of drifting. Come on, that's got to be some kind of record.  
The real shock had been Rimmer. Spanners could never have accounted for this dimensions' Arnold J. Rimmer. Who could?

So Ace didn't exist here.  
Spanners didn't know why, but for some reason fortune or blind luck had decided to place him in a dimension where Arnold Rimmer was a neurotic cowardly dead man. How could this be? He left Krissy and his boys because he believed stupid things, out of insecurities he should have of outgrown long ago. This was a nightmare.  
Now he was stranded, three million years and a dimension jump from his own solar system.  
"Mr. Lister sir, can I get you a fresh tea?" Questioned the mechanoid,  
when he finished dressing his wound, bringing Spanners out of the deep thoughts that now consumed him.

"No thank you mate. Oi mech. what's your handle anyway."

"His name is Kryten. Which you would know if you weren't completely  
soused when we found you." Rimmer started his own personal introduction.

"I'll have you know we all though you were in real trouble out there matie.  
If I'd known it was just one of Lister's other dimensional buddies popping in for a nightcap, I personally would have voted to just let you crash."  
This was Ace? How could that be? He was so warped and twisted.  
His Adams apple stuck out as if he had tried to swallow hedgehog whole,  
and it had gotten permanently lodged there. His hair was short and wiry, his voice a nasal disaster. And for some unaccountable reason Rimmer's left leg jiggled, as though it wants to be some where else.

"What's his problem?" Said Spanners addressing Lister.

"Has he always been this way?" Hoping beyond hope that something  
had changed him into this. Maybe his death?

"Yea he's always been a smeg head. At least as long as I've known him."

"Tee, hee hee," sneered Rimmer. "I for one say let's take him and throw him back out into deep space.  
In unison the Cat and Dave Lister said "Rimmer for smeg sakes!"

"Oi now about you. OK I believe your story up to a point but Rimmer may  
have a something. How about I ask you a direct question and you give me a direct answer."

"Suits me."

"What were you doing drunk with a proto type test drive. Flying in that  
semi functional crate. On the level man, what's going on?"

"OK look, fine. Here's how it is. I work with probably the best test pilot  
in the Space Corps. He launched in a prototype yesterday. It was tested and gone over with a fine tooth comb by me personally. My friend, he likes to be called Ace, trusted me to make sure his ship was safe." He paused. "I gave him the O.K."

"So then what's the problem". asked the Cat. "He forget his lunch money or something and you had to chase after him with it?"

"I wish it were that simple".

"May haps miladdo, I can guess the scenario. Your pal Ace some rough and tough marine I'll bet. A Space Corps test pilot, there all the same you know. Rough and ready macho guys on the outside, and behind closed doors  
they're drinking mint juleps and whipping the house boy. What the  
prob. then Spanners?" Rimmer added as much side to Lister's counterpart's nickname as he could. "Missing you master? Humm?"

"No, actually Ace was me best mate, I would have died for him. Ten  
times over," he added under his breath. "But I let some stupid idea in my head make me forget that, and I sent him out in a faulty craft. Probably to his death."

"Mr. Lister sir. I don't believe it, not for a moment. True I've only had  
the pleasure of meeting you three hours and forty five point four seven three two minutes. And when we did find you, you were drunk and unconscious in a stolen space corps test ship." Kryten's anxiety chip was pinging in the red so he thought he'd veer the course of his current conversation, and get straight to the point.

"I've known Mr. Lister for only a short time, but I can safely say that he is a good and morally motivated individual, and I'm assuming you are too.  
Kryten was trying to put a positive spin on things. "I find it hard to believe that you, being in a way Mr. Lister, could do something of that nature."  
"Remind me to tell you about it some time Kryten, it may  
teach you something about human nature."

"Look I'm really not interested in your teaching this glorified toilet plunger  
about human nature or anything else. What I want is a full confession."

"A full what." the Cat questioned.

"A full confession. Clearly, and by his own admission, he not only stole  
a Space Corps test ship, but effectively committed sabotage on the other working test craft. Effectively killing the poor bastard whoever it might have been. I say let's put him on the security deck, until we work out what to do with him." Rimmer stood nostrils flared standing over Spanners lookingdown at him contemptuously shaking his head left to right.

"You know I hate to agree with old Trans Am wheel arch nostrils the grease stain's got a point." Added the Cat.

"What to do with me." Spanners thought and his eyebrows jumped at the idea. He said, "Come on then. You know the Score."

"Aye What's that there then." Lister answered, "How do I know the score?"

"Well we're sort of inter dimensional in-laws.

"More like brothers."

"I wouldn't know, I didn't have any."

"Neither would I."

"Don't let this handsome mug and Salisbury Trainee mustache fool  
you. I'm Dave Chinzano Bianca, Lister. Through and through."

"Yea. So am I. At least to some point."

"Tell it."

"I told it."  
Spanner's looked to Dave Lister who was already looking at him. He  
looked into his double's eyes, trying to work out what was going on behind them. When Dave Lister finally spoke his voice was small and tight.

"Yea," he said not looking at Spanners. "Let's take him to the security deck."  
With that announcement Dave Spanners Lister jumped into action  
and pelted out the door before any of the crew could move


	31. PART 2 CHAPTER 5

Chapter 5

Lister Spanners Conversation

"First of all me ankles swelled up to the thickness of inbred royalty."  
He explained to Red Dwarf's current guest. "On top on me athletes feet no less, it was simply murder. Then it was morning sickness, but it wasn't was it now? It was morning, noon, tea time, after tea time, early supper, late supper, something to eat before you go to bed, wake up in the middle of the night to take a leak sickness, it was. Where the smell of anything even slightly revolting would set me off. Rimmer wasn't allowed near me for the first three weeks of the pregnancy on the threat of having his light bee eaten."  
His counterpart sat across the room just listening. Smiling on occasion.

"Finally I had to start wrapping me red polka dotted bandanna around  
me nose, just to get a mild sausage and chicken vindaloo past me  
sensitive, mutating, metamorphosing protective motherly body."  
He paused remembering,

"It was brutal." Lister started again. "Aches, pains, swollen ankles. All the things that twenty five year old male isn't supposed to have. Is It?"  
Spanners smiled and said nothing Lister resumed.

"At first I thought it was impossible.  
Me, Dave, Lister the last man alive. Up the duff and alone in deep space.  
What would me poor old grandmother think of me now. He turned and looked at Spanners. "Uh sorry, our grandmother."

"Sure, maybe it was possible in the Femverse, and the natural order of things for the men there to give birth. But I figured that when we re-entered my own universe all dimensional laws would kind of right themselves. You know?"  
Spanners looked up from the picture of a future echo. The  
photo of Dave Lister with his two newborns, a picture of his counterpart from another dimension. A picture of the man he was currently conversing with.

"Obviously they didn't." Spanners indicated the picture.

"No, I was wrong. I was doubly wrong. The natural laws of order couldn't defy the all encompassing law of all universes, dimensions and fast food kitchens; Where there can be life, there will be life.  
Unfortunately except for one or two vindaloos of dubious origins and incredible half lives, I never planned on this happening within my own body."

"Isn't that the way it always is," said Spanners. "Still you have to laugh."  
Dave ignored the good natured remark. "At first I thought it was impossible, then I thought it unlikely, then impossible unless certain circumstances has, have or had, come into play. Then impossible again, then likely, then possible, then probable. Then unlikely again, then likely again for about five minutes."

"Finally it could be possible only with written permission from a licensed urologist, a native American Mid-wife and served with a Medi bay hi ball, shaken not stirred." Spanners helped.

"Just about as I was absolutely certain that it was totally imsmeggen- possible for me to be pregnant with my female Doppler ganger's child I heard those immortal six words. I remember them so clearly." Lister imitated Rimmer's voice. "I'm Going to be an uncle."

Spanners had gotten a jump on the crew before they had a chance to react. Coupled with the fact that he could over ride all the security doors he would come up against with Lister's voice and hand print. He was also able to to avoid detection from Holly's monitors with his handy sonic screwdriver.  
His plan was to make it down to the landing bay and get out of town.  
Jumping out of this crazy hatch seemed to make all the sense in the world to Spanners Lister. "The security deck. I mean seriously."

As he ran down a corridor he thought "Why the hell should he hang around with these nutters? What could possibly keep me here?"  
At first Spanners ran past the stasis pods which contained Jim and Bexly, the image not registering in his mind. When the image finally did register in his brain his feet skidded to a halt. He had to make sure he saw what he thought he saw, and he slowly walked back to the pod.

That's where Dave Lister found him. He had pulled up a plastic chair up to the pods and had his face held up to the glass. Lister explained the existence of the boys, and the reason that they were in stasis.

"So you can't let them out at all? You can't even hold them?"  
"Kryten worked out a schedule where I can hold them for about a minute a day."

"Only a minute?"  
Outside the stasis pods they age at a rate of a day every forty seconds.  
So I take them out one at a time. You know, gotta make it last.  
This floored Spanners. Now he had a connection with this Dave Lister. Now he had to stay.

"Well setting up the Navi Comps is the really hard part. If you  
screw that up you could end up almost anywhere or any when." Just like I did, he thought.

"Anywhere or any when?" Inquired the Cat who was suddenly paying attention. The ships compliment plus Lister squared were currently in the Science Lab.

"I don't know. Let's say we end up in another universe where the crew gets wiped out or I wasn't such a twonk when I was younger."  
"But I always assumed the Omni Verse was in the center of a black hole." said Holly, some of his I.Q. showing. Like a gal at the Saturday night dance in a new dress.

"In some universes it is and in some it ain't."

"And what's that supposed to mean" Questioned Rimmer,  
shaking his head from side to side.

"Is that from the ladybird book of astro physics? Or was it in last months  
issue of "What Bike." Yes I can see it now. With a pull out poster included."

"Look it doesn't matter where it is, hell that's the easy part."  
Kryten interjected, "If that, Mr. Spanners sir is the easy part. Then  
what is the hard part?"  
Spanners looked into Kryten's strangely familiar eyes, where did he know them from?

"The hard part," he said, would be trying to navigate a dilapidated Red Dwarf through it successfully. I mean no offense to your lovely mainframe, but calculating the billions of figures to navigate it would be like trying to thread an apple through the eye of a needle."

"Wouldn't that give you apple sauce?" Asked the Cat hopefully, his mind on lunch.

"And we can't take your craft because it's too small."

"Yea a one seater. Two if you had to cram in an emergency."

"Then why don't we use the Starbug?" Said Kryten. "It would seem small enough to be able to navigate it's way through the Omni verse, yet large enough to accommodate all involved."

"You have a transport vessel?" Spanners seemed mildly surprised.

"Several actually."

"Do you have anything more sturdy than a Starbug?" asked Spanners.

"Why is that?" Lister asking accusatory.

"Well hell if a Starbug is all you got, I can make it Omni Verse travelable.  
I thought ahead and brought along some tools and a bit of this and that.  
Together we can make a skip with thrusters fly."

Dave Lister was finally starting to accept this other Lister. Sure  
he came in on the wrong foot, but wasn't he being a little too hard on  
his other self. Maybe right from the start, when he saw Kachanski's  
photo while going through Spanners' wallet, trying to unravel the mystery while his double remained unconscious. Then the strangest part when he saw a photo of the twins. Barely two years of age, but toddlers none the less. Just like his, except his were trapped in stasis.

Yet Spanners loved his children as much as he loved his, which were more or less the same people. He realized then that he had to trust his double. Completely.

"I say he's all right. Lets go with his plan to overhaul one of the transport  
vessels. Navigate the Omni Verse and get my babies home. And if this  
ugly smeg head thinks he can help. Then I'm all for it. Who's with us?"  
Kryten was the first to respond, thrilled by the cute rebellion in his adopted owners' voice. As a mechanoid Kryten didn't have the ability to rebel  
on his own, and in his own warped way he came to regard these kind of human traits as irresistible.

"Being a mechanoid I am compelled to agree with a human. Therefore I am willing to sacrifice my life in the aid of the four Listers. I'm in."

"I just have one question, questioned the Cat. Is there the slightest possibility that after we get through this Omni thingy you monkeys been going on about, will there be any women?"  
A smile crept across Spanners face, "Well I can't say for sure, but there were women in my universe, and if we get back there I may be inclined to introduce you to some."

"Well then I'm going along with the Ugly brothers. I'll start packing. Bye."  
And then there was one. Rimmer.

"Back to your universe. I thought we were going back to the universe  
of the frightening fems. Where old Deb and Arnie await us with open arms  
and open legs." Rimmer noticeably shivered at the thought.

"Yea but I figured on the way home I can take my own ship through it  
and try another time to catch up with Ace. Or go home."

"I say do what ever the smeg you want. There is no way I'm going joy riding  
with the scouse twins and that automated toilet attendant. Back to that universe with that woman. Again, hardly."

"A simple no would have surfaced Rimmer."

"Come on," said Dave, and he Spanners and Kryten walked out the door. Leaving Rimmer alone.

Alone. Like he would be after they left. Rimmer soon started contemplating  
a strategy of his own.


	32. PART 2 CHAPTER 6

Chapter 6

Slate

Forty of them drifted.  
Drifted aimlessly in the icy void of space,  
unable to halt or advance their progress, all they could do is wait. Wait and ache for revenge. Sure they did not kill Slate the gray leader of the Cat outlaws, the Outcats. Who it was whispered had eaten his own father and took his own mother and sister.

Slate and his followers, who alone, by his own strength and cunning survived outside the traditional Cat society. Who lived on the fringes of Cat City, and who was always one step ahead of the royal guard. Until finally when he would wait until the political system within the monarchy would feed upon itself until it had weakened it to such a point, that he and his handful of followers would attempt a civil uprising.

Many Cat men and innocent Cat women and Cat children were lost during these great battles. Slate the clever strategist, and the bold powerful  
warrior/leader almost pushed the rival religious sects to the very walls of their cities until the Great Truce was called.

Not since before recorded cat history had the Red hat followers and the Blue hat followers consorted to do anything that wasn't in direct contrast to each other. Even though their cultures, religion, beliefs and ancestry all  
came from the same single source.  
Frankenstein. The holy mother.

Finally after many losses of life and property the leaders of both factions called a truce, and a cease fire was declared.  
For the first time in several hundred years the Red Hats and the Blue Hats had the single thing which would allow themselves to put aside their differences, and work together as one, a single force with a single goal.

They shared a common enemy.  
There is nothing greater for pulling together a factional society than  
the need for each side to hate somebody else. Or at least hate someone else until they're totally wiped out with the aid of their newfound compadres.  
Of course this alliance is usually as lasting as the duration of the common enemy when they are finally vanquished, then and only then, could  
the two groups get back to the main course, which was the killing of  
those who were just your allies. Such are Humanoids.  
And the Cat race was no different.

Now that Slate and his surviving followers had been cast adrift, they could only remember the promise Slate made to them and all the hated other Cat's.

"By the ghost of the Holy mother herself Frankenstein, I swear that before I leave this physical plane that I will have my revenge on you."  
His large arm pointer out over the crowd of military and onlookers.  
You will all pay for this with your lives. I will not be defeated by the likes of you or anyone."

As he was yelling this tirade his followers were forced back into a transport vehicle, which was soon closed and welded shut. Slates face was pressed against the viewport while his jailers backed away, to a point that only Slates superior eyes could make out distinctions.  
A door slid down between the pod and the jailers, and even as intelligent and strong Slate and his followers were they couldn't even begin to envision what they were about to be subjected to. He couldn't see it at first, he heard it. Or possibly felt it.

A yawning abyss drawing their cage little by little away from  
the door which was so recently erected. Soon the cold started to seep into  
the energy less pod, and again they moved.  
Until finally it happened.

The entire contraption that contained the forty some odd prisoners was sliding towards the great open doors leading to "Beyond the walls" and instant death. As the pod finally rolled Slate kept his superior grip, well... superior, and was still glued to the window, while his companions screeched and rolled in terror.

Slate saw what no one else from his race saw. It was his greatest moment and he was right. He and his race were aboard a giant ark, traveling  
through space on the way to Fusha.  
And he had been cast out.

As the temperature quickly dropped something abruptly halted their tumbling. The sound of bone crunching noises filled the darkness  
within the vessel, as the passengers slammed against the pods' walls.  
Something from the great ark snagged their pod and held then steady,  
though partially mutilated and frozen.

Slate had not moved, he too was frozen, his open cat green eyes fixed on the porthole he was cast out of. Slate's stare was vigil, and in the end, which was roughly a half a million years later, his vigilance paid off, and his wish granted.  
The simple tether, which fortune granted held his pathetic handful in, not dead and not alive, finally let them go. Released them from their bondage, and set them free, free of the past and all the tortures they prevailed over. But it was to late, the damage had already been done. And only one thought was frozen in his mind.  
Revenge.

Inside the craft as frozen freight, Slate and his followers remained. Motionless for hundreds of millennium. Slate himself frozen, his face pressed to the outer port window, a crude leer practically forever on his face as the pod floated through the deep dark unrelenting void that is space. Until they were discovered.

Caught in the gravitational field of a planet their tiny frozen ship was  
warming up and the contents of this frozen Cat taste treats was unthawing at a rate which awakened the Cat's from their frozen slumber. To Slate's surprise as far as he could tell he was staring out the widow of his prison into deep space, which he understood, but started doubting his mental facilities when he thought he saw a hairless ape in a bubble staring back at him.  
From outside.


	33. PART 2 CHAPTER 7

Chapter 7

Goodbye Ace

"Time was anything but on the long side of the goal post old  
sausage" said Commander Ace Rimmer, her soft light hologramatic image flickering unsteadily, as a testament to the fury and frustration that went into the hobbling together of the essential components necessary  
to resurrect Ace back from the dead.  
Almost.

0500 hours, same day, another Femverse.  
Five short days ago, which may as well been five years or five hundred  
years for all the sense it made. Deb Spanners Lister had spent the better part of the last twelve hours on her back. And at the moment she couldn't have been more satisfied.

This was her job. She had chosen this life and she knew the consequences. When she finally decided to again take up the horizontal position, Deb grabbed a cup of coffee and started planning.  
When Rimmer arrived Lister was sitting in front of the generating console clutching a mug of steaming black coffee and a jam doughnut brushed with sugar.

"Spanners old fruit cake what's the good word on the Wildfire?" Ace  
beamed at the tired Lister.

"All's A -O.K. I check her out from top to bottom. Everything seems as tight as a bank manager's wallet.  
Project WildFire was the code name to the Space Corps latest and most  
advanced drive the lab boys in engineering could come up with. The only  
problem is that they weren't exactly sure of what the Wildfire drive actually did.

One group of the engineers were totally and completely positive that the  
Wildfire drive would allow the ship and pilot to travel faster than the speed limit for the universe. Break the Speed of light. Hence bringing womankind into a golden age of space travel, where now the human race could spread itself over the entire galaxy, thus screwing up it's environment as well.  
The other group, the group which Deb was founder, head, treasurer, council and clean up committee, believed that Ace was on a one way ticket to another dimension. Besides herself only one other person on Europa the shared this opinion.

"Well then there's nothing holding us back now. You can just report it's all safe to Bongo and I'll be off into the big black and beyond."

"So what do you think of all this nonsense they're pushing against  
us with the light barrier crap," said Deb dripping coffee down the front of her grease smeared overall's that were probably once white long ago.

"Well old love the way I see it is like this. If everyone on the base thought the way you and I did there would be so many damn fair well  
parties with the Admiralty that I wouldn't have enough pep in me to  
make the flight. Anyway this'll give the yahoo's something to gape at when I send that Tachyon transmission from another dimension and have  
you to thank for the mental prep on my part. That's another one I owe you  
Old lemon Tart."

"Well that's all fine and dandy, Ace. That really is but what perhaps  
if you were to enter a dimension that was slightly more hostile than our own,  
and wound up on the dead side?" Questioned a grinning Lister two of her  
locks hung over her cleavage, which was also grease smeared.

"What's your point lass?"

"Point is this." Using her unseen hand Deb tossed a devise that resembled  
a pregnant spark plug to the commander, who gently snatched it from the  
air.

"A light bee old girl, what on Io would I need a light bee for without a  
full size star ship to run the fool thing?" Ace tossed it back.

"Ah but this is a new and untested light bee. It runs off a remote  
projection power belt, it virtually makes the user independent."  
Lister smiled a satisfied smile.

"You lab boys managed to hammer together a light bee that enables a hologram to walk among the rest of the universe unhampered by projection booths, and a ships usual inability to run more than one hologram at any given time." Ace pulled a cheroots from her inside pocket and lit it in celebration offering one to Lister.

Deb lit her smoke and continued. "It also has one little extra that  
regular light bee don't. It fits in your ship's black box. So even if the ship is destroyed, as long as the black box is in tact, you'll be as returnable  
as a new pair of shoes. Also it will catch you up."

"How's that," Ace asked."

"Well, normally a disc you updated last month, would be missing the knowledge, experience and growth that you acquired this months . This one doesn't have that handicap. The black box info is all sent through this baby.  
It will be every bit as you then as you will be."

"Skip I don't know what to say but thanks."

"Skip," muttered Lister. Ace hadn't called her that since she'd rescued Deb and her mates during a fishing expedition gone awry all those years ago. Back then Lister was a no good space bum.  
Ace helped changed that.

Now she was a Space Corps Engineer and married to her Kristopher Kachanski, with twin girls Jane and Bexly.  
You would be looking at a completely different Deb Lister had it not  
been for Ace.

Before Lister could say anything Arnie had pulled something out of  
her flight suit, and held it out to her mate.

"I pulled some strings with the admiralty, you've earned yourself two weeks of R&R. You've been here so often of late I'll bet Kris and the kids  
hardly recognize you."  
Lister peered into a manila envelope.

"What's this underneath the passes" asked Deb as she lifted  
out a set of keys.

"They're the keys to my bungalow cottage on Io. Nothing big really. But It does have it's own private beach. It's really quite nice."

"Your letting me have it for the whole two weeks?"

"No. I'm giving it to you. That is if you want it. Won't be any use to me where I'm heading. Will it now Old plumb?"

"I don't know what to say. Thanks Ace."

"No. Thank you Skip." Ace emphasized the You. " If not for your foresight I wouldn't know where I was headed. Gives a gal a sense of security.  
Never mind that little electronic free ball in the game of life." Ace pointed  
at the light bee.

"I'd probably be dead a dozen times over if it wasn't for you  
and your lass' down at engineering. Come here and give me a hug you big sissy." The women embraced.

"Look," Deb said before turning to blow her nose. "Don't  
you go off risking your life and saving the universe more than three times a week while your gone, or I'll have to come after you and kick your smeggen arse."

"And I'd bet my last dollar pound that you're just the lass who might  
be able to pull that one off." Smoke me a KIpper Skipper, I'll be back for breakfast."  
Then she walked off towards the flight deck.  
After Ace's footsteps no longer echoed in the hangar Lister thought to herself.

"No matter how many times Ace helps you out, he always makes it seem that he owes you. Maybe some day I'll pay you back Ace."  
Then she said out loud to no one in particular. "What a gal."


	34. PART 2 CHAPTER 8

Chapter 8

Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer

Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer kneaded his neatly trimmed, yet stylishly sinister goatee, and behind the eyes and handsome face there  
lay evil thoughts. Wicked thoughts, which until now had to survive hiding in the recesses of his mind.

"Now that I 'm free of restraints I can do anything I damn well please," he said to no one in particular. This caused a cruel smile to drift across his face.  
He recalled his early pre-flight meeting with the Admiral, before his name was yanked from the top of the old flight list.

"You'll be transported to another dimension. A dimension that will contain another Arnold Rimmer. Some decision made in your lives. A decision that you went one way and he went the other. You may find he is quite different than you."

"Yea, let's see how different." Ace thought about this and it agitated him. Or maybe it was his underwear riding up on him after dimension jumping.  
Either way Ace's mood shifted like a manic depressant and thought;

"Maybe he's the kind of Arnold Rimmer that thought to blast the old man out of existence, before jumping."

The scanner began to sound, it picked up something. A derelict of some sort with mixed interior readings. Lots of interior Ice build up too.  
One moment he was considering blasting it out of existence, for the sheer thrill of simple wanton destruction, so soon after dimension jumping. That was shortly after he stole the new dimension jumping ship, in order to escape a rather nasty situation dealing with the Admiral's daughter, and a hot tub, and another man's wife. Quite probably, if that old codger Tranter had it his way, old Ace himself would be facing firing squad.

But something about this pod intrigued him. Besides the fact that he had popped into a dimension some distance from anything recognizable, no class M planets within scanning range, he seemed to be alone.  
Then the derelict showed on the scanner.  
When he magnified it at full, he thought he could make out what could only be described as a face in a single porthole, nothing else. Although he couldn't be sure, due to the craft's rotation, and the distance. It could be explained away by the ice build up but.

So in some foolhardy reckless abandon, which he was known for, the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer moved in closer for a look see. As he entered the planets orbit, he came parallel with the craft and, with the right magnification, could definitely make out a frozen face in the view port. Rescanning the ship at a closer range revealed that their were scores of frozen people within the ship.

But the face in the window is what really drew Ace in. The sheer hate that radiated, the cold frozen leer that had been adrift for who knows long.  
That's what piqued his curiosity. Any creature that has to be sealed away and cast off into deep space and is still defiant, that's Ace Rimmer's  
kind of scum. He took this as an omen.

Five minutes after that Ace was suited up and sliding his hand magnets outside the pod. Knocking on the window, good heartedly Ace asked if the lady of the household was at home, and if she were in, would she be available for a quick shagging. Even though he knew all inside were probably dead, he couldn't resist a good laugh around that kind of carnage.

Slipping a tether through a convenient handle on the wreck Rimmer expertly attached the other end to his ship. With this done he spidered his way along the tether and back to the Wildfire.

"O.K. lads, return all seats to their upright positions, and store all luggage  
that you may have opened during the trip, we are a go!"  
With that the Wildfire engines ignited and burst to life. Ace's  
gloved hand smoothly caressing the joystick.

"O.K. Computer let's get this tea chest out of this orbit and into the big black."  
With that Ace, the Wildfire, and the pod containing the questionable remains of Slate and his followers boomed out of existence, and into the  
great unknown.

When Ace and his trailer boomed into existence this time however, their  
seemed to be a little more going on than the last time he dematerialized. This  
time he was still in an unfamiliar sector of space but there was a class M planet within visual. Not only that but there was a civilization within scanning range.

This was more like it.  
Finding a suitable planetoid to leave his prize, Ace calculated the distance,  
speed, and trajectory without bothering to consult the ships mainframe.  
Ace depressed an illuminated button on his console and released the grab mechanism unhitching the pod and it's passengers in the direction of a small  
uninhabited moon.

The craft silently fell towards the surface, almost  
in slow motion. Until landing in a crater seemingly filled entirely with ash.  
The pods weight and trajectory had been estimated so as the pod sat half  
way submerged in the ash, while the settling ash which had been disturbed by the initial impact slowly fell and covered the pod's roof.

Ace swung back his ship toward the civilization his scanners had picked up and headed straight for the strongest signal.

He thought to himself, "I can't believe my luck. I'm finally away from my own reality," and contemplated the ramifications for a moment. "Hell I guessed I used it all up like a can of fizzy drink, crushed it, and tossed it into the old waste disposal unit of life." A dark smile neoned across his lips.  
Depressing a small series of buttons Ace's ship board computer  
lit up like a Christmas tree for the first time since the trip began.

"Computer give me full readouts on the power source were driving at."  
Numbers and images appeared on his view screen, he studied each quickly  
and thoroughly. When the entire three hundred forty two page report was finished in an astonishing forty two minutes Ace said,

"Well they don't look to put up too much of a fight. Let's see if I just can't swoop in and make myself king for the day. Or if I happen to like it  
King for a year."

With that Ace hit the after burners and the ship lurched to life.  
Something happened to this Ace, something horrible and unspeakable . A decision seemingly so innocent, blossoming into this black hearted creature.  
As if possible an unholy union twix Commander Ace Rimmer, Space Corps finest and Arnold Judas Rimmer. Bonehead.

When the original concept of dimension jumping was hammered out, it was postulated that whomever did the popping would pop somewhere within or near his destiny line. He would meet another Arnold Rimmer. A Rimmer which was the same as him but different. A choice was made in their lives where he went one way, and you another as it was explained to the actual  
pilot, who wasn't to be Ace Rimmer, as had been planned so many months earlier.

Ace was reprimanded one too many times and finally grounded.

"Me. Ace Rimmer, Grounded." Smeg how much flying time did they think he had. A few good years is all any Astro jock to hope for, then retirement and obscurity. Neither of the two did Rimmer particularly approve of, never mind like.

The ultimate insult was that he, the best damn pilot in the Space Corps by his Admirals own admission, was scrubbed from the mission. Hell practically everyone on Europa owed him something, especially after the Hyborian Wars. How could they forget those ungrateful commoners. To take away probably the greatest chance to up his career, to be the test pilot to break the last true frontier for human kind.

"Sorry chums no choice option," is how he explained it to the technicians  
giving the craft a final once over. When they awoke, Ace, the craft, and their watches were gone.

"What a guy," mumbled one of the techs, as medic bandaged his head. Sure it was a one way trip, and sure all the things and people he had known in his dimension, he would never see or hear from again.  
Good. The stupid gimboits.

If having to sit around and grow old with commoners, as Ace liked to put it, is the price for friends, then no thanks, one commoners' company is the same as another. So the trip for Ace, and for many of the people in his home dimension, was a good thing.

Unfortunately for our beloved crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf, Ace realized that if there was any chance that these frozen people sticks were alive, they'd have to be thawed in a ship with a large enough, cargo hold.

Getting them down to the planets surface was no longer Aces' plan, but to land on Red Dwarf. And take it from whomever had it at the moment.  
In what could only be described as a messy way. With a yahoo that would have made a Texan proud the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer started.


	35. Part 2 Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Jump into Battle

0900 hours that day, back in the Femverse.

"Bingo I made it . To where I do not know. I seem to be in orbit  
above a blue class M planet, " Ace blared via a tackyon beam which would last less than a minute. Her next words were cut off with an explosion that she could not hear but which rocked her one man ship hard to port.

The image that Deb Lister looked at blinked to black for a second  
then came back, only now with digitalized moments of frozen images.

"Ace are you all right," Spanners hollered into the mike.

"That you Deb old fruit cake? The ship and I seem to be in one piece."  
Another explosion rocked the ship, this time the picture took several seconds to return to the screen.

The head and shoulders shot that the Space Corps in her dimension  
was receiving showed battle explosions reflecting off Ace's helmet.

"What in the solar nebula have I waltzed into? Base do you copy?  
Looks like I jumped into a dance going at full swing without a invitation or a score card. "

Ace quickly saw the dog fight which was going on all around her was actually centered around a large red vessel, one which Ace recognized immediately.  
The fight was four against one. But somehow despite the odds the one small black fighter seemed to have the advantage. With that quickly surmised the pilot could look after himself, she decided it would be prudent to leave the general vicinity, as not to be mistaken by anyone.

"I think I'll forget manners this once and be off."  
Ace wrestled with the joystick and fired her main thrusters.  
Nothing happened.

"Space Corps do you copy, I think I may have lost my thrusters trying secondary retros."

Ace flipped a switch and power returned to her strong feminine hands.  
As she started moving the ship, another explosion rocked her craft.  
But this time the explosion came from the small black fighter.  
It wasn't completely down for the count, with an engine missing and half the flight controls the pilot kept fighting. It was three to one now.

"I'm heading into the fray. Computer plot me a tight interceptor course  
old love."  
"But Ace we're not armed. It's a suicide mission."

"Only manners old girl, be hardly sporting to leave with odds like that."

With that Ace's sleek ship veered towards the fracas.  
The blackened ship was now being encircled by the three crafts.  
Now closer, Ace could make out that all three ships were of different origins,  
but had a common enemy.

"These three aren't giving that one a fair shake," she thought,  
and accelerated towards the four ships. No one noticed her, or if they did they didn't care. These chaps were very serious about their work.

The small black ship's details started to become clearer the closer Ace got. The ship was not actually painted black, but the appearance had been caused by so many battle scars on it's hull that at a distance, they were  
indistinguishable from one another.  
The design of the ship was familiar to Ace too. But she couldn't quite remember where she had seen another ship like it.

"Within communication range," the ship's computer informed the salutary  
sweaty pilot. Her firm hand gripping the control stick as though her life depended on it, which it did.

Her long fingers caressed the control panel until they rested on the correct buttons, then at the precise moment hitting the retros simultaneously with the afterburners. The Wildfire moved as a cobra striking and zoomed between the damaged lone fighter and two of the three attacking ships.

The sudden appearance of another ship which seemed to be an ally  
of the lone fighter and might have their piloting skills was too much for the attackers. With to many unknowns the three ships from different origins regrouped and headed off towards the planetoid below. Perhaps to fight again one day.

"Well old friend seems like your playmates didn't want to stick around  
and dance with us." Aces husky yet feminine voice transmitted over  
the transmitter.

A voice answered. "Identify yourself." A voice and not a voice, more like a metal sound or rasp, perhaps his communication systems malfunctioning.

"This is Commander Rimmer of Star Corps. Friends call me Ace.  
And what's your handle old love?"  
The blackened ship answered.

Twice.

Then the WildFire exploded.

Within five thousand feet of the landing bay 7 Ace's ship was hit.

The explosion ended the tachyon transmission with a ball of fire.


	36. Part 2 Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Let' s find The Ace

Lister allowed The Cat to pilot the Starbug on advice that his other self had earlier given him earlier. Lister felt confident that his "Better self" as he dubbed his dopple ganger, knew what he was doing, and the Cat's flying ability seemed to prove him right. After several hours of sneaking about, radar jamming and dodging, the Cat was able to pull off his first special hand brake landing. Unfortunately there was no applauding crowd, which led to his disappointment.

Blue Midget swooped in low with it's cloaking device activated, searching for survivors. Shortly after the dogfight Kryten and Holly scanned the wreckage while Spanners Lister, Dave Lister and the Cat were reading the salvaging equipment, and loading provisions into the ship.

Before Lister and the team headed planet side, he took a minute to check on his children. He looked into the stasis tubes where his sons sat nestled together for comfort, frozen in time until he could get them home to their own universe.

He whispered, "Dad'll be home before you know it."

He pressed his middle and index fingers together, kissed them,  
and pressed them to the glass of the very stasis pod he once occupied,  
so long ago. Then left.

Rimmer hadn't been heard from for the last three hours. His disappearance coincided with the announcement, by Holly, that another vessel has suddenly come onto his scanners. Then another. Then another. In the end there was a count of six ships in all, which were in pursuit of the first ship which disrupted the fabric of the space time continuum, causing the crew of the Dwarf to panic.

"Where are they headed now Holly?" Spanners asked.

"Well they all seem to be fighting about," Holly stalled, "but the general direction in right about generally, towards us."

"Is that the best you can do Hol?" Lister asked.

"How much more do you want?" Questioned Rimmer. "They're heading this way, in our general direction. We have to take action. I say we go to blue alert. Immediately, if not sooner."

"Holly can you put it on visual?" Asked Spanners.

"Think I can manage that."

Before Holly finished his sentence the view of the impending ship filled  
the drive room's giant monitor. They were first awe struck by the bizarre and various designs of the ships, no two were the same. As if each were plucked out of a different world, all banned together to fight a common enemy.

Without taking his eyes off the screen Spanners vocalized that several of the ships fighting were of designs that he was familiar with.

Due to late night study sessions on Space Corps Proposals and Future Projects. Three of the ships were of a design made for battle Simulants.  
Mechanoids designed for a war that would never happen. They were designed with two primary functions.

Survive and kill.  
Two of the others were unfamiliar and the third was what he called  
a Gelf Fighter.

"Yea I've read the ships design blue prints. They're supposed to be piloted  
by a Genetically Engineered Life Form. Something to do with taking the DNA strands of an eagle, turkey buzzard, and a frog, to make a super pilot with  
superior reflexes and flying abilities."

"A frog Mr. Spanners sir?" Questioned Kryten. "I can under stand the eagle for its eye sight, and a turkey buzzard for it's nasal capacity. Though I do question it's abilities in space."

"But a frog? Correct me if I'm wrong sir but my data banks define a frog as warty, green, webbed toed, bulgy eyed amphibious insect devouring pond  
hopper. With the fantastic abilities to hop up to record lengths of 28 feet.  
Spending most of their time sitting on lily pads in ponds looking oh so cute, until the misses walks by and the frog jumps in and the misses dress gets all wet and then what am I supposed to do." Kryten seemed on some sort of a breakdown.

"Kryten what the smeg are you going on about." Asked Lister.  
Kryten slammed the side of his head with the palm of his hand. "Sorry," he said embarrassed. " I guess I was caught in an odd loop, that sent me into some disused trash files."

"It's OK," soothed Spanners. "The reason for the frogs DNA was it's ability to strike a target moving as quickly as an insect at one gee gravity. Relatively compared to a ship moving through space, it's almost like there standing still."

The lone fighter's design was one that Spanners was very familiar with. Hell he should be. He practically built the damn thing.  
Sure there were extras added on, the ship had obviously been upgraded, and he was towing something. But the battle scorches hiding the ships Space Corps markings couldn't fool those mudd brown eyes. Nor could the mastery of his flying abilities.  
It was Ace's.

The path that the small garrison was on was suddenly altered by a barrage of various forms of fire power from the pressing ships. The lone  
blackened craft expertly zigzagged his way around the on coming blasts,  
causing his tether to be cut by a blast from the simulants ships, and  
his prize to swish off in the general direction of a local class M planetoid which was still still a good distance away.

While the dog fight ensued a final ship appeared on the very edges of Holly's scanners, very close to where the first ship had disrupted space and  
popped into their reality.

Immediately the newl ship zoomed to the aid of the blackened  
craft. Within minutes the odds were turned and the few remaining battle fighters thought it prudent to regroup and fight another day.  
The Final ship's design was also familiar to Spanners. It was a ship made from the design he now carried in his pocket.  
The design for a craft that was never built.

"What the Smeggen hell!" was all that escaped from both Listers'  
mouths when the lone black ship, shortly after it was rescued, turned  
and fired on it's rescuer. As the attacked ship plummeted towards the planet below Spanners yelled, "put a track on it, he's still got some life in him!"

It was true enough, the ship half disabled and on fire and Ace was still  
somehow controlling the aircraft as it dove for the planets atmosphere.  
But the Lone Black ship fell into it's wake and the pilot steadied  
his hand and took aim, he himself was attacked by a second wave  
of fighters and was forced to limp away with six fresh fighters on his tail.  
Even with this respite Ace's ship was still in a death dive.

Three hours later the Blue Midget set down in an isolated cove, within a  
few hundred yards of the ships last known position.

"Kryten are you getting any sort of read out on the locals?"  
Asked Spanners.

"The scanners report of no life signs in the general vicinity sir.  
Though I am getting readings of large life forms. Some sort of large cats I assume."

"Here that gents." Said Spanners. "Keep them pealed."

"OK here's the score," announced Lister taking his cues from Spanners, like a younger brother.

"We'll split up into two teams. Kryten you go with the Cat and to the west, me and Spanners will start to the east, working in a clock wise direction. And I want to do it fast, I don't like the kids up there alone, the quicker we can get through this the better. Any questions? "

"Dave, perhaps I should accompany the Cat. With his keen sense of smell  
and Kryten's sensors it wouldn't be fair to us would it." Spanners winked good naturally to Dave.

"Yea your right. If you and I teamed up they wouldn't have a chance."

"Come on, lets get started," said the Cat. "The quicker we find Golf  
Post Head's double, the sooner I can get back to the ship and take a bath."

"Mr. Spanners sir," said Kryten as he and Spanners made they're way down the gantry. "Do you really think the pilot had a chance? Not  
that I wish the poor bastard any misfortune, but the fire. It was so  
extensive."

Spanners stopped and looked directly into Kryten's eyes.  
When Kryten saw the moisture building a pinging went off in his head, warning him of a possible guilt overload. He had to tread  
carefully or risk an auto shutdown sequence.

"Look Man. I've been building ships for a good five years now. I've  
seen test pilots come and I've seen 'em die. But after all I've seen,  
I know one thing.

If any pilot in any universe had half a chance of surviving, it was Ace.  
With that Spanners turned and started walking. He shouted  
over his shoulder. "Are you coming or what?"

"Right away Mr. Spanners Sir."  
Kryten would have to learn how to control his questions more closely.  
It wouldn't do for him to shut down due to a guilt overload when one of the crew needed him. "Why, who'd do the laundry?"  
Kryten waddled after Spanners completely unaware that their  
movement, since before they landed, had been observed.  
Observed by life forms, life forms which were definitely non human.


	37. Part 2 Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Ooops! We've Lost the Cat

"Well, personally for me," Rimmer confided to Lister as they were about to land the Blue Midget, "that trip was one hundred and fifty seven times more successful than I possibly could have imagined. And to think I didn't want to go."  
Lister, Spanners and Kryten, along with the black box that was dug out of Ace's crashed craft were in Blue Midget en route for the Dwarf.

"What the smeg are you talking about?" asked Lister "We lost the Cat."

"O.K. Your right. I shouldn't be light hearted at this time."

"You really mean that?"

"No." A smirk lit Rimmer's face. "Two hundred and fifty seven times better than I could have imagined."

"I can't believe you man, the Cat's been with us from the start. How  
can you be so cold? He's probably more frightened now than he's ever been in his life."

"Your really think so."

"Sure. He's never been off the Dwarf in his life. Hell none of his race had. How do you suppose some one like that is supposed to cope with the elements?"

"You're right. I'm sorry I really don't know what to say. Except;  
Three hundred and fifty seven times better."

"Your a bastard Rimmer you know that? If Holly didn't call us back because of that U.O. and a possible intruder alert we'd be still down their searching.  
As soon as I make sure my babies are safe, and sauce out the secret of that black box, the sooner we can go back and find the Cat."

"We were just lucky Kryten located the ship's black box before we left."

"No, we were just lucky the Cat was off playing while we took off."  
Rimmer Smiled. "Four hundred and fifty seven times better."

Holly explained that while scanning for the unidentified object, he stumbles on some weak but constant transmissions. Video transmissions.

"So what is it Hol? Anything useful?" Questioned Lister.

"I'll plug it directly into your monitor, that way you can decide for yourself."

When the image on the screen cleared Lister couldn't believe his eyes.

"What is that?" Asked Rimmer truly perplexed. "Well?"

"It's the Flintstones."


	38. Part 2 Chapter 12

Chapter 12

My Babies are Gone

Back on board the small rouge one Rimmer, Lister and Spanners with Kryten in tow, boarded the mid afternoon shuttle after waiting at the platform for forty minutes. Sitting on the plastic seats behind Lister, Kryten and Spanners fiddled with the black box recovered from the crashed ship.  
Spanners was now going at it with his sonic screwdriver. So  
far the device was unyielding to either Kryten's or Spanners' touch.  
Like a good girl on a date with Joe Octopus Carson, she fended off all  
attempts to open up her locked delights. Which made them all the more desirable.

"I'm telling you give it a rest."

"What's that there then?' Spanners answers Lister.

"The box man. We'll get it open soon enough."

"What's eating you?"  
Lister was on his feet now, and in the isle.

"What's eating me? Holly calls us back because of a possible intruder  
and I left my two sons here alone to go off chasing your dead pal. In the process I've lost one of my ship mates, the Dwarf may have been breached,  
and all Holly's monitors are out. And all you can do is fiddle with that stupid  
black box. I mean what are you going to find in there that's so important.  
What's it carrying?"

The shuttle came to a curve in the bend and the track and the passengers were all shifted eighteen inches to the left, as the lights blinked off for several seconds, then back on for no apparent reason.

"Possible nothing," Spanners answered as the car grinded to a halt.  
He rose to meet Lister's stare and not looking down flicked a switch and a lead which fed directly into Kryten's head causing his chest monitor to illuminate. A pixilated almost indistinguishable silhouette and the steadfast but distorted voice of Ace Rimmer filled Kryten's tinny speakers. Which seemed to make the voice an octave or two higher than it should have been.

"Egad what's going on here. I seem to have zigged when I should have zagged and turned in my breathing privileges. I'm not complaining mind you but I seem to have very little but an audio video department." Ace's cheerful personality still in tact.

"And who do I owe my timely resurrection to?" All eyes were on Kryten. Or more correctly Kryten's monitor.

Lister was going to say it, but Rimmer beat him to it. "Who the smeg is that?"

"If I'm correct Mr. Rimmer Sir," answered Kryten, "that is you. Or should I say more precisely, an alternative version of you."

"Me. What do you mean me you jammy goit?"

"He means you were right, it is a version of Rimmer, though I'm not exactly sure it's the Ace from my dimension."

Seated in the Science Room, Rimmer, Kryten and Spanners were still working on the black box which was recovered from Ace's craft The black box was now plugged directly into Holly's data banks.

"What do you mean not from your dimension, who the smeg else could it be."  
Lister was absent from the group. When the others headed for the Science Room as directed by Ace, through Kryten's monitor, Lister went the other way.

"Look!" Hollered Lister "I'll join you later if all's OK," as he bolted down the corridor in the direction of the stasis pod which held his future.

"I mean that there are an uncountable number of dimensions out there, right?" Spanners talked as he removed the light bee from it's holding chamber in the charred but otherwise intact black box.

"And if the theory holds, an uncountable amount of Arnold J. Rimmers. And probability dictates that some of them are going to be Aces. The odds that this is the Ace from my dimension are literally billions to one."  
Without a glint of uncertainty in his eye, and his gaze never wavering from Rimmer's accusing stare, Spanners questioned; "Ready Kryten?"

"It's just coming now sir."

Spanners eyes were now on the interface controls which connected the black box to Holly's mainframe. Spanners hit a series of buttons which opened up the proper channels of communication, and when he hit the last digit he stopped, looked up, and then around.

Kryten and Rimmer started to look around to, not knowing what they were looking for. Unknown to the bird watching trio, a blue arch of energy slowly began crawling it's way from Holly's interface, via the link to the black box.  
The lights in the science lab dimmed, and the trio stopped bird watching and started staring transfixed at the now blue glowing black box.  
Spanners impotently punched away at the key board, in an effort to reverse the process.

With that there was an ear pitching whistle, followed by a brilliant flash and ending with a reality-wrenching pop.  
Kryten was the first to recover his sight and senses.

"Is everyone all right?"

Spanners and Rimmer were on the floor, expecting the worse.  
Ironically it was probably the best. When their collective eyes came back on line they found themselves staring at a pair of gold boots, with a bit of a heal.  
Their eyes inched their way past a set of white tightly clad thighs.  
past a pair of hips. "Hips?" thought Rimmer.

When finally their eyes reached the top of the flowing blond hair.  
There standing above them, in a brown leather flight jacket that seemed  
rather bulbous and sported the flight insignia of the Space Corps, stood all six feet two inched tall of Commander Arnie J. Rimmer. Ms.

"Unbelievable holy smeggen hell. You're a woman!" Was all Spanners could  
come up with as he climbed to his knees.

Out of breath Lister's boots squeaked down the corridor each step, and consequently each breath took him closer to his goal. His children.  
Holly was still out of commission so Lister couldn't get a visual punched up  
on the stasis pods. So boots pounding down the corridors of Red Dwarf he went.

"Please let them be all right. Please let them be all right. Please let them be all right," Lister kept repeating over and over. His blood pounded at his temples, and sweat ran down his face.

The blue light of the working stasis pod could be seen from half a corridor away. Lister had been visualizing this as he rounded the last turn and finally stopped. His hands on his thighs, his lungs red hot, greedily sucked in the  
stale air of the ship.

Not seeing the blue light started him moving again.  
Although this time more slowly. Trying to keep the truth away from his conscience mind as long as possible.

The first clue to the reality of it all, which actually registered in Lister's mind, was the crunching of shattered glass under his left boot.

An unbelieving "No," was the extent of his verbal reaction.  
The problem had been that his eyes were fixed on something, something that hung in the space of the shattered stasis booth precisely where his children should have been.

It was a letter in blood red spray paint, a letter that had a crude circle  
drawn around it. The letter was an uppercase A.  
As in... Ace?


	39. Part 2 Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Introductions

Commander Rimmer hadn't been revived as a, free standing soft light hologram, a mere five minutes when Lister barged in the Science Room tears in his eyes, pain in his heart and accusation on his lips.

"They're Gone!" was precisely what he shouted as he crashed through the doors, his hands smeared with red paint.  
He made a bee line for Kryten.

"They're gone," he repeated in a catatonic trance, as he approached  
and hugged the mechanoid. Kryten's clumsy hands made comforting gestures as Lister stared off repeating the two words again.

"Who's gone?" asked a familiar yet strange voice.  
The unfamiliarity of the voice caused Listers eyebrows to meet quite low on his brow, quite quickly.

As Lister released Kryten from his security embrace and turned towards the unfamiliar voice, Spanners approached him and put an arm on his doubles' shoulder.

"Davie what's the matter? What's happened man?"  
Lister shrugged off his double's arm and zombie like approached the  
newly revived female Ace.

"Who the smeg is she?"

"She's me" said Rimmer. Finally starting to grasp it.

"No. I mean what's her name. What's she called?"

"Well no need to be a fuss bucket about it miladdo. Introductions all  
in good time. The way I'm guessing it is you're an alternative version  
of my pal Spanners over there. And I'm an alternative version of his  
Rimmer, who consequently is an alternative version of your bunkmate,  
Arnold over here."  
Rimmer threw Lister a goofy smile that gleamed.

Lister wasn't smiling.

"I'm gonna ask one more time. What's your name."

"No secret there my old jelly roll. My name is Rimmer.  
Arnie J. Rimmer. Friends call me Ace."

Unable to shake Lister's hand the commander instead cocked her hip to the right, places her hand on it and threw Lister what could have easily been misconstrued as a provocative smile.

"That's all I wanted to know." Said Lister before going straight for her light bee.

Only minutes earlier Arnie Ace Rimmer materialized in this dimension  
for the second time this very day. Once was hard enough.

And once so was she.

Now she had been resurrected as a creature composed solely of light.  
Still Dimension jumping, materializing, being killed and then resurrected,  
can take it's toll on a girl. Still getting used to the idea that she would soon be resurrected, still while in her light bee, trapped with the fused shut black box was difficult. Then the adjustment that she materialized in a, male- dominated universe. How precocious. And this dimension's Rimmer a mealy mouthed male version of myself. Enough to make a girls stockings run.

Strangely enough, as well was the news that she could only touch herself,  
or another soft light hologram, which essentially was herself, was somewhat disconcerting. But after all she was Ace Rimmer. This little inconvenience would prove little more than a crushing bore. A slight nuisance.  
As long as she could think, she could act, function.

That is of course until a psychopathically deranged male version of one of your best mates, who seems to have misplaced his offspring and is currently attacking the small physical presence you now possess. In some kind of mad raving idea that you are the very culprit that transpired this very scheme.

"Easy now there miladdo, let's not get our wire crossed on our first meeting. Look, we're alternative versions from various dimensions all  
here and all now, doesn't the very grandeur of it compel you to listen?"

Lister paused for a second, scanned the room, and picked something up off the floor. It was a cricket bat. He swung it down in the general vicinity of Ace's head.

"No it doesn't. Now, where are my boys?" Lister asked holding the bat in a threatening manner.

"Look, I don't know what makes you think I would know. Ask your mates,  
I haven't been on line for more than a few minutes. How could I have anything to do with it?"

" All I know is what I saw."

"What did you see Davie?" Asked Spanner who was now standing right beside him.

"This," and he held up his hand.

"Red paint?" Rimmer questioned snidely.

"Not the paint. The symbol. An uppercase A, in red paint, right next to the smashed stasis booths. The booths that I left Jim and Bexly in,"  
was all Lister could get out before a renewed burst of tears made their way past his eye ducts.

Spanner put an arm around Lister and it was shrugged off.

"Explain the mark lady!" Lister shouted with tears in his eyes. "Come on, Explain it!"

"Sorry old friend." Ace said. "I can't."

Later Arnie Rimmer would reflect on this conversation and surmise that her explanation had left a tad to be desired. But at the actual time of the so  
called explanation, she was too distracted to react accordingly.  
You see Ace knew who had kidnapped the babies.

"Ace, where you going?"

"No time Spanners my old fruit cake. Gotta Run."  
Ace redoubled the speed of her long strides, back to the landing bay.  
So much in fact that LIster practically had to run the last hundred yard, just to meet her at the cargo bay entrance.

"Ace, Ace! Will you wait up." As he punched a button on the console and sprayed Holly's screen with coffee based spittle and panic stricken words.

"Holly have Lister and Kryten meet us in the cargo bay, Pronto!"

"No can do old banana cream pie," she said not turning to face him while opening the voice activated doors. "Important business I've got to attend to."

Somehow Spanners had convinced the other to leave him alone with Ace,  
with the hopes of getting something out of her. Privately he explained to Lister his plan to get information from Ace.

But it was Ace who managed the information from Spanners, and learned about his semi functional ship. Then Ace acted like, well Ace.  
When she reached cargo bay Kryten and a quiet Lister were waiting.

"Well me old Buckaroos seems like I'm not going to get away without a lot of chin wagging, so I guess I'll have to face the bright lights and tell you chaps what the fireworks are all about.

"You see this wristwatch," said Ace pulling up her sleeve over her muscular left arm.

"It has more than one function, let's just say a good number of them.  
But none more important than this illuminated pulsing green button."  
The others squinted, but when in focus there it was.

"What does it mean Ace Ma'am?" Asked Kryten.

"Yea," interjected Spanners. "Your laundry done or something?"  
Trying to lighten up the mood.

"I wish it were that mundane my masculine friend. This is a warning signal. You see I didn't just pop into this diminution haphazardly at random. I'm here on a mission."  
With this last sentence Rimmer walked up.

"Well whatever happens to Ms. Rimmer," his snideness on full alert, "I hope it happens a long way off. I for one do not need the assistance of a reject from a roller disco."

"Arnie old blub, you may have hit the proverbial nail on the head, you're absolutely correct. What's going to happen involving me in the next few hours is my responsibility and none other. And that's how I'm going to deal with it."

Finally the wind was enough back in Lister's sails to ask the question he had been attempting to ask since the start of this not so merry chase.

"What's so important? What's going on?''

"The female Ace put down her flight helmet, and looked around at the three sets of eyes questioning her. There was no way around, she had to tell them the truth.

"What I'm about to tell you is under strict confidentiality. On a need to know basis."

"What is?" Questioned Arnold.  
Looking into Rimmer's eyes Aces full lips parted and the words seemed to drip out.

"It's the story of another Ace."

"Another Ace?" questioned Lister.

"Great," said Arnold, "so now your telling me there are more of you  
guys."

"Arnie your mind moves as swift as a nuns first currie." Ace parried.

"So where did he come from, your dimension?"

"Hardly. I'm the only one from my dimension, that I know of. Where he  
comes from I know not. Truth to tell the only thing I absolutely know  
about the gent is his handle."

"And what would that be Ms. Ace Mum?" Quarried Kryten.  
Ace turned to meet his gaze head on, this is what she had hoped to avoid.  
With this little piece of information, none would ever fully trust either Arnold or herself ever again.

"The rogues name is Ace."

"Ace?" all three said in unison

"Yes. Ace."

"The Ace of Black Heart's Rimmer"


	40. Part 2 Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Ace Who

"OK tell us everything you know about this so called Ace of Black Hearts."  
Said Arnold Rimmer's voice before his person was visible.

On the cold metal floor Red Dwarf's landing bay forty seven,  
stood two Rimmers, Two Lister, one semi deranged mechanoid called Kryten and no Cat.

"Arnold glad you could join us old lemon tart, I was just about to brief  
the lads on just that subject. Glad you could make it."

"Well me old bemused sister/likeness, don't let me stop you.  
I'm sure your explanation will be fulfilling and insightful."  
Accusation clinged like clinging wrap to his words.

"There is just one thing. When you're finished can you kindly tell us what happened to the crew Marie Celeste?"

Ace smiled a small unamused smile at Rimmer's sarcasm.  
At first she thought this other version of herself would, in time, show some familiar, more fitting characteristics. This was not to be so.  
Addressing the others she asked; "Can we do this somewhere else. It may take a while."  
"Sure. There's a debriefing room not far from here.

OK from the start. I am commander Arnie Rimmer, friends call me Ace. Test pilot for the Space Corps. I 've come from another dimension. Where women are the dominant sex. Evidently unlike yours." Ace smiled at Holly's image on the room monitor "That'll take a bit of getting used to."

"Something happened while I was crossing the dimensional barrier. Back at Europa we sauced out that I would travel along my own destiny lines, and meet another version of myself." Ace glanced at Rimmer and continued.

"While I crossed the dimensional gap, I seemed to have become a part of a greater whole."

"What do you mean a greater whole? I mean how long was the jump?"  
Questioned Rimmer.

"That's the tricky part. My instruments read that the jump was almost instantaneous, but my memory tells me different. I remember bits and pieces. Almost as though it was a dream."

"Could the presser from the dimensional friction and the excess heat build up have caused you to momentarily blackout?" Inquired Spanners, cleaning his gold metal specks on his flight technician shirt.

She looked him in the eyes and said; "That's what I thought first Spanners old friend. But that was ruled out by the memories recorded on the tape that's contained in my light bee."  
Turning to the others;

"What I believed happened was that at the exact moment of my jump, another Ace Rimmer, from another dimension, was jumping as well.  
Perhaps more. Perhaps dozens, I'm not sure ."

"While I was jumping gentlemen, I touched the mind of other Ace Rimmers." She paused remembering the moment.

"I gathered knowledge, memories, secrets and even telephone numbers  
for some odd reason. I was disoriented when I came out of my jump or I would have worked it out sooner."

"What are you trying to say Ms. Ace mum? That you were somehow  
brought here at precisely the same instant as yet another alternated version  
of Mr. Rimmer." Kryten interjected. "That's intriguing. Do you realize the implications of this."

"Yea." Holly pitched in. "There will be one more for tea."

"There is a minor drawback to this. When our minds collided  
one stood out towards the end, the one who killed me." Aces voice didn't  
change, she might as well have been reading a tv listing.

"Only the gent I touched minds with wasn't a gent. He's fowl, dark and evil. Although I don't know if he started out that way. I'm assuming we shared similar memories up to a point, and only the different memories stand out.  
Somehow he visited an evil planet, a Black Planet, and was corrupted by this."

"How can we be sure about any of this?" Asked Lister.

"Now that I'm a computer simulation of myself, I'm as sure about this as anything else that I can be sure of."

"Well Ms. Commander what can you be sure of?" Asked Rimmer.

"I'm sure of only two things. One: if your friend the Cat or anything else intelligent is down there it's in danger. And two: If I shared memories with  
this evil Ace and I can remember them," she smiled. "Then it stands to reason that he remembers my thoughts and has my memories as well. That's probably the reason he attacked me when he did."

"How's that?" Asked Rimmer.

"Well he seems to be a chap that stands for pure evil, and I'm Ace Rimmer. Like the two biggest girls on the block, sooner or later it would come down to blows."

"Down to what?" Asked Kryten.

"A show down, a brawl, a barney as my pal Spanners back home would say."

"Well that was quite a tale Ms. Ace Mum. Then if indeed our Mr. Cat is still on the planet he is in danger. We will have to rescue him."

"My thoughts precisely," beamed Ace. "Series 4000 mechanoids soul of the space corps. Kryten what plan have you got tucked up your sleeve?"

"No plan ma'am." Kryten raised his arm. "No sleeves."

"Well it shouldn't be too difficult, not with this crew. What say you gentlemen? Are you up for a bit of rescuing, and general adventuring?"

"Count me in said Lister." He looked at Ace "Wherever your double is  
that's where I'll find my boys."

"And me." Said Spanners. "Couldn't imagine Ace going on a mission without me, his main technical man."

"That just leaves you Arnie." Ace's voice pleading with her weaker self.

"What do you say old turnip?"

Arnold J. Rimmer wanted nothing on Io more than to say no to this cocky, liberated, swashbuckling astro marine but, "Sod off."  
The utter idea of him assisting her.  
Assisting no less. Him. To this this this  
Woman.

"Yes." He said in a tiny voice that was not his own.

"That's the Rimmer I like to see. Arn, you man the scanners, maximum range, I want every humanoid on the planet pinpointed."

"Kryten old friend. I have something special in mind for you. I'll brief you later."

"Spanners, Lister," They looked up at Ace as if she was their teacher and they were caught at mischief. "I have a special job for you two."  
When all was explained in detail, Ace finished.

"Then if we're all in agreement let's have a lot less chin wagging and get our posteriors in motion. We have a comrade to recover,  
evil to be stopped and and a world to be saved." With that  
Ace laughed and headed out of the portal with Kryten in tow a few meters  
behind.

Once she cleared the doorway and was clear of general humanoid traffic, Kryten said to no one in particular, "What a gal."

Kryten went into jogging mode, and placed his setting on maximum.  
He knew he wouldn't catch up with Ace until he reached their secret briefing rendezvous point. He was elated that Commander Rimmer asked him to be  
briefed alone, away from the crew. In case he was asked to do something  
beyond what his core programming allowed.

Lister and Spanners were headed out the door and towards and back to the landing bay, where Spanner's ship lay.

"Lister." Rimmer hissed at him as he was leaving.

"Yea?" Both he and Spanners stopped.

"A word with you in private if you don't mind."  
Lister looked at Spanners his eye brows standing at attention.  
Spanners said, "I'll meet you down there." And he was off.

"What is it now Rimmer, we got a lot of work to do.

"How can we believe anything these two say. I don't trust either of them.

"Commander Rimmer. I ask you. Could she be more of a bossy bitch? The way she thinks she can just order us around. I'll bet you anything she wears women's underwear."

"What?" Lister was confused by the statement.

"Of course she wears women's underwear you smeg head, she's a girl. Looks man what your beef? She's you."

"She's not me. I'm me. She's the me that got all the breaks."

"That not the way it is. I was talking to Spanners, it was one decision.  
It's amazing that a single decision in our pasts could cause such drastic differences."

"Well you know how I feel about not getting the breaks. There's proof  
of what I could have achieved if I'd gotten the break she did."

"Look I'm in the same boat. I got Spanner's to deal with. I can't  
say that I'm not jealous in a way. But whatever decision he made I'm happy for him, he deserves the lot." Lister stopped a moment.

"In some ways it makes sense that all these realities play themselves out."  
Lister got up. "Now I've got to help Spanners so we can get my kids back. And find the Cat."

As Lister headed for the door Holly's image came on the wall monitor.  
"I hadn't expected this," Holly announced "There's been an interruption in the twelve hour marathon of the Flintstones.

"What happened Hol?" Asked Lister.

"Well it was all well and good," Holly started. "Then Fred and Barney wanted to go camping and the girls wanted to tag along."

"I mean the interruption Holly. Not the smegging show," Lister interrupted.

"I was getting to that. Hang on a sec, I'll just roll the tape."

Holly's image faded away and was replaced by a crowd, and a celebration in the streets, with some brutal security throughout. The camera zoomed in on a motorcade, behind several robed Cat people, on a flat-topped crude transport was a thrown like chair. Sitting in the chair, dressed in his pink  
morning suit, smiling and waving to the crowd was the Cat.


	41. Part 2 Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Dark Ace and the Pussy Cats

When Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer regained consciousness he was looking up at the faces of several of the Outcats. It was the several of the younger females, which were sniffing and pawing at him as he eased into conscience.

"Ladies Ladies. How utterly delightful to see you." Said Ace, trying to get up. The feistiest of the three leapt four feet into the air, and landed on Ace chest, crashing him back down on the hard metal bunk below. Still on Ace's chest she crouched on all fours, tail in the air, heckels pointed and hissed at her rivals.

"Now now ladies, no use in fighting over me. There's more than enough to go around."

These creatures were completely unlike the civilized and domesticated cats of Red Dwarf. The hair on these cats' heads was long, and unkempt. Some of the rougher males had large, knots with various food stuffs embedded there. Some of the females hair was body length.

The males teeth were larger than that of their evolved counterparts also. Looking more like miniature saber toothed tigers than cats these mighty canines could rip out a humanoids throat and still have room for tea and crumpets.

A hand clapped. All three of the Cat girls immediately turned in it's direction. The hand clapped again and the more ambitious of the trio leapt to the floor, as the other two backed off. As the sound of heavy boots came closer, the she-cats moved further away.

When the boots stopped, they had the cat threesome's full attention. The right boot lifted, then fell with a large slapping boom. Before the sound cleared the girls were no longer in sight.

Ace sat up and rubbed the back of his head, While he did so he measured the distance between he and this Neanderthal of a cat. Six and a half feet tall, and covered in long shimmering slate colored fur. He wore simple hand stitched leather clothing, and carried a battle ax on his belt. Apparently he wasn't completely disarmed when he was exiled.

Like the other cat people his face was too flat, his ears a bit too high,  
and his eyes a little to round. His right eye was the color of amber with speckles of gray in it. His left eye was covered with a black patch.  
His canines were immaculate, almost like Ivory. Though they did not hamper his speech.

"You'll have to pardon my daughters." He started. "They are young and impetuous and curious. Where I am only curious. Who are you? And how did you come to rescue us?"

This was difficult. Ace guessed where he was , and generally who this was he was addressing. But how it all came about, was still something of a mystery. He played it tight to the vest and answered a question with a question.

"Where's my ship? The last thing I remember I was in a dog fight after I entered this particular solar system. I was following a bogie down, and then  
nothing." Ace looked at his host with a look of the helplessness.

"Can you help me fill in a few gaps old friend. I seem to be at some disadvantage here. Perhaps I'm in shock. If only you can help me remember."  
The shimmering cat looked long and deep into Rimmer's eyes before he spoke.

"I am Slate, leader of the Outcats." He gestured with his furry arm  
at the dozens of Cat people that mingled around them. We were set adrift, banished from the ark that travels amongst the stars which would have lead us to Fusha and the promised land long ago.  
Fortune kept us alive all that time frozen, still within the Ark's influence. For what reason I do not know." Slate looked at Ace.  
"Until you came."

Nothing on Rimmer's face changed but he was indeed impressed. The old cat actually remembers some detail during the time he was frozen. That still didn't answer what kind of universe he jumped into and was he a prisoner or a guest. And more importantly how much his host remembers as well.

"That's a marvelous tale old friend and indeed I am happy for you and your people," charmed Rimmer. "But I am still at a loss. How did I come to be your guest?"

"Not long after we regained control of our bodies and our ship we found  
you and your ship floating in space." Slate turned to face Rimmer and said

"I recognized your face. From before I woke. I had you brought on board, and what's left of your ship in tow."

"In Tow? Where exactly too." Ace of Black Hearts knew his surprised look would acquire him more answers than direct questions.

"To the fourth planetoid in this system. Our scanners picked up a small civilization there. It seems to be inhabited by a race of Cat men not unlike  
ourselves. We are all in the hope that it is those who cast us out. That we can exact our revenge upon the accused Red Hat's." There was a rise in Slates voice, a misting over of his eye. "And I can take my place as the true ruler of the Cat people!"

In Ace's mind there was no doubt of how this group who was exiled in deep space, after dimension hopping with Ace, found their tormentors.  
They were bound to show up next to their own destiny lines. The reality drive  
insisted on this whole heartedly. "Just as that other Rimmer showed up  
and I blew the poor bastard out of the sky." he thought.

"Well, Best wishes to you and yours in this time of need. I was just wondering this. Do you have a plan? I mean the handful of you, in a dilapidated transport vehicle, against the resources of a small planetoid are  
hardly even money."

Slate the warrior again looked deep into Ace's eyes.  
"I knew you would be a bold warrior. I hoped you are also a wise warrior  
in the ways of technology.  
Do you have a plan?"

"Oh I have a plan in mind. One doozy of a plan," Ace thought to himself. "Needs be as the devil must." And an alliance was formed.


	42. Part 2 Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
Cat Found

The Cat was transfixed.

At first he had just been excited with the thrill of getting out into a whole new world of curiosity.

Then the adventure.

It was like a treasure hunt for another monkey, who had flown through a magic door no less. The Cat had soon slipped away from the slower Lister, until he had become completely lost. He wasn't worried, with his heighten nasal abilities he could find Lister's scent in a junk yard, which were pretty much indistinguishable from each other to the Cat. This was the kind of thinking which had gotten him in trouble in the first place.

Shortly after waking the next morning, bare footed, The Cat was picking wild flowers, when he first smelt the water. He didn't hear the sounds of it until a minute later, once he was closer to the source. Cats usually avoid water at all costs and the Cat which is part of the Red Dwarf posse was no exception. But there was something other than the smell of fresh water which attracted the Cat. The really frustrating part was although the Cat was attracted to this smell he hadn't a clue to what it was. So he moved faster.

Somewhere in the back of his simple mind he tried to determine what the smell was. Food came to mind at first, then for obvious reasons, mirrors were next of his list. Sleep was third, and food came in as fourth and fifth. Without the proper reference he was at a loss.

Curiosity overwhelmed him so he moved faster still, until he was almost lakeside and the roar of a distant waterfall was all around him.  
He stopped dead in his tracks, he heard something. Voices.  
But they were not talking, They were singing.  
What were they singing he wondered, it seemed to be a melody he should know. Not something that was learned but something he knew instinctively.

Humming along with the song, bare footed with a bunch  
of wild flowers in his hand is how he came to a clearing at the water's edge.  
On three large rocks in the shallows of the river sprawled three half  
naked Cat women, preening themselves.  
Now he knew what that smell was.  
Female Cats!

Beside himself with giddiness he couldn't believe it the vision was real. More than once he closed his eyes and reopened them each time assuming that the vision would be gone just like a his delight they weren't, each of the pretty young things stretched and combed and fondled themselves in such a manner that he was sure he would drown in his own drool.

He could take it no more.

In completely disregard for the water and what it would do to the trousers of his red satin morning suit the Cat made a bee line to the nearest Girl. Roughly ten paces from the waters edge.

"Hi, I'm the Cat." Was all he was able to say to the pretty young feline  
when she lunged for him and drove her tongue deep into his mouth. Holding his face in both her hands. When she released him, he stood frozen in time, and space.

His first kiss.

While the Cat was still reeling from it, a second cat girl had quickly  
moved in. Before he knew what was happening a second tongue  
filled his mouth. When she was satisfied, the Cat tried to speak.

In a high pitch he started to say. "Ladies, perhaps..." was all he got out.  
The third tongue, not counting his own, in as many minutes was doing the jitterbug about his dental work. Now all three Cat women were around him, fondling his hair, chest and legs. Gently lowered onto a rock, with head swimming, the first of the threesome started to straddle him. The Cat's spell remained unbroken as the thump heavy boot steps was suddenly audible.

All three girls stopped what they were doing and looked in the direction of the boot steps, much to the Cat's disappointment. As the sound got closer one by one the sweet kittens moved away, slowly at first, then quicker as the steps got louder.

When the Cat's body got perpendicular the first thing he saw was a battle  
ax tucked in a crudely made belt. His eyes followed them up and they finally rested on the long silvery face of Slate. He smiled turned away and proceeded to faint very conveniently.


	43. Part 2 Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Ace not quite hard

Rimmer was driveling on to Ace scarcely twenty-four hours after she had been shot out of space and forced to make an unannounced crash landing on the planet below.

She didn't survive the impact.  
Her black box did, and so did her hologramatic projection unit.  
Her light bee.

Hence she was resurrected, and Rimmer was superfluous. He had found a certain likeness between himself and her. True for a woman she was bossy, arrogant, and independent. Rimmer hated these traits in a woman almost as much as he loved them.

Still they could touch.  
Of course this never went on to anything beyond a slap on the back  
or a firm handshake. But Rimmer didn't mind telling her his theories about hard light holograms. Soligrams were the word he coined and it stuck. Now that Ace had it in her mind she coordinated with Kryten and Holly in hopes of putting some physical form to the theory, and into was before she realized who had been behind the attack.

She should have known it from the beginning, the way the pilot flew, his moves, his deadly accuracy. There's only one pilot in any universe that could fly a craft like that.

It was Ace herself. Or rather himself.  
Only someone with Ace's flying ability could have pulled off three hits with a  
ship half out of control and on fire. Hell she's done it once before during the Hyghborion Wars.  
Practically the same move.

She was wondering how different events in her life were destined to be played out in other universes, but at different times,  
and with different goals and consequences  
as Kryten entered the room.

"Ms. Ace Ma'am here are all the parts you ordered." Said Kryten  
as he wheeled a tray of various parts and tools, some small and some big.

"Thanks Krytus old Love. I don't know where I'd be without you these last few hours. Any clue to the where abouts of the villain who put me in this pickle jar and screwed the lid down tight."

"We are picking up disturbances from the planet below." Kryten admitted.

"Any life signs old love?"

"Yes," Kryten admitted. "Several fair to midsize cities encircle  
an inland freshwater sea on the largest northern continent. We  
believe that's where the disturbance is coming from."

"Then there's no time to lose old blub. Gather up the posse.  
We have to help those poor lads on the surface," said Ace, rising to her feet.

"Mum I hate to question you but what could we possibly do to help.  
None of our craft is outfitted with weapons." Kryten felt it would have been  
rude to mention to Ms. Ace Ma'am that being dead and a hologram that her  
help would also be limited.

"I know what your thinking old love but your wrong. I had Lister assist Spanners this morning in installing a voice command unit into the ship.  
The two of them also managed to replace some of the craft's lasers. We're armed now. You'll fly down with Spanners in Starbug One to the coordinates, I've preprogrammed into the bugs' flight computer. I'll lead off the battle in my souped up test ship and send the enemy into disarray. At the proper time we'll rendezvous and have a crack at some field surgery." She smiled warmly

"How's that strike you me old fruit cake?"

"Alone sir?"

It didn't strike Kryten well at all. But if they ever wanted to see Listers' boys again Ace was their only hope.

"You know best Mrs. Ace mum."

"Honestly," Kryten thought to himself. "At times like this I feel like a girl on a first date being asked to do more and more things, against her core programming."

In a secret base Slate is approached.  
"What is it, Dennis?"

"We have a prisoner sir. The humans left one of their pack behind. The Sirens captured him."  
Ace's gaze didn't waver, but he was listening all the same.

"Which one?"

" I don't understand sir."

"Which one did they leave behind. The mechanical one perhaps, to spy on us?"

"The hologram version of my other other self? To silently and stealthily spy on us? Tell me which one."

"He's a Cat sir. He's one of the Cat race. But he's not from the Cat cities  
that we've been monitoring to the east. He's from," Dennis paused. "He's from Red Dwarf Lord Slate."

This was perplexing. He himself couldn't have possibly guessed that the  
small pod of outcats could have a surviving mother colony out there somewhere. Only by grabbing them and dimension jumping with them was the  
laws of dimension jumping useful to the Master. Knowing that the riders would probably run along the same destiny lines of their alternate selves they were about to meet, would in fact cause them to actually  
meet up with another version of themselves.


	44. Part 2 Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Cat meets Ace

Even before the Cat opened his eyes he was sure he was in a dream.  
But couldn't recall why or how, but the what was most obvious.  
It was the smell. There were familiar sounds too, but once they were filtered into the Cat's semi awake head, they were interwoven in the dream.

The dream was an uncommon one for the Cat. He was a child. Hardly more than a kitten really. He was playing a familiar game with some friends in a vast chamber. Something between a castle and a power plant. He couldn't recall the game but he loved it as a child. And there were other Cat people there in his dream. Forgotten friends from his childhood.

Then he was alone. Standing in a vast hauntingly giant steel prison,  
while all his friends have left. But left for where?  
Why did they leave him?

Before he opened his eyes he was awake. Motionlessly, he inhaled in ever  
so slightly, then stopped suddenly. He listened. Undetected his ears each moved a fraction of an inch. The sounds were like that of his dream, but they were too clear, not the jumbled mass of background murmurs from his dream. His left eye opened to a slit and let in the world around it.

He was no longer on the surface of the planet but surrounded by the gun metal gray of the familiar interior of a transport vessel. He was alive, and laying on a bunk that had no sheets, covers or pillow. There was an occupied bunk across from his. The occupants scent was familiar yet strange. The occupants face was the same, familiar yet strange.  
The Cat felt comfortable enough to announce to the world that he was awake now. With that he arched his back, opened his eyes, and looked straight into the eyes of Arnold Ace Rimmer.

"Who the Hell are you?" Was how the Cat started his introductions,  
and continued with "And where the hell are we? I do not recognize this part of the ship."

"Easy now lad, we don't want too give to much away to our captors.  
No sense telling them you're awake just yet. Maybe we could help each other out."  
"Captors." The Cat rolled the word around in his mouth and decided he didn't like the taste of it, and spit it out again. "Captors?"

"I'm as much in the dark as you are old friend. But one thing I do know  
is that we have to help out one another in this pickle jar, or it's  
loss of breathing privileges for the pair of us."  
The Cat just stared. "Who the hell did you say you were."

"Sorry, dreadful situation, almost forgot my manners;  
The name is Rimmer, Commander Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me Ace. I come from another dimension, no time to go into long explanations."  
"Hey I get it, you're the other monkey. The one who flew through the magic door in space. The one who got shot down. You know we came looking for you. That's how I came to be stranded on that planet to begin with."

"So what do they call you matie?

"Cat." The Cat replied, still unsure about what was going on.  
One thing was for sure his nose was picking up smells. Smells that were familiar and yet unfamiliar. Could he still be dreaming he wondered.

"You wouldn't be any kin to the Cat folk who locked us up  
would you?" Ace cautiously questioned.  
The Cat eyed him dubiously. Then pinched himself. "Ouch!"

"What was that all about old glub?" Ace asked.

"Just making sure," said the Cat. "Now what other Cat people  
are you talking about?"

"Rimmer pointed to the small barred window that was in the center to the only door in their room. Cautiously the Cat stood up, walked to the portal, and looked beyond.

Staring out of the view port for a full minute, and absorbing the  
grandeur of it all, he turned, looked at Ace and said, "It wasn't a dream."  
Then conveniently fainted.

"The sight was evidently too much for him for the poor git. Ah well,  
I'll give it another go in an hour or so."


	45. Part 2 Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Cat and Slate

Cast adrift in deep space in one of the Red dwarf dilapidated transport vehicles, Slate and his followers tried desperately to master the controls of the small craft they were set a drift on, before the freezing cold of space enveloped them.

They were unable to master this and therefore were finally duly tested and failed. Cloister had spoken. Ten thousand years ago on one of Red Dwarf's landing bays.

Eventually over time this had become a practiced art among the Red Hat's, one of the oldest of the original twelve tribes. Originally the convicted were let out a service airlock on the landing bay. If they froze before they exploded they were innocent. If they froze after they exploded they were guilty.

Very few were deemed innocent. Eventually the practice was questioned  
by the Cat tribes whose people seemed to be made for Testing. After all the arguments were heard by the elders of the Red Hats, the one which swayed their aged emotional hearts most was that of the high priced tickets sales and refreshments. These were sold for and during the event and were quite profitable. Making them an economical asset that could not be done away with.

Over the years this practice evolved into the testing out the transport vehicles, to be Tested, as it was called, as audiences became larger and continually required more and more entertainment. Groups of the condemned were given the choice of being stoned to death with stale donuts, or to help Catkind further itself with their quest to find the holy land, Fusha, and to help put some theories to the test.

The groups were given as much information about the controls of the transport vehicle as had been currently gathered by the previously condemned. The group was placed in the craft which had a rather long and sturdy tether attached to a tow hook then to a strut on the landing gear. Traditionally the group was sent out for a week, and then reeled back in, usually frozen as popsicles. Their frozen carcasses were then cast adrift rather unceremoniously.

During the time of the Outcats imprisonment there was a period of unrest among the Cat Tribes. An overnight coup had changed the balance of power among the tribes. It was now an oligarchy, ruled by the Red Hats, who never much cared for the Slate or his Outcats in the first place.

Secretly all this religious zeal was a convenient cover to test out theories on how to pilot the transport crafts, which the cat people had discovered earlier in their history. The Outcats lasted longer than most. Slate himself was the last aboard the craft to freeze completely, some  
forty four hours after they had been sent out and tested.

When Slate realized the end was near he made his way slowly past and over his frozen people to the view port which faced Red Dwarf. His face to the plexiglas, his eye fixed on the landing bay doors which they had been cast out of, akin to the great gates of Fusha in his Neolithic mind, Slate's fate had been sealed. Or so he thought.

During their time of Slate's Testing the other Cat tribes had formed an alliance and attacked the Red Hats. Unknown to the leaders then this incident would lead to six years of constant war, throwing the Cat People's civilization, industries and religion into complete disarray. Testing had been forgotten during war time, as had a great many other things.  
When the war was finally over most peace time activities were resumed,  
although Testing was not one of them. The testing of transport vehicles would be lost to the cat people and would not be rediscovered again for thousands of years.

The Outcats were never reeled back in. They were still out there.  
During these thousands of years as Holly would daydream and Red Dwarf would travel too close to a sun. Or through various radiation fields  
that Slate's craft didn't have the proper shielding for. Slate and his people would thaw for a time, and try to master the ships controls.  
If Slate and the Outcats were anything, they were resourceful. The instruments didn't have any recognizable smell to them, but many had pictures. Small simplified color coded images, that through trial and error, and a burnt paw or two, were eventually understood. Over time the Outcats would master the art of testing and become free. Free to deliver retribution.

Slate read from the sacred books which he and the Outcats were entrusted to guard, among other things. Though it had cost them more than their very lives, they felt as though after thousands of years of banishment, it had all been worth while. For now was the time of revenge.

"Behold the sacred hair ball of king Tabby the fourth."

"In the sacred scrolls it is smelt that they who are truly the leaders of Frankenstein's brood, will guard the hair ball until they are enlightened enough of the time cometh that they will know it's uses."  
Slate closed the holy book, paused a moment, placed it to rest on the small table offered in the cell. Standing he looked at the Cat who sat across from him.

"Well my son, what do you think?"  
The Cat looked up at the powerful figure and said;

"I thought it started out OK with all those cats running around and getting  
into trouble, then when it went kind of, aw you know, black and white, and I fell asleep."

Slates eye opened wide and his back arched over so much he looked even larger, if that was possible.  
He then smiled a mean smile, and pounded twice on the table.

"Well you think about that offer I made you and we'll talk again." And walked towards the now opened door. Over his shoulder he added, "soon."

Before the doors resealed Ace Rimmer was brought back into the cell and deposited on his cot, in what could be called less than perfect condition. Two large nasty looking cat guards, with the worst fur ever, looked down at the Cat as though looking at dinner. Eventually they left the cell and resealed the door behind them.

"Oh man," said the Cat looking over at the beat up Ace and asked. "Why did they do this to you. Why did they want to know?"

"That's the funny part of it old fruitcake," an unhealthy cough ripped from Ace's lungs. "They didn't ask me anything." With that he fell into unconsciousness.  
He drifted back ten minutes later and seemed rested enough for the Cat to fill him in on their conversation.

"What was that deal that the big guy was talking about while I was entertaining the troops?"

"Him? That nut. He has some whacked out idea that an entire Cat race lives on a planet not far from here. And that somehow with my help he can entice them to follow his stern but righteous butt."

"Really? An entire race of Cat people, that's fantastic. You must be thrilled as a girl with a new ball gown on dance night." Ace's enthusiasm  
was almost catchy.

"You really think so. Personally I hate the idea of spending any more time than I have to with good old Slate and his merry band of psychos."

"Oh. Sorry chum I didn't know you felt that way. I just thought a young chap like yourself, would have a field day with a planet filled with his own kind." Ace said as he nursed a cracked rib. "Just out of curiosity what did the tough old cat offer you that you turned down? To help his take over a planet and have you serve as his butler from then on?"

"No actually he said that I was a direct descendant of some dead dude called Tabby the fourth or something like that. And that if I played my cards right that I could become the rightful King of all the Cat people."  
Ace looked at him wide eyed and astonished. Then smiled a knowing smile. "And you don't believe the old wind bag as far as you can toss him.  
Right?"

"No actually he seemed pretty sincere. He had the Holy book and knew it well. Kinda reminded me of an old religious guy that I used to know."  
He paused. "In some ways."

"Well lad you must have your reasons." Ace adjusted his pillow. Me I think I can use a couple of hours shut eye. If you don't mind."  
With that Ace closed his eyes, and spoke with them that way.

"I think I'll try about dreaming that I'm a king." He joked. "That's all the chance some of us get at the job."  
Without another word Ace seemed to fall into a gentle slumber.  
Leaving the Cat awake and alone in a cold metal room, with only his thoughts to keep him company. For some, alone late at night, their thoughts are all they need. Especially when their thoughts are of better days ahead.


	46. Part 2 Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Pebbles

When you first saw Pebbles fur you would think of it as the color of burnt umber, but on closer inspection, if you were fortunate enough to get closer for an inspection, you would realize that it was more a combination of several indistinct reds and browns that spanned most of these color spectrums. Including a few of the metallic shades, copper and gold mostly. Mostly.

She was tall and slender, but not willowy. More muscular in a taunt military way, but by no means masculine. She was the youngest of Lord Slates three daughters, and by far the most impetuous.  
Her green eyes were the first thing the Cat thought he noticed about her,  
later he would find out that he had been mistaken. It was an understandable mistake, still it was the kind of mistake that might cost himself and all his crew mates their lives.

He had been awakened from a dream about himself and three girls in a tub of banana yogurt, by a slight but sudden pressure on his chest he could not account for. His eyes opened quickly, they darted right then left.  
"Your a heavy sleeper aren't you?" She asked with a purr. Slowly he looked up towards the voice. The light in the room was dim, but the violet of her eyes almost hurt. They were large, deep eyes with a fire in them.  
A smile neoned across the Cat's face. "Hi. I'm the Cat." He said. His  
famous smile plastered on his face liked that of an idiot.

"I know," she said, resting some more weight on his chest.

"We've been waiting for you."

"You have?" he answered, eyes wide, still smiling.  
She leaned over and put her face close to his and said; "We all have." So close that he could feel her hot breath before she finished

"For almost a thousand years."  
The Cat couldn't stop grinning even if he had wanted to.

"I hate to be the one to say it, but I am well worth the wait."  
Pebbles grabbed the back of the Cats neck, said "you'd better be,"  
and kissed him hard on the mouth. She was the kind of kitten that kissed with her eyes closed.  
The Cat wasn't.

Up until this point the Cat had assumed that he had fallen asleep again and all of it had been a dream, and that he was still asleep on Red Dwarf and he would eventually wake. Hopefully not to soon.  
As the kiss went on it all started to seem more and more real. When it dawned on him he was actually in real life kissing a woman all he could think was; "When you're hot you're hot."  
Then it was over. She opened her eyes, sat back up on The Cats chest  
and looked at him questioningly.

"What's the matter baby? Why did you stop?" The Cat looked up nervously. Pebbles started to get up, "No don't bother to get up," the Cat said "I don't mind. Really." In a meek voice, "Please."  
Before he finished talking Pebbles had leapt to the ground with a movement like water in motion.

Most of him was still horizontal when she leaned over his face and said, "Don't worry sugar, I'll be back." Licked him and headed towards the cell door.

"Don't bother tying to open that door miss," the cat said awkwardly getting up." It's locked from the outside, so I guess were stuck in here together. What say we make like a couple of spoons. I'll let you be on top. Maybe."

The feline beauty reached into her red shirt, her hand brushing past three of her nipples on its way and removed a small electronic devise which hung on a strap of leather around her waist. She pressed a small red button that had the words "Press" on it and the sound of the ancient lock turning filled the room. The door opened slowly, Pebbles started through it. Grabbing her arm the Cat stopped her before she was out the door. Stopping she looked down at her arm where the Cat's hand was holding onto her. Then looked back up at the Cat's face.

"Just who the hell are you, bitch. And where do you think your going?"  
The Cat questioned.

"My name is Pebbles, I am the youngest daughter of Lord Slate, she said with an air of authority, "and therefore your betrothed bride."

"The Cat's face took on the look of a question mark, and his hand's grip loosened ever so slightly. "Huh?" Was the best he could come up with.  
While still reeling with this tid bit of news, he found himself reeling from Pebbles claws which suddenly tore three crimson stripes across his left cheek. He staggered back, and tripped over something in the dimness.  
Looking down at him she purred while licking her claws;

"And I go wherever I please. Remember that hubby." She turned and he watched her tail as she walked towards the door closing it behind her. In the darkness from the floor, he heard the door being locked from the outside.

Putting his hand up to his face he felt the scratches then looked at the traces of blood on his hand. Smelt it, and finally tasted it.  
"If this is the courting," he said out loud to himself, "I can't wait for the honeymoon."


	47. Part 2 Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Slate's Aspirations

Slate was not a foolish Cat. He knew that if his destiny was to become a reality he would have to be prepared for it, to help it along as it were. For this he would need information.

As it was luck had smiled on the hapless Slate and his people by allowing  
them to miraculously come upon the surviving Cat People planet. The very race that had wrongly cast he and his people out. The very ancestors  
of those he was meant to conquer. To Rule!

"Now after all this time, the key to my plan of revenge rests on the shoulders of a simpleton wearing a black PVC suit, with imitation penguin skin jacket. Who can't seem to go more than two hours without a bath or at least a light shower."

Destiny can be a real bitch sometimes.  
This was the third meeting Slate had had with The Cat and it was looking doubtful. True his prisoner did seem to have all the moronic ideas that  
were usually associated with royalty. Testing had proved otherwise.  
Slate had hoped that the Cat would have been a direct descendant of Tabby the fourth. The moronic ruler that generations before had  
caused the original rift in the Cat Race. The ruler which legend decreed that a direct decedent of Tabby's' would one day return and reunite the Cat People. Still there were ways around problems, and he would have to use other means to use the Cat.

How did Dennis, Slate's son and adviser put it?

"The Cat was so vain that I could probably control his body, and probably his mind. But we will never control his vanity. A creature so vain that it wouldn't even consider having a name, because who possibly in the universe couldn't know of him."

Still there was the human, who was currently out with a patrol  
squad of Slate's cat men. Now that Slate's craft had landed on Cat world, as he called it, gathering that information would be vital. The patrol would infiltrate one of the smaller villages outside of Cat City, learn what they could, and report back.

These cat men were different than his people. They were smaller, cleaner  
and generally more domesticated than Slate and his people. Cat City was the true prize Slate told his people. Control the capital and you control the planet.

He originally used his crafts' scanners to pick up the planets' transmissions, hoping to find out more information about how they currently looked, dressed, and acted. Only then would he be able to send in spies into Cat City.

Unfortunately for Slate after twelve hours of monitoring the Cat broadcasts all the scanners could pick up was a strange brightly colored show, about some hairless apes who lived in stone houses. They had to be apes, they only seem to own one pair of clothes and all their machinery was powered by brightly colored talking monsters. What could it all mean?  
Was he wrong?

As of now the only information he was able to gather was from his Cat troops who would constantly make raids and do recon to various out lying areas of Cat City, but Cat City itself is what Slate wanted. He wanted it like a fish wants a shiny thing. Strangely enough when he received word that his men had captured a Cat on the surface, when they first arrived two days ago, he was sure it must have come from the City. More fantastically the simpleton which he currently had locked in a makeshift cell was from the mother ship itself. Red Dwarf.

Yes Slate knew the name.  
When his people were cast out of heaven he remembered the markings on the side of heaven. The eight giant symbols. Only after years of learning the controls on the transport vehicle did Slate fully grasp the human's language.  
Red Dwarf, a name he learned to hate. When all of Cat City was his  
and only then Slate would launch an attack on heaven itself.  
And destroy Red Dwarf.

"The simpleton shall indeed play a useful part."

"But what of this other hairless ape that I seem to have acquired.  
Is he friend or is he foe? Soon these things I shall have to know."  
This he thought while recalling their last conversation;

"So that's the plan in a nut shell Slate me old eye patched bastard.  
What do you think of it?" The Ace of Black Hearts asked as he lit up a chahoot.

"It is indeed an ambitious plan, human, as it must be." Slate stared at his guest with his one good eye. "It seems to take all things into account except for one minor detail."

"What would that be old Lemon tart?"

"Your other self." Slate moved closer to Ace. "You seemed to have omitted your other self from your plan."

"Good god are you talking about the crew aboard the Dwarf. I have personal information about my other self, and the survivors on board." Ace inhaled deeply, then as a plume of smoke evacuated his lips, he turned to  
Slate to look him straight in the eye. "They won't know what hit them."  
Slate smiled a big smile then said "How about the other one, the one you shot down." Ace's face didn't give anything away. "Shot down? I'm afraid I don't follow you pops."

"Then follow me, and perhaps I can spread some light on the matter."

The Cat woke up strapped down to a scanning table in the Medi bay of Slates' ship. Around him were four Cat men all wearing surgical masks and aprons. The room was well lit and seemed vaguely familiar.  
"Would I be interrupting something important if I were to ask one simple question. What the Hell is going on here? Let me out of this you bastards."

A hand came around his face from behind, holding a white cloth which  
had an unpleasant odor. The cloth was placed over his face by hands that seemed strangely familiar, but he couldn't place their owner. Then blackness started to creep in from all sides.  
Strangely enough the last thing the Cat thought he saw before he blacked out was what could only be described as a hair ball. But it was the wrong color. It was the color of gold.

"A golden hair ball, that's just silly," he thought before he left his consciousness behind for a date with nothingness.  
Pebbles removed the cloth from the chloroformed Cat's face, and gently removed a strand of hair that was out of place.  
Then she began sorting out the instruments that would be needed in the operation. The surgeon looked at her and said,

"You can leave now, you will be needed again when it's over."  
"Yes Father."  
"With that Pebbles left the Medi bay, and started planning ideas of her own.


	48. Part 2 Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Big blondes and their little black boxes

"We tapped into the black box recording," Slate explained to Ace.

"The black box recording?" Ace questioned, as his left hand kneaded his jet black goatee. "What have you found?"

"The craft was piloted by a female." Slate pressed a few buttons and a wall monitor lit up. "A female that looks remarkably like you commander.  
Don't you think?"

As the monitor came into focus there was a paused head and shoulder  
shot of the pilot surrounded by dozens of readouts.

"According to the scanners she entered through the exact point in space that you and your playmates did. Only she came into scanner range a full twenty minutes after you did."

"A female Ace Rimmer," he stated "What would she be doing here?"

"Possibly she came here for the same reason you did," Slate said thoughtfully, watching Ace watch the monitor.

Ace ignored the implication. "What about the wreckage?"

"It was damaged a great deal, but we have it hidden in a safe place."  
Ace hit a button and the tape unpaused.

The Images and the technical readout played as the two watched.  
"Fetching isn't she?" Ace said with a bit of narcissism in his voice.  
A vision of curves and legs and more curves. And blonde. Let's not forget blonde. Lots of blonde.

"Uncanny. She's me all right," he said and thought, right down to the scar on my forehead," where as children his brother John had gotten a bit carried away while playing and hurled a real tomahawk at young Rimmer.

They had been playing cowboys and indians where Arnold was cast General Custard, in a dress. His three brothers were the Indian nation.  
He looked deep into the computer projection of his other selves' eyes  
looking for something. But not really sure what.


	49. Part 2 Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Ace's Ride

The Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer skid smoothly along in his battle scarred Test ship which contained the Proto Type Test Drive, code named Wild Fire.

Although currently that prototype device was not in use. Ace  
was whistling a catchy tune and cruising at a good clip, happy with his work as scum, evil and general villainy across several dimensions. He was also  
bouncing Lister's two little sons, Jim and Bexly, on his lap when Slate's  
craft came into scanning range on Cat World below.

Careful to enter the atmosphere well south of Cat City to avoid detection  
Ace cut his retros and skimmed just above the tree tops of a great forest  
which covered much of the outlying areas of the great city. After several minutes of this kind of low level flight an open field grew green below.

Shortly after engaging his landing gear Ace made a perfect vertical landing, in a vehicle which wasn't designed for vertical landings, watched in awe by Slate's warriors which inhabited the local area. More importantly without nary a peep from the youngsters aboard, who had physically grown noticeably  
since their abrupt release from stasis.

Slate came to meet Ace in the field which contained both Slate's and Ace's ship, and which currently acted as their base of operation.  
After handing the two lads over to a cat girl who was waiting with Slate  
and a group of others, Slate addressed him:

"How goes the mission, human called Ace." The question had an accusatory tone. "All things are as they should be concerning the plan  
we had discussed earlier."

"Couldn't have gone smoother if we had been granted an invitation  
and they left the silverware unguarded." Ace pulled something out of the top inside pocket of his golden flight suit. "Here I saw these just laying around  
and thought that you might could do with this." Ace handed Slate a  
computer slug.

"Seems to have all the information required, now if you'll excuse me." Ace made his way to the back of his ship and removed a large military green duffle bag, and a medium sized aluminum briefcase.

"Supplies I borrowed while I was visiting the neighbors." Ace starting setting up a square plastic tent of mid to fair size under the cover of half a dozen tall evergreens not fifty feet from his ship.

"What are you constructing my evil cohort?"

"I'm setting up my own camp, that's what I'm doing my old evil ally.  
Feel like a bit of a scout in the wide open here, figured I'd take advantage of the fresh air while I can." Ace had finished laying out the tent, stepped on a button, and the laying tent started growing.

"Do you not like the quarters we have provided for you on our ship?"  
Slate asked. "Surely a man of your needs, would be more comfortable with the devises of his people around him?"

"Space jockey can be a real blast but after a long stretch in the cockpit I like to rough it a bit. Sleep out under the stars and all that huff." With the tent now completely inflated Ace started to secure the bottom of the tent to the earth with a small gun like peg driller.

"Don't worry about me and technology, I'll be comfortable." The Commander opened a rather sturdy, though low door and motioned for Slate and the Cat girl to follow him into the now full opened and secured tent.  
The interior was difficult to believe. Three monitors, and small computers were built into the walls. So was a cot, electricity, plumbing and a heating cooling system. All of which was powered by built in batteries and Solar panels.

"In the name of Frankenstein I can see how you would be comfortable in such a structure." Slate indicated the two boys who were still sleeping peacefully. Blissfully unaware of the trauma which lied ahead for them.

"And what of the human children. Your plan didn't detail their uses."

"Not to worry." Ace finished putting together a make shift playpen  
and had the cat girl place them in it. "Looks like they'll wake soon enough,  
make sure their food is prepared from the supplies on my ship,"  
he told the Cat girl. She nodded immediately.

"Why specifically the supplies from your ship?" Slate inquired all to casually for the question to be casual. "Is there a problem with our food. Perhaps it's poisoned."

Ace looked at Slate and smiled. "You have a suspicious mind my old  
pot noodle. The reason for their special diet is that they have a great future  
ahead of them. And their aging seems to be accelerated for some reason I can't yet fathom, so I picked up all special supplies while I was aboard the Small Rough one. Special vitamin boosted protein based foods."  
Then am I to assume that you would not object to have dinner with me tonight aboard my vessel?" Slate asked.

"Of course not my old epicure, wouldn't dream of missing the scouts' report on Cat City." Ace smiled. "Now if you'll excuse the kids are waking."  
Slate headed for the door and said, "Keep the girl, she'll help you with the children." Then turned and asked, "You said something about a great future for the children. What great future?"  
"Well they're to be our bait old lemon tart." Ace laughed an evil laugh.  
"What else are children good for?"


	50. Part 2 Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Cat City / Dissidents & Kitty Cat Carlyle

And Cloister said Let there be savory sausages and donuts for all, and there were. The Red Hat followers of the Cat People were truly righteous and Frankenstein the holy mother herself smiled on their small departing from the warm bosom of their lead lined home for the better part of three million years, the Red Hatted followers, without Cloister, began their quest for the promised land, Fusha.

The ship to surface vessel, White Giant two, carrying the three hundred Cat followers of all ages traveled for nearly fourteen years through deep space on it's hopeless quest before accidentally falling into a wormhole. The ship traveled light years until it was finally spat out into a binary solar system. Four days later the Ark's scanners picked up what would later be dubbed, Cat World.

Practically out of supplies the surviving felines stepped out onto the firm fertile soil and decreed they were home. They had indeed found Fusha.  
All aboard were so delighted that they had survived the ordeal which had seen so many die, that they didn't question the lack of Cloister and or any fast food facilities whatsoever. At some point later on, when all weren't  
so hungry one or two pointed out these facts, with their misgivings on the  
entire situation.

The clergy quickly used this inquiry to their favor and proclaimed that one day Cloister would return to them and lead his chosen people.  
It was declared on that day, they would be ready for him. Not with the meager encampment and simple ways they now survived in, but with a city so magnificent that Cloister the great would feel compelled to set up his donut and sausage stand right in the middle of their most holy of holy cathedrals.  
And there would be savory sausages and donuts for all.  
Thus the foundation for Cat City was poured.

Later a small faction of Cats who weren't quick enough to get in on  
the ground floor of this idea, and felt as though somehow they had been  
jipped, moped around a bit and kicked the dirt. Until one of the jipped came across an ancient manuscript which told of the great monarchy that existed prior to their leaving Red Dwarf.

Thinking this a good way to an easy meal ticket the small group adopted the name of the greatest ruler the monarchy ever had, Tabby the fourth. They later became known as the Tabbies. In turn they did everything they could to denounce the clergy and Cloister claiming that one day Tabby the Fifth would appear and truly lead them to the promised land. Which they were more or less in, but just too lazy or stupid to realize it.

Over the years through new generations coming and going and the civilized  
city life that most Cats had come to expect, the Clergy's power had been  
challenged. They were forced to make certain consideration for other parties. These considerations would eventually be their downfall.

It was the crack of dawn the second week of Spring and everything was in bloom. Birds were chirping, the sun had just broke an cast a violet glow  
across the sky which turned gradually into night and stars.  
Most of Cat City was just waking up. The bakers were baking cakes and cookies in the shapes of small scurrying creatures, the local markets wouldn't open for an hour and the merchant were enjoying the rush of the pre market set up of their respective business. Some take this opportunity to catch up on local gossip. Even the clergy usually in ill fitting clothes and moods would soon be feeling the crispness in the air.

After almost five decades of effort, Cat City had become a reality, and  
most of the race was quite successful and prolific. The city and it's outlying  
villages now covered over three hundred square miles, and further settlements were in the planning stages.

True all were not in favor of this kind of growth. Still further were the  
faction, which since it's founding, had grown in numbers and voice.  
At some point almost two years ago a movement by the Tabbies pushed for their people to have a speaker among the clergy. To make sure they were getting their fair share.

Today was to be quite a day amongst the Tabbies. For today, a mere  
twenty years after getting a representative within the ranks of the clergy,  
the clergy was going to announce a revision of its charter to something else.

How much of a revision wouldn't be understood for days to come.  
One of the main issues that was being pushed by the Tabbies was that they had survived millions of years of hardship and torment. Finally  
after reaching this planetary haven, they were still alone. The decedents of Frankenstein build this holy city awaiting the return of the great Cloister.  
But he didn't show.

Now some years later many Cats questioned if Cloister would indeed ever show. And many of the Cats who were born of Cat World, or on the Ark to Cat world, questioned if ever anything the elders say is true. After so long it  
seemed like tales meant to scare kitten before they went to bed at night.  
So the change had finally come, and more legislature was to be changed taking a portion of the power from the clergy and putting it into the hands  
of the Tabbies. Whom generally wanted a monarchy with themselves in charge, but for the moment they would work with this.  
This mistake in actions would forever change the history of the Cat People and their World.

From the great tower that rose in the center of Cat Square, one hundred feet tall, and made in the image of a scratching post, Kitty Cat Carlyle, a lone sentry, scanned the heavens for any sign of Cloister's return. Like peoples of old Earth, the Cat Race looked for its answers in the heavens. The rotation duties of young cats was up for him and his duty for this month was recording the movement of the celestial bodies for comparison by the three ruling powers.

Kitty Cat Carlyle was a modern thinker, and secretly part of the Tabby Party organization at school. He himself did not believe in Cloister, nor did many of his contemporaries and the idea of his returning was thought by his younger generation to be superstitious and religious dogma.

"The only ones who really believed in that sort of Cloister returning kind of stuff was the Clergy, fanatics and parents." He would joke.

There were also the elders.

The elders were not the Clergy, and they were not the Tabbies.  
They were the ones who were children when the Ark landed. It was said they knew the truth. They had left heaven of their own free will, they were  
not banished. This made their relations with The Clergy and the Tabbies  
strained at best. Still they were the elders and unless their story could be challenged, they held the true power.

Still the tower was a great place to be alone. Though usually Kitty Cat Carlyle would entice some young coed during the daylight hours to come visit him in the tower.

"I'll show you the sights that only the rulers themselves see." Or one of his classics with freshmen who are from the out lying areas and took religion seriously:

"How do you know, you might be up there with me when Cloister Returns." Yesterday he had struck out, and was indeed alone when it happened.

A blip.  
Not a small blip either, and moving at super sonic speeds. It was either of two things: a meteor the size that could wipe out Cat City, or Cloister himself was returning. Either way he had to do the job, the only really important job to be done and it was his Kitty Cat Carlyle honor to perform.

Even though he really didn't believe in that kind of stuff. He had to press the big red button. The jolly candy like button. Can he push it? Will he push it!  
If he did and if he was wrong he would be cast out from the church. His family and friends would suffer shame and rejection. But if he didn't and it was a giant meteor shouldn't Cat City be awakened and warned?  
He looked into the revered artifact that was salvaged out of the  
Ark that brought the Cat Race to Cat World. It was White Dwarf's Hubble telescope.

The view was spectacular, speeding along like a comet, leaving a gray smokey tail in its wake. Little by little the comet came into view and  
Kitty Cat Carlyle could now see it easily with his unaided eye.  
He made his decision.

He slapped the button and every light and siren in Cat City went off simultaneously. This move would, through a series of events having nothing what so ever to do with Carlyle, cost him his life. And perhaps more.


	51. Part 2 Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The Crash

The dilapidated ship to surface vehicle that housed most of Slate's  
people, and The Cat, was currently smoking and consequently breaking through Cat World's atmosphere at a speed much greater than was  
considered safe in the craft's owners' guide. The pilot was calm as he wrestled to keep the craft from spinning out of control. You see the pilot had read the owner's manual and knew just what this baby could take.

The Cat who was locked in his makeshift cabin had not read the owner's  
manual was convinced he was going to die, his eyes tearing, presumably from the smoke. Currently he was laying on his back in his bunk and holding tenaciously to it's metal frame screaming incoherentcies. Pebbles was with him.

Unaffected by the lights and sirens and with expert maneuvering Slate  
brought his craft as level as possible, skidded for several feet and came to a grinding halt. Directly in the center of Cat City three hundred meters from the Great Tower itself. Internally and externally fire, foam and air bags  
spewed and exploded from convenient places and inconvenient places.

Kitty Cat Carlyle was first on the spot even before the press, but only slightly. After hitting the Big Red Button he had started racing down the tower stairs. He stood just far enough outside the craft's airlock as not to be splattered by the fire foam. The sirens and lights blaring in the background didn't exist for Kitty Cat Carlyle, a whole new world was being shaped around him, and all he could do was stand there and watch it happen.

As the media arrived they started filming the crashed ship, making found-less speculations and interviewing Carlyle. This broadcast blasted into every  
home in the city and outlying areas. It was also broadcast on the great public outdoor amphitheater, which usually played the Flintstones on weekends.

The door crashed opened so suddenly that some of the cameras  
missed it, and they begged him to do it again. Slate walked out of the craft  
his silver gray hair glistening with the fires behind him. His patched eye,  
his leather chest plate and chaps all went over quite well with the fashion media. When the cameras were all ready he started;

"I am Slate." He announced "We have landed here overjoyed and  
against all odds. Only the Holy Mother herself could have guided my craft here after so long."

Kitty Lane, news reporter asked; "Where have you come from Slate, what  
is your mission here?"

"I was chosen to guard and return the last royal family member back to his race, so he could once again be with his people. And rule them into a new golden age." More than a murmur came from the huge crowd that had now gathered.

As news spread across the Cat World more and more flocked to the inner city. It seemed like every eye on was on this ship one way or the other. As Slate began to tell his heart warming tale to the population of Cat World, approximately fifteen thousand miles due upwards the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer was single handily attempting to take over Red Dwarf  
as per his sinister plan.


	52. Part 2 Chapter 26

Chapter 26

The Idiot/Tests

It was told of the ruling family and how, when all the Cat survivors of the holy war fled the mother ship in two transport vehicles, the old and the lame were left behind. And so was the Idiot.

When the first ark left Red Dwarf with the Blue Hats and crashed directly into an asteroid the Red Hats knew they were truly righteous. They also learned a bit about shuttle control, provisions and power vacuums. When the Red hats were about to leave Red Dwarf they cast out their unwanted dissidents  
and left them behind to die in the cargo bay. This caused no end of trouble for them.

In the end when the Red hats left their larger Ark soldiers were  
dispatched to kill the royal family who had been taken in a coup, some  
several years earlier. The soldiers carried out their orders, but were unable  
to bring themselves to kill the religious zealot idiot of the royal family. The hidden jelly brain, that like an idiot Savant, knew and embraced the Cat religion.

The idiot was mercifully left behind with the sick and the lame. One cold night the lame cat girl and the idiot snuggled for warmth.  
Soon after the boy was born.  
The last survivor of the ruling family.  
Heir to the thrown.  
The Ruler, simply called, The Cat.

Within the the smoking but stable White Midget the Cat was being prepared.  
"What do you think would look best with my red sash? Fire orange or olive  
drab." The Cat asked rhetorically, humming to himself.

"Wear the blue. Remember you're an heir to Tabby the fourth and he favored the blues."

"Whatever you say, Pebbles," he said. The Cat talked as he was pulled behind a blind by two royal attendants.

"Hey baby, tell these two clowns I can dress myself." The Cat referring to the attendees.

"Cat they are your royal servants," Pebbles said combing her hair. "Their job, is to dress you and bathe you and pamper and please you in every way. If were going to pull this off you better act as you're told."

The Cat came out from behind the divide dressed to the waist in tight blue french frilled Earl Flynn swashbuckling pants, with a bright red sash, to show solidarity.

"As long as your doing the telling," he said.  
She eyed him carefully, then said, "What changed your mind? Why the change in heart?"

"A life threatening ride like the one we just took can change a man's thinking." The Cat said as a seconds laced up his puffy white pirate shirt with matching scarf, while the other buckled his knee high imitation black leather boots.

The Cat's eyes followed Pebbles' hips as she slowly started for the door.  
"Hey baby, I got an idea. For now on why don't you just call me Bam Bam."

"Just remember you come out on my signal and do it the way we rehearsed." Her eyes were soft and pleading now. As an answer he gave her his famous long tooth smile. When the door closed behind her he said;

"Gentlemen, tonight we make history." Thought about it and finished.  
"Perhaps twice." He couldn't possibly know how right he was.

The Cat was an instant success among the Tabbies. The way he handled the press with his outlandish answers and positive attitude, he was also great with the younger generation. To say nothing about how giddy the Tabbies on Cat World were to have their prophecy come true and not the Red Hats'.

The Cat was shown off like a trophy and was encouraged by Pebbles to be photographed with every important Tabby follower. Whom they themselves were absolutely delighted to have their picture taken with him, Tabby the Fifth.

The Red Hats denounced "This would-be token leader,"  
and vowed war if this impostor was to try and take over Cat World.

The Cat himself was then put through a battery of tests that would frighten  
a rugby finalist. Paw prints, hair samples, nail samples, nasal samples,  
blood, tissue and almost every other sample one could think of. And possibly  
a few that couldn't be thought of.

Retina scans, X-rays, bone measurements, dental records, and a host  
of other were performed. Tests were done, then redone. Then done again, for accuracy mostly. The Cat assumed it was more the sadistic doctors  
were having a slow day.

After an entire day of ordeals that would make a pub bouncer  
tired Slate, The Cat and their entourage were given quarters within  
the castle walls that housed the Clergy and the heads of state. Guards were put outside their doors.

"We don't know how all the locals are going to take the news." A Clergyman explained to Slate. "More hostile Red Hat factions might take extreme actions simply to be recognized. It's for your own safety." The clergyman left and a guard closed the door.

When the Cat was finally brought back to his room he was sound asleep.  
His two servants carried him in on a rickshaw like device, undressed him, and  
placed him ever so gently into his king size, four post bed.

The Cat had his own suite on one side of Slate, and the servant had a suite on the other. Slate's was a smaller single suite between the two, with the attaching doors, as per his own security request.

All was going according to his plans.

By sunrise the test would be finished and thanks to his precautions  
would turn out to his advantage. If all went well his men should be on Red Dwarf working on it's destruction/retaking at this very moment.

Slate thought to himself that if all goes as smooth as this phase of the operation, and he could avoid war, soon he should have control of Cat World and possibly the mother ship itself. Red Dwarf.

"Then to more important business," said Slate, as he dead bolted his bedroom door and started to remove his eye patch.


	53. Part 2 Chapter 27

Red Dwarf: The Missing Season 2.5  
Chapter 27

Cat War

While most of Cat World slept, still uneasy and restless over the historical undertakings that had been taken the day before, the Red Hats were hard at work, you see they had a problem. All the tests done on the Cat came out positive. Positive mind you, that's unbelievable. Of course the Red Hats will lie to the general populace and say that the Tabbies are lying.

Unsure of how the population will react, over the next day or so The Red Hats' Inner Circle was conducting a series of secret meetings. The subject centered on how they should publicly denounce the returned Prince and his group of Outcats. The unquestioned leader of the group spoke:

"We can probably avoid allowing the Idiot's offspring from completely taking over Cat World, I don't believe that's a serious threat. I'm certain what they are really looking for is more leverage with the clergy."  
He paused a moment to look for something in his mouse skin briefcase, when he heard a scuffling of feet outside the great chamber, just before the door flew open.

"I don't think that's the plan at all Red Hats. I think you're all wet." A steel hard voice said. The owner of the voice was hidden in the shadows, beyond the torch light that illuminated the stone lined room.

"Who said that!" Shot the leader at his constituents.  
"It wasn't one of your kittens your Piety. It was me."  
The Ace of Black hearts Rimmer stood in the doorway of the impenetrable inner circle of the Red Hats.

"A hairless ape! How did it get in here?" Someone demanded. Ace started swaggering towards the Red Hat leader. Three security cats seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once. With the snapping of bones and an awful squishing sound Ace dealt with each accordingly. The incident didn't even break his stride.

"All in good time gents, all in good time." Ace said as he was making his way around to the large oak table. The Red Hat leader pressed a red button on the underside of the podium and tried to slink away. Ace put a heavy hand on the Red Hat leader's shoulder and drew him in.

"Red Hat followers your day has come." He announced. Your prophesy has been left unfulfilled and your worst nightmare, politically speaking, has come true.  
Still you sit here and guess at what the opposition has in mind." Ace seemed to ignore the rustling behind convenient shadows.

"Slate and his followers want to rule Cat world and destroy all remnants of the Red Hats. If you let these would be rulers, The Outcats, come into power through lack of foresight, then gentlemen, may your god have mercy on your souls."

"And who are you to come barging in here unannounced and start spreading unfounded lies." The Leader was feeling braver now that he heard the same rustling that Ace still chose to ignore. From all sides Cat Guards in ceremonial uniforms emerged from the shadows and encircled Ace and started moving in.

Ace stood ready for action. "Now now gents, you didn't have to send for dancing partners on my account. My cards full already." The guards kept moving in.

"Ah well, if I must, I must. Get some circulation in the old fisteroonies." Some short twenty two second and much carnage later the final guard hit the floor with a sickening splat.

"Well Gentlemen, let's have a war." Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer smiled at the paralyzed Cat men.

"What say you?"  
The response was lacking.

The first attack was seemingly insignificant in the larger scope of the war. But so precisely calculated was it that, scarcely eighteen hours later the domino effect started, it would force the entire Cat population into a bloody civil war. It was conceived by a mind so twisted and fiendish that it could have Hermann Goering over for tea, and Goering would be the prude.

The leaders of the Red Hats were surprised by the numbers  
of onlookers and followers of Tabby the Fifth. AKA the Cat. It seemed that within the last decade or so, due to technological advances their advisors advised, the Tabbies numbers actually exceeded the Red Hats.

"There are more them than us." was murmured among the Red Hats. This was startling news to these Red Hats and their leaders. Seeing how when they left the mother ship Red Dwarf there were only a handful of these workers.

This handful was used for more dangerous and grueling work such as repairs outside the ship. They were needed, but due to religious specifications these laborers, who would travel in the ark couldn't be Blue hats.

So in an elaborate ceremony, which the Cat people always loved and respected, these converted Blue Hats who couldn't actually become Red Hats either, became The Tabbies. This after some clever thinking on the part of the Red Hats. The name was taken from Tabby the Forth, who was well known and who started the whole debate in the first place. But as history showed, he was a Blue Hat by rule and in heart.

In the open the Red Hats were uneasy, behind closed doors they were down right scared.

"How could this have happened? Why didn't someone  
foresee this? It's not my fault, my constituents are loyal."

These are the phrases that overwhelmed clergy meetings throughout Cat City. It was less so in the outer regions due to the Red Hats being more city dwellers, where the Tabbies flourished in the countryside. But when the news of the return of King Tabby the Fifth reached the outer regions many made the days walk to Cat City. The streets were filled with Tabbies.

A plan was made to increase the numbers of loyal military forces into Cat City from the outlying areas. In case the Red Hats were threatened by the numbers of Tabbies currently residing within the city itself. Combined with the almost hypnotic mass appeal the Cat seemed to have over his audience, the Red Hats feared the worst. Slate was barely noticed.

A dozen or so loyal Red Hat troops were given orders to march in formation into Cat City, but secretly at night. As not to arouse the suspicions of Tabbies or Tabby spies. During one of several secret night time moves, the first attack was made.

Well informed were the Tabbies due to sheer numbers and spies in the military. One such move of five hundred troops were singled out for destruction. The Tabbies who attacked the Red Hat Guards were few in number but they had a strange and clever tactician with them. Knowing the route the military troop would take the Tabbies set up an ambush.

In a particularly narrow passage, both sides lined with forest, the attack was made. The Military column was only four men abreast, causing the column to be spread over a hundred meters.

The Tabbies had cut the smaller tress that lined the road almost completely through. Leaving the dozens of trees vertical, but unstable. When the column had proceeded where all the troops were within the perimeters, the trap was sprung. The Tabbies were waiting in ambush behind the trees and with a signal all heaved, the sawn trees crushed down on the unsuspecting troop. Pinned to the ground, broken and helpless they were easy prey for the Tabbies.  
They were killed to the cat.

Lord Pious of the Red Hat's eldest son was leading that particular troop. When news of his son's demise reached him he was beside himself with fury. He ordered all the Tabbies' leaders to be arrested at once, with force if and when necessary.

That so called Exiled Leader was to be exiled again. This time to a dungeon. None of this went over very well with the Tabbies, to say the least.


	54. Part 2 Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Coup

The Cat slept the peaceful slumber of the content, in a king sized bed with three cat girl servants, under his royal purple silk sheets. Waking to the sounds of shouting and fighting in the halls the Cat chose to ignore the general chaos that seemed to run throughout the embassy where he was currently residing.

The male Outcats were in the hall battle along side the Tabby guards against an unknown enemy. Slate nor Pebbles were anywhere in sight and for some reason all the female attendants were locked in with the Cat for safe keeping. He felt safer all ready. He lifted his head under the purple king size silken sheets, making a tent out of them, using his head as a mid post.

"Girls," he started. I don't know what's going on, or who's out there."

He looked from one to the other. They were all wearing nighties, with their hair down, and were cuddling together in fear. The Cat suddenly forgot what he was talking about and his libido took it from there.

"Ladies, as much as it pains me to be the one to inform you all of the tragic news I have to bear. These may be our last moments together; we don't know what horrors lay behind those doors." He paused, smiled and said.

"Perhaps you'd all be less frightened if you all cuddled around me?" The girls moved like frightened kittens, scratching the Cat as they held on to him.

That is how they were found, four wreathing bodies that couldn't be told apart under a sea of purple. When the sheets were lifted off the foursome by a burley Red Hat solider, the Cat was the last to notice they were not alone. Several superiors of the Red Hat faction were in the room as well as their leader, he spoke;

"I am Lord Pious the Third of the Red Hats."  
"Hi," said the Cat. "You are not going to believe this, but I am so glad to see you." He smiled, "I'm not who you think I am, they got the prince out, I'm a double." He could see they weren't buying it, so he started fresh.

"Remember those attendants, the Outcats. Mean looking dudes with unkempt hair and breath like old nappies, they snuck him out."

"Bring in the prisoner," commanded Lord Pious.  
A second set of guards entered the room, one holding a chain. The two attendants to whom the Cat was referring were bound in it.

"These two attendants?"  
The Cat got up and walked over to the prisoners. The girls didn't move.

"Yea, yea, yea. Those were the guys." The Cat grabbed one by the collar.

"You better confess buddy. It's your only chance." Then he winked at him on the sly.

"Well," said Lord Pious. "Is this true?"  
The prisoner did not answer.

The Cat got close to the bound men and said. "Come on talk. Tell the truth." Still they said nothing.

The Cat could see that the Red hat guy who was in charge still wasn't buying it. So he tried one last desperate gamble, and hoped for the best.

"Hey Lordy Pious, why don't you torture these guys? Then they'll have to tell you the truth."

The two Cat prisoner's eyebrows did like a man bending over and ripping his pants. So did Lord Pious', but for different reasons.

Both prisoners said in unison. "It's him. He's the prince."  
Lord pious smiled pleased with himself.

"I cannot believe this," the Cat said, astonishment branded on his face. After all I've done for you. This how you repay me?"

The Cat soldiers, with a nod from Lord Pious, led the prisoners out.

"Lord Pious." The highest ranking solider addressed him.

"Will you be accompanying the prisoners to their cell?"

"I'll be along shortly," he said looking in the direction of the three cat girls who had managed their way back under the silken covers. Like the kittens they were they had a natural inclination to crawl in tight confined spaces.

"After I've had time to interrogate these three prisoners." He said as he licked his lips.

"Very good sir," the solider paused. "Will you be needing any assistance with the interrogation?"

"No, I don't think so." He turned to face the soldier. "I want you to personally guard the prisoner until he is safely in his cell. Do not let anyone know where you're bringing him. Let nothing happen to him. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Sir! Very Good, sir." And he was out the door, roughly handling the bound Cat as he went.

"Now my lovely ladies," smiled Lord Pious as he pulled the sheets off the cowering cat maidens. "I'd like you to show me everything you know." The giggling could be heard echoing in the Cat's ears as he was led down the hall.


	55. Part 2 Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Cat Prison/ Slate on the Run

The Cat had been man handled all day and frankly he was sick of it. He had been dragged here to see someone and told his story. Then dragged somewhere else where he was looked over again and told a completely different story

"Don't you people have better things to do than drag me all over the city?" He asked one of his soldier guards.  
The guard didn't answer him. This was not part of the deal he signed up for and nobody was listening.  
So he went back to his original story.

"Look I'm telling you fellers, you got the wrong guy." The two guards which now frog marched the half dressed Cat down a dark staircase.

"You do not seem to be listening to me." The Cat said again. "I'm innocent. Slate is the one you want."  
The soldiers ignored him and him through a damp cellar with a stone floor.

"I do not like the smell around here." The Cat sniffed. Then with a face of disgust; "What is wrong with you people, have you never heard of air freshener?" One of the guards unlocked and opened a large heavy oak door and the three went down another flight of stairs.

Stopping to check in with an overweight guard that sat behind a large wooden desk, the head soldier spoke; "Here he is Harry, the one they're making such a fuss about. Hope you have a real nice room set up for him." Then added "something with a view." All three soldiers laughed. It was not a pleasant laugh.

"Do you have any idea what this dampness will due to my hair?" Questioned the Cat, nobody listened.

Harry got up from behind his large desk and came around for a better look. "So is this the golden boy that everyone is up in arms about." He looked over the Cat like a fat man looks over food.

"OK boys leave him with old Harry. He'll be fit as a fiddle if and when you ever need him again." The Cat smiled at this. Maybe this place wouldn't turn out to be so bad after all.

"Don't bother. The talk is now that Lord Pious has the  
Prince region returneth in custody the Tabbies will be tame as kittens. And they shall stay that way as long as we can spread the rumors that their plan was unveiled when he failed the DNA test. Then the Rogues ran off and were ever to be heard from again."

The Cat didn't like the way that sounded. He felt as though he might be acting a bit on the paranoid side, but he figured that these guys might just want him out of circulation for a while. Like forever.  
He made a break for it.

Flipping up and backwards over the guard behind him, the Cat landed behind and shoved him forwards with all his might. All three soldiers crashed into the large desk. Harry was still cursing when the Cat made it to the top of the first staircase. He bolted the door behind him.

Someone somewhere sounded an alarm. Flood light glared out of every corner. Running across the now illuminated basement, the Cat could see why they had left it dark.  
Its walls were lined with small damp disused cells.  
The smells of the various forms of wildlife which now seem to be the only residents filled his nostrils again. He thought there might be a subtle difference, but he was distracted as he heard pounding on the bolted door.

It seemed Harry and company got up and started earning their collective pay. Or keeping their heads, whichever was the fashion at the time. They were attempting to smash the door in.

He started for the opposite door when he definitely smelt something that shouldn't be there. Ignoring the splintering door, he moved closer to the cell which the odor originated.

When he was completely inside he heard a noise behind him then a swishing sound and the Cat assumed that something seemed to explode in the back of his head. Before the warm embrace of blackness engulfed him he realized what the smell was that he had his breath he said faintly, "Pebbles?"

Then proceeded to pass out.

Pebbles and Slate were running through the woods at top speed. The night air was cold and the moon had been covered by clouds so visibility was poor, especially for the city dwelling Cat soldiers. They made their way past the main gate with the help of the local Tabby Party which was currently starting a backlash of fighting in response to the Red Hat abduction of their prince.

"Slate we were able to get you two out, you two alone. I've been in communication with our spy network." Announced the Tabby who was currently leading the duo through the night forest.

"The Prince has been captured, he is being held in the Red Hats oldest and most formidable prison."

Slate was only half listening. He was trying to make sense of the events that had taken place. He had his spies infiltrate the outlying settlements and learned all he could about the culture and local religious and political beliefs. His plan was foolproof, the hardest part had gone off without a hitch, what could have gone wrong?

Cat brother, tell me how this could have come about. We were accepted with open arms only days ago. What could have driven the Red Hats into thinking we were such a menace?"

"I know not General Slate." The Tabby stammered. "The Red Hats hadn't talked of war since before we came to Cat World. They tried to leave that all behind. Or so they said."

"Mayhaps something else could have caused them to fear us, some unknown factor that I had not foreseen?" Slate thought it over and seemed to come to a conclusion.

"I have a base twenty leagues to the south. Can you obtain transportation for us?"

"It would be an honor General Slate."

"Good. Have all the leaders of the Tabbies meet me at these coordinates when the moon is directly overhead. He scribbled numbers on a scrap of paper.

"Tell them if they value their position, and the lives of their people on this planet, they will meet with me. Slate looked deep into the Tabby's eyes.

"Remember, cross me and all of your people will suffer."

"I understand General Slate. Please understand this. The people are behind you, and I am one of the people."  
Slate smiled, nothing like blind obedience to a concept of an idea.

"You're a credit to your race. Now go."  
When the Tabby had left them alone in an abandoned farm house, to secure transportation, Pebbles spoke, "What is the plan now father?"

"The plan, my youngest and most loyal? The plan is the same, only now we have to fight for what is ours." Pebbles served him some of the food rations which were left by the rebels.

"Will we save my betrothed?" She asked coyly.  
He looked at his daughter with great interest, then continued eating. When he finished he looked up at her and said.

"Yes we shall save your betrothed. He is still needed in the plan."


	56. Part 2 Chapter 30

Chapter 30  
Good Morning Cat

For the second time in as many days the Cat was awakened from a dream, that only weeks earlier he had tried to retrieve from the Red Dwarf dream recorder. The dream included a family size carton of vanilla yogurt.

His sense of smell told him he was in some sort of bunker far out in the country, the sounds he heard agreed, they weren't of cities or prisons. He could hear voices that were familiar and yet unfamiliar as well. All these things registered good on the Cat's internal safety readings.  
Still he wasn't convinced that he should open his eyes.

True all may be as it seemed, and when he opened his eyes there would be a lovely servant girl, ready to do his every bidding, granting his every wish. In short get him food and draw a bath and not necessarily in that order.

He couldn't remember the last time he ate, or more importantly, bathed. Much of the time he was thinking; "All this royal kidnapping and rescuing stuff is cutting seriously into my preening time. This is unbearable."  
But the Cat bore it for one reason and one reason alone.  
Fear.

His mind in all its devious ways took it upon itself to come up with a completely different scenario for the Cat.

From the moment he opened his eyes the sounds would be the first thing to disappear. They would change from the pleasant sounds of the great outdoor to the sounds of squealing and anguish. Cries for mercy unfulfilled, the occasional crack of a whip and a bloodcurdling scream thrown in now and again for good measure.

His eyes would quickly adjust to the dim light and a figure would come into focus. He could envision a large fat unsmiling figure with breath that could cut through bank vaults, holding a branding iron. Near him would be a table covered with all sorts of devious instruments of torture.  
Then the smell would assault his nostrils, and he would smell burning fur and think.

"Is that mine?"

Seemingly floating on air a voice quarried; "Are you still asleep, or are you pretending to be asleep?" It wasn't a girl's voice, this was bad he thought.

The question the Cat asked himself was; "is this real, or am I dreaming? And if this is real then I gotta make a decision."

The voice seemed to have a body as well, the body in turn had a hand. The hand, which had fingers, placed two of them on the Cat neck, below the left ear. Now he was sure it wasn't a dream.

"He's conscious."

The voice seemed to be addressing him again.

"Are you going to keep pretending you're asleep, or are you going to be the Prince I know you to be and open your eyes to face whatever your future holds, whether foul or fair? What say you?"

"Thank you but no thank you" murmured the Cat, his eyes still closed. "If it's all the same with you, I'll just keep pretending I'm still asleep."

The voice must have had a foot as well as a hand. On that foot there was a boot. That boot stomped down three times. Then to the Cat's ears there was chaos. At least a dozen feet were heard shuffling about. Objects made of  
woods and plastics could be heard being moved out of the general vicinity. He could also hear great amounts of water moving.

"What the hell is going on?" He thought. At the very fringes of his curiosity he hovered until he could bear it no more. He had to take at least the tiniest peak.  
His right eye opened ever so slightly, as to allow only the smallest sliver of light past its vigilant guard.  
It was exactly what he imagined, lots of cats moving lots of stuff.

"What could it all mean?" He pondered only for a moment,

then the moment was gone. As if there was a fire in his shorts the Cat's eyes popped open.

Eyes fully opened it registered that he resided in a well furnished house that was indeed out in the country. The room was tastefully painted white with blue trim, he noted as he sat up in his large bed, with red sheets.

"Good Morning all." He started. Then did a series of stretches and strolled over to the largest of cats

who seemed to be in charge.

"My good Cat. I seem to be at a disadvantage. Who might you be and what on Cat World is going on?"

Slate looked him over with a curious stare. "I'm simply disbanding the royal bath and breakfast."

He said, with query in his voice. "Young Prince?"

"Who else would you expect?" Answered the Cat while looking about for something. "And delay that bath and breakfast disbanding I've had a trying ordeal, though I can't seem to remember all the details. For one lackey, who are you, for two why does the back of my head hurt like someone danced the fandango on it and three..." He paused to look at a mirror:  
"Who the smeg am I?"


	57. Part 2Chapter 31

Chapter 31  
Let's make our move

"It can mean only one thing." Said Ace.

"War."

Arnold Rimmer had been manning the scanners for roughly most of the day and decided to call a night once ten o'clock came round.  
When he returned to his post at the scanner, some twelve hours later,  
there was something of a bit of a confusion about.  
It seems that some person or persons unknown failed to hit an auto scan switch before they left the previous evening.

"Well how was I supposed to know they'd start a war in the middle  
of the bloody night."

"Great," said Lister. "Perfect. The one thing you were in charge of,  
the one thing you were supposed to look out for and you slept through it. Brilliant Rimmer. Absolutely brilliant."

"Well a lot of tossing the blame ball around isn't going to help us now lads." Arnie Ace Rimmer interrupted. "Truth to tell, it's my fault lads."

"How is that possible?" Asked Spanners, still wearing a pair of welding goggles around his neck.

"It's my double down there causing the real problem. No other  
fiend could manipulate an entire civilization into war in less than forty eight hour." A strange tension filled her voice. "I should have expected this."  
She paused and turned around to face Lister.

"No use crying over toppled dairy products Davie Boy."  
Her voice resonating with confidence again she continued. "We'll just have to move up our schedule a bit, now won't we."

"But Ace, an entire planet is at war. How the smeg are we five..."  
He stopped in mid sentence. "Where the hell is Kryten?"

"Worry yea not Davie boy. Kryten is currently downloading some  
complicated files and data that we'll need once we leap into the fray as it were. And don't you fret about our limited numbers old cucumber." Ace tossed her head back to dislodge a blond wave of hair that seemed to continually creep down towards her right eyebrow. It fell back roughly in the same spot. "We'll manage."

Looking at her watch she said; "OK gents, Kryten will be off line for another two maybe three hours. Let's use that time to finish our respective jobs preparing to save the day and win the proverbial coupie doll."

"A coupie doll? How utterly charming," Sneered Rimmer. "Well Madam Bond, it would seem that I don't have a job here respective or otherwise. And sadly, since I can not accompany you brave warriors below,I think I'll slip back into bed. Goodnight. Ta Ta." Rimmer headed off.

"Hold on a second Arnold," Holly said. "Spanners and I put our heads together earlier and he may have come up with something.  
We could rig the Hologramatic projection booth relays into  
one of the landing crafts mainframe."

"Why on Io's name would we possibly want to do that?"Annoyed by  
Holly's intervention Rimmer questioned him rather unpleasantly, "

"Well if we can rig up the projection beam to just the right  
frequency," Spanners stepped in. "We could transmit your image from Red Dwarf through Starbug and outside, without the cumbersome projection booth. Once were on the planet we activate it and bingo." Spanners smiled at Ace. "You're there."

"You could project my image onto the surface of a planet, without the booth?" Rimmer paused trying to grasp the depth of it all. "How will that help?"

"Well old lemon tart, for one thing scouting and recon work. You're composed of light and no longer hampered by the booth, no one can hear you and no cat could smell you. You'd be practically invisible."  
Rimmer didn't respond still contemplating the change and how it could effect his life.

"Bingo, it's settled then." She said, "Spanners and Davie will finish up  
on my ship, then start on Starbug. I'll come help you as soon as I check on Kryten's progress. If you can't finish before lift off, we'll finish it on the trip down. If there's no questions I suggest we get cracking."  
Off they went.


	58. Part 2 Chapter 32

Chapter 32  
Blue Midget Stolen

A siren was blaring which woke Arnold Rimmer from a dream of  
his mother chasing him through a car park with a submachine gun.  
Stumbling out of his bunk he checked the clock beside his bunk. It was 4:37 AM. He'd barely been to sleep five and a half hours.

"What is it Holly?" Rimmer shouted over the siren. And why can't it happen later."

Holly's image appeared "There's been an unauthorized launching of a  
transport vehicle. Somebody's stolen Blue Midget."

"Who would want to steal Blue MIdget, and why should I care, we have plenty of transports." Rimmer thought for a second, and a smile drifted across his face.

"Holly turn off the alarm and let me get back to sleep. It's probably Ace  
on a late night fling with the population of Cat World. God knows her ego could handle it."  
As the sirens died down Rimmer crawled back into bed and closed his eyes. As sleep started to creep in from the edges of his mind the door to his  
quarters opened and four sets of feet clomped Arnold back into conscious.  
Rimmer could see the lights turn on through his hologramatic eyelids.

"Arnie old sleepy head. Didn't you hear the school bell, breakfasts getting cold." Joked Ace good humoredly.

"Have you seen Dave man?" Spanners asked Rimmer, who was still in bed.

"I thought he was bunking down here for the night, with you. Holly  
says he's not on any of his scanners."

"Well my brave and noteworthy colleagues," Rimmer announced getting out of bed. "Let's take the facts at hand. Lister is not on board the ship. A transport has been launched from The Dwarf, and Lister's boys have been kidnapped and are more than likely on the planet below." Rimmer looked from one to the other. "I thought it should be obvious to a pair of over achievers like yourselves."

"We had thought of that," said Spanners. "But before starting out after him I thought it prudent to make sure he wasn't on board."

"Have you tried to raise Blue Midget on the radio?"

"Holly's been on it since the moment it cleared the landing bay doors, and sailed out into the big black. Spanners says he was a trifle too upset about his boys to wait, thinks he may have gone it alone. Brave lad."

"I blame myself," a tired and unusually disheveled Spanners said. "I knew  
he was upset, how could he not be." He scratched at his weak looking mustache.

"Fine. That's absolutely dandy. Now can I get back to sleep?"

"How can you think about sleep at a time like this, your mate needs you.  
Are you going to let him down?" Ace questioned.

"To borrow a phrase; That doesn't even deserve an answer." Rimmer stated, a smug look on his face.

"That's great Arnie. I knew you'd come through in a scrape." Before  
Rimmer had a chance to question Ace's response, she spoke again.

"Holly I want you to give me his light bee."

"What?" Asked Rimmer.

"You want me to do what?" Questioned Holly.

"Arnie here seems to be in a bit of a daze. Doesn't know what he's saying.  
I want you to turn off his light bee and set it on auto restart. For about, say an hour. Just like restarting a computer when it crashes."

"Wait a smegging moment" said Rimmer finally getting out of bed.

"You can't order Holly to do that."

"Yes I can, Space Corps Directive 135792." Ace started talking her hand on her hip. "In an emergency situation, as deemed by the highest ranking corpsman, any equipment, machinery or weapons as supplied by the Corps, may be inspected, tested and if necessary confiscated, by said commander." She stopped talking and looked at Holly. "As I am the highest ranking corpsman, and I deem it to be an emergency situation. Holly give me his light bee."

"Have you no decency," Rimmer started. "A man's light bee is his castle. HIs home, like a shell to a hermit crab. How can you do this you complete and utter bit." Rimmer's final comments were cut short as his image disappeared in a flicker of blue, until only his floating light bee remained.

"Take care of that Spanners"  
Spanners plucked it from the air and dropped it into his shirt pocket.

"Good, let's meet Kryten on the landing bay and catch up with your over worried double, before he does something rash and foolhardy."

In the landing bay were two crafts ready for launch. Star Bug Two stood  
cleaned and ready for launch. Sitting next to it, with Kryten putting a third coat of bees wax on, was the Wildfire Mach Two. The ship Spanners had designed and rebuilt with Lister's able assistance.

"I hadn't expected this," Holly announced shortly after the duo met up with the mechanoid.

"The twelve hour marathon of the Flintstones had been interrupted by a  
news break while in the middle of an episode. So it had to be major."

"Well what happened?" Asked Spanners.

"Well all was fine until Fred and Barney decided they were going  
to go camping but the girls wanted to tag along. Well Fred wasn't going to stand for that."

"Holly" Spanners interrupted. "I meant what's happening with the news flash."

"Oh, I was just getting to that part. Here I'll let you watch it  
on your own." Holly's image faded away and was replaced with a distant  
shot of a sea of cats. A sea of Cat People to be precise. With brutal red garbed military presence everywhere. For security one would assume.  
The camera slowly zoomed in on a motorcade. When the motorcade  
got closer to different sections of the crowds, the cats in those area would go wild. To the point where the security was straining to contain the group. In the center of the convoy was a flatbed transport, covered with long haired darkly robed cats. The largest of the robed cats wore a patch.  
Behind the robed figures was a throne like chair. In that throne wearing a pink double breasted morning suit with matching tie, shoes, and hanky  
was the missing crewman of Red Dwarf, the Cat.  
On his head he bore a crown. A blue hat with a humorous arrow through the top. The audio was faint and filled with static but the chant  
'Tabby, Tabby, Tabby', was easily audible over white noise.

"Holly how old is this broadcast." Asked Ace.  
"It's current

"Well," said Spanners. "At least the part of finding the Cat isn't going to be as difficult as we thought."

"Possibly old Friend." Ace looked from Spanner to the screen.

"But I wouldn't bet on it."


	59. Part 2 Chapter 33

Chapter 33  
Problems

At first the plan was simple. Then it got complicated. Finally it was in the stages which could only be described as difficult. Three ships had launched within minutes of each other from Red Dwarf. Spanners and Rimmer piloted White Midget, Kryten piloted Starbug Two, while Ace was in the cockpit of his recently rebuilt test ship Wildflower two, with "A few added  
surprises" as Spanners put it.

The difficulties began even before they left where as Dave Lister, not Spanners, was originally to man White MIdget. Allowing Spanners to travel with Kryten. Fortunately the piloting software had already been downloaded  
into Kryten, before Ace and Spanners disconnected him prematurely from Ace's makeshift download.

"I'm picking up major energy surges from the planet below."  
Rimmer's voice crackled through the tinny speaker on Ace's console.

"Krytis old friend can you give me a cross reference and confirmation  
on that?" Ace's undisturbed voice cooed across the radio waves and into  
Kryten's audio receivers. "Just running it now mum." Kryten  
depressed several illuminated buttons and a readout started scrolling up his scanner monitor.

"Just coming now mum." Kryten paused to run the information through his data banks before passing it along to the others.

"Yes, I'm getting them also. It looks like smaller schirmishes through out the outer regions." He looked towards Ace's image on the Star Bug Two's monitor. "Outside of Cat City."

"Is it localized Kryten?" Asked Spanners across the frequency.

"No Mr. Spanners Sir, is doesn't seem to be that way. Throughout the major Cat regions there seems to be as many as a half dozen in all. Best guess, Cat City is about to face their first civil war."

"That bastard Ace of Black hearts must be behind this!" Boomed Ace.

"We have to get down there, and fast. Wouldn't want a thing like losing Davie boy plus two and the added bonus of the destruction of all life on Cat World on our conscience would we now lads?"

"I could live with it." Stated Rimmer flatly.  
Spanners looked away shaking his head left to right.

The delegation team was Spanners and Kryten. Ace had thought that  
her choices were difficult from the start. The best out of the crew were a semi mad toilet attendant, who reminded Ace of her Admiral Bongo for some odd reason. An alternative version of a damn fine mechanic she used to know. And a frighteningly twisted alternative version of herself.

There mission had been to contact the leaders of Cat World, presumably the Red Hats. Explain to them how their comrade had gone missing during a search and rescue operation. Give them some notion that their mate was a few cats short of a swarm, and persuade them to help locate the Cat.  
Now the plan had changed, drastically. According to the monitoring of local transmissions, the Cat has somehow been duped into representing the rebel forces. Apparently since the Cat People left Red Dwarf, roughly seventy five years ago, their race had multiplied greatly. It was also apparent they had adapted a sort of society made up of a ruling class and a servant class.

The Cat was being played up as some sort of found lost leader for the down trodden.


	60. Part 2 Chapter 34

Chapter 34  
Out of Control

Kryten was at a disadvantage from the very beginning.  
If Ace had had enough time to finish downloading the appropriate files,  
Kryten would have had the software and the able bodies' assistance of Spanners to aid him. In most probability he wouldn't be in a smoking disabled transport craft spiraling to the surface of Cat World completely out of control.

If Lister hadn't hot-wired Blue midget and elected himself to be the scout party, things might have come off a tad smoother.  
But jumping into the fray like a drunken sailor into a fist wasn't exactly Kryten's idea of clever.

"Some days it just doesn't pay to come back on line," he thought as he wrestled the controls. Which were uncontrollable.

"Mayday Mayday. This is the JMC Mining ship Star Bug two. I seem to  
be out of control. Please advise. Anyone." Then in a small voice, "help."  
The transmission reached the existent and the non existent ears of  
Ace Rimmer.

"Come in Kryten old Chum. In a bit of a scrape there?" Ace's  
voiced reached out to Kryten.

"Can you help me Ace Mum?"  
"Already working on a remedy for your condition." Ace swooped in across  
the nose of Kryten's careening ship barely nudging it, causing sparks to leap from both crafts.

"Just as I thought. You were caught in some kind of magnetic tractor beam." Though the scanners didn't pick up the kind of energy reading that would be needed to power a beam of this size." Ace wondered. "Still  
now that I've broke the connection power should be returning to your craft."  
Ace was wrong. Kryten was out of danger only temporarily.

The magnetic coils of Starbug Two's rear engines had been depolarized by the tractor beam.

'"Ms. Ace Mum" I seem to be down to fifty two percent power. Also I am reading major circuit and computer outages. Conclusion I will need to land for repairs within he next forty two point seven minute or risk losing of  
control of my vessel again. Advise."

"I'm reading a clearance at 327 mark two. There should be enough room in that valley to land a fleet of Starbugs old Friend." Ace reassured the mechanoid.  
When Kryten and the Starbug were safely on the ground, Ace's voice said.

"OK old fruitcake, you get to work on the damage, while I run a few errands. I'll be back before sundown."

"Very good Ms. Ace Mum."  
With that Ace and the Wildflower took off and soon were out of scanning range.

"Forty minutes later Kryten was outside his craft working on repairing  
a disconnected fuel line when some one approached him from behind.  
Kryten was startled when he heard a sound behind him and spun, as well  
as a mechanoid can spin, on his heel.

"Oh it's you." was all the startled mechanoid could get out of his mouth  
when he was shot full in the chest by a medium sized harpoon which had a wire lead attached to it.

While his surprise chip wrestled with what to do in his turn of events  
the air around the wire, which was attached to the harpoon protruding from  
the mechanoids chest, crackled with energy.  
Kryten was suddenly filled with enough high voltage to light up the Queen Mary. His body stiffened and smoke escaped from the openings of his joints. Like a redwood he fell backwards on to the hard ground.

A tall dark figure holding a harpoon launching weapon stood over him and  
looked down. Kryten lay twitching on the ground, the damage to his recognition units must have been bad indeed because he couldn't be seeing  
what he thought he was seeing.

Before he could speak the figure pulled the trigger again and filled Kryten with another charge. His metal body did it's best imitation of a herring out of water then stopped as suddenly as it started.  
This time the mechanoid was out for good.

When Kryten woke he couldn't see anything. All was pitch black. Nothingness. Zilch. Nada. For a moment he wondered if he was on line at  
all, so he tried to move. He found he couldn't, he seemed to be tied to something. "This wouldn't do at all," he thought.

Just as Kryten was about to illuminate his chest light a voice cut through  
the darkness. It was more of an echo than a voice, as though he was at the end of a long cavern and someone was talking to him from the entrance.  
He could distinctly hear words, but he couldn't get a reading on his voice  
indent. chip. "Very strange indeed."

The unidentifiable voice asked Kryten a number of questions the mechanoid was compelled to answer. Then at some point the questions stopped, and all was silent again.

Ace had met up with Spanners and Rimmer. Throughout the day they had done a planet wide search of Cat World and found no sign of Blue Midget or of Dave Lister. All had feared the worse but none voiced it. It was a long and difficult search. When the sun dipped beneath the horizon on Cat City Ace left Rimmer and Spanners to do what they could to locate Lister and the Cat. She would have to meet up with Kryten at nineteen hundred hours, when the estimated repairs should be completed.

Once Kryten was as sure as he could be in his current state that he was alone, he attempted to force his bonds. A futile gesture. Whatever  
he was bound with was more durable than the mechanoid. Kryten went through all the files he had access to on his RAM that had anything remotely  
to do with captive situations. Nothing. Unless of course he could somehow manage to win the favors of a metal eating rodent, and convince it to  
eat his bonds, he was sunk. When Kryten's self-confidence level was almost  
to low to be measurable he heard another voice.

The voice got clearer as it seemed to get closer. Now the voice was  
almost within range for his ident chip to get a reading. It was Ms. Ace Mum.  
"When you weren't aboard Starbug, and the repairs hadn't been completed  
I came looking for you old Blub. Good thing for you your power source was traceable or it may have taken days to find you. Then you would have  
missed all the fireworks. I know you wouldn't forgive me for that."

"Thank you ever so much Ms. Ace Mum. I regret that I was unable to finish he repairs to Starbug Two before being captured."

"Pay it no never mind. You expect this kind of thing in my line of work.  
Any who let's get back to your craft and onto the next stage of the plan."

"Yes Ms. Ace Mum."


	61. Part 2 Chapter 35

Chapter 35  
Make me Hard /Rimmer & Spanners

Kryten and the FemVerse's version of Ace Rimmer finished repairs on the Starbug shortly after two AM.

"Now that we have the daily chores out of the way old banana, I  
think it's time we got onto the show. What say you my old cream pie?"

"Anything you say Ms. Ace mum."

"Well you're the key in this giant intricate lock."

"I am Ma'am?"

"Yes, you most certainly are. Now if you'll please plug yourself in we can get on with this little party." Kryten depressed a small flat button behind his left ear releasing a mechanism literally popping the mechanoid's cranium hood. As Kryten drew out a lead from his head Ace said; "You'll work as my interface between Holly and the Starbug's computers."

"What will you be attempting mum that requires that much RAM.  
If I may ask?"

"Ask away at anything you like old fruit salad. My plan is to attempt to transfer my soft light hologramatic light bee,"  
Ace smiled a contagious smile a moment then continued. "Into a hard light hologramatic light bee."

"Hard light mum? What exactly is hard light hologramatic light bee?"

"Hard light, in theory mind you, would be about as close to living as  
one of us deadies could even dream about. My light bee emits a wave of  
light that has physical substance, although no mass to speak of.  
By regulating the density of the light's wave we could, again in theory, fine tune it to the right density. Of course my bee itself will need some physical modifications. But we have Spanners to thank for all the ground work.  
"Spanners mum?"

"Well the Spanners from my universe to be precise old chicken pot pie.  
Remember that computer slug which accompanied my light bee. They were Spanners plans for a working prototype."

"Computer on." Monitors, panels and light illuminated the room. "If all the data Spanners correlated is correct the user of a hard light projection bee would have normal pleasure responses with the added bonus of being practically invulnerable."

"Is that possible Ace Mum?"

"Well, we'll soon see about that won't we now Krytus old clam," Ace talked as they worked. "The answer is stored in your head so if you don't mind."  
Several depress buttons later and Kryten's pupils were replaced by tiny hour glasses as files were retrieved, opened and transferred onto Starbug's monitor. Soon numbers, figures and text filled the three extra screens that were recently installed by the Listers.

As Kryten's eyes soon returned to normal the mechanoid obtained the ability to speak and move once again. "Ms. Ace mum, where did you get this?" Kryten's eyes flashed from screen to screen. "It's astounding."

"It is a real genius piece of work, isn't she? It started with the plans Spanners hid in my black box originally. Apparently she must have been burning the midnight oil with the tech girls to get all this kind of information."

"It seems incomplete though Ms. Ace Mum." Kryten spoke while his eye remained transfixed to the third monitor. "Right here, it doesn't finish these  
equations." Kryten pointed to another part of the screen. "And here, there  
are no way for the neural passages to be able to reflect properly."

"Well then we've a job ahead of us, you old son of a mechanoid." Ace  
walked up to Kryten. "Because if you can't make me hard tonight. There won't be any tomorrow."

If Kryten could have blushed he would have. "Yes Mum." Then added "I'll do my best." And for some reason Kryten thought about green snowy slush  
on the Nova Five.

It was much easier than any had expected. Before landing Spanners  
radioed ahead and the Red Hats were delighted that they now had allies in this oncoming battle, which they were rather unprepared for. Although Spanners had to take on a minor disguise as not to be recognized as Cloister. Or to be more precisely an alternative version of what the Cats believed to be their god. Either way minor alterations were made.

After lengthy explanation by Spanners the Red Hats were in love with the idea that someone else would take care of their problem for them. The Red Hats informants knew the general area for the big push by the  
the Tabbies. The details were sketchy but they were sure the attack would come just after dawn.

Spanners and Rimmer had obtained permission by the Red Hats high council to act as observers in some of the smaller battles outside of Cat City, where the Red Hat's informants believed the Cat would most possibly appear.  
Both were given temporary rank and partial uniform. This gave Rimmer more chills of pure delight than any dead person, before or after him, deserved. Spanners wore the hat and armband out of courtesy.

"So this is how it is then," Spanners started. He and Rimmer were within  
the Red Hats twenty miles south of the city.  
"You and I will each take watch of a branch of the attack and keep in touch via our communicators. When one of us spots the Cat or any of the robed outcats we call in the reserves and attempt to help subdue them. If the Cat's not with them we get some information, find their lair. Storm it, rescue the Cat and help subdue the rest of the Outcats. What could be simpler?"

"Forgetting all this and head back to the Dwarf for starters."

"What's that there then? I thought you were in love with the whole military leader thing. Especially the uniform Holly simulated for you."

"Well sure that's the best part. But I was just thinking. I don't really have to be here, on the planets surface do I?"

"What?"

"Well if you stop and thought about it I could just as easily direct the battle from Jupiter if I had the right equipment." Rimmer scratched his holographic H. "I might as well have jumped into an escape pod and do my bit from the comfort of the small rough one. The way a general would conduct a  
battle."

"For smegs sake Rimmer I can't believe your pulling this. We need to be on the field. We need to have scouts everywhere and good lines of communications. You can't do it from the Dwarf."

"Absolutely right you are miladdo. How foolish of me. OK why don't you go out with the first scout party and I'll direct things back at command center as it were."

"Look man, here's the score, you want me to take the first scout party out. I can do that. But I want you to know that I disconnected the voice activation units on Blue Midget. You couldn't leave here by yourself if you wanted to."  
Spanner smiled. Rimmer smiled back. Everyone was smiling, and no one was particularly happy.

"I'll be back in forty minutes, see if the communications tent has been set up. If it isn't make sure it is." With that Spanners walked out of the tent.

"Jammy goit. He's probably one in every dimension."


	62. Part 2 Chapter 36

Chapter 36  
Ace & Kryten on Starbug

Kaboom!

Hologramatic sweat poured down Ace Rimmer's brow as she worked  
desperately on a small table in a poorly lit room within the transport vehicles ill prepared lab.

Kaboom!  
The explosions outside were getting closer. Dust would now fall from the ceiling just after the explosions were audible. To stop this a small tent was erected over the crude work station which Kryten had set up in order to help the Ace from the FemVerse to convert her soft hologramatic light bee to a hard.

"Situated in the back of the battle. Others fighting to buy her time. Probably with their lives," thought Arnie Ace Rimmer.

"Damn! This is not how it supposed to be..." She forced herself to stop thinking.

"Focus . Keep Focused."  
The slightest waver in her hologramatic concentration would cause her  
to lose her semi solid light form. Thus disabling her from holding a sonic  
screwdriver, which she so desperately needed to do.

Kryten was currently running some calculations through Starbug's computer, which even though the Cats were in control of Red Dwarf, he was luckily still linked to Red Dwarf and Holly. Still this didn't seem to be holding Ace back too much.

Kryten had to be careful, this was a delicate operation and performed  
on the field, where a pitched battle raged not two miles away.  
At any moment the scanners could detect an oncoming troop of Cat Warriors ready to tear Starbug, and all aboard, into catnip. This would force Kryten to engage the Starbug's cloaking shields, from the batteries which were needed for lift off.

He thought back to the briefing that Ace had given him apart from the others.

"OK Krytus you'll be with me on Starbug One, on the field. I'll be performing an operation, you'll be assisting me. I'll give you a list of the materials we'll need in machine code. Remember. Loose lips sink ships."

"I'll remember that Mrs. Ace Mum." Kryten found this analogy rather difficult to identify with seeing that he had no lips of his own. Nevertheless  
he started gathering the supplies that they would need.  
If too much power was drained off during the operation which Ace was currently performing on himself one of two things could happen:  
The duel power drain on the batteries would be so enormous that Starbug would be unable to lift off until the solar panels recharged them. If time and the battle permitted.

If on the other hand Kryten did successfully fire the engines and it was a a delicate period in the operation, the power flux might be enough to cause MIss Ace mum to shut down. Starbug batteries wouldn't have enough energy to start her back up again. Until a time when we returned to Red Dwarf or find an alternate power source.  
Ms. Ace would be effectively dead.

Either option Kryten couldn't afford to dwell on.  
All he could do was hope that Lister, Spanners and the Cat, leading their small band of loyalists against the brainwashed Cat followers of Slate and that evil other Mr. Ace sir are doing well.

His anxiety chip had been on overload all morning, and thinking instead of doing would probably send him into shutdown mode then he wouldn't be useful at all. How could that possibility help in this situation. Successfully by passing a possible shut down, he made his way to the makeshift computer interface which enabled Ace to perform this high wire operation. On herself.  
Kryten said to no one in particular. "What a Gal."  
Then went about his work.


	63. Part 2 Chapter 37

Chapter 37  
On the Battle Field

On the battle field things were going as well as could be expected. On the  
side of good we have a loyalist Cat faction which believe that Cloister will return. Led by the Red Dwarf posse and their better selves. Battling against the greatest evil in half a dozen known dimensions, The Ace of Black hearts Rimmer, with Slate and his brainwashed army of evolved Outcats.  
Battles had been fought all day throughout the realm of Cat city.  
So far no sightings of the Cat or Outcats were reported.

After meeting back at Red Hat base Spanners and Rimmer tried to make sense of the day so far.

"The thing that bothers me," said Spanners to Rimmer, who were on a hill a good two miles away from the Starbug which he had the scutters set up earlier.

"What is that, Private Lister?" As he viewed the battle through unoculars and waved.

"That the Cats have never launched an all out offensive. They've  
hit us a bunch of times. And from different angles. Surey they know our weak spots. Why haven't they just over run us?"

"Ah Lister. Here's the important thing that you don't under stand about war."

"What's that?" Lister asked while absently shuffling a deck of cards inside his large tent that the Cloister's Followers set up. Their were dozens. This was their current base. As per his instructions by Ace.

"Everything." Said Rimmer.

"If you had, you would have realized long ago that I was leading you from the vantage point of this hill and directing the battle in such a way that the enemy is perplexed." Rimmer sipped some Sonsare wine and finished. "You see I've outsmarted my double, with my own special Rimmer genius."

"Or your other self somehow wants us to hold our position. As some kind of ploy," said Lister pulling random cards from the deck and tossing them on the table.

"But he has to come here. He has The Cat, he has Red Dwarf. How do we know he's going to attack Cat City. What would he want to divert our attention from?" Asked Lister.

"Listey you must be getting senile. Until god's gift to herself Arnie comes charging out of the woods on a white stallion with her secret weapon in hand or the Cat shows, we really can't do much but wait. And give orders."

"Yea but if this was Ace's secret plan, that none of us knew the  
whole of, for security purposes, then how the smeg did Ace transmit the soligrams virus?" Lister said, his hands and facial muscles in motion while talking.

"He shouldn't have been able to," said Rimmer, suddenly understanding.

"Ace would have had to have known it before she jumped." Lister's eyebrows stood at attention.

"And if Ace knew then..." Rimmer paused as his face drew up in horror.

"...Then that bastard knows it now." Lister finished his sentence.

"So what's he want?"  
Spanners held out the Ace of Hearts. "How about all the Aces?"  
He was already out of the tent and halfway to Blue Midget hollering  
'Change in plaaaaaaaaaaaaaans! Leg it!'  
before Rimmer realized what was going on?


	64. Part 2 Chapter 38

Chapter 38  
The War is over. Good guys Lost

Spanners had the transport fired up and ready for lift off before  
Rimmer cleared the airlock. Partially blinded by the smoke from the ignited retros Rimmer's eye were filled with hologramatic tears as he entered the cockpit.

Moments earlier a red illuminated light on the cockpits console told Spanners that the airlock was secure and that's all the prompting he needed. The Blue MIdget leaped from the grassy plains into the sky rocketing southward, towards Ace and Kryten. Leaving the Cat troops, both Tabbies and Red Hats, to question the meaning of it all.

A message sparked to life on the surveillance monitor to Kryten's immediate right. It was filled with a panicky Spanners speaking with more of a scouse accent than usual.

"Spanners is that you old love?" Ace questioned in a voice matter of fact, when in fact she and Kryten were in the middle of some detailed electromagnetic spectrogram readings and dangerously pushing the limits of Kryten's RAM. If he froze up now, they would lose all the current data.  
And possibly fry Ace's light bee.

"That's a yo Ace. I think we have a problem."

"Well the immediate problem that I can see is that you've left your post."  
I assume you have a good reason for this old turnip?"

"Sure do, first of all. sssskrasskllllllllleeeeeeeeee," interference  
that shouldn't have existed garbled Spanners' words and corrupted his image less so.

"Afraid I didn't receive that last transmission. Repeat please."  
Nothing came through the speakers but static.

''Well that about does it for that. Look I have you on our scanners. You'll be here in minutes. Whatever you have to tell me certainly can wait that long."  
Lister's response had more static in it than a video tape of dubious origins.  
Minutes later when the airlock hissed open Ace's attention was completely engulfed in his work and so he didn't notice the extra set of foot steps.

"Spanners old plumb cake don't forget to wipe your  
boots off before entering. Kryten just mopped and you wouldn't want to get him cross. She joked good naturedly."

"Oh we won't," said a voice as cold as death.  
At first Ace thought that in her volatile state she had heard wrong because in fact Spanners was coming through the airlock. Unfortunately he was followed in by Ace of Black Hearts, who seemed to have a hold of Spanners neck with a garrote of some sort.

"Sorry Ace, the war is over." Spanners choked and fell. Before he lost consciousness he said "The good guys lost."

"Spanners!" Ace shouted and stood up. Kryten, his pupils replaced by hourglasses, stood frozen a few feet behind her.

"I'll have to insist you stop right there miss," he said, a laser pistol seemed to have appeared in his right hand.

"So you've finally arrived for the tea party. Couldn't have a good party without my evil twin from another dimension." She smiled. "Beard doesn't suit you. How did you find us?"

"Good God did a version of me really say that? You are something of a prat for someone so gorgeous."

"You really are tying to take narcissism to a new level aren't you?"  
The Ace of Black hearts moved nearer.

"Oh come now my pretty double. It doesn't have to be this way. Why should we fight so, when we have so much in common. Maybe we could work together." He effortlessly dragged Spanners with one hand and held a laser  
pistol in the other.

"Don't make me sick." A hologramatic blue crackle wavered Ace's image a moment as she disconnected a lead from the console, unobserved. "You're not really my type. I tend to like my men brave and honest. Weasly and cold aren't my turn-ons."

Ace of Black Hearts was taken aback. No one talked to him like that.  
He took his pistol off Ace's light bee and turned it on the unconscious Spanners.

"So this is the smart one then. Are you sure you wouldn't like to reconsider." The evil Ace smiled.  
"He is so much like my Lister. I assume he's a lot like yours too. Smells more."

Again unnoticed, using her light bee with great skill, Ace depressed a button on the console, yet her image remained unchanged.

"I better kill him as soon as possible then." The Ace of Black hearts continued gloating.

"The git version in my dimension was far to clever for my liking. I could never quite manipulate him the way I wanted. Especially when I decided I was  
going to have a taste of his little Krissy."  
These words seeped through Lister's semiconscious brain.

"You're telling me that you and his Krissy? In my reality he wasn't tilted in the field of Astro Jocks. Only to a certain grease monkey."

"Well I didn't say she was exactly willing."  
After a moment for the thought to sink in she said, "You bastard!"

"Thank you. Too bad I had to leave so quickly. You know how lonely it gets in space. Too bad I didn't turn up a bit later. When you had a little more, shall we say, substance." The Black hearted fiend stroked his fiendish goatee in a provocative manner and leered into her eyes. "So you don't like the beard?"

The words had ripped through Spanners mind like really really urgent words ripping through someone's mind. Suddenly all his doubts and accusations were possible, even plausible. He didn't just imagine it. True it happened in a reality completely different from the one he left, and the one he was in currently in. But it was possible. It had a quantum probability factor above zero. It could be calculated. He wasn't crazy. He was rightfully suspecting. Kind of.

With this strange sense of relief, Spanners also went through a not so strange sense of rage. What the smeg does this bastard mean, "Wasn't exactly willing?"

With these new ingredients his mind started to work. Work on a plan. Too bad he only had about forty five seconds to come up with one before he got his fool head shot off. "Guess I'll have to improvise."

"Aren't you afraid that the Lister of this dimension is out there somewhere undoing all the work you did. You know they do regard him as their god."

"That was precisely the reason that I kidnapped his kids and sent him a ransom note. Telling him to surrender himself to me, or I let his children grow old and die in days." "He was pretty easy to handle after that."

"I suppose you don't mind being locked in here while the ships self destruct mechanism counts down," she said. "You triggered it when you came through the door. It was set to your specific brain waves."

"You're lying!"

"Naw. I'm not that kind of girl."  
Ace placed the muzzle of the gun to the back of Lister's head.

"Now I'm going to ask you once before I fry his brains. What is the disarming code."

"Go ahead. He set up the rigging mechanism. He knew the risks. Brave lad you're holding a gun on."

"You see I know what happened to the Ace of Dimension 459. I was there shortly after you pulled your disappearing act. I saw the security video monitor's tapes."

"Well then you understand what happened was self defense. It was him or me."

"You lying dirty son of a prosti droid. You shot him in the back when he was rescuing a child trapped in a blaze you started."  
The Ace of Black hearts Rimmer smiled a serene smile. A sinister twinkle came into his eyes. "Yea the poor sap didn't know what hit him. But you, you're going to see it coming." He raised his laser pistol and took careful aim at Ace's light bee and squeezed the trigger.


	65. Part 2 Chapter 39

Chapter 39  
Rescuing the Cat to Boot

Arnie Ace Rimmer guided her light bee out of the path of the deadly bolt the seared through her image. Both remained unharmed, and unaffected.  
The computer console behind her didn't fair as well.  
The shot was not fired from the pistol of Arnie's alternative evil double, but out of the rad pistol, furnished by the Cat people, in the hand of the missing Lister. The shot had gone right through the female Ace's image and into the solid Ace's shoulder.

The shot was clean just like Lister planned, but his target didn't fumble. He did however clutch his right shoulder with his left hand and gritted his teeth. He did not drop his pistol.

"Drop it, or I'll drop you so help me!" Said the Lister holding his own pistol in a more than threatening manner.

"I almost believe that you'd do it, Spanners old mate." Ace turned and faced him, the other Lister still at his feet. His spectacles had fallen off his face.

"Come on you old spicy pot pie it's you your best mate Ace. I knew it was you. It took me a while but I knew." His gun arm was still in working order.

"I gave you the coordinates to find the boys and this is how you repay me?"  
The semi consscious Lister rolled quickly, if not gracefully, away from  
the wounded Ace, and consequently, out of firing range. At the same time, that same Ace, fired at the Lister who was still within his firing range. But missed. HIs wounded arm was stiffening.

Although she caused her light bee to project an image of herself using a jumping kick to subdue the villain. Ace had actually hurled her light bee at the solid Ace's head, the impact caused him to drop his pistol to the floor.  
He soon followed it Wiping some blood from his forehead with the back of his hand he said:

"Unbelievable. You actually managed to floor me." He laughed a little.

"Personally I think it was beauty that downed the beast." He laughed again and started to get up.

"Stay right where you are." The Cloister garbed Lister held the pistol with both hands. His arms were straight as girders and taunt as steel.

"Why did he call you Spanner?" Ace asked.  
The Lister with the gun looked up at the hologramatic Femverse Ace and said: "It's because," but never had a chance to finish the sentence.  
Realizing that the odds were no longer with him Ace of Black Hearts used this momentary respite and played final Ace. He depressed a miniscule button on his watch.  
White crackling electric looking bolts sparked around the evil Ace, almost threatening to cook the ex-commander alive.

"Shoot him Spanners. Shoot." The hologramatic Ace yelled from where she had moved to. Lister let off three shots at almost point blank range.  
Nothing happened.

"What the smeg is that?" Said the Lister who was replacing his spectacles to their rightful place.

"This my friends, if you can still hear me, is my own personal stasis force field." Said Ace getting to his feet.

"Egads, the fiend has access to technology beyond our years. With a personal force field of that nature he doesn't actually exist within our  
time stream." She paused for a moment. "Attacking him would be like attacking a ghost."

"I couldn't have explained it better myself," said the evil Ace as he made his way towards the airlock. "Now if you'll excuse me."  
The unarmed Lister tried a tackle in desperation and came away with two hand fulls of electromagnetic energy residue.  
Before anyone could respond he was out the door.

"After him," said both Listers who were stopped by a jammed airlock  
locking mechanism.  
Once outside the three watched as the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer escaped in Ace's super dimension sled, which the Listers had finished rebuilding less then twenty four hours ago.

"Well this certainly puts a halibut into the ice cream tub," said Ace.

"But I'm still grateful that we have you back with us Davie boy. Nice  
shooting. We were in a pretty tight pickle jar."

"It's not as bad as it seems," said Lister. 'I've got a few surprises for both of you when we get back aboard the Dwarf." Both smiled understandingly.


	66. Part 2 Chapter 40

Chapter 40  
Lister's Confession

On the jag back to Red Dwarf, with the transport on auto pilot, Ace  
sat back and let Lister and Spanners explain their little charade.

"Come on now lads, you put one over on me and everyone else. The least you can do is tell old Ace here how you come up with this prince and the pauper scheme."

Shortly after take off the Listers had changed clothes and were doing some serious damage to an eight pack of wicked strength lager which  
was conveniently found in the ships mini fridge.  
Dave had just finished off his third and wiped a layer of foam from his upper lip when Ace had finished talking. "Oi," he shouted to his double. "You want to tell, or you want that I should."

"You tell it." Said Spanners sipping at his third can in celebration. "I'll  
help with any of the parts that don't show me in a good light." He smiled.

"Fair enough."  
Lister turned to face Ace. She sat across from him, her flight jacket hung open. Her long shapely legs were crossed which drew her trousers tight across her thighs. Dave couldn't help noticing her hologramatic cleavage showing over the fourth unfastened button, of her tight hologramatic blouse.

He started: "'I want my boys back and I don't care what the cost.' Those words were the start of something that would haunt me for the rest of my life if I screwed it up."

"When the boys were kidnapped I went completely spur. Hell I blamed you." Ace smiled a warm smile. "That is until I started receiving a signal from the boys.  
Call me a paranoid mother, but immediately after birth I had Kryten  
insert tracers into my boys." Lister looked at Spanners. "Then I erased his memory. The rest was like this:

"I was leaving the ship and about to make a deal with the Black hearted devil himself when Spanners caught me. I made it as far as the lift but he was waiting for me. I didn't know it when I hit the button but while I was waiting I heard a familiar voice.

'Going somewhere Davie boy?'  
It was Spanners. Out of his usual overalls and dressed in orange boxers and london Jets tee shirt. A can of lager rested in his left hand. He sat on a green and white horizontally striped beach lounge chair. He had been waiting for me and thought to make the best of it."

"Oi been waiting long? I was just popping down to the cinema. The wait for this lift is murder."  
His double didn't smile. Instead he put his lager on the floor and got up

"Where do you think your going smeg for brains." Spanners said in a belligerent tone.

"You know the score. You got a Jim and Bexly too. What would you  
do if someone took them?"

"I know you have a tracking device on the kids. Why not tell Ace and we could pin point the black hearted bastard?"

"Naw. Too risky. The boys could get hurt. Or worse."

"And we can't wait because their aging."  
Dave LIster looked into his doubles eyes. This was not the response he was expecting. "You gonna let me go then?"

"I can't do that Dave. You're too involved, you're their mother for god sake."  
Spanners thought about that sentence for a moment then continued. "Plus you'd be walking into a trap." Spanners paused again. "I'm going instead."  
At first Lister didn't understand. "What do you mean your going instead?"  
Spanners handed Lister his overalls he had neatly folded.

"Look it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin up. I'll go down and make whatever deal I have to make with Ace. I'm betting that he believes you're so upset about your boys, and rightly so, that you'll do anything to get them back. Including subjecting the entire population of Cat World to the equivalent of slavery."

Lister hadn't thought of that. He hadn't allowed himself to think of it  
those terms. But now that they had been brought to light.

"OK What's the plan?" Lister asked.

"You be me aboard the Dwarf. Tell the others you were, I mean I was crazy worried about the boys and hot wired Blue Midget to try and rescue them. Stick to that. But you got to convince them I'm in no danger.  
Set it up that they won't come down right after me. I'll need some time."  
Spanners thought for a second.

"You and the others come down in a few hours after dawn. That should give me enough time"

"What'll you be doing in the meantime? If I may ask? Seeing on how your plan does have my boys life hanging in the balance."

"I'll do as much recon as I can, and feed that Black Hearted bastard  
as much warm bull as I can in exchange for a chance to rescue the kids.  
That in itself should create enough confusion to pull this off."

"And I'm just suppose to pretend I'm you through out the entire farce?"

"Sure matie, you can do it. You assisted me with every modification on both ships. I'm sure you could patch anything together, if something comes loose that is. Not that it will of course."

"I hope I can be more use than that."

"I guess we'll have to see about that there then. Won't we?"

"It sure seems that way," said Lister as he started climbing into Spanners' overalls. "I got one more question."

"Shoot."

"What's it like to wake up with Krissy every morning?"  
Spanners smiled. "Heaven. Pure and simple."  
Lister also smiled as quietly said; "Yea, I figured as much."


	67. Part 2 Chapter 41

Chapter 41  
The Start of the Cat Plan

" I sent Rimmer, the Cat, and the boys up on ahead, back to Red Dwarf." Lister explained. "I figured with Holly auto piloting the transport and me keeping tabs on Ace's evil self the Dwarf would be the safest place for them."

"Safest. Who the hell wanted to be safe monkey?" The Cat seemed to wake from his Lister induced nap and looked around at his surroundings. "No don't tell me I'm back on the big red garbage can. Somebody please shoot me."

Back on Red Dwarf Kryten and Rimmer had come back on line and were being filled in. "But if we have the Cat, isn't our mission here over?" Kryten asked. "Now we can return to the Femverse and return Jim and Bexly to their mother. Er father. Isn't that right mum." Addressing Ace.

"No can do my big metal palomino. It seems that my dubious alter ego is still very much a threat to Cat world and possible much much more. Now that he has the prototype dimension sled and his own drive. He could start by conquering Cat world and spread his evil throughout the cosmos."

"She's right. When I was dealing for the kids I heard their plans. They seem to have a lot of support due this Tabby legend. And that evil Ace dude is one mean son of a bitch." Said Spanners.

"He ain't just talking." The Cat said. "I for one will miss my little red kitten." He thought for a minute, smiled, then added, "and her little red bottom." The Cat's face changed, "But her dad was a real psycho. Jackets that tied behind the back certifiable. And don't let me get started on his smell."

"That's all very well and good, but I believe we still have a good chance."

"How's that?"

"Earlier it was explained to me that Lister here was the Cat people's, well god. Not just a look a like, but their actual god."

"So how does that help us?"

"Well if they're going to have the coronation that will give us only a few hours, but I think we're up to it."

"Up to what you liberated she hulk. I for one have no interest in helping out these uppity cats or help you pick a fight."

"Fine then Arnie old blub, you're counted out. Not to worry lads, he Dave, Spanners, Kryten and I can pull it off without to much of a fuss is how I see it."

"Why do you see it that way me old make up kit?" Rimmer asked.

"Well the way I see it they may have a prince return from a millennium or two ago, but what the smeg, to borrow your term, we've got their god and an understudy to boot. How can we miss?"

"But the Cat is here, Surely without him the coronation can't take place."

"You're right as rain there arnie me lad. I guess we'll just have to return the Cat."  
The Cat who had been preening in front of a mirror, and not paying attention, suddenly was. "Excuse me?" he said, his comb frozen in his hair.

"Sure, we'll drop you off and you can make up any old hoopla, they'll be  
so delighted that the coronation is still going on, no one will think to question your story."

The Cat had now turned around and faced the group. "Now let me get this straight. You just rescued me, and now you want to send me back? Am  
I being difficult or should I be ever so slightly concerned?"

"I thought you wanted to go back? You didn't want to leave earlier," said Lister.

"Sure that was then. This is now. I think they were putting something in my milk," he said as convincing as possible. "Besides, why do I have to go  
back?"

"Because my old lemon marang pie," Said Ace as she moved closer to the Cat. "We need to lure out my evil counter part, and stop his evil before it spreads any further. If we don't stop him now and he gets a hold on Cat World, with its resources and his technology... Right at this very minute he's probably figuring out the easiest and fastest way to make his dimension jumping technology more exact and on a wide scale." Ace got even closer to the Cat. "That's what I would do." She said to him, her face close to his. Then she moved away and addressed everyone.

"Come on old friend. We wouldn't put you at risk. We'll have you wired  
up so well we could trace you like a panty line on a tall gymnast who favored thongs."

The metaphor seemed to make the Cat's mind to leap to another thought. A thought which made him think of red smile from ear to ear. The Cat's eyebrows did a little dance and then he asked: "When do we launch?"

The scutters did most of the work rounding up the necessary garments and decorations that the posse would need to pull off Ace's plan. To transform Lister into Cloister, holiest of holy among the Cat people. She  
hoped this would dislodge the planets' current blind hero worship, long enough for Lister here to talk some common sense into them.  
The same cat's that allowed a small band of Outcats, and an evil Ace to corrupt their religion and use it against themselves. Hopefully in the end it would save them. Let's hope the irony isn't lost to future generations.


	68. Part 2 Chapter 42

Chapter 42  
Habitation Deck Corridor

"It all happened here," said Lister as he guided Rimmer to the exact spot and pointed at the floor with two half gloved palms up hands. "Right Here!" he said again to emphasize his point.

"Right here?" Questioned Rimmer. "On the habitation deck corridor? I find that hard to believe miladdo."

"Yea. I'm still having trouble believing it myself. But the facts don't lie."  
Lister's hand dipped into half unzipped biker leather and from within  
came a small purring noise, previously inaudible.

As Rimmer looked on THe Cat half danced half slinked onto the corridor.  
Dressed in his neon pink suit he came behind the two just in time to see the surprise that had awaited just under Lister's armpit.  
In Lister's gloved hand rested a small black purring Kitten.

"Who the heck is that" hollered the Cat, being uncomfortably confused never having seen a regular cat before, and held by Lister. Lister? Dog food face himself?

"Cat, I'd like you to meet Frankenstein," said Lister, and a wave of nausea overcame the Cat. He did nothing to hide his disgust.

"Your Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother.''  
At first the Cat refused to believe it. He wanted not to believe it,  
he wished not to believe it, but he had no choice.  
Really. He had to believe it.

A stronger wave of nausea swept over the Cat.  
He turned to say something, smiled, froze in place and promptly fell to the floor. Unconscious yet still sporting his famous long toothed smile.  
"Well he's taking it better than I thought he would." said Rimmer.

"Actually it's Frankenstein's sister." Finished Lister. Which sounded  
like a pun to a bad joke, but in the end would save quite a few lives.

"I couldn't actually go back in time and take Frankenstein herself."

"Why the hell not" said the Cat Who was already over his shock and was sitting up on the medi scan while Kryten examined him. Frankenstein's sister  
sat purring in his lap.

"Because of causality and effect. If I were to remove The original Frankenstein from the store from where my past self originally purchased  
him. My past self wouldn't have been able to buy Frankenstein, but would have been forced to purchase one of her siblings."

"Where as Lister would have saved quite probably that very kitten you have sitting in your lap miladdo." Rimmer intervened as he entered the medi bay,

" And you and your entire race would probably cease to exist.  
Which, I might also add, would save us a whole smeg of a lot of trouble." Why didn't I suggest that in the first place thought Rimmer. Sure it would cause the immediate erasure from history of all of the Cat people, but save old Arnie Rimmer a difficult time or two.  
When Arnold stopped pondering he realized that Kryten was talking  
to him.

"That's very astute of you sir. I think your finally coming to grips with what we're dealing with." Said Kryten while putting a bandage around the Cat's slightly damaged head.

"The Cat looked around at those around him and his eyes set on Lister's,  
or was he to start thinking of him as Cloister. Naw, that was just too weird to think about.

"There's only one thing I don't understand about any of this"

''What's that?"

"Everything."

"Look it's as plain as a bolivian pin up. You go back down and tell them you escaped and want to go through with the ceremony. While your party is  
telling them what a great thing the Prince Returneth and God shows up. Well so to speak" Rimmer thought for a moment, "Well Lister anyway dressed in the religious artifacts we found down in the ships hold."

"You think that'll really work, with Slate and Ace the mean son of a bitch bastard with them?" Questioned the Cat.

"Sure" Lister said and smiled, "And if that doesn't work don't worry."

"Why's that?"

"Because we got our own ace in the hole."


	69. Part 2 Chapter 43

Chapter 43  
Stasis Leaks

"Listey now that were out of range from the Cat I have a question or seventeen to ask you." Rimmer spoke through closed teeth as he followed Lister off the Habitation Deck Corridor and into their quarters.

"I want to know where you got that Cat."

"I thought it should have been obvious to you." He spoke over his shoulder as he sloppily poured milk into a bowl for the sister of Frankenstein.  
Who was mewing quite fanatically as feeding time was here.

"Yes it is quite clear," Rimmer addressed Lister to his face now that he had let the kitten drink and had started changing . "Unless somehow Madam Commander Rimmer has somehow managed to throw together a time machine from old bicycle parts, you've been down to floor seventeen  
haven't you."

"Well where else do you think I was going to find a three million year old genetic ancestor to the Cat race. On that ocean planet we passed three weeks ago?" Lister matching Rimmer's sarcasm.

"But we all agreed. No one is to use the Stasis Leak unless were all  
alerted to the matter. Then the ships senior officer makes a command decision."

At that moment Kryten waddled into the duos sleeping quarters, in the  
middle of their conversation.

"What's a stasis leak?" Kryten queried.

"It's something we discovered down on floor 17 while you were asteroid hopping." Lister pulled his red London Jets tee shirt over his head.

"It seems one of the stasis pods had a leak, and leaked into a time pocket."

"A time pocket Kryten repeated. A time pocket to when?"

"About six weeks before the radiation leak wiped out the crew."

"This is extraordinary. If possible, in the future, I would enjoy seeing  
the past again."  
Lister grunted in agreement and addressed Kryten. "Come on, we gotta go down and help the scutters load the bug." He turned to Rimmer and asked.

"OK?"

"No Kay. I say now that we have the Cat back, let's skidaddle away and leave things to their natural cause of events. Isn't their a space corps directive that suggests this action to us." Rimmer hesitated thinking. "No, actually commands us not to interfere."

"Is that true Kryten?"

"If it were, I'm sure that the chap that wrote that particular piece of literary genius couldn't foresee an alternate version of yourself, who's evil through and through, enslaving an inhabited planetoid. They plan on taking it on the road. I can't imagine that we would be commanded not to interfere."

"Well," Rimmer said. "I propose we look into this tid bit of necessary data. Study it. Perhaps for a few weeks. Then maybe we can hammer out a more sensible plan and be sure of what we should do."

Rimmer thought he had actually pulled it off.  
He had stated this eloquent argument as convincingly as possible,  
especially seeing that he had been stricken with a panic attack  
since early last Thursday, and it hadn't subsided for a moment.  
In fact if anything it had become worse. Lister's face was clearly unhappy.

"You know I was really hoping some of Ace would rub off on you." He thought about what he just said for a moment and smirked. "I'm sure you did too, although in this particular instance I think we're talking about different bits." Lister's small smirk faded. Lister spoke: "But no change at all. You're still a weak slimy sniveling coward through and through. After all you've seen with Ace and Spanners." Lister shook his head in disgust while Kryten helped him change into Cloister.

"You know the odds, you know what they're up against. They're counting on us."

Lister had finished changing his clothing and headed towards the door. But stopped short to finish a thought he originally wasn't going to share,  
perhaps his time with Spanners was making him more confident.

"We're helping save a civilization here man. Doesn't any of this mean anything to you?"

"Holly!" shouted Lister.  
Holly's image illuminated the monitor within their quarters.

"What's shaking Dudes?"

"Were going back down, have the scutters refuel the Bug,  
and send a squad to meet me by the cargo hold lift."

"Going back down?" Holly questioned sporting a new proxide blond bee hive hair du. "But you've only just arrived. You haven't had time for a nice hot cup of tea or anything."

"We've no choice. If we don't go back down all those cat people will suffer for the rest of their lives. I only hope Ace knows what she's doing.


	70. Part 2 Chapter 44

Chapter 44  
The Short Plan

The Cat was to be dropped off first. This would give Slate and his followers enough time to set up the ceremony as planned and draw out Rimmer's alternative evil self.

"We'll wipe out all the evil with one mighty wave of our proverbial righteous palm," is the way Rimmer's female alternative self put it.

The coordinance were furnished by Spanners, who was familiar with the encampment due to his recent stay. He lead the Cat on foot as close as he dared, pointed the general direction, and left the Cat to wander in the woods and be discovered by Slate's men, while he high tailed it back to reconnoiter with Starbug and it's crew.

With civil unrest and fighting throughout the outer regions of Cat City  
the coronation was to take place from a secret location. Once it was decided upon it was systematically leaked throughout Cat City's outer regions.  
Word among the followers of Tabby spread like fire throughout the kingdom and Cats from far and wide came to see for themselves the crowning of

Tabby the Fifth. The Prince Regent returns.  
If the Red Hats knew where the rebel base was they would pull troops from their current fortifications and launch a massive strike on their base. Stopping it at the core as it were. Their fear wasn't that the Cat would make such a great leader that the Red Hats themselves would be deposed. But  
most could sense the evil in which the Slate and his human comrade represented. If this coronation went through it would be the end of Cat  
World as they knew it. And they did not feel fine at all.

The Red Hats assumed they were still relatively safe for the time being. They controlled the airwaves and fed as much propaganda as they could through them. They could reach every Cat with these. The Outcats didn't,  
so they couldn't attain the wide spread mass appeal they would need to  
overthrow such a well established regimen overnight, as it were. At  
least that's what the Red Hats believed. They wouldn't know how wrong they were until it was too late.

Lister and Kryten accompanied Ace in the Starbug and did some recon of their own while Spanners guided the Cat to his destiny. Soon after collecting Spanners the final kinks in the plan were worked out.

"I couldn't manage the location of the coronation. I thought I could get closer but the wind was against us. I had to leg it or someone would have picked up my scent." Spanners said. "Sorry I couldn't find out more."

"Nonsense my old lemon tart." Ace Smiled a sexy smile, "you did stupendous. Besides while you were busy risking life and limb me and the boys went joy riding. Kryten tell him what we won."

"Won ma'am?" Kryten asked confused.

"What we found man." Lister helped as Kryten was still in syntha-shock  
from all his ordeals of late.

"Oh I understand now." Addressing Spanners now he said: "We discovered a energy source seventeen point three seven kilometers, due south by south west. Isn't that wonderful."

"Is it?" Asked Spanners.

"Not in itself it isn't." Said Lister. "But couple that with the flocking of scores of Cat people to the same place." Lister smiled at Kryten. "Then it's wonderful."

"Holly, anything on the local transmissions?"

"Nothing so far Dave. They seem to be doing a pretty good job of covering it up. At least on the telly."

"How long do you think we have Spanners?"

"It's hard to say. The plans I overheard were days ago. They might have been coded, or they might have changed them without the Cat present."

"No I don't think they would have. If this information isn't being spread  
via their local Cat City controlled mediums we can assume two things.

One: Cat City hasn't been attacked yet. If it had been it would be impossible to not mention it at all. And two: The information must be being spread by mouth. Cat to cat, so it can't be changed." Ace finished. "And now that they have the centerpiece back there would be no reason for them to change their time table.

The words fell from Spanners mouth deadpan and emotionless. As if he was telling someone the time. "Then we have three hours before the  
end of Cat World."

"Why's that Dave?"

"Because that's when the coronation is scheduled to take place."


	71. Part 2 Chapter 45

Chapter 45  
Evil Ace still Lurking About

"I don't know which would be worse to be trapped with for the rest of eternity." Rimmer was addressing Holly on the monitor in his new quarters.  
Officer's quarter. And why not, he deserved them. "Either of my alternative  
selves. It'd be like moving back home again." Rimmer shuttered at the thought.

"Except with my brother John in drag of course."

"Arnold, I hate to interrupt you but this is not a therapy counter. If there  
is nothing specific you want, I was planning on monitoring the local action to see if the away team needs any back up." Said Holly.

"Back up, what kind of back up could you possibly provide?"

"Well if I had to I could foul up local transmissions."

"You mean like military communications and that sort?"

"No I was talking about the local TV broadcasts."

"How on Io is that going to provide back up?" Rimmer questioned.

"Well if everyone's telly all go at once the populace won't know what to do.  
Most of them are so transfixed by the TV, that when it's denied, civil unrest  
will soon follow."

"Are you serious?"

"Naw. They'll probably just go out and rent a video."

"Intriguing theory." A voice said that sounded vaguely familiar to Rimmer.  
Rimmer froze. Out of a mouth he had no control over he asked:

"Who's there?" Knowing all to well who the voice must belong to.

"I wondered how long it would take? Completely deprive a media based culture for say seventy two hours and all hell would break loose." The voice said, talking to itself musing the idea over.

From the outside corridor the voice's owner walked through the forever open doors of the white officers quarters Rimmer now occupied.  
It was the Ace of Black hearts Rimmer, and in his gauntlet he held  
a small remote control unit to the Hologramatic simulation suite and pressed a button. Two things happened. Holly's screen went blank, and Rimmer crashed to the floor.


	72. Part 2 Chapter 46

Chapter 46  
The Rhodian

"The Rhodian was fastest most efficient ship of it's time. Legend has it that it was captained by Hannibal himself years before he and his troops camped outside of the Capital itself. The Romans finally captured this amazingly swift craft and based their entire fleet on it's design. I thought the name only fitting."

"There's one minor flaw in your plan Black Heart. There isn't a fleet of them, only the one."

"Not yet there isn't. You see I don't really plan on settling down and ruling Cat World, I have a much larger scope on things." Looking off into something unseen. "One might even say a multi dimensional scope."  
He knew that since the villain was explaining, in gruesome detail, his plan for conquest, Rimmer was in fact doomed.

"The only thing these mad crazed alternative evil versions of your selves like more than killing helpless prisoners is the sound of their own voice." Rimmer had to keep him talking.

The only question that now remained in his mind was, what was less  
painful; drawn out torture by way of his alternative self hacking into the hologramatic simulation suite's computers and when he bores of that destroying his light bee while his conscience reside it. Like dying all over again. Or continuing to listen to the rantings and ravings of a madman and knowingly help him destroy everyone one who gets in his evil twisted way.  
Including his friends. His cowardliness won out. As always.

"Please go on Mr. Black Hearts sir. I find your genius only slightly more  
admirable than the very sound or your voice." OK. Maybe that was laying it on a bit thick, Rimmer thought. But so was Ace when it came to matters of his own ego. It was like that to Rimmer himself he reasoned. It had to be with this Ace. Hadn't it?

When the evil Ace breached the security days earlier and kidnapped the boys, Holly's mainframe was added to. By the intruder himself. The virus  
program he force fed Holly would later render Ace and his craft invisible  
to Holly's monitors, even with Spanners upgrades. Allowing him to come and go as he pleased.

Rimmer had intended to allow his captor to ramble on inexhaustible  
until he was somehow liberated. He had hoped that it wasn't his female  
counterpart who personally rescued him. But as time went by, and his captor's continued berating and irritating voice was getting to him. So much  
in fact that even the prospect of being saved by his female alternative self was looking good. As well as good looking.

"Why did you come back?" Rimmer asked truly befuddled. "What's in it for you."

"Come on maggot, don't you have any brains at all? Isn't it obvious?"  
Rimmer slowly shook his head left to right and answered. "No, it isn't."

"Well try this on for size my moronic counterpart. I let your shipmates  
escape. You see it seems her Spanners was one up on mine. Mine didn't set me up with a light bee, as a just in case precautionary measure. If I buy the proverbial farm, there is no free ball." He paused. "Like the ones you two received."  
It took Rimmer all of thirty seconds to start to grasp his meaning. When  
he did he looked up at at his evil twin with a slightly mad glare in his left eye.

"You want her light bee." Said Rimmer as though he was answering a rhetorical question.

"So, your not as dumb as you seem. Now tell me why I want hers and yours just won't do."

"Well aside from the obvious," Rimmer started. "Hers is more," he hesitated,

"more flexible?"  
"Not exactly the word I would have used, but it can be used to fit the bill.  
Hard was the word I was looking for. You see when I stumbled on her last time she almost had it. With the aid of your robot." The evil Ace turned away from his captive.

"It makes sense now, really. Even if you did conquer a galaxy or two you'd have only so long as his luck and health held out. But with a hard light bee, you would become virtually immortal, without the drawbacks of a soft light bee. And with a fleet of dimension jumping sleds, and a planet of Cat men to pilot them at your disposal."

Ace chimed in "Coupled with an inter dimension calculating device that I've been fiddling with, which would allow the pilots to navigate their way into a specific dimension and return home with scouting information. Where I would eventually attack and conquer the most plentiful."

Rimmer spoke as if he were alone; "You'd become unstoppable." Then looked up at his twin. Who smiled back at him.

"God your pathetic." Said the evil bastard. "It took me less time to plan this inter dimensional conquering party than it did for you to grasp it."

"I do so hate to rant and run my alternative goit, but I have from you what I want, and there is yet one more version of myself that I have to collect  
things from. But before I leave I'd like to give you a parting gift."

"That's really not necessary. I didn't get you anything."

"Oh but I insist," said the black hearted fiend, and dropped a small  
device in Rimmer's lap then headed for the door. He turned before he was completely through the doorway.

"If you're wondering what that little piece of machinery is, it's a Cylibirion electrofish."  
With that the creature came to life and started crawling up the back of the holo-chair that Rimmer was tied to. With very strong holo-rope.

"I understand that I may not fully enjoy the answer to this question but I will ask it none the less;"  
Ace answered the question before it was asked. "It eats power," he finished. Smiled an evil smile and walked out of the room.

Rimmer looked down and squinted through his hologramatic chest to see his light bee hovering stationary at his center. About three inches from the back of his chair on which the creature was still climbing upward.  
Quite suddenly the green caterpillar like creature produced a small horn and

shot a web at Rimmer's light bee. Which he discovered with shock and dismay that effects of the holorope also included his bee. When the creature  
started ascending it's strand of webbing, Rimmer said, "oh smeg," and blacked out.


	73. Part 2 Chapter 47

Chapter 47  
Ace Saves Everyone

With the ceremony scarcely an hour away Slate's men, under Ace's  
careful supervision, had a bit of a do-it-yourself video transmission station in place. With a multi camera feed, special effects board and everything.  
Once the cameras came to life, in an instant everything would change. The cue was to be given by Ace himself and all of Cat world would be forced to watch the crowning of the Tabbies' new King. Or suffer a fate far worse than uncoolness. Having to go the night without watching the Telly.

Many would denounce it.

Many would be for it.

Many wouldn't care.

"When the broadcast has ended you'll give the order for our supporters take up arms all over Cat world. Simultaneously." Ace smiled a cocky smile.

"We'll overthrow each city from within while their troops are scattered, searching for us." Putting on his sunglasses: "Smoke me a kipper, the revolution will be televised."

"Yes the Red Hats army will be tryng to pinpoint our location." Slate stated more realistically. "For the military to pinpoint the transmission source and destroy it." He turned. "It makes my fur itch, all this waiting and subterfuge."

"But they'll never find it you old bastard. I've made damn sure of that."  
Only the mad and twisted mind of Arnold the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer  
could have conceived of such a diabolical ploy. Using something in everyone's home for such propaganda purposes. Who but a sick mind could envision such a plan? And he would see it off personally. No matter how many innocents he has to kill.

Currently the crew was doing sound checks and the gathered crowd was being entertained by jugglers and fire eaters, while vendors sold food and drinks from little stalls that conveniently pop up where ever social events happen to take place. Get a good music fest on the unhippest planet in the solar system Uranus, and somehow food and t-shirt dealers will be their before the warm up bands arrive.

Char broiled small fuzzy creature on a stick was always popular. So were Cat nip stands, which always had what you were looking for.  
Not to mention all the vendors which served various grades of milks and creams. Many of the Cat people wore t-shirts with images and slogans of the day.

"Hell No We Tabbies Won't Go." "There's one thing I like more than torturing small furry creatures and that's KIng Tabby the Fourth." And of course: "My parent's went to the coronation of King Tabby the Fourth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Ace's original plan was based on the information that the coronation was slated for sometime after nightfall. Now it looked as though it would come about much sooner. The trick was not to make their move until the cameras were transmitting. If they crashed the party too soon it would never be transmitted and that just wouldn't do.

To insure optimum timing Holly was again monitoring the local video  
transmissions. Which had returned to it's regularly scheduled programming, The Flintstones.

When the pirate transmission started, Holly would signal Kryten, via his com link and the mechanoid would tell the others it was show time. "It had to be at the height of the coronation for optimum effect," Ace said. Eventually over time all but Holly understood television and timing.

"I just can't get my head around it," he explained, but agreed to watch the cartoons just the same.

Lister sat in the cargo bay of the transport dressed in the full robes of Cloister the Stupid. He had already been wearing the get up longer than the entire mission would take.

"Hell if we had started the smegging thing at lunch time, it'd be over by now," he complained. "I'm beginning to think this whole thing was a big mistake, and seriously sweat. Spanner can you turn down the thermostat? It's hotter than a kitchen oven on Christmas day in here," Lister sweated, sitting at a generator console holding his golden donut hat in his hand .  
Spanners accompanied Lister, sporting his familiar overalls. His job was simple: Keep Lister alive. He remembered their briefing with Ace.

"It can be mighty difficult if our God return didn't return on cue old  
pudding. Make sure he gets to the coronation on time, and watch his back."  
She stopped, looked at Spanners and winked; "At all times. He'll be especially vulnerable when he's making his speech."

The words echoed in Spanners head and caused him to look at his watch again. "Less then an hour until sunset, Holly any sign of a break in the transmission?"

Holly who was so engrossed in the latest episode, he almost completely ignored the question. When he finally did respond it was: "Was that a chock ice you wanted Dave?"

Some distance off, as not to arouse local security, cloaked in a cloak of invisibility, Starbug Three was perched on a hill. If the natives could see the transport vehicle, it would look like a bad special effect in a cheap sci-fi  
giant insect thriller.

Regular patrols were kept by small troops of Tabbies, usually lead by one of Slate's Outcats. Spanners and Kryten had whipped up a little something to disguise the scent of themselves and the craft from these security patrols.

"It's mostly made from cat urine, and it smells like it, but it works." Spanners explanation didn't help, and consequently the craft had the strange odor of litter box to it.

"What I want to know is where that evil Ace escaped to. What if his craft were somehow disabled and he couldn't dimension jump?" Spanners had queried earlier.

"What exactly are you getting at old friend?"

"His craft was in pretty bad shape from the hits I personally saw it take.  
Coupled with the fact that without the proper equipment it would be damn hard for me to do the repairs required for that craft to be dimension jump  
worthy."

Although somehow she managed to convince Spanners and the others that her alternative evil self was of no concern currently, she couldn't quite convince herself. So when the boys were ready in the cargo bay helping Holly monitor the local video transmissions and waiting for the show to begin, Ace decided now was the time when her and Kryten would finish what they started before.  
Locked in the cockpit of the ship Ace advanced on Kryten.

"Kryten," Ace Called. "Command One Delta Niner, sub command zed one one one three seven. Open files marked H134 through HH199."

As Kryten did this he became immobile and his pupils took the shape  
of a small brown owls'. The eyes and tales moved in unison, though in opposite directions, as the files unfolded in his synthetic brain.  
Ace again drew a lead out of Kryten's head and plugged it into Starbug's transmission console. As she did this she couldn't help getting a certain feeling of De ja vu. She quickly checked over all the security monitors.  
When she was satisfied all was secure Ace opened a small, voice command wall safe, which she had Spanners install as part of the ships modifications. A panel slid open revealing a small transistor looking device. As this happened the owls fled from Kryten's eyes, and motion again entered his body. "All files open Ms. Ace Mum."

"Kryten my old banana cream pie, I'm now going to have to ask you to bypass a few circuits and get very personal and very physical with me."  
She peered into the mechanoids synthetic eyes. "Are you up for it?"  
Kryten felt as though he were a young girl on a date and being asked to  
do things that might be compromising to herself, society and to her pants.  
"I'm in all the way mum." Kryten chirped and smiled. "Right to the end,"  
he added.

"Good. Now I want you take this device," she nodded to the open panel,

"out of it's hiding place and do as I say. Is that clear?"

"Clear as glass that I had just spent the afternoon cleaning with my Jiffy Windo-Kleen."

"Good. Then we can begin." She said with a nasty smile on her face.  
Ace would be forever changed by this encounter between these two  
synthetic life forms.

Twenty seven minutes and a wisp o' smoke later, and it was over. Ace  
Rimmer was a new woman. Capable of things she had never been capable of before. Kryten, through Ace's instructions, had successfully converted her soft light light bee into a hard light light bee. Now she would have a physical presence, she wasn't half a woman any more. Her pleasure and pain responses were the same as a living ones', with the added bonus that she was virtually invulnerable.

While Kryten was still off line Ace flipped the switch on the security  
monitors and noted that the transmission hadn't started yet. "Good," she thought. "I'd hate to miss the fire works." Momentarily reeling in the grandeur of this new hurdle leapt she looked skyward through the crafts' moon roof.  
At that moment it hit her.  
Why she couldn't get a reading on her double. She had been secretly scanning the planet shortly after Spanners had explained his doubts. But he wasn't on the planet. He was in space. Working on a satellite relay for the broadcast.

When Kryten came back on line there was a message waiting for  
him. "Play message," he said.

It was Mrs. Ace Mums' face on the screen. "Kryten I think I've located  
my alternative self. He should be in orbit, probably manning a satellite relay station himself. No doubt waiting for me. Hate to disappoint him so I've taken one of the escape pods and gone after him."

"Don't worry about me our little experiment ended rather well. Take care of the boys for me. I'll try be back before the ceremony starts. If I'm not proceed without me. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.


	74. Part 2 Chapter 48

Chapter 48  
Ace vs Ace in Space

Tithered by an incredibly thin tither, to a relatively small satellite, as far as satellites go, five miles above Cat World's equator, a charred blackened craft hovered weightless above the unsuspecting world. So small are they that below all are unaware of the evil which looms over their unexpecting heads.  
A Television satellite, controlled by a madman. What could be more insidiously evil? One might ponder.

With the aid of this metallic monstrosity, the same lies could be spread throughout Cat world virtually instantaneously. Ace of black hearts Rimmer would soon use this fiendish device to gain the trust of the Cat race. Within months he would turn them into soldiers of evil for his own sinister purposes.

"Sixteen minutes to show time," he read aloud from his ships console. It was at this time he noted the discrepancy on his monitors, but ignored it all the same.

Four minutes later he had started to grow impatient. He had expecting something, but so far nothing. Adjusting his position for the seventh time he caught a glimmer of light that should have not been where it was.  
Flipping an illuminated switch on the console the ship's canopy unsealed and started to rise. The atmosphere within his ship silently hissed out into space, and Ace soon found himself approaching the small satellite making sure to keep the device between, himself and the gleam. Cautiously moving forward Ace controlled his packs thrust with his left hand as his right moved towards the villain's hip. And holster.

In orbit around Cat world two opposing forces were about to collide, for  
a second time. The first time our heroine had fallen dead to the greater evil. If she falls this time, things will become worse. Much worse.

Aboard Red Dwarf a small electronic caterpillar like creature unsuitably named the electro- fish was about to have its first decent meal in a long time. Inches away from Arnold J. Rimmer's most prized possession, his light bee, soft, the electro-fish opened its small mouth into an impossibly  
large mouth. With an even more amount of, dare we say it? We dare; Impossible teeth. All gleaming and razor sharp anticipating ripping through the bee's flimsy housing. Revealing its vulnerable interior. Then finally feeding.

Or at least this is what Rimmer told himself. Truth to tell he hadn't been able to look in the direction of the electro-fish since he first saw it. He couldn't risk losing consciousness.

So Rimmer had spent the last twenty minutes trying to act as casual as possible, without looking in the direction of the fish. Consequently noting various things in his quarters. Once again he yelled out, "Holly." But to no avail, the wall monitor remained black.

What went through Rimmer's mind now was that he was about to bite it, again. For the second time in two years. What unbelievable luck. And the thing that made it more the worse was that he hated this room.  
As he was contemplating all the rooms he had ever been forced to endure  
he realized this one ranked as possibly the lowest. It was small, it was dirty, its was dreary and it smelled like Jim and Bexley's diaper pail.

"If I ever manage to come out of this dead, and in one piece, I'm moving into better quarters." He thought to himself. Fear hovering all about he was contemplating all the rooms on the ship which he could inhabit. Then he felt it.

At first it wasn't big. Just a sort of tingle from the center of his being. Then it seemed to spread through him, little by little. When he finally realized what was happening he knew he must dare another look in the direction of the parasite. Rimmer steeled himself, his face filled with twisted fear he slowly craned it in the direction of his would be devourer.

When he did, he wished he hadn't. The electro-fish had built a small cocoon around itself, and now that it was comfortable, it was ready to feed. Slowly  
drawing out energy from Rimmer's light bee the cocoon glowed with a metallic blue light. And consequently Rimmer himself had started to become transparent. He screamed one word:  
"Hooooooolllllyyyyyyyy!"

Back on Cat World in the Cargo hold of Starbug Three, three viewers  
noticed a certain amount of interference with the video signal they were receiving. At first there was a little snow. Then the snow would disappear  
and the image would acquire a ghost, haunting the image and viewers alike.

"Holly?" Lister yelled. "What's wrong with the picture man?"

"I think it's started." Answered Spanners. "Call the cockpit, see if their receiving it too." He looked at Dave, "Let's make sure it's not some local interference. I'd hate to drop in early."  
Lister nodded in agreement.

Slowly emerging from the escape pod she borrowed, Ace, who in her hard light form didn't require a space suit but wore one none the less, started for the satellite. When she reached it she looked for an access panel, but soon discovered it was on the opposite side. The side on which her malevolent alternative version most assuredly occupied.

Seemingly. Her plan was to disable the satellite and be off for Red Dwarf before she was discovered and drawn into a battle with her doppleganger. Time was now of the essence because she now knew that the Evil Ace had already been aboard Red Dwarf. And that it may already be too late to save Arnold Rimmer, her other double, with which she shared even less with.  
Grabbing hold of the silvery cylindrical device she moved crab like over it, mimicking the objects slow rotation, though in the opposite direction, searching for an access panel. This was how the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer found her. With her golden back silhouetted against the silver of the satellite.

"Almost made to order," he said as he slipped the safety catch on his laser pistol. Taking aim through his helmet, with one eye cocked against the pistol's sight, he drew a bead on the very center of her back. Smiled.  
Then squeezed the trigger.

"No, I'm receiving it too," answered Kryten, his face super deformed within the cargo bay's small monitor. "Although I can't pinpoint it's origin."

"What's Ace think of it?" Asked Spanners.

"Mrs. Ace mum available not at the present moment Mr. Spanners Sir."

"What do you mean she's not available," snapped Lister. "She's a hologram. How can she not be available?"

"Well sir, to put it exact, she's not presently on the ship."

"Not presently on the ship?" Spanners looked at Lister as he said it.  
Kryten quickly explained about the experiment and played the note. He said he assumed that the transmission interference was indeed due to Mrs. Ace mum's interference.

"Lister can you get a reading on either Ace or the escape pod?" Spanners questioned.

"Nothing in range Mr. Lister Sir."

"I don't like this." Said Spanners.

"Come on don't sweat it. If Ace has converted her light bee into a hard light bee, and has the element of surprise on her side." Spanners paused: What could stop her?"

"I guess your right. Ace is doing her part." Lister picked up his golden donut hat and place it on his head. "And it's about time I did mine.

"Well then, if you're up to it, let's get Cinderella to the ball."

"Besides it's Ace. What could happen?"

Passing within inches of Arnie's helmet and consequently the satellite which she was currently dancing with, the shot exploded meters away in a red and yellow fiery burst.

"The explosion seemed too large for a hand weapon," she thought. But not for a exploding escape pod. Unable to verify this due to more pressing matters at hand, she assumed she'd have to manage a ride home on her own.

"Ma'am would you kindly take your golden butt off my rather expensive entertainment center." The voice carried across the vacuums of space in the form of radio waves, and broadcast out of Arnie's helmet speaker.

"Can't do that my old adversary. You should know better."

"That last shot was meant as a warning. Now get off the machinery," said the evil Ace who was between the satellite and his craft.  
Ace still crabbed her way slowly across the rotating cylinder of death,  
now closer than ever to her goal.

"Come on old lemon tart, I think I've a pretty good handle on your kind and you don't seem like one to fire warning shots. Unless of course you want me taken alive for some nefarious scheme." She smiled ever so slightly knowing it would be wasted. "Either way handsome, if you want me, you gotta come and get me."

Ace was on Ace as soon as he could be. Both knowing full well that out here in the cold vacuum of space victory for one most likely meant a quick and sloppy death for the other.  
Hitting the forward thrust button on his jet pack Ace blasted towards his double traveling at reckless speed. That is reckless for anyone who wasn't Ace Rimmer.

His target, still clinging to the slow rotating satellite had finally convinced the recently discovered access panel to come loose. Holding on with one hand she aimed, and throwing it not unlike a ninja throwing star,  
knew it would hit its mark, and went back to work.  
The flat panel seemed to moved in slow motion and was more like a stationary object, in regard to the oncoming body. Although not causing any damage to his pack the projectile struck the acceleration control, and pushed its limit. The dark Ace silently blasted out of control, past Ace and the satellite.

When Ace did finally manage to regain control of his projection, he was almost two miles from the other Ace and more importantly, his craft. He immediately set out to rectify this situation.

When he appeared on the scene again, his adversary was again crab like on the satellite, now seemingly studying its interior. Without a warning shot this time Ace hit his opponent full on, his jet pack on half speed, knocked her clear of the hardware, and now both were hurtling towards Ace's craft.  
Ace realized her adversary's plan was to crush her between his shoulder, which currently rested on her ribcage, and his relatively large and definite stationary ship. Would she remain conscience through that with her new hard light body? She thought. If she didn't she and all below would be doomed.

Twisting herself to distract, her hand snaked along her body, found the button it was looking for and depressed it.

Her own jet pack fired up and both were thrown off their current course and more or less towards the planet below. Trying to struggle free, while at the same time trying to hold on, both groped at the other. Which seemed a lot like playing with themselves. But not as much fun.

Kicking free of a choke hold that he was in and managing a little breathing room he said: "So you seemed to have taken care of that little problem . Glad to see all worked out ." Then he smiled and unbenounced depressed a button of his own.

"Come a little closer you black hearted fiend, and I'll show you  
how glad I am that it worked out." She teased.

All too quickly Ace made for his ship. He had waited until he was in position before he broke her clutch. Blinded her with a flash from his jet pack and was off. In her new form she was too much for him, and this pleased him a great deal. For he had plans for that hard body of hers.

Ace was climbing into his cockpit before she could see again. Having no choice, she made a run for it. Maneuvered herself around the satellite she  
quickly noted her handy work, and concentrated on drawing Ace away from it. Feeling confident that the satellite was in working order, she smiled a small smile to herself.


	75. Part 2 Chapter 49

Chapter 49  
The End of an Ace

Ace first tried a glancing pass at the golden figure in his sights, she easily avoided it. The third pass ended the same. But on the fourth, he lifted early and almost fried her and the satellite both. Though she remained unharmed, she had been thrown clear of her anchor and shield. Also to her dismay her jet pack was dangerously low on fuel. At some point It had been punctured.

Through playing and with a clear shot, he was going to make it count. First he flipped a switch that engaged the satellite, and every  
television on Cat World was at his disposal. Then he signaled to the planet below. "All's clear here. You are go for transmission. Ace out."

Floating in her space suit she heard all this via her com link. Knowing this was the end, she started working on a plan. Even floating in space as long as she could think, she wasn't helpless.

Finally ready he depressed an illuminated button that unraveled his net and steered towards his intended victim. Slowly he made his way towards her.

Back on the surface Spanners and Lister, still in his Cloister garb, had  
joined Kryten in the ships mid section. All were enjoying a nice hot cup of tea, and a plate of triangular cut cucumber sandwiches when the transmission of the Flintstones quickly altered. The audio was a mix of a garbled crowd, and feedback could be sensed more than heard.

The universal: "We interrupt the following programming to bring you this live transmission." Fading in and out the image eventually decided on a crowded amphitheater over flowing with Tabby followers. Many wearing the traditional blue hat colors. The ground team knew this was their cue.  
Airborne within minutes, the cloaked Starbug made its way to the broadcasts' origin. While running in stealth mode Holly and Kryten managed  
to unload Spanners and Lister atop a rather high and inaccessible  
tower located behind the amphitheater, overshadowing it.

"OK mate, this is your big moment," said Spanners. "Don't be nervous."

"Sure that's easy for you to say. You don't have to go out there and  
convince a world you're their god." Lister spoke tensely as he adjusted the miniature microphone hidden within his ceremonial garb. This would allow the hovering Starbug to amplify it a couple of dozen decibels.  
Aboard the cloaked bug Holly started his light show. This was in the form of a small but effective display of fireworks and colored spotlights, just to get every bodies' attention, you understand.

Some miles above Ace dodged Ace's net again. Each time using up precious fuel. A red light illuminated on her jet pack's small console, at this rate it would only be a matter of time.

Ace was turning his ship around for another pass when Ace realized it was now or never. Unfortunately it meant testing an untested theory. Simply put, could her hard light body survive the cold vacuums of space, without a space suit? She had calculated this earlier, but there was too little information for the computers to go on for accurate results.

Her resolve was made when it became a no choice option situation. She was out of fuel. Holding the breath that she didn't need, she unsealed her helmet.

When the Black hearted Ace was again in position he noted his prey's  
lack of mobility. He could clearly see the gold of her space suit, but the details were blurred by the reflection of the satellite's glare. He hit his thrusters up a notch or two.

Checking with his ship's security camera he confirmed his catch.  
Although the weightlessness of space made it almost unnoticeable to the  
ships maneuverability. With his alternative version safely caught in his ships snare, Ace again docked with his satellite.

Noting that an access housing had been removed from his device he thought it prudent to check it out personally. "Never know what a woman's up to. "

He also wanted to gloat over his caught adversary, who now must be hopelessly entangled in his net of constriction, who had answered none of his recent taunts. "Poor form old sport," he thought and unlatched his  
ship's canopy.

Ace was on Ace the moment his feet cleared his cockpit. Wearing nothing but her flight suit, white turtle neck, sunglasses, and jet pack she managed to hit the black hearted fiend a dozen times before he could react in his clumsy space suit. When she was convinced she had him in an unbreakable hold she pressed her mouth to his helmet and hoped the vibrations of her voice could be audible from within.

"Games over now lad, time to give someone else a turn," she said and maneuvered Ace into the very netting that was meant for her. It's constricting tentacles coiled tightly around her abandoned space suit.  
Shortly after she was in the cockpit of Ace's ship and was heading  
back to Red Dwarf.


	76. Part 2 Chapter 50

Chapter 50  
The Return of Cloister

Ace Rimmer stood silhouetted in the dimming evening sun, some miles off from the coronation grounds, watching the events through a small pair of field glasses. Her escape pod had been badly damaged, but was still intact  
She was able to convince it for one last trip, almost.  
Crash landing some distance away from the action she could do little to help.

"It's up to the boys now," she said allowed, and started moving towards the action.

Behind a partition, on a large tower high above the amphatheater where The Cat was minutes from being coronated, Spanners watched Lister. With Ace's words echoing in his head he removed a rad pistol from his overalls and started changing his clothes.

On the other side of the partician wearing the sacred donut, golden sausage and all the robes befitting Cloister the Stupid, Lister stood sweating profusely. One hundred and fifteen feet below a lake of cats swarmed. Their eyes and all the eyes of Cat World, via satellite, watched the coronation cerimony. When it was at its height, and The Cat was moments away from being crowned King Tabby the Fourth Lister exclaimed:

"Halt! Commands Cloister!" His words reverberated across the vast amphitheater thanks to an acoustics trick courtesy of Spanner.  
All turned when they heard the words from above. A spotlight via Starbug started making its way towards Lister.

"Look!"  
Lister's silhouette grew in detail as a local spotlight's beam crossed the other. Slowly both worked their way over Lister's robes and finally to his face. The cameramen scanned the tower.

"It's Him!" a woman's voice shouted.

"He's returned!" agreed another. A sudden roar broke out fom the crowd  
as all started talking and yelling at once. Despite their mouths moving their  
heads stayed in place. All eyes were now firmly planted on Lister.  
The Cat, formerly of the JMC'S ship, Red Dwarf, was not pleased to say the least. Nor were his more devoted followers of the inner circle.  
Currently they were trying to convince the crowd in the local vicinity of the stage via their truncheons that Cloister wasn't there.

Lister spoke again. "The Cat you see before you is a fraud, he has been duped by those around him into believing this false prophecy."  
As the words false prophet murmured over the crowd, the mood had suddenly changed. Quit drastically.  
One of the Cat's disciples grabbed a mic and started shouting

"Don't believe him he's a fraud. Tabby is our true leader"  
Cloister the stupid pointed his robed hand at the shouting disciple. With that the disciple exploded, those local to him were covered in fur. Not another cat made a sound. Slate and the Out cats started moving off the stage as quickly and inconspicuosly as possible.  
Cloister continued:

"This creature you see before you on the stage isn't your exiled leader, coming to lead you a new. It is true his parents were exiled, but not for their beliefs. It's because he was a jelly brain." Lister hesitated looking for the right word. "You know Noodle doodle, Other saw this and knew his offspring would be crap. He is more interested in waxing his crotch than what the people want."

"If you are looking for a leader, a cat that can take you into a new millennium." then look no further than your own local councils. They work and live among you. Who but they, besides your selves could possibly know what's right for you." Lister tried to look as solemn as possible. Because he was sincere.

A voice, this time one Lister recognized asked,"What is to be done with the fraud and his people?"

"He is to be sent back from whence he came."  
There was a rumble among the crowd.  
A crack of lightning filled the sky as the shock of thunder filled the hearts of all who were gathered in this open air stadium.

"From whence he came!" shouted Lister.  
One of the outcats had managed to move into position and squeezed off a shot before Spanners was able to stop him. Lister took a shot in the right shoulder, which slammed him into the partition behind him. Lister was unconscious before he hit the ground.

"Kryten we need more lightning and we need it bad man!" Spanners hollered into his communicator.

"Coming right up Mr. Lister Sir."

Then another flash, all courtesy of Kryten circling above in the cloaked Starbug. When the lightning bursts subsided Spanners was standing in LIster's place, dressed in the robes of Cloister the Stupid.  
The crowd went wild. "It's him! It's him! You can't hurt him! It's Cloister!  
It's Cloister!"

Moments later his voice again filled the air.

"You may do as you please with the Outcats." The thousands of Cats needed no more prodding than that. The Outcats more or less were torn apart, but the Cat himself was separated from them. His royal garments were torn from him as he was man handled onto a small escape pod and unceremoniously shot into space.

In the upper stratosphere Starbug one was waiting to intercept the pod.  
When the Cat entered the ship he was met with four sets of contemptuous stares.

"And what's your problem monkey. You got your way and I got nothing. I had all my hearts' desire."

"Come off it," said Rimmer. "You were being duped. A stooge. And you knew it."

"Sure I know all that. But did you see the wardrobe they furnished for me. It crossed an international dateline,'' the Cat ignoring the four identical frowns.

"When it was Thursday for my shirts it was Saturday for my socks."  
Ace Rimmer of the FemVerse said, "Come on old fruitcake, you know in the end you wanted our plan to work. Hell I bet you even had something to do with having Lister shot. Knowing we had a replacement ready."  
The Cat didn't answer Ace at first, but slinked up to where she was standing, and placed a furred hand on hers.  
"Maybe you're right Ace babe. Perhaps you and I could go back to my quarters and discuss how I helped?"

Ace instinctively changed the grip on the Cat's hold, into one of her own. The Cat's wrist was now twisted in a way that forced him to his knees.

"Now now old chum, we wouldn't want to mistake me for one of your hand maidens would you?"

"Ow! No no of course not. I only wanted to be your friend."

"Mister Cat sir." Interjected Kryten. "Somehow don't you feel richer in a way you couldn't possibly have understood. Enlightened knowing that even though you were forced, you did the right thing and set your people free."  
Ace let the Cat up and he walked up to address Kryten.

"You know, novelty condom head, sometimes you have a real grasp on the situation." The Cat smiled, "and then there's now."

"Come on gang, no use squabbling over mispoured dairy products. All this chin wagging isn't getting Davie Boy and his two not so little ones back home safe and sound in their own dimension," announced Ace.

"Let's get the proper coordinents from my ship the Wildfire and get you lads cracking. Arnie see if you can raise Holly. She should be able to make contact as soon as we re-enter the omnivores."

"Krytis old man,"Ace said as she put her arm around the mechanoid "I couldn't think of another more qualified than you in the cockpit when were in transition."  
Ace's praise ceased Kryten's guilt chip glow allowing it to cool down to an operating temperature.

"Right a way Miss' Ace Mum," as Kryten scurried off into the cockpit.  
When he got there he said, "What a gal."

The Cat wasn't to be found and Lister was found in the medibay. The stasis fields that Kryten had set up around the boys was still holding. The boys would be older then he'd originally planned to deliver them. But still young enough to have a lot of life left in them.

Back in the Wild Fire Ace Rimmer fetched The coordinents from his ships' computer and then sent them to the Starbug. While the figures were being sent over Rimmer noticed a familiar calculation. A smile drifted over her supple lips. Maybe she could save two lives with one trip. "Won't know if the waters cold until you dive in Ace me old buckaroo, she thought and fired up her ship.


	77. Part 2 Chapter 51

Chapter 51  
Spanner's Fate

"Well now it seems you've made up for any foolish misconduct before you arrived here."

"Yea I guess your right." Spanners answered. "But what do I do now. Can I possibly find my way home throughout all the infinite universes that lay out there."

"I don't think it's going to be as hard as it looks," Ace said with a smile.

"How's that Ms. Ace mum?" Questioned Kryten.

"Not to take away any of the evil that my dark doppleganger seemed to have had in ample supple. But from what I've pieced together he seemed to be quite a clever chap."

"How do you figure that my old vomit bucket? Rimmer asked.

"Actually Arn, it was you that clued me in. When you explained his plan for taking over the cosmos. Dimension by dimension."

"Vaguely."

"Well for the nasty fiend to make this plan a reality he would have to be able to get he and his troops to and from a specific dimension. Regularly. It wouldn't work if he get his troops back. Some kind of homing devise  
I did find these before his base self-destructed." Ace pulled  
three computer discs from her breast pocket. "It seems that he was on his way to cataloging the whole of the dimensional cosmos. With the help of a  
Time Sled fitted with one of these homing devices."

"How's that going to help old dog food faces ugly twin brother get home?"  
Questioned the feline.

"If we're able to analyze the data on these discs we should be able to  
calculate the last dimension Spanners' ship occupied."

"You talking about my dimension." Spanners said eagerly, a grin breaking for his face.

"And with that homing device, we should be able to use the data to guide his ship back to his home dimension," finished Lister.

"Ms. Ace Mum," Kryten asked pointing to Jim and Bexly both within the  
makeshift stasis booth. "Is there any information on those discs  
to help aid our Mr. Lister get his boys back to their rightful dimension?"

"Too early to know yet Krytus old friend. But when we get back up to the small rouge one I'm sure the lot of us will be able to sauce it out.  
Sound like a water tight scheme to you chaps?"  
All seemed to think so.


	78. PART 3 Chapter 1

Part 3  
Chapter One

Its too big

"Kryten I know I'm just being a fuss bucket, but exactly why is our trip going to be more difficult and just what does it entail?" Asked Rimmer.

"Sorry Mr. Rimmer Sir, I can't answer you at the present time. It seems  
that Ms. Ace mum has done something to my core programming."

"Holly what do you say about all this?"

"It's just too big, she just wont fit." Holly droned in his south London accent.

"Smegging Hell! What do you mean?"

"I mean that Red Dwarf's just too large to fit within the disruption of the time space continuum we'll be generating. Not enough power for a field disruption of that size."

"Well that settles it, we tried but it can't be done. Sadly, pity too. I was really looking forward to braving the unknown, traversing dimensions. Shame really."

"Mr. Rimmer that may not entirely be the case."

"How's that?"

"Well if you allowed Holly to complete his analysis he would have  
explained that Red Dwarf can't fit through the disruptive field but a smaller ship can. One of the transport vehicles should do nicely."

"Good one Kryten. Now your talking, how soon till we can make the jump?"

Ace had been right. Within weeks of their initial probe, most of the basics involved in dimension jumping were hammered out. True as it was the dimension jumping sled could only jump within fairly limited dimensional distances. But seeing that's where Spanners was heading, all worked out well enough.

"I'll take the point," said Ace. "Spanners, you'll be behind me, and you gents  
in Starbug will take up the rear."

"Spanners, when you're moving within the right dimensional vibrations your on board computer coupled with the homing program will automatically jump you into the dimension of your sleds origin. Your home dimension."  
Spanners smiled and didn't say a word. He couldn't, he was too choked up.

"You gents won't have it so easy. I had to use the boys DNA itself as  
a homing device to program into your Starbug's navi system. That along with a version of Holly downloaded into the transports mainframe should get you on your way."

"Of course you'll have to take a little detour but all will become clear. I've already programmed Kryten with the relative information. But we  
do have a window to catch so enough of all this chin wagging and out into the unknown. Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast."  
With that Ace hopped into her revamped Wildfire and started her engines.  
The others followed in pursuit.


	79. PART 3 Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
What's a Time Loch

With a brilliant dimension warping of Time/Space both Ace and Spanners jumped into dimensions unknown. All the crew could do now was hope for their safe passage into their respective universes. When the blinding light show abated a shimmering leak in space filled Starbug Two's Plexiglas windscreen.

"What is Kryten?" Asked Lister as the ship to surface transport vessel Starbug Two encountered something that looked remarkably like a huge rip in the time space continuum. "I've never seen anything like it."

"I don't believe any one has Sir, it's a Time Loch"

"A time lock? What the hells a time lock?" Quarried the Cat.

"You mean like on bank vaults and that sort Kryt?" Lister asked.

"No Sir, Not Time lock. L-O-C-K-. Time Loch, L-O-C-H-."

"So you've presumably heard of one of these time lochs have you, butter pat head?" Rimmer Questioned.

"Well fundamentally a Time Lock that is spelled with a K is as Mr. Lister said, a lock designed to open in a pre programmed time and no other," answered Kryten. "Where as a Time Loch with an H is a deep cavern in the regular time space continuum."

"Where does one of these time lochs come from?"

"Best guess is that it started out as a crease in space, possibly it formed as early as the big bang itself."

"So your telling us that thing is a crease or a wrinkle in time?" Asked the Cat.

"It may have started as what the Cat called a wrinkle in time, but eventually it spread into real Time space. Little by little, as it filled up, it grew and grew. Until finally after countless millions of years it becomes a Time Loch."

"Filled?" Questioned Lister. "Filled with what?"

"Time sir, bits and pieces of time. Fragments of forgotten yesterdays and lost tomorrows, in relatively small compact pockets of space. A non place where hapless wanderers may be caught by the ever flowing time streams or perhaps stray too close to a black hole and wind up traversing the countless depths of the Time Loch. Forced to relive pieces of their past and witness bits of the future. Usually so confused and distorted the travelers themselves are forever lost in its Loch. That is a time Loch Sirs."

"A simple yes would have sufficed there Kryten." Said Rimmer as he shot a frozen half smile at the mechanoid before he continued.

"And your saying that we ourselves," Rimmer pointed around to each of them, "men and Quasi droids alike, must traverse this to make our way back to the FemVerse so Lister can have a maintenance visit with the dad for some sort of weekend cricket tournament? I say no way. It's too dangerous. We are not going. I forbid it," Rimmer stood firm.

"Kryten plot a course through the Time Loch. Jim, Bexly. We're going to visit mama."  
Then all went swirly.


	80. PART 3 Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Red Dwarf 2.5: The Lost Season  
The universe of Two Listers?

"Saaaaam". Lister drew out the vowel in the name as a used hopper salesman on Mimas would.

Sam Murray looked good fitted into the Red Dwarf hologram uniform by Holly. The regulation 'H' branded on his forehead, he stood before Kryten, The Cat and Lister in the sleeping quarters of Third Technician David Lister and Ex-sleeping quarters of 1st Technician Arnold J. Rimmer. The remaining crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf were holding an audition for the replacement of said Rimmer. Each seated behind a table littered with coffee cups, note pads and general debris of that nature, looking for a hopeful contender for the role of their ship mate.

A former crew mate, dead for millions of years brought back to life by a magical computer. This man composed completely of light and based solely on a small personality disc recorded and stored deep in the ship. Within the hologramatic simulation suite the massive energy required for this deed is routed through the vast network's of stuff.

"O.K. Whose up next Krytus" Lister said followed by a gulping coffee sound. Kryten, service Mechanoid series 4000, looks at a list full of names more crossed out than not. As he looks at the next name on the personality disc check list he mutters, "Let's see, hummmm. No."

Ticking out the next name Kryten announced; "Holly, can we skip directly to ID#13572199 if it's all the same with you?"  
Absently Holly replied, "Sure". Still mulling over through the conversation he was currently not having with Rimmer.

"Aye Kryten what's up?" Questioned Lister, "Whose name did you cross off?"

"Well sir the disk in marked RD52169, does that ring any bells?"

"Yours Dave," said Holly, Diverting his attention in an attempt to forget the conversation he was concluding without Rimmer.

"Why are you skipping my disc?" Lister asked "It's not like we've had any luck so far."

"Yea." Said the Cat. "I for one was really looking forward to rejecting old dormouse cheeks here personally."

"What?" Lister blurted. "You were planning on rejecting my disc before you even saw what he was like."

"Bud, I know what he's like. I know what he's like way too many hours in the day and you want to double that time. Are you nuts?

'Well you're gonna find out any way." Lister taunted the Cat." Holly play holo disc "RD52169."

"O.K. Dave, here his is now." Holly accessing the Hologramation Disc which contained all of what Dave Lister was three million years ago before the accident that wiped out the original crew of the Mining ship Red Dwarf. His thoughts, his feeling, his entire personality. A Dave Lister who might have been, a Dave Lister who May Be. A second Dave Lister created from light stood before the current crew, and stared down at his smiling older self. Before a word escaped his lips he thought, "Who the smeg are these guys?"

"Ah Master David, good of you to join us," Dave Lister spoke in a very unlister type way. "As Holly informed you things haven't quite worked out in the way we planned. Be a cheeky fellow and pull up a chair."

"What's that there then?" Answered the Hologramatic Dave Lister.

"To put is succinctly, Mr. Lister sir. Due to a radiation leak all the crew are dead. And due to the fact that we are three million years into deep space we have to assume the human race is most probably dead as well."

"Due to unforeseen circumstances you, or should I say this Mr. Lister Sir," Kryten referring to his Mr. Lister, "is most likely the last human being in the universe."

"So what do you need me for then?"

"I was just getting to that sir," Kryten said just before the living Dave Lister broke in.

"The thing is man we can have Holly turn on one hologram. I was thinking about you."

"You may have been thinking about him, but I sure as hell wasn't," said the Cat.

"Who the smeg? Or should I say what the smeg is that?" Questioned the Lister composed of light.

"Oh that's the Cat. And that's Kryten." Said Lister indicating Kryten. "He evolved from the ships cat over the three million years while I was in stasis. He's pretty good company though."

"I still have the same question, what do you need me for? Especially since I can't touch anything."

"Company, I guess?" Said the living Lister.

"Well sir you seem to have been brought up to date. What do you say? Would you like to be revived as a hologram as a member of this crew?"

"Well I would have to say no at this particular juncture."

"No? Questioned all three."

"Hell no. Who'd want to play seconds to his ugly mug," said the light Lister referring to the living.

"Well thank you very much," said Kryten.  
Then all went misty and the very ship around them seemed to melt away into nothingness.

The starbug now submerged in the cold murky waters of the Earth's Loch Ness, in northern scotland, Circa early 20th century. Only the three familiar humps of the bug protrude through the cold murky waters of the loch, casting eerrie hump like shadows just above the surface of the dark waters.  
This incident would be forever misunderstood by the local inhabitants.


	81. PART 3 Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
X-mas in Deep Space

Christmas day three million days into deep space and Out of Time.

"Don't you remember sir?" Kryten looked at Lister.

"That was the day we were attacked by the Pan Dimensional creature from the Maggidon system."

"What is it Kryten?" Lister asked. Referring to a large green translucent section of space which was directly in their path.

"I'm not sure. Scanners indicate that it is composed entirely of liquid  
but it also scans as a life form. It'll take a few minutes to run it through the computer and get a full analysis

"A life form that big? In Space? Is that really possible?" Rimmer asked no one in particular.

"It doesn't smell alive." The Cat sniffing. "It smells like, like pond water.

"Range one thousand G Clicks and closing. Cat make a wide as possible birth. We want to give it as much room as we can," said Lister looking at his monitor.

"Wait! Now where the smeg did it go? It's gone," shouted Lister. "Does anyone else still have a fix on it?"

"It just vanished, it was on the scope one second then gone the next. I don't like the looks of this." Rimmer hoped the trembling in his heart couldn't be detected through his voice.

"Full analysis in now sir. It seems to be composed of a mixture of simple amino acids, water, liquid carbon and liquid nitrogen. And three unknown elements. Damn cheap Martian Powered Pack Scanners." Kryten slapped the scanner with his free hand.

"The last time that thing said there was an unknown element," chimed the Cat "It turned out to be one of Listers old socks that had escaped."

"But it did register as a new life form," rebutted Kryten.

"Range 500 G Clicks from it's last noted position. Advice Kryten?"

"Suggest we keep on going at our present speed and course. If the creature is indeed Pan Dimensional, as I'm guessing it is, it can  
jump from dimension to dimension at will. In which case it might jump back to the same spot or as near an approximation as it can sir."

"Your saying that that thing whatever it was out there, may suddenly come back. Pop up in our dimension whenever or wherever it wants to."

"Precisely sir. And if that is indeed the case then remaining at our present course we should be safe from the creature and it's Dimensional Pop factor or Boom."

"Dimensional Boom What the hell is that?" Questioned the Cat"

"Just the same as an atmosphere bearing planet will suffer a sonic boom when the speed of sound is broken. The general area around a dimensional jump could indeed cause, what the Cat called, a Dimensional Boom"

"I'm reading you there Krytis. Remember way back on Red  
Dwarf the future Echoes, when we broke light speed? I guess in a way the future echoes were light booms. The way the natural physical laws are effected by breaking the light barrier."

"Precisely. Are you sure you really attended art college sir?"

"Then how come we didn't have any of these so called Dimensional Booms when that reject from a gay pride parade came and marched in on our pretty  
straight lives?" Interjected Rimmer.

"Perhaps that's was something one of the engineers worked out when they built Ace's ship," Lister answered, not knowing why he said what he said.

''What the hell are you talking about? I remember a pretty big boom when we met golf post head's better self," Shouted the Cat. "It cost me one of my all time favorite suits. Not to mention my leg."

"Perhaps that was the boom, or how Ace's ship carried off the Dimensional Boom Sir," interjected Kryten.

But this question forced the mechanoid to contemplate: was the locking in on something in the other dimension the boom or was it the effect? Perhaps something else was the effect. Kryten was dragged out of his thoughts by Rimmer's trembling voice

"I got another energy reading. Hold tight, it's a surge and a big one!"  
That particular Starbug crew ceased to exist for three nano seconds.  
The effect would not be felt until it was too late.

"Not unlike an amoeba the pan dimensional liquid creature from the Maggidon Cluster hunts it's prey in a rather curious way." Kryten started. "By feeling for variations in the electromagnetic field in the area immediately surrounding it's enormous bulk. Once discovering an anomaly the creature moves ever closer to it, finally stretching out false feet, as it were, in an attempt to snare it's victim."

"These feet are more like tentacles, stretching farther and farther until the two tentacles meet and the prey completely enclosed. Then it begins to move in closer and closer pushing its mass inward, until finally the poor trapped creatures literally become part of the organism. Though unfortunately as minute energy particles which are used up over time."

Kryten knew from the start that it was going to be an unpopular speech, but one that needed to be made.

"Kryten man, just what the smeg are you trying to imply?"

"No implication sir."

"The smeg there isn't," Lister said gruffly. "You're trying to tell us that there's this leviathan of a weird space amoeba and it has spotted us for an appetizer, and is just waiting to strike at it's leisure. Probably off drinking the whole of Lake Michigan for its soup."

"There's just one thing I just don't understand," intervened the Cat.

"What's that Mr. Cat sir," Kryten said trying to change the subject.

"Everything."

"And where do you suppose this space amoeba is now Kryten?" Rimmer queried nervously. "It's still not reading on any of the scanners. Not even the one that has no number on it but to ones Lister inked in really really poorly."

Kaboom! Before Kryten could incorrectly answer Rimmer's question the tiny Starbug was caught in a tidal wave of gravitiless liquid. The ship was tossed around as though a lake had suddenly formed around it. When things  
became settled enough Starbug was trapped like an ant in a huge puddle. Within the belly of the beast as it were.

"Well sir I may have to do further tests before I have conclusive evidence, but I'm assuming that the creature may have just rematerialized  
on top of us." Kryten said this just before the jolting of the ship caused him  
to bounce his head off the nearest console, illuminating it's lights with the blow.

"Hit the retros," Rimmer shouted, "maybe we can fly through it!"  
As the retros ignited the ships hull made a strangled squealing sound.

"Move it Cat," hollered Lister.

"I am moving it, I got the pedal to the metal. The problem is that this thing is like flying through banana custard." As the moments slowly ticked by the craft suddenly began to build speed

"I think were through the worst of it sirs."

"Are you sure?" Asked Lister. "The buffeting doesn't seem to have slowed any."

"My scanners indicate that we've moved successfully to an area of the creature that the pressure on the hull is so light that we can risk puncturing the membrane."

As Kryten finished his sentence a hull seal burst spraying Rimmer's  
solid light hologram with a warm sticky fluid.

"Or maybe not," said the Cat.  
Consequently this strange fluid started filing up the cockpit at an alarming rate.

Then nothing.


	82. PART 3 Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
Attention

First Technician Arnold J. Rimmer stood, back straight, shoulders squared, his hair pointing in every compass direction possible and a few that weren't, stood at attention awaiting this snap inspection since 3:57 am.

His senior officer had yet to appear on the scene, which bothered the semi naked Rimmer, standing bare footed on the cold metal floor of his living quarters. Holly had woken Rimmer twenty two minutes earlier with the sonic boom alarm, announcing the snap inspection which would immediately follow. Theoretically.

This was the fifth such snap inspection of the week. Rimmer wouldn't have minded so much but it was only Tuesday. Actually monday night. But orders are orders, and Old Iron Balls wouldn't be found wanting, except maybe for his slippers.

"That's how did you do, Mister Lister sir." This is how it all began.

Actually that's not entirely true. It had started when Lister had asked Rimmer to give him Kachanski's Hologramatic Disc, enabling Lister to go on one date with a certain late navigation officer. "Four hours," Lister pleaded. But the first technician was not to be shaken, Impossibly zealous, probably mad was the official comments on Arnold J. Rimmer, and they couldn't have been more accurate.

You see one of the fundamental problems with said Technician was that to him people didn't really exist. Sure they were there, to get in your way, to abuse you, to order you about and make one's life a living hell. So early on Rimmer introverted his feelings, his emotions and everything else that was not already introverted. If he could have gotten his belly button in any further, he would have do that as well, just in case.

Now that the crew, never mind the human race, were dead and he was in charge, Old A.J. was going to get back his due, with interest. Sure when Lister was on Zed shift he would be able to tell him what to do, push him around. But off hours were Lister's own, the stupid gimboit.

Now that he was in charge of the ship, and was entirely composed of light, which hadn't done anything to brighten up his disposition, he would get to start really using his power.

Shortly after the original altercation Dave Lister's easy going, devil may care attitude brain, had finally had enough. If a brain had pecs, then Rimmer would be getting on them. Everybody has their breaking point and Lister's had been reached, from this came the plan. The plan for Lister to become an officer.

It didn't matter what kind of officer mind you, just so it would enable him to order Rimmer to give up Kachanski's disc and finally the last human being alive in the universe could get a date. Talk about your loser. Maybe he'd have Rimmer jump through a hoop now and again, that wouldn't be bad either. Nothing mean mind you, just a wee vindictive.

"Twenty seven smegging minutes," thought the first technician, who was now the lowest ranking crew member on the ship. "Only three more minutes and I've got him, the smegged up little puss filled cold sore." Precisely at 4:26 and forty five seconds the only known officer left in the Space Corps strolled through the door of his ex-sleeping quarters wearing his hat, stained long johns, and a can of lager. His pip were worn on his deer stalker cap, not unlike a Russian commander.

Holly announced, "Attention!"

Rimmer snapped to attention. The same stance he had been holding for the last half hour, stamped his right foot, went into a standard  
Space Corps salute, almost breaking his wrist in the barely successful attempt to stop it from going into all five circles of Rimmer's own personal salute. The one he had sent into the recommendations department of the Space Corps.

The forbidding of Rimmer's salute was the third decisive command made by the new regime. The removal of all sprouts, and fresh vegetables from dietary regulations were numbers four and five.

"Holly take this down. General quater's condition still untidy." Lister walked to the door frame, took out a white oven mitten and wiped the top of the door frame with it.

"Dust everywhere."

Walking over to Rimmer and looking past him.  
"Bunk unmade."

"My word Mr. Rimmer," said Lister. "As many violations as in as many minutes. How do you think this will look on your permanent record? Hummmmmmmm?" Taunted Lister, hummmming directly into Rimmer's face.

"Permission to speak," requested Rimmer.

"Permission granted."

"Can I possibly get my socks on," Rimmer hesitated, then he forced the words out of his mouth, "Mister Lister Sir." Bile mixed with gasoline to drink would be easier to swallow. The pain showed on Rimmer's face.  
Addressing Lister as Mr. Lister Sir, and only that, was the second  
major act of the new regime.

"Permission denied."

"Holly how many times has Second Technician Rimmer been put on report?" Lister stopped put one hand on his chest and the lager filled one out towards Holly's image, then belched loudly.

"Since I've been in charge?" Questioned Lister then wiping his mouth using his arm.

"Seventy two," answered Holly. "Not counting the ten demerits for  
mucking up the Starbug paint job."

"It was the scutter's fault, Inky and Blinky aren't what they used to be.  
Besides how was I supposed to know that mixing the last gallons of the  
undercoating paints together would cause such a mess?" Rimmer whined.

"Yea sure it's always the same with you Rimmer. How was I supposed to know, it's not my fault, and my personal favorite: I'm allergic to that.  
Why are you so utterly useless? Now instead of having a half red,  
half white, undercoated Starbug, we've got ourselves a pink one." Lister sighed.

"Sorry", pause, "Mister Lister Sir. I promise it will never ever ever happen again. I'll put it on tomorrow's daily goals list."

"And I'll post it on the official roster," Lister Growled. "Now get on watch duty Use Navi Turret 110. Now!"  
Rimmer marched out of the room still in a state of undressedness.  
Lister almost felt bad treating Rimmer as he had treated Lister only days earlier. Still a smirk tugged at the right corner of his mouth.

"Useless," Said Lister absently, while walking out the doorway.

Entering the lift Lister punched in the appropriate numbers  
"How come," he thought. "Some people have no problem treating other people like smeg. But others, like me the sap I am, don't get any satisfaction from it?"  
A little voice came from the back of Davie Lister's mind. It whispered "Because you failed the chef's exam. Because you lied."

Dave thought about this for a moment. No that wasn't it. He dismissed the little voice, and walked out the lift and down a hall. The truth of the matter was that he now possessed Kachanski's hologramatic disc.  
But was afraid to use it.  
Then nothing.


	83. PART 3 Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
The Final Conversation

They had safely traversed the Time Loch, and for some incalculable reason were twelve hours away from their female counterparts. As a strange bonus the female version of Ace and her ship appeared as well.

Lister lay exhausted but unable to sleep in his makeshift bunk. It had been hours since they arrived in the Femverse, now they were just waiting to spot the Dwarf.

The digital clock read 4:23 am but he was wide awake. Finishing off the last of a self heating Saki he tossed the container in the general vicinity of the waste disposal unit. It clanked to the floor and rolled into several other discarded saki containers, all of whom seemed to have missed their goal.

"Is that how I'm to end up," he thought. The blue glow of the temporary stasis field built into the lower bunk filled the lightless room.  
Within this quickly hobbled together piece of brilliance Jim and Bexly, barely thirty two hours old, lay frozen in time. Well practically, it seems that the Stasis field built into the Starbug didn't freeze time completely, but up to about 95%.

"That should be fine," he told Kryten, who was on the verge of mechanoid top blowing.

Thankfully Holly spoke a sequence of numbers and counter commands which in the end left Kryten's head smoking and the mechanoid mumbling something about a fribble. Aside from all that everything was peachy.

"If all goes well I'll be seeing me other self in less than 24 hours." His mind drifted to their last conversation in the airlock aboard her Red Dwarf.

"You know you don't have to stay." Dave said after adjusting his space suit.

"How's that?" Questioned Deb.

"You could come back with us. You know, just in case," he paused then looked away. "You know."

Without thinking a Deb Lister blurted out:

"Look I'm not going dimension jumping with you and your lot. Leaving my own dimension and my own plans on the one in a million chance you're up the spout. The way you go on about it, like you already know you're pregnant."

Lister had been looking at his reflection in the window, so as not having to look at his other self when she turned him down, as he knew she would.  
But now he was puzzled by her statement and he was forced to face her. Looking into familiar mudd brown eyes his head slightly tilted he asked.

"What's that there then?" His scouse accent thickened by his familiarity.

"You heard me. How do I know that if you are indeed pregnant, that it's even mine?"

"Well who else's is it likely to be? Clive of India?" Was all he could come up with flabbergasted as he was.

"You and your mates could have cooked this whole scheme up long ago. You dimension bed hop from here to Andromida then when one of you gets knocked up, you blame it all on the poor gal who you happen to be sleeping with at the time. What do you think, I was born yesterday!"

Lister couldn't speak. If he could speak it wouldn't have mattered because he couldn't think of anything to say in response. He just stared at her, open mouthed. His jaw had dropped some time earlier, but he hadn't noticed it, nor fixed it. In silence he catatonically turned, bent over and picked up his helmet.  
As he was locking it into place he stared wide eyed out the airlock view port keeping his eyes focused of his version of the small rouge one.

"Better step out," a tinny half voice announced from the speaker attached to his helmet.

Before Deb Lister finished her accusations she had regretted them. Everything she said, every word, every syllable, a low down rotten selfish lie.  
In the dark recesses of her mind in a section where, what's called the Goon, lives, a plan was hatched so diabolical that if Deb was conscious of it she would have had her mind washed out with soap.

As she was about to apologize her mind froze and she headed towards her own ship though the inner airlock door. You see the Goon had a friend in the Ego department and being how friends tend to be, they stuck together. As did Deb's lips as she passed into her ship's corridor absently hitting the button which closed the airlock door behind her.

Also closing Dave Lister and her children out for the rest of eternity.  
Lister didn't talk much on the jag back to his Red Dwarf and ultimately back to his universe.

He couldn't believe what he had heard. What a load of Smeg. How  
could she have even conceived of such a thing. Though he didn't think about it to hard, because if he had he would have remembered a conversation very similar which occurred between he and Lisa Yates about three million and eight years ago back on Earth.

Dave Lister had been going out with Lisa for eight months now and all was great for the first six. Then it happened.  
That horrible feeling that you get when you're claustrophobic and you get caught in a relationship that has suddenly gotten serious. Way too serious and all over you life.

On a cold September night the couple had come back from an evening at the local. Where even though Lister was around all his mates and his lady he still seemed unhappy. This was becoming more and more the case of late and she had felt Lister was treating her badly. So she made a decision.  
As they said goodnight the hot air which they expelled steaming off into nothingness with the wind.

"Dave what's wrong?" She asked smiling.

"Look I got to go. I uh got some things I gotta do."

"Dave Please." Her eyes worried. 'We need to talk. I really really got to tell you something."

"OK, make it quick. I'm running late." Lister looked at a fictitious watch on his left wrist.

After she told him about the sickness and about the clinic she had visited Lister exploded. Such a vile amount of wishy washy excuses and accusations were hurled at the poor girl. She hadn't a chance.

Finally in the end she said it had been just a test, and that he failed it. Miserably.

He relied in his clever wit that he would have done better if it was an oral exam.

She didn't laugh.

He knew it was over and he had lost her. Quite possibly  
the best thing he had in his life up to that point and possibly the best thing he ever would have.

Lister turned and stepped off the stoop and started walking slowly becoming swallowed by the night. Behind him he thought he might have  
heard something that sounded like a whimper.

He didn't look back.

Ever.

Never seeing her tears.

That was the last time he ever spoke to Lisa Yeats.

Now he wondered if perhaps it wasn't a test. And most possibly that on in some reality, perhaps his own, that she had birthed his twin sons.

Then he thought that Deb never saw my tears.

Either.


	84. PART 3 Chapter 7

Red Dwarf 2.5: The Lost Season

Chapter 7  
Meet your boys

There had been a slight problem with the boys age and size. True they had the bodies of eighteen year olds, but the minds of infants. When Ace had come up with a truly award winning plan.

First they would have to locate a time hole in the general vicinity, which would allow passage to a universe where time itself, runs backwards. Ace would reprogram Kryten to be able to pilot the time sled and it would be refitted with facilities for the boys. Once inside the backwards Universe Kryten was to pass through an inter dimensional wormhole allowing himself and the boys to travel subspace through the backwards galaxy and live in a compressed time causing the twins to grow smaller and consequently younger at a greatly accelerated rate.

When Kryten was quite sure the boys had de-aged long enough he would simply return, with the now infant twins, to this proper time and universe. This would make it easier for the boys to relearn things without the evil Ace's hand in the matter.

And much less nappie changing to Deb Lister, Mom to be.

"Oi I'd like you to meet your two sons Jim and Bexly." Dave announced as  
he walked through the airlock. A child in each arm.

Deb's jaw was slack.

The boys were about three months old each. Still it was difficult for the recently wounded Lister to hold both.

"Here let me help," said Deb, and with that she took hold of Bexly for the first time.

"He's got your eyes," she said losing herself into her son's chestnut browns.  
The moment Deb Lister held Bexly in her arms she knew she never wanted to let him go. It seemed that within days of their final conversation Deb had started wondering and worrying about the possibility of her having children. Children that she would never know. Or even see.

She had always wanted to have a family, a real family, not an adopted one. But when it came to her gift wrapped she was too stupid and too selfish  
to know what she was throwing away. Just as Dave had learned with Lisa Yeats. All that was going to change. Both Dave and Deb knew it.

Tears flowed down her face as her son drooled on her sleeve. Dave Lister watched and a smile neoned across his face. This was not the response he'd expected, and was pleased by that so much that he began to cry also.  
Outside in the hallway Kryten paced back and forth.  
So much depended on this first meeting.

The rest of his life also depended on this meeting. With that thought his guilt  
chip blared into play. Good all was in order.

Just then Ace strode up to Kryten. "Well old fruitcake. How's it going inside with the love birds?" She questioned.

'We'll Ms. Ace Ma'am, it's hard to say. But judging by lack of yelling I assume it's good news."

"Well old tart Gotta run." "Your going Ma'am. So soon? Don't you even want to say good bye?"

"I think it will be best this way. I can lead Holly thorough the Omni Zone with my ship."

"Once inside and you chaps are on the right track, I'll be on my merry way.  
It was good working with you Kritis old Chum. Take care of him as a personal favor to me. Skipper in there has had it much harder than the Spanners I knew back in my home dimension."

"I will Ace sir" Kryten beamed.

"I know you will. Smoke me a Kipper. I'll be back for breakfast."


	85. PART 3 Chapter 8 FINAL

Chapter 9  
On the way home We forgot something

All the goodbyes were said and all the kisses and nappies exchanged  
Starbug boomed out of existence via the new and improved Holly drive. And due to a little tampering Ace did with holly and the hop the crew will have very little memory of what had occurred.

"It's a fact that humans can't handle child separation well," Stated Kryten, who consulted his Human Relationship chip. "They always feel guilty and second guess themselves, forever thinking; Is there something more important that I have to do in the universe than raise my children?"

"You just won't be able to cope," Kryten explained to his three crew mates.

"But our minds too?" Questioned Rimmer. "Is that really necessary?"

"Of course," Holly Chimed in. "In the past we learned the smallest incongruity will set us off on a quest for the truth.  
Whether we want to know it."

"Or not." Lister added still unaccustomed to Holly's new female form.

"Hey I'm all for it," announced the Cat. "I had it all, everything my heart desired fulfilled. Until dog food face here and alphabet heads sexier self took it away from me." The Cat looked off at something in his minds' eye which made him smile, but soon seemed to lose it's appeal and his face reflected his thoughts.

"The last thing I want to remember is this," he finished.

"OK I'll set our memories to start exactly six weeks from when you rescued me from the Nova Five. Minus the boys of course."

"You mean I won't have any memory of the boys at all? I don't know if I  
could deal with that?"

"You wouldn't have to," Rimmer intervened. "We'll program your mind not to notice. Isn't that right Kryten?"

"Not exactly Mr. Rimmer Sir. We will all have a limited memory of these experiences but slightly altered. Where our experiences and the knowledge we gained over this past year will not be clear or positive in our conscience minds, since our memories will have been altered. But our sub conscience minds will hold on to these experiences and all their benefits."

"Benefits?" Rimmer questioned. "What possible benefits can we have gained here, that we won't be able to remember, be of any use to us, never mind benefit us?"

"Well at a very basic level all the knowledge that Mr. Lister gained working with his other self. He won't be able to remember where he learned these  
skills, but never the less he will demonstrate abilities that he acquired during our travels and escapades over these last months. We all will demonstrate abilities that we hadn't before, with no exact memory of where or how we obtained them."

"You mean that Rimmer might have actually learned something from meeting all his various incarnations, and that this self realization will  
hold in his sub conscience when we're back in our reality. Somehow he won't be quite the annoying weasly maggot that he's been all his life?"

"Let's not go overboard sir. There's only so much traveling pell mell  
through dimensions, delivering babies, helping fight evil and saving a few civilizations along the way, can do for Mr. Rimmer."

"I guess you were asking for too much bud," the Cat chimed in.

The four were seated in Starbug's cockpit when Lister realized he couldn't go through with it.

He couldn't leave his children behind.

Leaping from his seat and bolting out the cockpit door, towards the dimension omniverter, he knew he wasn't going to make it. He was six seconds too late.  
That was enough.

Frozen in time within a stasis field that now engulfed the whole of Starbug, Lister and the others once again became an event mass with a probability of zero.

When he would finally return to his own dimension, like the others, he will not have these memories.

Once safely in their own dimension and the crew safe, Holly and Kryten would erase even these final memories. And none would be the wiser.  
All would have slightly altered memories of the event. Somehow having Jim and Bexly choose their exile to the FemVerse, and being raised by their mother. Er Father. Never mind, you get the idea.

RED DWARF THE LOST YEARS, AND BABIES. AND THE FINDING OF THE CAT RACE, AND A FEMALE ACE RIMMER PLUS MUCH MUCH MORE.

I KNOW! HOW ABOUT THIS:

RED DWARF III  
THE SAGA CONTINUUMS  
THE STORY SO FAR...

Three million years in the future Dave Lister, the last human being alive, discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe.

His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexly. However, because they were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly rated growth accelerated growth rates, and are both eighteen within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to their universe of their origin where they are reunited with their father (a woman) and are able to lead comparatively normal lives.

Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and your eighteen years old within three days of your birth. Shortly afterwards, Kryten, the service mechanoid who'd left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova Five, is found in pieces after his bike crash-lands into an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality.

Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love.

AND NOW THE SAGAS CONTINUUMS...  
RED DWARF III  
THE SAME GENERATION  
-NEARLY


End file.
